Miracles.....Carolyn

Survivor Guilt. I can't explain it - I don't think I ever felt guilty for surviving. I felt guilty for being thankful that I didn't die.....especially when I was witnessing those who WERE going to die. I know that was a mouthful - does it make any sense?

Yesterday David and I drove to Ft. Madison, Iowa to visit MariJane. She used to work for David and Bill for YEARS in the real estate business - and she is a fantastic woman. We often refer to her as the "Queen of Real Estate". Actually - anyone who knew her in her prime refers to her as the same. She is top notch.

She moved away from Pittsfield about 6 years ago and I am ashamed to say....we had never it up to see her. Until yesterday. And this trip - well.......this trip had to happen. You see, MariJane called us about 4 weeks ago to tell us that her daughter, Carolyn, had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. STOP!!!!!! Of course, my first thought was - phooey.....we will pray her through this. God can change anything.....He can.

So, I prayed about this trip about sharing Jesus with Carolyn and changing her life - about showering her with the love of Jesus. And letting her know that the one thing you can always count on is Him (well....dying and paying taxes........but even taxes can be skirted.) I met Carolyn about 7 years ago. She had shown up to help her mom sell her properties - and David was buying them. He had always admired MariJane's things and was looking forward to carrying on her traditions. It was an interesting meeting - I liked Carolyn from the start. Think of the most strong-willed person you have ever met and I promise you....they do not hold a candle to Carolyn!!! She and I really hit it off!!!

Yesterday David and I were expecting to see a very sick Carolyn......I had envisioned a sick woman, unable to eat, or function.....because this cancer is aggressive and it is eating her insides. We showed up at MariJane's and high-tailed it over to Carolyn's house. When we walked in - there she was, sitting at the kitchen table getting her hair cut!! And I must tell you - she was more beautiful than I had ever seen her. Now, I had only met her once - but I had seen photos - and WOW did she look great!!! It was hard for me to imagine that she is dying - and according to the doctors will be gone very soon.......

I just had to write to tell you about her because the visit was so profound - I went there expecting to share something to "rock her world." And before the day was over - she had rocked mine. We were standing at the door to leave and it was simply hard to walk away (no tears, by the way - that would have ticked Carolyn off.....NO TEARS ALLOWED!!!) I looked her and our conversation went something like this:

ME: "Carolyn - you truly are a remarkable woman. I came here today to tell you how much I love you and how much Jesus loves you...and you have taken my breath away with your strength and courage. NO ONE could handle what you are living like you have done. Your family is truly blessed."

CAROLYN: "Well, I see it like this. We are only here for a very short time. And in that time I believe we need to love as much as we can, learn as much as we can, and give as much as we can. If we are not doing that, then we are not doing something right."

I feel so blessed to have spent that two hours with her - and as I left I told her it was my hope that we would see each other again. I believe in miracles and I believe God will make her well. I don't know how that will happen - maybe a miracle on earth, or maybe not......but what I DO know....is HE is changing the lives of every person that has the opportunity to know her. I thank God that HE gave me that chance.

15 minutes of fame

Have you ever heard someone talk about their 15 minutes of fame? It's a common saying - I know you have heard it one time or another in your life. I remember a very nice man telling me one day that God had GREAT things in store for me - we had been at a lay witness mission...I don't know who he was or where he is - but I always remembered that - and always wondered when my 15 minutes of fame would come.

Several weeks ago I received a call from a friend asking if I would be willing to speak at the Fight Back ceremony for the Tri-COunty Relay for Life. Of course I said YES....and I said it immediately. And then I wondered, "What in the world can I say to these people about fighting back?" I prayed - and stressed - and prayed some more about how I could make a talk INTERESTING and not a downer - when I have to tell them my story about cancer. And get this.....they asked if I could talk for 15 minutes.

All I know is this - I have wondered my whole life...and my guess is that God has granted me MANY 15 minute opportunities....but there has been none that mean more to me than this 15 minutes. It is TONIGHT....around 10pm...so, if you aren't busy - would you mind lifting me up so that my words are HIS.....and humility is evident. I can not tell you how honored I feel - and how humbling it is.......

Thank you....once again.....

Bone Scan and Port Removal

OK.....a rather boring title for this entry - but sometimes I am simply all out of creativity. So, I thought I would make the title what the blog is about - how novel.

Monday I had a follow-up appt with the surgoen who did the oophorectomy (as I stated earlier). I left the house at 6am and was home by 1pm.......7 hours gone and 20 minutes with the doctor...yikes. Anyway, that was Monday and yesterday I had a bone scan and port removal. I am SO THANKFUL........

I had asked earlier for prayer regarding the severe joint and bone pain. We thought it was the clinical trial. Needless to day, I halted taking the drugs and the pains have not gone away. But - while I was talking to the clinical coordinator on the16th she mentioned that part of the trial was a bone scan at the end and she wanted to know if I would like to do that...OF COURSE, I said!! So, that was in the morning and took about 3 hours....I then went to radiology to have the port removed. The port is what was placed in my body close to my right shoulder for administering the chemo - in order to save my veins......I asked if I could keep it as a souvenir. And do you know what they said to me?? Since chemo had flowed through this thing it is considered "toxic" waste and has to be destroyed. I blurted out, "BUT I PAID FOR IT!!!" Well...that didn't matter. They did, however, allow me to see it when it was out. And it was SO COOL!!!

Back to the bone and joint pain. My doctor seems to think it is the taxol (the last chemo drug I was on). I could have these pains for awhile - and that is so not cool.....but since I know that, I will continue to try and not complain (hehehehehe).

Did I say thank you???? If you are reading this, I hope you will make plans to come to my house on August 22nd.....I am planning a celebration - of life, friendship, hope......all things good!!! We will also have some auction items to try and raise funds for breast cancer research....but you don't have to buy anything!!! All you HAVE to do is plan to come and have fun.....eat, drink, and be merry.......and there are a few other surpirses I won't mention!!!!

God Bless you........

Two for the price of one!

Have you ever gone to the store to buy something and when you get up to the counter you are super excited to find out.....there is more of a discount than you had originally thought? That feeling - like you have won the lottery - is one of the finest feelings a shopper can have.

I am here to tell you that feeling does not only apply to shopping for things....it can apply to your body - your health. I have the perfect example. I had my ovaries removed on June 11th. They also removed the fallopian tubes. I love it because my doctor told me on Monday that reduces my chances of ovarian cancer by 97-99%. I really like those odds! At any rate, while I was in her office she gave me the results from the surgery. I believe her exact words were, "this is the best news I can deliver to you." There were no cancer cells anywhere. She followed up by saying my washings were clear as well. I was like, "What is a washing??" She said that while they were in there....scraping out my ovaries....they also "washed" the linings of my abdomen to see if there were cancer cells present there, as well. I was so excited - take one ovary, get one washing....but they took BOTH ovaries - so I got TWO washings.... and they were both NEGATIVE!!! I felt like I hit the washing lottery.

So.....life is moving on and I am so excited to feel as if I am finally at the end of this season of my life......just one surgery to go!!!

I have more to share, but a son that needs a ride - so I PROMISE I will do a couple more blogs before next week......thank you for caring, for praying, for listening, and for believing with me. I truly love you.

Surgery...the "oops-erectomy"

OK...It is not really called that - it is an "oopherecotmy." What a mouthful...and Heaven knows I hope it is not an "oops..."!

But it is tomorrow - and while I had absolutely NO reservations about losing my breasts, I can not say the same about my ovaries. It is one thing to say I am blessed with four children and so proud of them - it is another to know that I CAN'T have anymore....I am a type A, like being in control, and this is definately pushing my comfort zone.

David, Austin, and I are going down tonight since check-in is at 5:30am. Austin isn't going for ths surgery - his flight leaves for Atlanta at 10:24am...he is going to see his dad. The two guys are going to check-in to the hotel and leave for dinner - I will be staying at the hotel and spending most of my time in the bathroom. I am on an all-clear liquid diet today and starting at 5pm....I take some serious stuff to clean me out. I really can't wait for that moment - so much I could say about God going to great lengths to "cleanse" me, but I will leave that for anothet day.

I would like to ask for some specific prayer. As of yesterday I have been halted on the clinical trial. I have severe bone pain and arthritis which have taken over my life (I believe as a result of those lovely pills) - so we have to get this figured out next Tuesday when I go to see my oncologist....I can tell you that the last three weeks have not been fun - and I can't "fake" it anymore....the pain has become unbearable....so........thank you !!

Take care - have a blessed day....I am giving thanks to God repeatedly for the many blessings He has bestowed upon me - not the least of which is YOU!!!!

Do you have a Heather in your life?

Last week on Tuesday my friend Troy called me and asked me what I was doing on Wednesday. Well....I had a ton to do - reports for David, the bank, etc.....but I told him I was available. He wanted me to ride with him to Monmouth (where the heck is THAT?) to talk to an old high school friend of his who had been diagonosed with cancer......

..........I don't think I was speechless.....but my body went limp. My first thought was - ABSOLUTLEY!!!! And then, after he hung up and we had made arrangements, I was terrifed - what in the world could I share with this woman that would help her? (I should have known that I have nothing to share - it is God who would speak to her......) The next morning I tried to put it off until Friday - bad weather coming, not enough time since I had to be back in Pittsfield....Troy said NO PROBLEM....I will have you back in plenty of time....so he came to get me - and we went.

I am so very thankful that Troy called me that day. You see - I got to meet Heather, a beautiful, young, vibrant, mother of four and wife to one ...... and a Christian. While I couldn't repeat to you the meeting ver batim....I can tell you this - God was in control. I don't remember much of what was said - just that the room was full of love. I knew the minute I met her she would be okay - she has put God in control.....a beautiful reminder that He will always be in control if we let Him.....something I still struggle to do on a daily basis.....

If you have a Heather in your life, you are blessed.....thank God for the opportunity and embrace it.....He has something He wants to tell you!!

God Bless you....

Update

I was so good at blogging in the beginning. I have asked myself several times why I don't blog more often - and the answer I keep giving is....what do I have to say? I think it is a natural human response to think that we are not worthy - or important enough. And while those thoughts of myself may not change, I just want to say THANK YOU for taking the time to talk with me, and journey with me.....I promise to try to keep you up on things!!

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Nearly 40 trips to Siteman in the last 7 months and this was the first time I travelled alone....and I did NOT like it!!! On the one hand, I didn't have to worry about wasting someone else's time. On the other hand - my body naturally wants to sleep on this trip - so on the way home, my body was trying to sleep....All I can tell you is that didn't really work for me - or the 10,000 other cars on the road....

I had to go to Siteman to do pre-op testing for my Oopherectomy (try saying that 5 times fast), meet with the clinical coordinator for the trial I will be on for the next three years, and meet with my oncological surgeon - the fabulous woman who removed my breasts. It was a fabulous day. I found out that I will NEVER get lymphodema (sp?). For those of you who knew Marty Floyd (well, first of all - you were lucky to have known her)...but you may remember her arm swelling up like a balloon. In her case, they had removed all of the lymph nodes from that arm - and the unfortunate swelling is a possible life-long side effect. In my case, the doctor did a sentinal node operation - she only removed the sentinal node and one other node from each breast.....and she told me that she has NEVER had a patient with my type of surgery get lymphodema.....so I can start lifting. She also released me for all exercises!! I was so happy I cried.......I had two other doctors tell me I wouldn't be able to lift more than 15 pounds for THE REST OF MY LIFE......Thank God they were wrong!!

So now I am waiting for surgery on June 11th. I have an appt on June 16th with my oncologist, July with the clinical coordinator, and Sep 10th I will have my breast reconstruction......I can tell you that things are definately looking up in my camp. There really IS light at the end of this tunnel!!!

God Bless You......

August 22, 2009

I wanted to talk about this date. It is the day we have chosen to have a party - to celebrate good health, freedom from drugs, and a new life. So, mark your calendars.....I look forward to seeing you on August 22nd. More details to follow!!

Where do we go from here?

Wow - sorry for the long delay.....I suppose there aren't a lot of you still following this since I haven't written in so long.....I am so sorry - but thank you for everything!!

My last chemo was April 14th - HALLELUJAH!!! I actually feel better every day. I sang a song with Sophie last night (Jesus Loves Me) and for the first time in 7 months my throat didn't hurt - I could actually sing a song! I can not tell you how wonderful that felt. And there are little blessings such as this every day.

I find it interesting that a lot of things have happened to my body in just the last 3-4 weeks. I had a horrific looking rash all over my arms. The remnants of it are still there - I actually think it may have scarred....and boy does it look lovely....and I have canker sores, numbness all over, and a few other issues. But all in all - they are going away and I feel FANTASTIC! I feel so good that I am not even going to complain about the fact I get no sleep. Yes - it is the menopause. I have night sweats that produce enough liquid to drench the Sahara. And when I'm not sweating I'm teetering between hot and cold. The bad news - is for my kids. Their mom is going through menopause and they get yelled at sometimes for no apparent reason. The good news is that their mom will not be going through menopause when they are in high school (the girls). I knew it was bad when Austin stood up the other day and left the room because he said he didn't like my attitude!! The best part is that I absolutely KNEW I was being a little contradictory...I simply could not help myself.

Where do we go? Well, I had a follow-up with my oncologist and he said if I was having a hard time dealing with the chemo being over then they could recommend counseling. I literally laughed out loud. I said, and I quote, "listen, I am totally NOT having a hard time with this. I am glad it is over. I praise God for the good reports. I KNOW why I am doing so well. I just want to know if there is anything specific I should or should not be doing." He smiled....and recommended a new clinical trial.

Now, you might be thinking - is she crazy? Of course I am, but that is beside the point. This clinical trial involves bisphosphonates, which are given to patients with osteoperosis. The drug is also given to patients who have bone cancer and they have seen some great results. I should start by sharing with you my inspiration. As you know, I have triple negative disease and my cancer would not respond to any hormones. Also, because of my triple negative disease, studies show that my best chance for recurrence is in the next two years. And, if cancer does come back it will most likely come back in my liver, pancreas, or bones. I will be on this trial for three years - and I have EVERY intention of NOT getting cancer again!!! And at the end of the day, this should help give me some really strong bones!

Thank you so much for continuing to love me, support my decisions, and pray for me. I can not tell you how much that means. I will be back....I have some photos to share with you of when Austin went to chemo with me.......

God Bless you and your day!

March 29th Snowstorm

So, Robin showed up for the weekend to surprise us - and she brought snow from freakin Florida!!! Bella was at Sunday School, so Aunt Robin built snowmen with Gracie and Sophie. I wanted to share with you - by suppertime the snow was gone and the girls were in shorts!!

What are friends for?

Karen recently came for a short visit and while she was here...she cut her hair!! No - she shaved her hair. Austin helped her do it. She thought it would make me feel better. Now - I have had two friends shave their head for me!! thank you Troy and Karen....I don't know what to say!!! Except - isn't it GREAT to be bald!! It really does feel good........and I included a photo of Karen WITH hair so you could see what she used to look like!!!

A few dates to remember

My first surgery will be June 4th. I am having my Ooopherectomy that day - you gotta love that name!! Dr. Thaker will remove my ovaries and my filopian tubes. I am not having a complete hysterectomy. It is not necessary since I am not having any trouble in that area and there is no connection between the BRCA1 gene and cancer of the uterus. I was very happy to hear this - because it is not normal to remove these organs. The uterus actually helps to hold up the bladder and some other stuff as well (can't remember all she said). I was just happy to hear Iwon't have to have a complete hysterectomy!!

Now, the breast reconstruction....will occur in September. Because of possible bacteria in the blood stream after the ooopherectomy we must wait 3 months. If bacteria were to land on my reconstruction job it would be a very, very bad thing!! So - I chose to have the ovaries removed first because I think it is by far the most important of the two surgeries. I will, however, have to watch it when I give people hugs. I hugged Nelsie good-bye at the airport the other day and literally bruised her chest where she hit my boobs!! I told you they were like brick-bats. I bet if the law were to inspect these suckers they would make me register them as weapons....

And, finally, we are planning a party. I would really like to have people get together to celebrate - life, recovery, survivorship, and hope. And it will be SO NICE to not be tired anymore!! So, mark your calendars for August 22nd.....and I will have more details forthcoming. I love you - and you are invited to share with me!! I figure, you have been on this journey with me - we need to celebrate together!!!

I have a lot to share with you - my last chemo today, my son, my friend Karen shaving her head, Easter.....so, tomorrow I plan to put on some photos and share!!! Thanks for being there...have a super day!!!

Menopause, sickness and The Bench

I know this might not be the best title for an entry, but I know myself well enough to know that as much as I will try NOT to talk about it, I will keep coming back to it - I have a tendency of doing that. The way I see it, 41 is WAY TOO YOUNG for someone to be going through menopause....and for all of you who think this is normal, it most certainly is NOT....I thought the heat flashes were from the chemo...no...no no no no no.....the heat flashes are what my ovarian oncologist referred to as "pre-menopausal" and while it is not unheard of, it is uncommon...most women do no start going through the pre-stages until they are 50. Chemo has a way of jump-starting the process sometimes....

It wouldn't have mattered anyway..... I will be "postal" with menopause after June 4th because Dr. Thaker will be removing my ovaries and she will be all over!!! I will say this - I am so thankful for that. I must admit that I think it is better to go through it all at once as opposed to at separate times...chemo, menopause, a boob job.....yeah - I am thankful....I can't differentiate one from the other....so this is a great thing (although not recommended if you have a choice).

And I want to take a few minutes to apologize for not blogging for awhile - but I have been sick for a little more than two weeks...and I am a bit miffed at my regular oncologist (I see him every three weeks.) I told him more than two weeks ago that I had an infection in my body and would be getting sick.....I could feel it. He examined me and told me that he thought it was virul - the nurse told me to wash my hands - and he said this was all normal...blah blah blah blah blah. I say this - no one knows my body better than I do. And for the past two weeks I could literally barely get out of bed because of this "virus." I was sleeping all morning and having to be home in the afternoon. My doctor told me at the time I could no longer work out. I could walk two miles at a time at 3.0 to 3.5 mph.....because the chemo is a shock to my system and now I think that instead of fighting the infection, my body was using its energy for my workouts (or maybe I was doing that). Anyway - by this past Friday I felt so sick I did not want to get out of bed. By Saturday afternoon it was all over. I called the oncologist oncall on Sunday and by 10:30am had a z-pack started in my system. THANK GOD....because the infection had gone to my chest - I knew it eventually would.... at any rate... a long story to tell you I am sorry!! And to remind everyone to take control of your own medical care. I know doctors are smart - but they do NOT know you better than you know yourself - I don't care WHAT the stethoscope is telling them!!!

And so much happened over the past two weeks. As you know, my sister flew in to surprise everyone, Karen came out to take some photos and see the kids - and others, as well. She got to visit with David Harbin and Missy McDannald.....high school classmates....and Art and Betty Nergenah, and Roy Allen. I am not sure how she had time to see us!!!! But we had a great time while she was here...we even road tripped to the band competition in Carlinville with Heather Hayden - now THAT was a cool girls' road trip!!! To top it off, Bella ended her basketball season (5 weeks) on Saturday. Evidently she threw some boy across the floor as he was trying to steal the ball from her...he obviously had not been exposed to her competitive side. yeah - don't try to take the ball from Bella. She won't let you have it!! (Of course, I was at home in bed moaning....not sure why since no one was there to listen....kind of like the tree in the forest.)

And then today was chemo. Diana sent my bag stuff for today!!! A Peanut Butter bunny, licorice, a book....and a blizzard card!!! Yeah - its all gone. You know me - I dig into that stuff!!! And I really want to tell you about the bench.

I know I have talked about the bench before. It is where David and I sit every week - it is where I was sitting when I heard the man call his family a couple of weeks ago. It is where I sat today...and nearly fell asleep I was so tired. Funny - David and I went down yesterday to see the ovarian oncologist and decided to just stay since we had to be back at 8:30 this morning. That was a good call on our part......anyway. I was on the bench by myself because I told David to just take his time......

And I had the best thoughts while I was sitting there. You see. Beth - my friend from high school who is a rock in my life - used to sit there with her dad. And I was sitting there today when I realized it is where I was sitting when I was waiting for Beth and her dad to walk in for chemo...the morning he passed away. It is where I was sitting when Kim sent the text about Jim. And I had this thought. Yes - Jim has gone to be with God, but Jim didn't die - his body did. He never gave up - and his spirit is alive and well and kicking at Siteman....and with every other person who had the chance to fight with him......and know him. I sat there and I could HEAR their conversations. I think it went something like this:

Beth: Now, dad. I am going to go get you a blizzard. And you are going to eat it. I know you you aren't hungry today. But you know the alternative isn't good...and I am not talking about losing weight - I am talking about me kicking your butt and everyone here seeing it.

Jim: (completely speechless he simply looks at her and smiles" Yes - whatever you say, Beth (as he chuckles)

Yeah - I have no idea what was said on that bench, but I heard a lot today and it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me SO THANKFUL that God has the power to share - and He knows just what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. And I needed to hear her dad today. Someone who didn't know what giving up meant. He never did - I want that fight in me for everything.......and sitting on that bench has changed my life over the past 20 weeks......thank you, God....for giving me that bench. Please share it with others as You have with me.

God bless you.....now go sit on your bench and simply listen. You will be amazed at what He has to share with you.

Nice Surprises

So last Friday I was driving to Pittsfield to get a massage and decided to call my sister - she had called while I was in the shower so I assumed she was on her way to work. She answered the phone and asked what I was doing. I told her...I was driving to Pittsfield....so I asked what she was doing...and she said she was on her way to my house!!!

Yes - that was a nice surprise!!! Robin has a way of making a big splash.....and it was a little extra sweet because she got to be here for Austin's 15th birthday party, Toni Surratt's 50th birthday celebration, and she also got to share in an experience with her friend Brenda. Brenda has a little girl...well, she isn't so little. She is 15 and a sophomore in high school...and very, very cute!! Jill (brenda's daughter) had to make a trip to Children's hospital to have some tests done. Robin went with them.....Jill has a heart condition that is quite serious. All I can say is this - I have seen the power of your prayers. I have felt the power of God rain down on me...and others....so now - I am asking that you add Jill to your list. If anyone can make this heart condition disappear....it is you, coming together to pray!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

So, Robin showed up, we got enough rain to flood the Tennessee Vally, and 4 inches of snow Saturday Night. I am telling you - when she comes around, things happen!!! But I wouldn't have changed this nice surprise for anything. And when she gets around to it, she will email the photo of her and the girls and Austin standing by the snowmen in our yard, that were gone by dinner time!!! I will be sure to post it!!

God Bless you....and have a great day!!! P.S. Got some great news at the doctor. Will post more later.

Dad's Tired

Okay, I am going to try and blog this one - no jokes - no attempts to be funny. Just want to share with you what I witnessed on Tuesday.

Tuesday was a late day. I spent the morning at the doctors office with Austin - he has all kinds of infections....and while I was a bit upset that chemo was not scheduled until 2pm, having my baby boy be sick and takinig him to the doctor - made the late appointment a blessing. So....God makes all things clear in time - and He is in the details....as He was for me over and over again on Tuesday.

David and I arrived and they got me right in to do the blood draw....it was about 1:00pm....so, we were thinking I could have the blood drawn (which usually takes about 2 mintues...to access the port and everything). Let's just say - 45 minutes later I joined David in the waiting room. The blood would not cooperate and in the end they had to give me Activase again...and they simply drew the blood from my arm so we wouldn't have to wait 30 mintues on the Activase....while I was also not thrilled with the arm-thing....I want to tell you - Dan the Man came in to draw my blood and for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE....I did not feel anything. I didn't feel the needle go in or come out....I guess the fact that he does it about 50 times every day had something to do with it - but he was amazing.

So....getting back on track. I told David to just go ahead and go to lunch and leave me there. I didn't leave because I knew they would call me in the next 20 minutes or so - and I for certain wanted to be getting in there so we could get out......

Now, let me paint a picture for you. About the first time we went to chemo David found a wooden bench located down the hallway next to the bathrooms. It is in front of the windows so there is a nice view of the street below....and it is completely quiet - not to mention, it is a bit more germ-less than the cloth seats. David and I sit here every time....it is just a nice space...away from it all.

Tuesday was no exception. I was sitting on the bench, doing a crossword, and waiting for my beeper to go off (they give you beepers just like you get at the restaurants when you are waiting for a table) when I heard a man approaching. I am not sure why - but I started listening to his conversation. He had obviously walked down this hallway so he could have some privacy. He was alone, on his cell phone, and his conversation went something like this:

"Hey, bud. This is dad and we just got out of the doctors office. It wasn't good news, but of course, you know we didn't think it was going to be good news. The chemo I have been taking is not working. The doctor said there is one more drug they can try and if it doesn't work I have 6-8 weeks. How do I feel? Well, bud, dad is tired. I told you last week I could feel the cancer taking over my body. I can't eat and this week I lost 6 more pounds. It just isn't good. When? Well, mom and I are going to stay today and they are going to do the treatment. But I want to tell you, son, that if I don't feel good after this I am not going to do it anymore. No, no I won't get to enjoy my golden years with you and the kids - but I love you - and I want my last days, whatever they may be, to be good ones. And, son, dad is tired. I am just very tired. Now, you know this is a phone call your mom just couldn't make. She is down in the cafeteria getting something to eat and she has been crying non-stop. She just can't talk to you right now. SO, I am going to hang up and call your sisters. We'll be home soon. I love you, too."

I was......relieved. I am so ashamed. I listened to this man and all I could think of was how thankful I was that I never had to make that phone call. And then I felt sick. I wanted to run up to him and scream - YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT....and realized I couldn't make that call. So, I just watched him - and before he could call his daughters he went into the waiting room and sat down. He looked as if he could cry - but he didn't. He was being the rock...waiting patiently for his wife to return. I couldn't even talk to David about this man - I tried, but I wanted to cry, so I stopped. But I have not stopped thinking about him - and I will be looking for him the next three weeks.....hoping and praying that he felt good after that chemo and that his body will give it a chance.

But he is a dad - and he is tired - and he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. What a strong, wonderful man. I love him and I know Jesus loves him and I will never forget the courage and strength that poured out of him during that phone call.....and I will pray, and I ask you to join me, that God will shower this man and his family with His grace and mercy....and a miracle. I believe it. And I don't even need to see it to know it will happen. You see - God was in all the details fo rme this day...blood not cooperating, the bench in the private area, me not going to lunch....God will be in the details for him, too.

Willy Wonka and some teenage wisdom

Okay....I can hear it at least a hundred times, but I am a woman - therefore, I am vain. No matter what you say to me I am going to criticize myself. I had someone tell me the other day that was TOTALLY normal - it is a "female" thing. I agree with her...and I am so tired of it...but I am fairly certain it won't change!!

So, Saturday I awakened in my usual fog, unable to see clearly (literally - due to the benadryl, I believe), a wee bit tired, dry-mouthed, and ready to start the new day!! I stammered to the bathroom to freshen up and was stopped dead in my tracks upon entering the "mirror-zone." Looking back at me, much to my dismay, was the Blueberry girl. You all know her - even if you have never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, you have HEARD of the characters in the show....Well...on Saturday, I became the blueberry girl. I am going to blame the steroids. Heaven knows I do not want to blame the peanut m&m's....

Seriously - for a moment....I felt as though the gods of chemo were giving me a taste of what I have been seeing for nearly 5 months. I have SEEN people at chemo who looked....well....bare. There was nothing there - I have seen patients who I could not tell if it was a man or a woman....because of the swelling. Their expressions were filtered by the drugs they had been taking - and I didn't get it.....until Saturday morning. I have been popping out for some time. Believe me - I have 4 children who keep things "real" for me on a daily basis....Gracie and Sophie press on my stomach every single day and tell me....how big it is. I used to try and hide it - and now I have begun to embrace it. It is a part of this journey.....and, hey, who am I to take a laugh away from my kids? But what I really want to share with you is the wisdom of my teenager. It isn't that I don't listen to everyone. I do - and I appreciate and accept the love and support that is forthcoming. But I would be lying if I didn't say - there is something about the words of my babes that moves me. (Like when Gracie tells Sophie, "Geez, Sophie, do I have to slap you? You need to be quiet or I'm going to mash your mouth." Yeah - she says it...and she means it.....)

Austin and I were having a chat very recently (like...this past week)....it wasn't an out-of-the-ordinary chat...we chat all the time. Let's just say I am a mom who likes to know things -and he is a child who likes to keep me informed. Actually, he probably keeps me informed so I won't pester him so much....(holy cow - I really hope he doesn't feel that way)....Okay - back to the story. Teenage wisdom??? I, the mother, was a bit overwhelmed about looking like the Pillsbury Dough-Girl. Austin told me that he doesn't care what I look like - he just cares that I'm here. For that, my friends, I proudly....... go blue.

Thank you, God, for keeping this real for me - and reminding me that what is truly important is not that which we can see, but that which we know to be true and feel in our hearts.

Why waste time complaining?

I knew this would happen. As soon as the horns went back in my head and I settled down - I would feel bad for ever being upset....aboout the support gal at Siteman. As a matter of fact, the very next day on WIBI someone said.....we are all created in the image of God and worthy of respect. Alright...alright...alright....maybe that is true (and I believe it is)....but we are created in His image and IMperfect...the reason Jesus came back for us...the reason I got a little upset...and maybe over reacted....the jury is still out on that - and since I am the jury - I guess I will reserve judgement on it.

So, why complain? I have people ask me often how I am doing...and many times I comment that I am just fine - no complaints here. And then I follow it up with, "well, I have complained, but no one is listening so I decided to stop complaining." Well - the truth of the matter is...if I am complaining, then I am obviously NOT focusing on the blessings I have asked to recieve. I read a daily devotional (have several and love them all)....and one day a couple of weeks ago the devotional said that "complaining is death and thanksgiving is life." It makes so much sense - why pray for something if you are only going to complain about it? Instead of complaining about the service from the support staff, I think I should have been giving Thanksgiving for those who help me - and hundreds of others - every day. Believe me, the good far outweigh the bad in that joint....and I need to keep THAT in mind.

So, the next time you wake up - remember to give God thanksgiving for the many blessings you receive and prepare yourself to be blessed!!!

St Pat's Day chemo, 2009

Yes - I really did.

Faith

I woke up Tuesday morning...and I believed. It is what God has called me to do. Please understand - believeing is something I have down my whole life - I was "born into it"...THANK GOD....but believing took on a whole new meaning for me September 26, 2008. On Tuesday I woke up believing.

I suppose by now you are asking yourself..."What in the heck does she mean?" Well, let me explain. I believed God would provide all of the resources necessary for me to make it through the day. I hoped he would continue to bestow countless blessings on those around me. Where does this belief and hope come from??? Faith.

So, back to Tuesday. I grabbed my trusty chemo bag (the ONLY bag I carry to chemo now!!!), jumped in David's vehicle with my pillow and bag in hand, and headed to Siteman. David - he really has the easy part. He can put the car on auto-pilot now and we can take a nap together. It is sweet - truly sweet. Sorry - chemo brain in action...I tend to digress more and more. I suppose if this were being given a grade....I would most likely fail for "failure to stay focused."

"How was Tuesday?" you are asking yourself......let me start at the end. Since I have faith which allows me to believe and hope when others may not, I can tell you there was a silver lining at the end - but the road to get there was carved with a bunch of crap...sorry if you are offended by crap - but I could have said something much worse - I toned it down!!

The last three trips to Siteman we have had problems getting my blood to flow from the port. I had to take deep breaths, lean back, raise my arm, turn to my side, breathe again, and then have the silly thing stuck further (holy cow that really, really, really did not feel good)......unfortunately that stuff didn't work this time. After about 20 needles of saline, they decided to give me Activase.....it would just take about 20-30 minutes and then the blood would flow. Okay - it did....so off to a rocky start, but no big deal - I really don't get worked up over that stuff...ESPECIALLY since the nurses are SO FANTASTIC!!!!! I say that with the kindest of hearts. They truly are! Today - Sandy was no exception. AND...she looked just like a friend of mine from high school - Becky Dunnagan...or Daniel now....weird - I kept wanting to call her Becky. (sorry - once again I digress.) The activase....my only issue was I KNEW I would be going pee ALL DAY LONG....and I was right. God provided.....I Believed he would.

Then I went to see my oncologist, Dr. Michel. OH MY GOSH!!! This guy had the best sense of humor today. (I didn't know he had one - so to see it was truly a gift.) I was a little taken aback. He was joking about my ice cream and how he could counsel me to LOSE weight - eating nothing but ice cream. Because, as he put it, "At the end of the day it is calories in and calories out. Portion control - yes, that is what it is. " I told him that theory would hold water - if I didn't eat half a gallon....and I actually had a DESIRE to portion control. Therein lies the problem, Dr. Michel.....I DON'T want to be controlled!!! But - he had a sense of humor. I had hoped that would happen - that was truly a blessing from God!!!!

Renee was not my nurse today. Now, I could start boo-hooing here and complaining, but I won't . Why - because God uses her. And someone else needed her more on chemo day than I did. How could I be even remotely upset about that - I KNOW how special she is.....

I was humbled to be in a room with at least two other patients who are fighting for their lives. Hospitalizations, inability to take the sickness the chemo brings, and the nagging thoughts of wondering when their bodies will give out....or give in. But WOW did they have spirit. One fella drives from Jefferson City....and he is there all day. We had some nice conversations about somoking in restaurants...you know - it all comes down to eating. They may be fighting the battle of their lives...for their life....but eating is STILL a priority. That is why I know they will win!!

And I almost forgot to share with you.....my chemo started 3 hours late. I think the hospital was sick yesterday. I typically get very worked up about doctors offices being THAT FAR behind....I would most likely just leave. But, I have to admit - I just don't get worked up at the chemo center....and, to top it off, Laura came in to tell me they were schedulinig my next three appointments and she was wondering if I had a time preference. Now THAT knocked me off my socks - 11 treatments and I have never been asked for a time preference. So, I told her - first thing in the morning!!! When I awakened 4 hours later I asked David if they had brought the schedule...he said no. Well, the assistant overheard me and told me it was on the desk next to my chair. I picked it up and you will never guess what I read. My next two appointments start at 2:00 PM. I can not even begin to describe to you the heat flowing through my body - but I think the horns popping out of my head were a nice pre-cursor to what flowed from my mouth.

I eloquently asked...."Is this a joke?" To which she replied with a blank stare...so I continued...,"For the first time in 12 weeks, I was asked for a time preference and was given the WORST times EVER....I have never had an appt past 12:15, and the last 4 have been at 8, 8:30, or 9:15....all of that without even asking." She replied that Sandra and Joyce do the scheduling and I could talk to them. I asked her if one of them could come in and talk to me - "oh NOOOOO they wouldn't do that." Okay. I looked around and of the 200 patients that were given chemo that day I was the ONLY ONE LEFT....so, I asked myself, "she can't get off her butt WHY???" But I didn't say it. Well, maybe my eyes said it for me.

They finished my treatment and I was free to go....so I went to Sandra who had my chart from the assistant. Actually, that isn't true - my chart was laying to the side. She had obviously been working hard on it. She saw me approach. I looked at her, smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Becky McCartney....." and before I could get another word out of my mouth she grabbed my chart, looked at me and said, "I cain't move your appointment. I don't have any other times available. If I put you at 8am I only have one hour." I wish I could tell you that at this point I was kind. Not really. I grabbed my schedule and turned and left. Oh that is not true, I rolled my eyes, slammed my hand on the desk to grab the chart, and THEN I left....I really, really, really wanted to lay into her - especially since it had been a very long day....but what would that have accomplished? Not to mention - shouldn't I lead by example? I wanted to lead her alright - but it had nothing to do with "example." So I walked away.

But have no fear - this is a Saukee mom on chemo and this little episode was NOT over. I marched my happy rear-end to the front desk and requested Caroline's number. Caroline is the coordinator for the clinical trial I am on. I got the number and called......I could have had her paged but thought better of it - I didn't think my current crisis constituted the type of "emergency" she was referring to when she mentioned in her voicemail that she could be paged. I very calmly repeated the events of the day and told her, quite frankly, that my son had a banquet AND a concert on the 17th and if they didn't change the time, I wouldn't be there. Well, I haven't heard from her yet.....maybe I should give her a ring. I don't think missing is an option.

I told you in the beginning there is always a silver lining - that is the great thing about faith. I believe and I have hope....and I still do. I am a bit disappointed that I was unable to keep a smile on my face the whole time.....but I AM PROUD that I didn't physically remove that woman from behind her desk and mash her mouth.....that would have been totally uncool (but would have felt REAAALLLL NIIICCEEEE.)

When I take me or "I" out of the equation and focus on the person or persons I am dealing with.....I realize that maybe we are not on the same playing field. God sends gentle reminders....as he did today...that He is in control and the road won't always be a smooth one....but He will always be the driver....if I just let Him......THANK GOD!!

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey - I truly love you.

The Most Beautiful Women in the World

You probably read the title for todays blog and are currently wondering where in the world I have been.......or who I have seen. Well...let me tell you. Last Friday I had lunch at the Red Dome with a group of ladies - all cancer survivors - who meet once/month.....to just talk....about anything. And, I can say, without exception, they are the most beautiful women in the world.

When I first walked in, I saw them sitting at the table, and I got choked up....but I didn't cry!!! I wanted to - I looked around the table and there were 7 survivors there....and several others who come on a regular basis but were not there on this particular day. While it is a group every woman wishes she didn't have to join.....it is also a group that every woman knows she is lucky to be a part of. These women are so full of love, strength, hope, and encouragement.....I could go on and on....I just wanted to share with you how humbling it was for me to be able to dine with this group - and become a part of their camaraderie.

It is a lunch I will not soon forget - and a lunch I will look forward to each and every month.

A Season for guilty pleasures (Renee)

When David and I first started dating we had "the talk." You know the one I am talking about - the one that every new couple has at some stage of the game...usually at all stages, but for certain, in the early stages. It is the talk you must have in order to ensure you are compatible....the "Sex, Politics, Religion" talk....the one nobody wins, and everybody dreads.....

When David and I had our talk I took it a step further. You see, at that point, I knew a few things he didn't know - because I had already been married once (not that I thought I would marry the guy on our third date.....although he has said since that he already knew....hehehehe). I digress.....when we had the talk I told David something I thought FOR SURE would send him running.....or laughing. I told him that when I got pregnant, I got FAT......and I was sure that would be the same for each of my children...however many I should choose to have. It didn't even phase him. Which was no surprise. Guys can't think "out of the box." (sorry for the generalization...probably not fair in all cases) All he could see was the way I looked then and being fat didn't fit into the equation........a marriage and three daughters later.....I was able to say, "I told you so." Luckily, however, the fatness was just a season in my life - 80 pounds and a new baby each time...and each time I was EVENTUALLY able to get back to the way I was (why does it have to be so hard???)

So why do I share this with you? Well, today was chemo day and THANK GOD Renee was my nurse. I think all of the nurses know she is my pick - and maybe they have conspired to be sure I get her!!! Last week.....last week Renee was there but she was in POD3...I was in POD 4. And I was just a little ticked. You would have been, as well. The nurse I had was very nice (but as I have said in the past....I fired nice people.)...Anyway, while she was very nice, it was Fat Tuesday and she was more concerned about getting the food put out in the break lounge than making sure her patients had their meds. (I am having deja vu...did I already tell you this?) Which is why my meds were an hour late - she kept apologizing as I laid there....I just held my tongue....and watched as Renee, like usual, was running around, staying with her people, and making sure everyone was taken care of INCLUDING ME!!!!! And I wasn't even in her POD!!! (Jill has since shared with me that Renee would come over to POD 4 and tell Jill to take a photo of me with my mouth wide open....good blackmail shot!! I will SOOOOO get her for that!!!)

Anyway....today.....as we were talking, Renee asked how I was doing. And then, she took it a step further....(I TOLD you she was more than a nurse!!! They should put "counselor" on her tag, as well!!!) She asked how I was MENTALLY.....I told her not so good. I have gained nearly 19 pounds....BUT....I started working out yesterday and I was ready to make sure this chemo thing didn't take me over. Renee (now keep in mind - while she is talking to me she continues to monitor and work with her other patients - she can do this and still make you feel as if you are the only person in the world....I really love that about her - it is a gift she has). Renee commented that I should look at what the steroids are doing to me, and not worry about that - it is a part of the game. And, as she moved to another patient at the end of the room she asked me to look at the patients (liquid cancers and bone marrow cancers) in the waiting room who don't have 19 pounds to lose.....and think about how lucky I am. WOW - thanks, Renee....I told her I KNEW there was a reason I needed to see her today!!! If that didn't put it in perspective - what would??????

Here I have been obsessing about my weight gain and I should have been thanking God for it. In that moment, I can tell you that I was SO THANKFUL to have a tumor cancer and not a liquid cancer, or something worse. I looked at those people later in the day when we left (although I was extremely tired and not very alert.....)and I said a silent prayer for them...I say one now.....praying that tomorrow they will wake up and have a desire to eat - to eat ANYTHING...which seems to be the problem. They come in, skin and bones, and the nurses have to put poison in their bodies......praying it doesn't kill them because they have no fat.

Back to Renee....she did mention to me that there is something to be said about being "fat and sassy" when you are on chemo....they really DO like to see you come in and gaining.......because, as she said so eloquently.... this is just a season in your life. It will end and I will get over it. She asked me how much weight I gained when I was pregnant. I told her.......80 pounds, or more (yikes)......and, of course, I am nowhere near that now.......yes. This is just a season. And it WILL pass - a year from now I will be fit and trim again and looking back at this experience as a beautiful journey. Valentine's weekend while dining with Kim, Diana, and Beth, Beth mentioned to me that ice cream is a "guilty pleasure" that I deserve. THANKS, Beth!!!! I think I will take you up on that - like every day!!!!!!

Leave it to God to orchestrate a season of guilty pleasures for you. Listen to Him, take advantage of them, and live.

I love you...........

Germany

This is my friend, Jens, from Germany. He flew in Saturday and spent three days with us before roaming back off to Chicago to do some PR work for his company.

God exposed

Throughout the course of the last 5 months I have been blessed beyond measure on this journey. I have cried very few tears of sorrow, as I have shared with you....but I have cried many tears of Joy......and humility. It is quite humbling to experience firsthand the awesome power of God's love. I know we all receive it daily....there are times I am simply overwhelmed by His grace......and I cry.

I can give you many examples of what God has done for me - I have hesitated to ever use names....because there are SO MANY.....so many people who have touched my life through this process. But today - today I think I have to be a little specific, because I have to confess - and expose God. As a manager, my philosophy was ALWAYS to give credit where it was due. How else could I gain the respect of my employees? If you don't give proper credit - you will lose the good ones.....and be exposed. If you DO give credit....you will be exposed, as well....but in a much better way!!!

One of the first times I cried tears of thankfulness was October 27th. It was two days before my surgery and my phone rang. It was Wendy. She told me she was going to bring dinner over for my family the next night - so that my last night at home I would not have to cook...I could simply be with my family and enjoy the evening. David and I were at Terry's house - I remember it quite vividly. I was driving and he was standing outside of the vehicle talking to them. David got back in, I looked at him - and I had tears in my eyes....I couldn't stop crying. He asked me what was wrong....and I said nothing....absolutely nothing. God is taking care of every detail.

And so it has been. I can tell you stories about Jill, Patti, Shelley, Anissa, Butch and Ellen (parents of a friend from high school who regularly send me cards from their winter home in Texas......how humbling to know God reaches to all parts of the country - and the world - to have people pray for me....and bring me blessings), Joe (makes the best sloppy Joes in the world), Cindy, Kim, Beth, Diana, Troy, Nelsie, my sister, Angi, Aunt Patty, Renee, Jeanette, KB and KB, everyone from Tennessee, many people I don't know.....I could go on and on and on......you see - the list is endless because it is managed by God. Man is He awesome......and this week, He brought me to my knees.....He reminded me that He is in control - and I need to remember that. God is in the details....

Of course it is no secret I have obsessed about my weight gain (17 pounds as of Tuesday!!!). While my friend Jens was here this past weekend he said it best......"Becky, I do believe you have greater things to worry about at this point. Besides, your face doesn't look that bad." I think that was a compliment - my little German friend pulled a funny..........

I digress. What did God do that I am specifically referring to? Well, this past week I received three cards in the mail with Ohio return addresses.....from names I did not recognize. The first one was from Kate.....a very nice letter. She indicated that she was a friend of Beth Beard and had been reading my blog......and she gave some very encouraging words...... I was blessed.... Then another card came from a friend of Beth.....on Monday.... I stopped dead in my tracks.

First of all, let me talk about Beth.....she lost her dad recently to cancer. He survived for more than eighteen months with one of the most aggressive cancers there is - he outlasted most with his will and determination.....and while she is deep in the mourning process, she can't help herself but to think of others....God is using her to bless me through her pain. She is one of my best cheerleaders (there are many cheerleaders for whom I give thanks daily!!!) and I am thankful for her......and for all of them.......for all of you.....

Back to the card from Ohio......Lesa wrote in the card....that I had "No idea how much I had touched others." Lesa brought me to my knees, and I cried (I told you I cry a lot now,....tears of joy and humility).....and now I must confess to all of you....IT ISN'T ME...... I went back and re-read some of the blogs I did in the early stages.....and I don't even remember writing them!!! That is when I knew - it is because it wasn't me. I can't take any credit for helping anyone - I have to give it where it is due....and that is to my savior. God is not only my creator, but also my very best friend. He has held my hand, and blessed me daily with the love and support of hundreds - and thousands - of people. He has orchestrated all of this in His divine plan. God brought me to my knees with Lesa's words. I have not touched anyone - God has touched you through me. And, that, for me, is the most humbling of all....God is using EVEN ME!!!!!! Please know I am a willing servant and will continue to be for the rest of my life. I am so thankful that God is moving others - and while it would be a WOW to take that kind of credit....I simply can't. I will say "God Bless You." I will continue to pray for you and ask that God sends you showers of joy each and every day.

Thank you - all of you - for blessing my life. I would not change this journey for anything.

A little bit of speed.....and Two for Two!!!

Back in October I had the opportunity to blog about the day I was driving home....and was stopped by the law in Missouri. I recall the moment the officer stepped up to the vehicle....and asked where I had been. I simply told him the truth - the Siteman Cancer Center. Looking back - it was definately the word "cancer" that got his attention. Thank God it was NOT the shopping bags in the back of the vehicle......or the look on Jill's face!!!



Since that visit to the hospital there has been one common denominator - I am unable to drive after any of my treatments. The first eight weeks I couldn't because of the narcotics they gave me. Now I can't because of the pre-meds and sleeping medication....I think they give me enough to "kill a rat in lab tests." I will say, however, that when someone other than David takes me, I drive TO the treatment - so the other driver only has to transport me home!!



On Tuesday, as you know, Jill and I had a swell time. I was basically high all day on caffeine. And While the nurse never gave specific directions about what would happen after the caffeine wore off....I am sure she would have told me to expect to sleep for awhile....I am STILL feeling the effects of that coffee.....but it did not inhibit my ability to spot a bargain. My new favorite store is ANY store with an 80% off rack!!!!



I digress.....the day was wearing to an end and Jill and I were finally on the way home. I should also note that David and I USED to take route 79 to the hospital - and anyplace else we may be travelling to in St Louis. After my first trip with Jill....we changed our routine. We now take 40/61. It may be a bit further - but it is shorter....and the ride is so much nicer (and, I should mention that route 79 is the road I was on in October when the law pulled me over!!!).....so we were on our way home....on route 40/61....talking about something I can not quite remember when Jill says......



Oh, $#!&!!!!!. I looked at her and asked what was wrong. It was dark out as it was past 7pm...I think it was around 7:45. (you ask how I know this.....well....at 7:23 we passed a shopping development that we decided we would come back to - I told her we should time how far it was from her house so we would know exactly how long it would take to get there.......and it was AFTER this time she said that dirty word )Anyway, she indicated that she just saw 4 cop cars and they were pulling on to the road. I told her not to worry - to just stay behind the truck we were following and go 65...she should be just fine. (Besides....we weren't on the infamous route 79!!!) I then proceeded to tell her that if she DID get pulled over she could just tell them we came from the Siteman Cancer Center (truth...it may have been 8 hours earlier we came from there....but it was the truth)......I would keep my hat off and if she needed me to....I would even moan a little. Bald rules.



In the next instant the little cherry lights came on.....and it was evident they were following us and we needed to pull over. Jill remained very calm - I must say she was a sight better than I was in October. As I recall...I used a few swear words and was not at all happy the cop was approaching my car. Jill wasn't either, but MAN she was cool.....and the conversation went something like this:



Jill: Becky - I am going to need my license and my insurance card. And...do you think this guy will see all the shopping bags???



Becky: No - you will need my insurance card since this is my car....I will get it - no problem, don't worry.......and I thnk it is too dark for him to see the bags in the back....(here comes the officer....and not one swear word from Jill - I can SO take a lesson from her)



Officer: Mam, I am going to need to see your license, insurance card and registration. You were going a little fast back there. You were driving 70 in a 60 MPH zone.



Jill: You are kidding - I thought the speed limit was 65



Officer: No, mam, the 65 MPH zone starts right arouond the curve



(Okay - at this point, Jill and I both look up and directly in front of us on the side of the road is the sign which indicates that the speed limit is 65 MPH....I could not believe it - seriously - route 40/61 had the SAME SPEED TRAPS as route 79...I was so not loving the Missouri transportation system at this point.....and I can GUARANTEE you that my response would NOT have been the same as Jill's)



Jill: Oh my gosh.....officer, we just came from Siteman and this isn't my vehicle so my friend is getting her insurance card.



Officer: You just came from where? (Oh, man,,, I knew it - she was SO COOL....she walked him right into that trap...I loved it - I knew that sweet revenge was on the way)



Jill: The Siteman Cancer Center. My friend here had a chemo treatment today and she is not feeling very well. (Jill says this with a little laugh, a flip of the head, and a pat on my leg)



Becky: Officer, here is my insurance card. Do you need to see my license, as well?



Officer: (At this point he bends down....just a little.....and looks into the vehicle. Of course, he spots the bald head......) No, thank you, mam...I don't need to see your insurance card, either. Ladies,there aren't going to be any tickets issued today, but please slow down and be careful.



Jill: Officer, I am from Illinois.....I had no idea it was 60 MPH here!!!! (she laughs a bit louder and flashes those pearly whites) Thank you so much, officer. Have a great day. Thank you!!!!



I think Jill said more - and the officer said more - in the exchange....but I don't remember it all. All I can remember is how really COOL she was!!!! She was sooooooo different than me - and, quite obviously - the stronger of the two of us. She rocked!!!!!



hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. First of all - it took the officer a very long time to get to the vehicle when he first pulled us over. I told Jill - he was WRITING THE TICKET, Jill!!!!! And doing a search on the vehicle. Then, he walked up to the vehicle and she rolled down the window. I want to say right now......her getting out of that ticket had NOTHING to do with the word cancer and my bald head (not to mention I did not have to moan even ONE time!!!!) No - he was a young, attractive policeman.....he walked up to the window and saw Jill and I think he wanted to faint - she is GORGEOUS...so, of course, he smiled the whole time he was talking...and probably was going to ask her out until she started the whole cancer routine (thank God...because she would have had to turn him down....and then he WOULD have written a ticket!!!)



We are, as Jill so eloquently stated, "Two for Two." The moral to this story......when I can no longer use the "cancer" routine....I will need to make sure I am riding with Jill!!!

I met Jessica and I saw Jesus

Tuesday was chemo day. It just so happens that this week was another lottery for David - he didn't have to go!!! My friend Jill called last week to let me know she would like to take me again. Poor girl - the last time she took me we had to leave a little after 6am and I will never forget the sound she made when I told her......well. This week I had the earliest blood draw yet - 8am. And we have to leave 2.5 hours before blood-time....which meant 5:30. I really felt sorry for her...but so thankful at the same time!!!

On this particular day, I had to awake to say goodbye to my friend, Jens, who has been here since Saturday visiting. Jens is from Germany and I met him at the U of I in 1990....and we have been very dear friends ever since. As a matter of fact, I had the opportunity to fly to Germany in May, 2007, to be the Godmother of his third child - Lynn.....and what an honor!!! It was nice to have him here. As David and I showed him Pike County and talked about old times, he reminded us of how fortunate we are - he kept telling us how beautiful and peaceful it is here. All I could talk about was the mold in the air from the rivers.....he opened my eyes!!

So, Jill and I were off to St Louis. We seem to have the routine down to a science - because I walked into Siteman at 8:00am.......albeit at the expense of about 250 drivers on I 170. Thanks to the construction on 40/61, a lot of traffic had been diverted to 170. The drivers get off on 170 from 40 and drive North to Forest Park exit - MY exit...........needless to say, I do NOT stay in line.....I always drive to the front and cut in. I make sure to keep my wig off so an angry motorist might feel a little pity on the bald lady in the car. I still can not figure out why people wait in that line,,,I guess because they aren't bald.

It was an uneventful morning.....except I was a little peaved that they put me in POD 4 instead of POD 3. Why, you may ask? Because my chemo nurse is Renee....and she is typically in POD 3 -as she was today. And, well, I was a little peaved....I just was - chemo is no different than life. After awhile there are certain constants that you grow to rely on - for me, one of those very important constants is my chemo nurse....Renee. You see - Renee remembers me. She even remembers the fact that I can tast tomato soup and ice cream....butter pecan in particular. THAT is who she is....I am not just a chemo patient to her - I am a friend.....and I have grown to rely on that. Can you imagine my candor when I found out I would not be treated by her today? Don't worry - I didn't cut off any heads, or anything.....I just slept. And then.......I drank some coffee!!

You see - Jill and I had a master plan. We figured I would be out of the hospital by 11:30 or so - so we would have at least half of the day left to do a little retail therapy (look for the big bargains.) So I asked the nurse to please have a cup of coffee for me when I woke up so I could actually wake up. 50mg of Benadryl tends to put me out for at least 36 hours......I figured a cup of coffee would keep me up for the rest of the day. Oh yeah - it kept me up, allright. If you are reading this blog you will see that it is now 1:50am on Wednesday......since I don't drink coffee...or soda...or any caffeine.....a little cup has done more damage than I ever dreamed possible - I expect to crash sometme this morning and wake up......hopefully by Friday!!!!

So, Jill and I went to the mall. This day was all about the eyes. You see, on chemo day I don't do a lot - a little make-up on the eyes so I don't scare people to death ..... and that is it. I don't wear my hair - it is chemo day and I have every intention of being as comfortable as possible.....and I was!! As a result, however, there are a lot of stares. This is not new to me, nor does it bother me. As a matter of fact, I get a kick out of it - especially the men. Since men tend to be less emotional - or reasonable when it comes to a bald head.....I think most of them figure I have lost my mind and shaved my head. (Seriously, guys.....Sinead O'Conner and Britney Spears may do that.....but most women definately do NOT!!!!) Women, on the other hand think with emotions....and probably tend to guess that there is something wrong (hair disease, cancer,.....etc). Today - there were a lot of stares. The first store Jill and I ventured into was White House Black Market. I wish I could tell you that was a good experience. It really wasn't. Those women definately treated me different,...and that was a hard lesson to take. I thought maybe I smelled, or something. It is amazing to think a bald head can have that effect. Later in the evening Jill told me that she would never go back there. I had to concur. I do believe, however, that store was the expection. As Jill would tell me, she believed that the looks she saw seemed to indicate that people were compassionate - they would stare at me and then get a look as if to say,"Good for you. We hope you are ok."....or something else very positive. I call it the human spirit - we are surrounded with people who have a big heart.....quietly or otherwise, they care.

And then there was the girl who changed my day. It was nearing the end of the evening. Around 6:30 we were in the Gap and I had several items in my hand. I was becoming VERY tired - and it probably showed. A young girl walked up to me and asked if she could take my clothes to the dressing room. I was SO RELIEVED!!!! I thanked her and told her that my friend also had a handful!!!! She looked at me and said, "Oh, I don't work here. I just want to help you. My mom was sick and I want to help you. I can take your bags, too. They will keep them behind the counter for you so you don't have to carry them." I stood there for a brief moment.....in silence, and looked at her. I looked in her eyes and I could see the compassion and love of Christ. This girl was the most beautiful stranger I had ever seen. I was silenced. And then I said, "Thank you. Thank you so much." She took my clothes and my bags and walked away.

Okay - for a brief moment I thought...becky, did you just give away all your bags???? But there was such a peace about that thought. I just knew it was okay. I grabbed a shirt, and walked to the dressing room and started trying on clothes. About 5 minutes later I looked up and walking towards me was this girl. She walked up to me, put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug. I pulled back and asked her name......"Jessica," she replied. "thank you, Jessica, for what you did. Is your mom okay?" She replied that her mom had been in remission for two years. She told me that her mom, also, did not have a wig and she was so proud to see me out shopping. (my baldness did not scare her....it inspired her to reach out to me) She could remember what it was like to carry her moms bags.....and she wanted to help me. I was so touched by her kindness. I had to force myself not to cry (as I am now....just thinking about her...and praying for her). I hugged her and she looked at me and said, "God Bless You. God Be with You."

God Bless YOU, Jessica. Although I will never see you again - I know that Jesus walks this earth because of you. You made a difference in my life today and I wish I could tell you again....thank you....for not listening to the voices telling you to stay away from the freaky lady with no hair......but listening to the voice of God telling you that I needed to see Jesus face to face today.

Guys mouths are best when shut

Have you ever seen the commercial where the gal is getting ready to go out and she puts on the slinky dress....walks to her husband and asks, "Honey, does this make me look fat?" Of course, we all know what he says, right? If he knew what was good for him he just kept his mouth shut - or said something along the lines of, "of course not, honey. You look beautiful." It doesn't matter, anyway. If a woman asks that question it is because she already knows the answer.

It was this commercial that recently came to mind....during a conversation David and I were having. I was in his office doing some work on taxes....well, I was trying to do some work, but kept getting sidetracked. At any rate, over a salad and sloppy joe David and I started to talk - once again - about losing weight. He mentioned that he would like to lose 20 pounds...and I followed with I need to lose the 10 pounds I have gained and get toned again. I really miss working out. David looked at me and somehow I simply knew that whatever was getting ready to pour forth from his mouth was something that I did not want to hear....but he was going to say it anyway. I could see it coming - he was digging a hole and he hadn't said one word. And so he said, "Becky - I wasn't going to say anything. " (at which point I was thinking....then you should probably shut your mouth right now...but I said nothing and allowed him to keep digging). I simply looked at him and nodded, as if to say "Go ahead, David. I am dying to know what you THOUGHT you sholdn't say to me." And he continued, "but....if you would stop eating Dairy Queen all the time this might be easier." Wow.............

For the next 30 seconds I sat there in stunned silence. So did he - and my tirade went something like this. "You know what , David. The only freakin thing I can taste right now is tomato soup and ice cream. And I am NOT going to stop eating ice cream before the chemo is over. Do YOU have ANY IDEA what it is like to eat every day and not taste anything you are eating?" And.....Oh MY GOODNESS....he had the audacity to actually answer me. He said, "Yes - I did that once for two weeks......" I laughed......"You are kidding me, right?" He replied, "No - I had a cold." Folks. I had to bring this agonizing conversation to an end. So - I looked at him and indicated that this talk was over. I believe his last words were something along the lines of, "I probably shouldn't have said anything." NO KIDDING!!!!!! Guys, here is a hint. When you THINK you shouldn't say something - DON'T!!

Now I should probably put a disclaimer on this. David was just stating the obvious - but forgot he was stating it to a wife on chemo. And believe it or not, that makes a difference. There is a reason he often refers to me as "chemo brain." And while I think he is top notch and have probably placed him on a pedestal at times......I learned that even he can fall....as he did. No - seriously, that comment made him crash......and burn.

And so it is - the old saying is true. Guys - you are better off just keeping your mouth shut. Let's take Judas, for example. You would have thought he could have gotten a clue after he denied Jesus the first time. Hello, Judas - the cock crowing didn't set off some bells and whistles in your head. You had THREE TIMES to get it right.....and you had to open your mouth each one. How hard could it have been.....to just ZIP IT!!!

I am not complaining (okay, I am a little....but I have learned that no one listens to complainers....so I am trying to make it look like constructive discipline.) I have come to terms with the weight gain.....and believe me, I will enjoy my ice cream and tomato soup for another two months.....and then spend the rest of the summer getting it off again. Maybe, just maybe, Jillian will show up and whisk me off to the Biggest Loser Ranch!!! I will concede that Bob is the one man right now.....whose mouth is better off not shut.

Have a great day!!!!

Cocky...to be or not to be.

I have always told my kids to not be cocky. Cocky gets you nowhere - especially when it is with your mother!! Why is it that I can not heed my own advice???

Yesterday was the arrival date of Karen - she was flying in from California to take some photos of her bald friend (that would be me). I thought I should clarify since Karen has a lot of bald friends...many of whom are former classmates - yikes - can't believe it - but there are a lot of bald 40-somethings out there.....As a matter of fact, I had dinner Saturday night with three of them!! It was a little funny. I am not sure how we got on the subject, but Phil mentioned that "bald rules"...and I piped in, "Hey, we do!!!". With me at the table, we actually had FOUR baldies!!! Let me just add....the men make much better looking baldies!!!

I digress...back to karen. Sunday I received a call from her. I thought for sure we were going to discuss her itenerary and coordinating her pick-up at the airport. The first words out of her mouth were, "I have a cold and mom says I can't come see you." HA!!! I thought she was joking. She wasn't. No problem - I simply asked her if she had a fever or the flu. Of course, she did not. So, I said I would call the medical oncologist and see what he said. The great thing about Siteman - they have a medical oncologist on call 24/7 and I can call them about ANYTHING......so I did. I really didn't think it was necessary - especially since Karen did not have a fever. I had always been told I could not be around anyone who had a fever or the flu for at least two weeks after....if someone had said a "cold" then I missed it.

So the doctor called me back........and agreed that Karen could not come. Well, those were not her exact words. Karen could come if I wore a mask the entire time, washed my hands continuously.....and was not exposed to Karen at all. Needless to say, that is NOT what I wanted to hear. Seriously - I thought the doctor would say it was no problem since she had not had a fever. Well, the fever had nothing to do with it. The issue is infection - and since she has a sore throat, is sneezing (transference) and doesn't feel very good, there is a high probability she could give me something. Which - would not be an issue if I was not taking chemotherapy........

Remember my comment about being cocky? Well - I prefer to call it over-confident. that sounds so much better...And, if I might add, I think a little bit of cocky does a whole lot of good when you are fighting cancer.....

So, I may have been a little cocky - but Karen will get here eventually. So, I guess I be!!!

Prayer Request

Please pray for Phil Hoover, Sr. (Dalton's grandpa.....Dalton is in Austin's class and they are on the basketball team). Mr. Hoover had a biopsy earlier this week on a lump in his neck. They do not have the results yet - but the doctors have indicated they believe it is lymphoma....and they will be meeting with him next Monday to give the results.

So.......please pray. I have personally benefitted from the prayers you have given - I KNOW they work....and I am so thankful for the many prayer warriors who believe - and who do. So, please...let's all show Mr. Hoover what we can do together!!

God Bless You!!!! Thank you for checking in......

The Goodie Bag

Tuesday is chemo day around here.....and this week was no excpetion. Well, there was an exception - David got the day "off." My friend, Patti Saxer, otherwise referred to as "neighbor" took me for the day. This is what I call true friendship - a woman that will get up at 4am to be at my house by 5:45am in order to leave (it seems I have a couple of girlfriends who fall in this category!!! They are both shoppers, hard workers, and great moms....yeah - that explains it...early to rise is no big deal for them!!!) But the day started before Tuesday morning....it started last week when I got a big old package in the mail........

Yes, it came from my friend Beth. And it was big - so I was thinking....hhhmmmm...Beth has sent me some more cookies - and I was WRONG...well, partly wrong. She sent the cookies allright - but they were for David. For me - it was better. Beth had sent an awesome bag filled with all kinds of goodies that I would need for my day at chemo....it was like Christmas morning when I unpack the stocking all over again!!!

You would not believe what I was pulling out of this bag. I had magazines to read, crossword puzzle books to do (with a pen attached!!!), nuts, kleenexes, sanitizer, gum, licorice, trailmix, more nuts, and I am telling you - each time I opened the bag I found something else...something new that would satisfy whatever need I had at the time...bad breath, altoids to suck on when they accessed my port, (this was great - I asked Patti to hand me the bag THINKING I was going to grab some gum....and out from under the magazine popped the altoids.....beth thought of everything). So...the day wore on and it became very clear that everything I would need to make this day a little brighter, or my stomach a little happier......was in the bag. It reminded me of something else that has everything I need...........

The good book....full of wisdom, words of love, and a remedy for every ailment I have - in any day. I even referred to my bag as my "chemo bible....." I am in love with this bag and plan to keep it filled - and take it each and every Tuesday not only as a reminder of the love I have received from so many....but as a token of what God has done for me throughout this entire process....which is to remind me daily that He deals in the details. He sent his son to die on the cross.....taking care of me through a little chemo would seem to be something that should not even hit God's radar.....but it does. He doesn't forget the details....and I am so thankful for Him.....I am most assuredly thankful each day for the goodie bag. I am most thankful each day.....for you.

A Tale of Two Wigs

A couple of weeks ago I decided I wanted another wig - the first blonde wig I had purchased looked grossly like....a wig. Given I have another 4-6 months without hair, I decided a new wig was in order. So, I headed to Quincy with my friend Jill to make a purchase.

The lady at 8th Avenue escorted me to the back where the wig section lies.....sat me in a chair, and asked me what my natural hair color was. I started laughing hysterically. How should I know? It has been years since I had witnessed my natural hair color....so we looked at my eyebrows - and Jill found this wig. I liked the style - but the color threw me a bit. I don't ever remember having this color hair - but it certainly matched my eyebrows....so I said I would take it. The look grew on me and I have grown to love the brown wig. When Sophie first saw me she asked me what I was doing with Nelsie's hair!!! In addition to the brown wig, I decided to be a little bold - maybe get a long wig - a blonde, long wig! I may have just turned 41, but I feel like I am in my 20's....why not go for it??

So - the long blonde wig was ordered.....and last Saturday the whole family loaded up in the van to drive to Quincy to pick up the new wig....I went inside, the anticipation was simply killing me...so I went alone - I made everyone stay in the van to wait on me. I entered and was surrouonded by a swarm of young girls looking for prom dresses (great - no chance for privacy with this one.) I was, once again, escorted to the back and put in "the chair." The wig expert withdrew the piece from the box and placed it on my head. She immediately began to style it. Believe me - she is EXCELLENT at this....I don't know if she could see the sheer look of horror on my face, but she kept on styling!! She asked if I wanted to wear it out (lord, no, I was thinking - I look like an alien from Pike County...but I didn't want to hurt her feelings...yikes)...so I did...I wore this hideous hairpiece out to the van. I threw open the door, plopped in my seat, smiled at David and asked him what he thought.......no words or emotions were forthcoming. Yes - his lack of response was all I needed to confirm my worst fears. I was an alien....a mixture of blonde ambition from the 80's and a length gone ALL WRONG.......

Simultaneous to my entry to the van, Austin was sending a text message to my friend Jill....it went something like this, "Mom just picked up her new wig and we have a problem." He sent this before he said even one word to his mommy.....believe me - it was justified!!! David, after seeing the sheer look of horror on my face indicated that it was not his favorite look - and he was darned happy I did not like it, either.

I hadn't planned to share this story - but the look is so hideous, I thought I would preserve it for future posterity...or something neat like that. Since I have the right...I am blaming the long, blonde wig on "chemo brain." My kids can pull this up in years to come and.....laugh at their mom. Hey - I will laugh with them. How could I not?

Celine

Need I say more? Last year Frank got tickets for Mary, Teresa, Frank, and I to go see Celine in concert. It was originally scheduled for November 11th, but she cancelled due to a sore throat. In hindsight, I was so happy because it was less than two weeks after my first surgery - and I was extremely exhausted.......and then last night arrived.....February 4, 2009, the Scott Trade Center....and some McCartney's ...and a Goetten....

The four of us left Pittsfield at 5pm on our blessed adventure. Believe me - it was blessed. How do I know this? Because at 7:15 we were taking the offramp and at 8:00pm...we were STILL on the off-ramp. I can tell you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, angels were carrying our car - because Frank mentioned, several times, that he was very angry (maybe those were not his exact words)...but the concert started at 8:00...hopefully with a warm-up act since we were obviously going to be late.

So - at 8:00 we are still on the off-ramp, and Frank does what we all wanted to do.....he goes down the left lane and makes a right turn(okay - there really wasn't a left lane, but he created one.....he is so creative) ....because we were following a bunch of driving IDIOTS....I can not even get into that - but he did it. We parked 4 blocks away - and STILL made it to our seats by 8:20...to see Gordy Brown, comedian, tear us up!!! I seriously do not know how to explain it other than to say it was Divine Intervention. God, of all people, knew how desperately we wanted to see Celine...and who wants to miss the opening number? I am still in a little bit of shock when I realize what Frank accomplished in 20 minutes....Teresa and I sat in the back and smiled....we knew how is was accomplished!!!

Celine - she was worth every penny and all the stress. We were sitting about 15 rows up from one of the ramps - and the seats were phenomenal. We actually saw her wink....and Frank insists she was looking directly at him (fantasy world).

This has nothing to do with chemo or cancer - but I simply had to let you know.....God is in the details and He didn't let us down!!! So - I give Him the credit....for one of the best concerts of my life!!!

My Item from the Man-List

Each day when I open my email account I have several emails that have been forwarded to me to read. On occassions, I will open my account and there are more than just a few - so on those days I have to decide which ones I will read and which ones I will simply delete from existence. On one particular day a few months ago it was decision making time....after much consideration and deep thought, I decided to read the one that was titled "men vs. women in the shower"...or something to that effect.

The first part of the email was a list of about 25 things a woman does in preparation for and into the shower. The man list? It had all of three items....but the one I remember was, "man stands in shower, blows his nose into his hand and shakes it off." Okay - that one was very disturbing to me. Confession time - I do this nearly EVERY DAY!!!! I couldn't believe that was on the man list like it was some female forbidden taboo.....Should I even be confessing this? Probably not....but ever since starting chemo, this particular man-item is something I can not live without.

It is the part of my shower I most look forward to - because until I have completed this daily ritual, I am unable to properly breathe. The chemo has thinned the mucous lining not only of my bronchial tubes, but of my nasal passage, as well. So, each day, it clogs up - and each morning it has to be "relieved" of the stress. So, yes, each day I have a really nice bloody nose - not so appealing to you - of that I am certain. Listen - I could get super graphic and share many details of other items the chemo has effected....but I love you more than that. Moving on......

Reviewing the man-list for the shower. If my memory serves me correctly (and my memory is HORRIBLE right now) the other two items for a man in the shower involved body parts that I do not possess....so it would be impossible for those items to pertain to me. Seriously - I am not kidding - it would be impossible. Please take my word on that. However, it gives me pause to note that....what is good enough for the man-list, might just be good enough for me - for all of us.

I am reminded of a line from a play that was done by Triopia many moons ago. I believe it was "Speak of the Devil." My brother was a junior (1980) and Jerry Hooker (can't remember his name in the show) was asked..."So, you have seen God....what does He look like?" And Jerry responded, "SHE'S beautiful!!!" Not sure if he said beautiful.....but the point is.. we all see God as a man....and he made God a woman!! I love it - one of my all-time favorite Ken Bradbury lines!!!

So, here is to us - to life - and to everyone being able to identify with the man-list.