Bitter....not sweet

About once a week David and I like to frequent the new Mexican establishment in town. We are quite familiar with directions on how to arrive there - as this new restaurant resides where our old one used to ( key word - USED to....Hallelujah!!!!) Anyway, it has become quite commonplace for David to order tea - unsweetened tea - but the silly little guy seems to always get it wrong, and he brings David the stuff that tastes like syrup....and since I prefer my tea to be bitter, not sweet....I don't offer to change - and David is so nice that he doesn't ask them to bring a new glass. He doesn't want to be wasteful.

And so it is - I prefer bitter....not sweet. But ONLY when talking about my tea. If we were discussing, say, a relationship - well, of course I would want it sweet.....who would want a bitter relationship?

I digress for one moment. I am (searching for the right words at the moment)....perplexed....yes - let's say that I am perplexed. So I am blogging - and I promise that by the end of this it will all come together. If not - then blame Mrs. Hayes for not doing a better job of teaching me how to get my explanatory paragraphs in the right place.......or was it Mrs. Carriger (nope...she was algebra).....Mrs. Clinton( not her, either....unless I am writing this blog in Spanish) Mrs. Charlesworth - no way was it her......even if it was I would never admit it!!! Okay - then we will blame KB.....he is like Mikey - he'll do anything....although he was drama. Oh well, forget it. Blame ME!!!! (do I need disclaimers to name people in my blog????)

I know that there are many family members and friends who read this daily and they pray for me - and they call me - and they lift my spirits............take Angela, for example. This is the cousin who took precious time out of her day recently to send me an email and let me know that I did NOT look chunky in the wedding photos - flat chested, prehaps, but NOT chunky. (I haven't heard that one before....bitter?) She is also the cousin I called from the parking lot of the bank on the day I was preparing to give my notice. As I sat there, I called Angela - my cousin who I knew would make me feel better about leaving the bank after 7 years at the age of 40 to stay at home with my children. I mean - who better for me to ask than a woman with four children who gave up full time work to stay at home with her kids - right? She listened to me speak for several minutes and then answered, "Are you kidding? I am definately NOT the person you want to talk to about leaving your job to stay home with your kids." (bitter....) After I picked my stomach up off the floorboard, she laughed, we cried - and she held me through the phone... (sweeet........) THAT is what family and friends do for each other.

THAT is what Christians do for people they don't even know - via the wonderful world of prayer chains, and simply listening to the voice of God. I am screaming right now - THANK YOU for heeding the call of God. Regardless of your station in life or where you are praying from.....

I grew up in the Chapin Christian Church. This is a tiny church in a town of 500 people where we had special music - nearly every week....potlucks after the service that EVERYONE attended.....Jr. CHi-Rho (5th and 6th grade), Sr. CHi-RHo (7th and 8th grade), and CYF (high school) that kids could not wait to be old enough to belong to.... women's groups, men's groups......Christmas bazaars, fish fries, church picnics, church programs, bible school.....I could go on and on - but in our little town of Chapin - this church was a family. It was a part of my family until I left after high school.....and whenever anyone was in need, the family came together. As with any "family" there are those who are memorable.....and one of my most memorable was Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob was a military chaplain many years ago. While in the military an American soldier raped, beat, and murdered his 16 year old daughter......and Pastor Bob counseled that soldier......now what does THAT tell you about him? Believe me - I am quite certain several of you just fell off your chair. This is the same man that was leading our church family when my father died and when my brother died 7 months later. I can tell you one thing for sure - Pastor Bob was one of the first people at my side.....and I will never forget his words of loving encouragement that only could have come from the mouth of a man of God. A man who loved me because I was a child of God. I am so thankful for that memory. He became - and still is - my benchmark for a pastor.

And now.....well, now I am going to say what to me seems unthinkable.....but I have struggled to figure out how it is that my church family has opened their arms and embraced me in a loving way - and I have never heard one word from the mouth of my pastor. I was diagnosed on September 26th. Today is November 30th. Two months have passed and I have yet to hear one word from my pastor. I KNOW THIS IS NOT NORMAL..............THIS IS WHAT PASTOR'S DO. Seriously - I mean, aren't they supposed to reach out to us.....ask to pray with us.....or, am I as the one in need supposed to reach out to him? If these words strike a bad chord with you - I don't know what to say. But let me tell you this - what I have learned over the course of the last two months......is that the best "pastor" is not the one wearing the robe.....but the one (or, in this case, the hundreds) that are praying and listening. You know what's funny???? Okay - maybe not funny, but peculiar? Okay - that's not right, either. You know what is telling? YES - that's the word - telling..........guess who I called the day after I was diagnosed? I called the pastor of my heart. A friend who is a man of God and loves all of God's children. A friend who I knew would pray for me. He knows who he is - he used to drive to Champaign, Illinois, to have communion with me when I was a struggling student, a wife in distress, and a wary Christian. Thank God I called him - it's the only pastoring I've had.

Let me clarify....the only talk with a pastor I have had. I have had a TON of pastoring!!! Whether you know it or not, if you love God and you open your heart - He will use you. I know this - because He used you to help me.......Thank you.....I love you!!!!

Listen......I am not bitter - I am thankful. I refuse to lay down and let the absence of the earthly man wearing the cloth keep me from the Man Who died on the Cross.

A moment of reflection

Dear friends, family, and loved ones....

I am asking for a very specific prayer. On Tuesday, my first day of chemo, I just learned that I will be having my blood drawn and taking chemo at nearly the IDENTICAL time as the father of a dear friend from high school. (both of us at the Siteman Cancer Center) His name is Jim Beard - his daughter Beth has become a very close friend of mine....a "circle of four" I will say. Four of us who email nearly every day - about life, family, and other issues. (I love you Beth, Kim, and Diana!!)

Jim has been a cancer survivor for 19 months (because he became a survivor from the first day he was diagnosed.) His battle and Beth's experience has taught me countless lessons about hope, loyalty, humor, and never giving up. While his diagnosis may not be what we want to hear, his spirits are high and we all know that God is in control. All I ask - is that I be who God needs me to be for Beth and Jim on Tuesday. If there are words I can speak....let me speak them. Let me let go and let God for them.......And pray for Jim and his family.

Family Heirlooms

I am a very fortunate person (to say the least). I was raised in a Christian home...with loving parents who taught me the value of family. I wouldn't trade my station in life for anything....well, except maybe more precious time with those who are no longer here.....

I have probably shared with you - individually - about some of the struggles I have had emotionally dealing with cancer. As always, the cancer is the easy part....the hard part is realizing how it is effecting others......and, most humbly, how it must have effected those in my life who had cancer before...

David and I were travelling back to Pittsfield one day after a trip to Siteman, and thus the conversation began. I am not really sure what started it all....but I began to talk about my dad. Now, my dad never had cancer, but he had to watch his beautiful bride be eaten away by it - and while I often think of my mom having cancer, I hadn't really thought about what my dad must have gone through....until I had the opportunity to watch David. On this particular day, I was telling David how thankful I was to have him in my life to share this...well....cancer. Not something you want to "share" with someone.....but man how thankful I am he is in it with me. As we were talking, I lost it.....I told him I was thankful that he and I would NEVER feel what my parents felt - knowing mom would die.....and to have to live through that. I can't desribe it, but to say I am so humbled....it brings me back to earth. I was going on and on about my thanksgiving - and David was silently standing by and listening. He gently grabbed my hand and blurted, "aren't you ready for lunch?" Yikes - I started laughing!!! It was a good breaker....

But what does all this have to do with family? Back to my dad......this past weekend I had the great surprise of having two of my cousins and a friend come to our house for The first shotgun weekend.....I knew Brent was coming...and then there popped up Jeremy!!! I was thrilled. I can not describe in words for you how exciting it was to see them. Later that night David commented that I seemed very happy about them coming....and he couldn't put his finger on it. I thought it interesting that he noticed.....men just don't notice that stuff. I mean - I can come home with orange hair and a nose piercing....and David wouldn't notice (a guy thing??)

Anyway......every time I am around someone from our Tennessee family....they talk about my dad - they say something about my daddy....and it always makes my heart skip a beat....and later, it will make me cry. And I knew that Brent would bring me that joy. And, folks, let me share what I didn't share earlier about that AWFUL Friday with 7B..... later that night, when the guys came in from hunting....Brent started talking about my daddy......and all I can say is - for every woman out there who knows the feeling of having your daddy hold you and comfort you....I had that feeling at that moment...and for an evening, cancer was no longer there.

Family - I am so thankful. That word is so much bigger than blood...it is a community of friends, christians, loved ones and kin.....and they are all gifts from God. Just like you. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. My prayer tonight is that God shows you the blessings He has given in your family and you are able to embrace them. I pray I will do the same.

Chemo to begin

I just received a call from Dr. Michel's nurse (Dr. Michel is my medical oncologist - he is responsible for my chemo treatments...but is NOT the attending physician on the clinical trial). I start next Tuesday, December 2nd.

9:45 Draw Blood
10:20 Meet with Dr. Michel
11:30 Chemo starts
2:15 Meet with Dr. Brandt

Okay - I know what you are all thinking. I said I was not going to do multiple things in one visit any more....welllllllllll I just couldn't help myself - Dr. Brandt is actually on the main campus that day and I can meet him right there....so I decided to go ahead and do it. PLEASE pray that they do not get behind and I miss this appointment - I think I would bury my head in a pile of cow manure if that happens....Lord knows it would feel better than missing his appt again.

And in case you are wondering - the nurse said my hair would start to fall out 3-6 weeks after the first treatment....I was hoping for 3-6 days. I am ready to start saving money on toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, root lifter, biosilk, shine and sheen, chi, and hair spray) and electricity (blow dryer, curling iron, flat iron), haircuts, hair colors, and all that other stuff that goes with hair. I think 6 months of chemo and I will be able to save enough money for our summer vacation with what I will save on my "hair treatments."

December 2nd - I can't wait!!!! This is so nice - they decided to give me Thanksgiving week "off."

A lesson learned.......about reaching out

So I went to bed last night and woke up this morning feeling very guilty about the unkind words I spoke about the girl in 7B. I should not have made those comments about her enlarged bottom. Having cancer is NO excuse for being condescending - and I apologize.......however.....

That girl - who I will refer to as "7B" deals with many patients every day - and every single cotton pickin one of them has cancer. She doesn't know who is terminal and who isn't - she had NO IDEA that I am not dying....but she did see the tears in my eyes and the utter frustration I was feeling. And all she could do was heave a sigh of relief (my assumption) when I walked away - because I represented additional work...and she had no desire to do any work which would require her moving off that chair. And that, my friends, is more painful than the cancer could ever be. I was a number to her....nothing more, although perhaps less.

She taught me a lesson......and I will never forget the helplessness I felt - all I wanted was for someone - ANYONE to reach out to me and make me feel better about what I was experiencing at that moment - and I am not talking about the cancer....I am talking about the "out of control" feeling that comes when you have no idea where you are supposed to be - and the only thing that can make you feel better....is finding out where that is. My situation is not life or death - but on Friday, I felt like it was.

I have said before that God did not give me cancer, but He has taken this affliction and is making me a better person. I will never again - and I mean NEVER again.....knowingly walk away from someone who is hurting and in need. I may only be able to offer a prayer, or a hug, or a smile....but I won't walk away - and I want to say thank you for not walking away from me.....for not judging me as I became......unkind....this will take some serious reflection for me - a lesson God is teaching me about truly giving yourself to others. I am ready.

I'm Watching You

David and I have a new game that we play (seriously - I know what you are thinking and you need to get your head out of the gutter....this is cancer we're talking about). We do - and ladies, I want to apologize in advance. I can tell you, without a doubt, I do not know of ONE woman in my life - married or otherwise, who would play this game with her husband. All I ask for is one "get out of jail free" card.....it is just the cancer thing....I promise.

We look at boobs. We look at all boobs. It is completely innocent, you see - we are simply trying to figure out what would be best for me. It all started after a little confrontation the other evening. I was sitting on the chair and I was having an "out of body experience" regarding my breasts. I told David that my boobs hurt....He responded, "that's because you don't have any." HAHAHA I totally did not think that was funny - but we laughed and so the conversation began.

We needed boob research, and in an effort to get some good boob research in while we were visiting the doctor, I decided to watch boobs for ONE HOUR. David and I agreed - this would be interesting. Actually, he rolled his eyes ( I think it was his attempt to try and convince me that he is only agreeing to this game because I am in need.....what kind of fool does he think I am?) Let me just say that I think boob watching is vastly overrated. Ladies, I watched for one hour as agreed.......and I was completely exhausted. I don't understand - men watch boobs all day long EVERY day. We know they do. And I have a question for men - I want to know how they ever get anything else accomplished. I think we have a serious problem here. Can you imagine how much more productive our society would be if it was ILLEGAL for a man to be caught looking at a woman's boobs. You are all thinking the same thing I am right now...."if you want to get something done right, you put a woman in charge." Am I right? Yeah - you know I am - we all say it.....and now I know why. Because men are too busy lookinig at something else.....please, tell me if I am wrong.

Ladies - I challenge you. Do it for ten minutes and you will see what I mean - there are many different types of boobs out there and I have an entire page in my calendar describing each type as well as the pros and cons. Boobs are a good thing. I do not mean to belittle them in any way - but looking at them every day? Let me just say - you are safe. I am no longer looking at boobs....way too exhausting for me. But I really did do that.....I hope you don't think less of me - it was just an experiment.

No way is this endorsed by God - since He is a woman. I think I am on to something here.

Confessions of a blogger

Cancer Sucks. Okay - I'm sorry....I know I'm not supposed to say that.....but there are days (albeit very few) that I think this cancer thing really sucks.....and Friday was one of those days. My cousins from Tennessee had shown up Thursday Night to hunt - and I was so excited to have their company...then Friday came and it wiped me out so I didn't get to visit as much as I wanted to that night - that REALLY made me mad...... I just want to talk right now......and release some of this.......pent-up frustration.

As I reported earlier, Friday was a "doctor appointment day". In my attempt to be frugal and save money, I had asked the coordinating nurse to try and get all of my pre-chemo stuff in on the same day as my reconstructive visit...and she did. She actually called me at 1:00 last Wednesday to say she was putting the itenerary in the mail......Okay, I am not a rocket scientist (and if you are, no slam intended) but I could figure out pretty quickly that her letter in St Louis was not going to reach the sticks of Pittsfield before I left at 6am Friday....all I wanted to do was say, "DUH."...but I didn't. I ALWAYS remind myself that this is definately no situation in which I want to be a hard-nosed customer. Some of these people stick needles into my body - I never want to upset them......

Moving On....I told her it would never arrive and I gave her a fax number. Once again, I am a moron - the number I gave her (unbeknownst to me at the time) was the wrong number...so I never received the itenerary. NO PROBLEM.....I told David that according to my fantastic skills at mapping out drive and arrival times, we would have 30 minutes to figure out where we were supposed to be. What I did know for sure (thanks to Paula who called at 5:30pm on Thursday to confirm) was that I needed to be at the Radiology room at 9:30 to have a port-cath inserted at 10:00...great - I could definately manage that.

We left Friday morning at 6am......and, I am happy to report that we were able to listen to our buddy Troy on WEAI until we were about 5 miles (or so) from I70....I was so stoked about that!!! he is the best DJ......and to hear the comfort of a familiar voice is very soothing.

We arrived at 8:49 on my clock in the vehicle......so I knew we had about 10 minutes to find where I was supposed to be (okay - maybe my mapping skills were a few minutes off this day) - I knew I was supposed to be somewhere at 9am......let me see if I can adequately describe for you how the next 15 minutes of my Friday went....let me just say - they were the most eventful minutes in David's life thus far. I can say, without a doubt, he spoke not a word......

8:49 - Arrive in the parking lot, drive up the "out" and park...(every trip we learn more ways to cut corners....legal and otherwise)

8:50 - walk the "bridge" and round the corner to the reception area.

8:51 - take elevator to 7th floor - I am absolutely certain Angela will be there (my medical oncologist's nurse)

8:52 - Talk to very large lady at 7B (yes - where all cancer patients must check-in...or suffer a horrible consequence) who has obviously never burned more than 10 calories in a day - because she never gets her big butt off that chair. SORRY...I know that isn't nice. I have to admit - I wasn't thinking that about her BEFORE I talked to her......it was AFTER she actually had the energy to look at her schedule and say " your name is not on the list. Your doctor is not in today." I KNOW THAT.....I want to see his nurse, I told her. "I don't know where she is" was her response - and it was quite obvious that if finding Angela for me would require getting her big butt off that chair, I was NEVER going to find her.

8:53 - take elevator to 3rd floor and talk to ladies in reception area. They don't know where I am supposed to be. One lady asked for a copy of my clinical trial - she saw some random doctors name on the list and called his office...they were clueless. I told her he was NOT my doctor....

8:54 - go to pre-registration area for my 10:00 port cath - I am thinking maybe these people can help me out

8:55 - I tell receptionist my dilemma...I am getting a bit irritated (and a little voice says to me....tread lightly - this is the receptionist for the people who will stick a needle in my blood vessel that will remain there for 6 months) That calms me down - for about 10 seconds. Long enough to have her tell me "I don't know who Angela is." FORGET IT....I said - and exited out of that joint like a firecracker.

8:56 - David, as he has been for the last 7 minutes, is carrying my jacket, my bag, my purse, my calendar, his coat, and some magazines - and he is following me like a faithful servant would...."good boy, daddy". That is exactly what Sophie would say to him at this point.

8:57- Back to receptionist - new lady - older with glasses, obviously more compassionate.....she takes my name. Given my 8:53 experience, I am not sticking around....and I order David to follow me again to the elevators to ascend to the 7th floor....I am going to break all the rules and go directly to 7A....I'll show them.

8:58 - Ask the nice lady with blonde hair....if Angela was there. She replied yes....and at that very moment Angela was walking out behind me....I swung around threw my arms up and yelled, "ANGELA!!!!!!" Seriously - everyone on the 7th floor heard me. This is a waiting area for patients receiving chemo and I have just caused at least three of them to wet themselves. No one says a word - confirmation, I am sure, that they have all had a similar experience. Or, maybe it was the horns that had slowly begun to grow out of my head......folks, I am a woman who likes to be in control - and I have just experienced the worst 9 minutes of my life. Would you believe that I was literally standing about 5 feet from where I was supposed to be at 9am? Of course you would - you guys know who I have put in control of this.

So the day began. I had blood drawn at 9am - best blood-draw of my life, thus far. NO KIDDING. This girl was good - I watched the whole thing and didn't even feel the prick. (I could totally say more on that.....but, uh, this is a PG site....and I was SO not in the mood for funny at that time.) After the blood draw I had to leave the 7th floor and go back to the 3rd floor (all in the Center for Advanced Medicine) to have an EKG and a chest x-ray. It was about 9:25.....and I know they want me at the port place at 9:30. I got there at 10:30 (Took them 65 minutes to do a 30 second chect x-ray and 10 second EKG). The Port department got me in at 11:30.....made me lay on a gurnee and wait until 12:30 and they finally started to do the port thing at about 12:45......So, while they are standing there inserting a tube into my neck to go down by my heart for administering the chemo, I indicate that I am supposed to be in nuclear medicine having my heart looked at - at NOON.....and then I am supposed to be at West County (30 minutes away by car) to see Dr. Brant at 2:00. One of the nurses kindly leaves the operating room to call both areas - they cancel my appt with Dr Brant and tell nuclear med I will be there when I get there.

I should have been relieved...I was - knowing we would be home before midnight....and I was also very, very upset. Dr. Brant was the doctor who was to release me from my driving restrictions and start me on some arm stretches......and I was told that all restrictions remained until I spoke with him....let me just say - I am driving, and I will call his office first thing tomorrow morning - I can handle the "no lifting" for another two weeks - but "no driving?"....that is plum ridiculous....

I end up leaving the hospital at 4pm.....and it ended up being a 13 hour day for David and I.....and I felt so bad for him - 13 hours sitting on those freakin hospital chairs......David looked at me on the way home and said, "That damn cancer gave me a back ache today." We looked at each other and cracked up.....he is a trooper - but no way he is going to let cancer keep him from giving me a hard time. He knows when I can take it and when I can't - if he had said that at 8:58 in the morning, I would have had the biggest meltdown he had ever experienced...Good call, daddy.....good call.

Back to the port-cath. I had PA Taylor, or Mike, Robin, and Maggie. Great team - but I want to talk about Mike. This is the guy that was putting the port in. For this particular procedure, which took about 1 hour and 15 minutes, I was awake. They used some local anesthesia to numb me up real good.....and covered my face - but I was awake.....and thought maybe I should take this opportunity to be really nice....remember - these people are INSIDE my blood vessels....I really don't want to tick them off. I asked him how many of these procedures he did....and last year alone he did 350 - YIPPEE!!! I was totally stoked to hear that.....and I complimented him, followed up with a comment about how I wasn't worried anyway because his hands were in God's hands - and I had put my life In God's control. (it was quiet for a second - but not at all in an uncomfortable way.)

I was so relieved when he responded.....we had a laugh about baldies which I will share in another post - and he simply told me to never be ashamed of this cancer. It was given to me and I had to deal with it - but I didn't have to be ashamed or try to please anyone....just be strong. Okay - I decided to listen to him. THANKS, PA Mike. I really like you!!

Needless to say, there will be no more attempts to consolidate doctor's appointments - we will simply make multiple trips. I figure it is a small price to pay....and who am I to complain? I have put God in control - so let Him be in control, and be greatful for all that He does for me......and know that whatever circumstance or issue I am dealing with , with respect to the cancer - or anything else in my life.....well......He is in control - what else is there to say?

Friday was a good day - and Monday? Monday is going to be even better. I am feeling great, looking forward to losing my hair.....and realizing that the best medicine is to surround yourself with things you love (because God knows that even I could not find humor on Friday......but I could find Him) - so, I have a photo of Nelsie and Gracie at Austin's game, mommy and Austin at Homecoming, Gracie doing her cheer, and Patti at the wedding....just a few of the things I love!!!! I love you, too!!!!!

FKA "Breasts"

Thought I would give a little update....not sure I even remember everything I have written lately...so here goes.

I go back to the doctor this Friday to prepare for chemo. I will actually meet with 3 different doctors - this is by design. In order to save time and money I want to meet with my reconstructive surgeon when I have other appointments.....thus the reason for 3 doctors in one day. This Friday I will have the heart test, labs, port placement, and the first injection into my tissue expanders....what does all this mean? The heart test is to be sure my heart is healthy. Of course we know it is - but they need "medical" confirmation for it. The port is for them to draw blood and administer the chemo over the next 6 months....no needles in the arm!! I must admit that thrills me. One of my most vivid memories of my mom's experience was the bruised arm. Hers was horrible - I am sure that wouldn't happen today.....and there is no chance of it happening with a port. Finally - the injection will start to fill the expanders and give me more cleavage. Yeehaw!!

Not so sure about the cleavage thing and have been rethinking my options....although, I am happy to report I had several offers to assist in the process this past weekend. One fellow actually even gave his request for what size he would like to see - 44DD. That will never happen (I had a hard time even laughing at that - all I could think of was the extra 10 pounds that was sure to add)......AND...........I have become accustomed to taking a shower and shaving my legs without any interference.....a REAL NICE benefit of no cleavage in the area! However, at the end of the day this is a joint decision and David has indicated he would like there to be something occupying the area formerly known as "the breasts."

So with some reluctance I will drag myself to the doctor on Friday and start filling the bags...I truly can't wait to tell you all about it.......

p.s. thank you for your cards, emails, calls, thoughts, prayers, food, gifts..........they are a highlight of my days

A few more wedding photos

Blessings

The Wedding Party - they were a bunch of "hotties!"

Isabella below with her future father-in-law (according to her...and she will kill me for this!)

Uncle Donnie with Sophie

Buddy Holly sang "Peggy Sue" to everyone in the church right before the ceremony began...wow - what a great surprise!!

Daddy and two of his girls

Austin dancing with grandma - "stunning" was what she was - an absolute beauty.

Special appearance by Chip-'n Dale, Austin McCartney






Your next American Idol

I just loved this photo - Austin with Aunt Teresa and Uncle Ed.

While 2008 has been a challenge for us in many ways, I can guarantee you that the blessings outweigh the challenges.....and this weekend was evidence of that.

Frank and JoGari both showed up on Saturday, November 15th and were married in front of many family and friends. I am posting some of the photos. There are many more that can not be shown on my blog - but for a fee can definately be shown somewhere!!

Let me just say that this weekend was special....from singing to Chip 'n Dale's - Frank and JoGari had it all. And on a personal note - David and I would not have been able to do it without our dear friends, Patti and Joe. I don't mean to single them out - the reason I mention them is because I know we have many friends who would have done the same, and it is a humbling feeling. They literally took charge of the 3 girls for the entire weekend - dressing, getting their hair, and helping us transport. All of which would have fallen to David alone without assistance - I couldn't get myself ready, let alone 3 girls!!!

Two Steps Forward, and a kitchen sink

Sunday was a killer.....and my internet was down (still is). By Monday evening I thought I was going to hurl. I had a great blog - all about constipation. Yes - it was a good one...I even referred to scripture - I needed some spiritual guidance. I opened the bible...and the first thing I read was, "This too, shall pass." (Thanks, God - what a sense of humor HE has!!)

I know that if I ever write a book about my experience, I will devote an entire chapter to constipation. If you know my family, you are really getting a kick out of that one. However, yesterday was a follow-up visit to my surgical oncologist and the first visit to my medical oncologist - and I want to share what we found out....

I think I have admitted several times that I have been a bit "cocky" about this cancer. Well, yesterday was no different - and I don't mean cocky in a bad way... I would characterize it more as being confident. We had an appointment with the medical oncologist at 11:00am and a follow-up appt with the surgical oncologist at 11:15am. Since they make the appointments, I inferred that at the first appt the doctor was going to look at me and tell me that I didn't need any treatment. So, David and I walked into Dr. Michel's office - and I mentioned to him that I was supposed to meet with Dr. Margenthaler in 15 minutes....so he walked out of his office and I heard him say to his nurse, "please call Dr. Margenthaler's office and let her know that Mrs. McCartney will be an hour late for that appt." YIKES - what does he mean I will be an hour late? How long could it possibly take him to tell me I don't need any chemo.....

I LOVE DR. MICHEL!!!!!! I think I could pass the entrance exam to get into medical school after talking to him - and I don't say this to lighten the importance of what someone must know to get into med school, but to compliment Dr. Michel on his delivery and compassion. He is the benchmark. He met with David and I for 1.5 hours...and I think if we had wanted to stay longer and ask more questions - he would have stayed......I will try to relay to you as eloquently as Dr. Michel did for David and I what we have to consider.

First of all, when deciding whether or not a patient can benefit from chemotherapy, doctor's look at three criteria. They are as follows:

1. Size of the tumor = if the tumor >1.0cm, then the patient WILL benefit from chemo
2. Lymph Nodes = if the lymph nodes are + for cancer cells, then the patient will benefit
3. Triple negative = if the patient tested negative for progestorone, estrogen and Her2, then the patient will benefit from chemo

Unfortunately for me, I got 2 out of the 3. However, the 1 that I did get - is reallllllyyyyy good!!! My lymph nodes were negative. But since I have what they refer to as "triple negative disease", hormone therapy is not an option for me - only chemotherapy.

Now, my first question was - they got all of the cancer. Dr. Margenthaler even referred to me as "cancer free." I was blessed - I had STAGE I cancer. It is curable - we found it at the best time possible....the area around the tumor was clean. No sign in the lymph nodes - all of this is good. But you know how those doctors are - always doing research and this guy really knew his stuff. I felt so at ease and comfortable with him. He indicated that without any follow-up treatment, there is a 30% chance my cancer would recur within the next two years - and it would most likely be metastatic and not curable at that point (while that sounds a little like doom and gloom....it is JUST a statistic. Listen - there is no doubt where I would fall, but I am thinking maybe I should listen to this guy). With treatment, the chances of recurrence are reduced by 1/3.

We know that since I was triple negative - which means my cancer would NOT respond to any type of hormone therapy (you may have heard of Tamoxifen - it is a very common cancer drug used for hormone therapy, or Herceptin, another hormone drug.. I could take these drugs all day long and they simply would not do anything for my cancer) the only option for me is chemotherapy. The doctor explained the standard treatment which he would recommend for me. It is pretty aggressive since I am considered high risk (the triple-negative thing again). Also - I qualify for a clinical trial. A drug was just approved last month by the FDA. There are 5000 people who will take part in the study - 30 of which come from Washington University.....one of which is ME!!!!

So, Dr. Margenthaler approved me to start chemo anytime. Her only request is that it does not start until 3 weeks after surgery - which would be next Wednesday. I plan to call Dr. Michel this morning and tell him I have chosen to do the clinical trial. My chemo treatment plan will last a minimum of 4 months - 6 months if the shots are 3 weeks apart, 4 months if they are 2 weeks apart. Dr. Michel thought I could handle every 2 weeks.

Now the questions really started coming. I heard the word "Steroid" come out of his mouth - and I have to admit, for a split second I thought to myself - I said, "self, steroids means you gain weight and get fat - okay let's just take our chances with the cancer." Then I came out of that fog and realized....hey - all this means is that I will be fat AND bald.....Now I will know how fat, bald men feel all the time. (yikes - I didn't just say that......I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So, if you are fat and bald, I apologize.)

Folks - I could write a book just on yesterday's visits alone. It was a very long day - and my head was so full I didn't sleep well last night. I am actually a little anxious to get this whole thing started. The doctor referred to the trial as "throwing the kitchen sink" at the cancer. I am all for that!!! And why is this even necessary in the first place? Well, we know the lymph nodes tested negative - which is fantastic!!! However, that is only one way cancer cells escape. The other way is via the blood system - and there is simply no way to test if any got out that way. That is why there is need for follow-up treatment.

Speaking of information - I recently found out that my niece is a carrier of the BRCA gene - which means that Robin (my sister and her mom) is, as well (Robin hasn't been tested yet - but since her daughter is a carrier, she is, as well.) What does all this mean? Well, for Nelsie - she must get annual breast exams beginning immediately!!! She is aware and thank GOD there are screening tools for breast cancer. For Robin - she will need to take a few steps, as well. First of all, she should have her ovaries removed - it will virtually eliminate her chance of getting ovarian cancer and it will actually reduce her chances of getting breast cancer. If you are reading this and you have breast cancer in your family - it is something for you to consider. Talk to your doctor to see if they think you should do the testing - and then, of course, you would need to know what you would do with the information.

As you can imagine, the breast reconstruction is secondary to the chemotherapy. The dr. will be able to fill the tissue expanders during chemo, but there will be no surgery to put the implants in until after the chemop is complete. We will also have my ovaries removed at that time. Since I have breast cancer AND test positive for the BRCA gene, there is a 40-80% chance I will get ovarian cancer - and it is not curable. There are no screens available to detect ovarian cancer and Dr. Michel indicated that women who get ovarian cancer typically do not walk away from it. SO, being the frugal one I am, I decided we will get the ovaries and the implants done at the same time - you know, to take advantage of the anesthesia. That stuff is EXPENSIVE...and I can save some money by combining the two surgeries! Anything to save a buck, right?!

Sorry for the long blog.....but thank you for your prayers. Hey - maybe the next time you see me I won't have any hair......just think of the time I will save getting ready in the morning - yeah!

God Bless you!!

Humor and the Healing process

When I first read the documents from my reconstructive surgeon with the directions for "care" post-surgery, I didn't really pay THAT close attention. Why? Well, probably because I am a mother of 4, wife to 1, and someone who likes to be needed. Therefore, like every other mother out there, I knew that as soon as surgery was over I would get right back into the swing of things as soon as I (and I emphasize the word I) felt like it. (There I go again, trying to always be in control).

As you can well imagine, each visit to whatever doctor I am seeing is an opportunity for me to learn - and I ask questions. I assumed on Friday that once the tubes were out I would miraculously be able to lift my arms above my shoulders, resume my exercise routine (okay - maybe I knew I still would not be able to lift weights) and do whatever I needed to do. That thought was crushed when Carmen said, "Remember - no vaccuuming, no nothing for you." You know, I have always encouraged my children to not take everything at face value (aaaahhhh....for those of you who know Austin, it now becomes crystal clear....). It's true - don't just believe what someone says - check it out for yourself...whether it be a preacher, a politician, or a teacher. Be respectful, but don't be afraid to question. ( However, I feel as if I should explain - that rule is waived a bit at home.....MOM ALWAYS WINS is my motto. But I DO listen!) That is why I had to ask Carmen why I couldn't move my arms....

She explained the healing process to me. The tubes are out, and the tissue expanders are in. Each time I move my arm and engage any of the muscles in my chest area, it creates excess fluid. As long as there are fluids, it can not heal properly, and hence, my new ta-ta's (as Nelsie calls them) will not look as nice - and it could be painful, as well. YIKES - the word "pain" was all I needed to hear. I am already in pain, I certainly do not want to create more. Therefore, for at least 30 days I am not to engage these muscles. I challenge you - just try it for 5 minutes. Now, I feel like every tme I move I am engaging them....and my kids love it.

Last night Sophie was defying her mother and I knew she needed a swat on the butt - David was gone.....and I was really at a loss. I couldn't swat her. I thought about asking Austin to do it - but he is the big brother and I rather feared he might enjoy it a tad too much....not to mention that would be totally irresponsible of me. (and we all know I am not irresponsible.....) So I said, "Sophia Marie McCartney. Tell your sister you're sorry - or sit in time out...and I will have to spank you in 30 days. Believe me, child, I am keeping track and when the thirty days is up - I WILL deliver." The best part was the look on her face. NOTHING stops Sophie - if you tell her to go, she stops. If you say yes - she says no; if you say blue she says red. She decided to say she was sorry. I suppose the steam coming out of my ears had something to do with her response.

A few days after I was diagnosed with cancer I was talking to David about the yard sale I had planned with JoGari. I wanted to start getting the stuff out of the attic and priced - I knew it would take at least a week. He looked at me, and with as much emotion as I have ever seen he emphatically stated, "Becky, you need to get your priorities straight. I do believe there is something else you need to be focused on right now." Okay, I have to admit, even though he is the husband, he is bound to be right at least once in a while....and this was one of those times (mark it down, honey!!) - so, I became focused, but I did not and DO not want it to consume my life. I guess that is where the humor comes from.

The humor is how I know people were praying for me BEFORE any of this ever started. Why? Consider this passage - Proverbs 17:22 "A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones." I couldn't explain why I felt like I did...and do....except to say it was God - and it is. I am humbled and without words.

It seems that with each new day on this journey I learn something new - and today, of course, is no different. God Bless You......with a Merry Heart in all things.

p.s. Happy Birthday to sissy (Robin) and Teresa!!

How does anyone do it?

Many people have asked how I am doing....and then followed with "How are you doing it?"

First of all - being a member of a caring community helps. I don't think anyone could ever deny the best place to be when you are in trouble - is living in a small community. No matter what may ale you, if you are in need, people come. (our government could really learn a valuable lesson if they would follow our lead) David, myself, and the kids have had the pleasure of experiencing this over the past few weeks.

In addition to the love and compassion of family and friends, I have had the great fortune to rely on something else....or rather someone else...and I have had several questions, or inquiries, regarding my "faith." So I wanted to share with you.....how I am doing it.

There is one quote in particular that I say to myself every day......every single day...Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Actually, I say "I can do all things through Christ Jesus Who strengthens me." Folks, it is no secret that I am a WIMP...I can not take pain and heaven knows I am not a patient person...although God has taught me a lot about both those items in the past few weeks...not physical pain, actually - but the emotional pain my family has had to endure. To me, that pain is far worse than anything I have had to go through. I have had to remind myself many times that the bible didn't say I could do "some" things.....or "the things I choose". It says I can do ALL things.....and that is how I am dealing with the cancer.

So I guess that is my answer. A small, caring, loving community of friends and family, and the Word of God.

Phillipians 4:13

Our Weird Tubular Moment

Okay, I guess all it takes to stop having those "I miss my kids" moments....is 15 minutes of three girls releasing their hormones all at once. They got home last night and you would have thought that asking them to take a shower was like asking them to stop eating french fries for the rest of their lives....so glad that job falls to David right now!!

So, we got up this morning in preparation for my first follow-up appointment with the reconstructive surgeon. We arrived about 50 minutes early (I have always been habitually early....something about a husband and 4 kids has turned me into someone who isn't always ....on time...). We were called in at 12:45 for a 1:00 appointment - yippee!! What is even better is that we were back in our vehicle by 1:05 - but I gotta tell you about this experience...it was well, it was weird.

Carmen, Dr. Brant's nurse, called us back to the room. The first thing she asked for was the drainage records. Maybe I should explain. The day of my surgery, after Dr. Margenthaler was finished removing the breasts, Dr. Brant started the reconstructive process. Part of that process involved putting tissue expanders in behind the muscle of each breast. He also inserted tubes in the breasts via a hole under each armpit so the fluids would drain into small cups attached to the constrictive bra they put on me. David had to empty those cups for me and keep a record of how much fluid came out each time.....

So, after asking for the records, the next thing she says is (in a heavy mexican accent...or, well, I know it wasn't a pike county accent, that is for sure), "Vell, just so you know, de last two patients I did this to today, dare husbands passed out. So, if you-a-goinna pass out, please-a don't-a look. I can't-a be pullin her tubes and-a helping you, too."

Now, I wasn't freakin out or anything - because I don't really have any feeling in my breast. But I feared for David. So, when I asked him to close his eyes he was like, "NO WAY!! I am going to watch every minute of this". So....okay.... Carmen told me that it would not hurt, but it would feel...weird. Then she began to pull on the tube under my right arm. And it really felt weird - as if a snake was crawling out of my body. I could feel it, but it didn't hurt. She pulled that sucker out and it was more than 12 inches of tube. Of course, David says, "whoa, that is funky. How does that feel, honey? You have got to be feeling weird." NO KIDDING was what I was thinking....then she went to the left boob.....and started pulling. I never thought she would stop - that silly tube was about 18 inches long. I wanted to jump on the scales immediately and weigh myself - I was certain I had lost at least 2 pounds (isn't that soooo the kind of reaction a woman would have? Okay - maybe not all women. But you just HAD to see those tubes!!!)

So, the tubes are out and my next appt with Dr Brant is in 2 weeks when we will start putting fluid into the tissue expanders. The great part about this is that I get to choose the size of my new boobs (I can no longer call them hooters - Austin has put the old ix-nay on that phrase. He said something about that being 'just not right, mom'). David has asked that I gather women who have had this operation and he can look at samples to see what he thinks mine should look like.....yeah - he is SOOOOOOO funny.

Thanks for the prayers!!! I just don't see how anything about this process could have been any better...period. AND - the best part is that I know why.

What am I missing?

I really miss my kids. I can tell you, without a doubt, the hardest part of dealing with cancer, is not getting to be with my babies. I knew the first several weeks after surgery would be a little rough around the edges.....honestly, I can take the physical pain, but I am learning that the emotional strain is a bit tougher to manage.

However, each day the pain is less and I feel better than the day before. Rest does a body wonders....tomorrow I go see Dr. Brant and he will hopefully remove the tubes and the reconstructive process will be in full gear.

And....I look forward to the time of day when the kids come home. Bella comes in every night and rubs my arm and asks me if I am okay. Sophie, quite eloquently adds, "Are she's boobies feel better?". And then there is Gracie, she runs to the bedroom to get Goomer. Goomer is the stuffed bear that David gave me when I woke up from surgery. (He was going to name it "Tumor" but thought that was totally not cool....yes, I tend to agree with that.) Anyway, Gracie gets Goomer out of her bed, and puts him in bed with me - until it is time for her to go to bed again.....and an argument begins.....Bella vs. Gracie - who gets to put their arm around the bear? Yes, I love this time of day the most. I can't wait to get back to our regular routine....where mommy rubs everybody's tummy, and sings "Jesus Loves Me" with Sophie.

And then there is Austin. He is SOOOOO like I was at that age - wanting to be involved in everything, and exploring all of his options. I am so proud of him...but as a result of his desire to get out and explore, I really do not see much of him, anyway - but he has never missed a day of kissing his mommy good-nite. I hope that never changes.

Until all is normal again, I will simply wake up each day thanking God for the advances made in breast cancer research, praising Him for the pain that is making me better, and asking Him to bless your day.

The Doctor Called

Honestly, you won't be surprised by what I learned this evening....I know I wasn't. The phone rang and David had just walked in (the phone rings a lot....but when I am in bed I don't get it) and he answered it. I heard him walking towards the bedroom and telling whomever was on the line that he thought it was a telemarketer and he wouldn't wake his wife up for that. And then he laughed - so I knew he wanted me to talk to this person.

It was Dr. Margenthaler. She is the one who removed both of my breasts. She indicated that she had the pathology report and wanted to go over it with me. In a nutshell, there was no cancer in the right breast, which we had assumed. The right breast was removed because of the history in my family and the fact that I tested positive for the BRCA gene. Then she went on to say that the cancerous tumor was 1.5cm in size and was contained in the left breast - there was no sign of cancer in the lymph nodes. What was of particular interest to me was when she said the following, "Becky, this is the best possible news you could have hoped for. Based on this information we know you will not need radiation therapy. You will need to meet with the medical oncologist to determine the need for chemotherapy."

Listen - I know WHY it was the best possible report I could receive......if there was ever a doubt that prayer works, I would hope this puts it to rest!!

So, this particular news makes this day......better than others!!!!!!

A Good Day

A very wise man and dear friend once told me that every day is a good day - it's just that some are better than others. Today is a good day. And I am praying that tomorrow is one of those that is better than the others.

I am NOT complaining. I consider it a good sign if I can feel the pain - it means something in there is working, right?? I find myself wishing my life away....can't wait until the next appointment, can't wait to not feel the pain....well, I really can wait. I figure this is minimal compared to what other men and women have had to endure, I know it is minimal compared to what my mom had to endure...so who am I to complain?

Thank you so much for the cards, food, prayers, assistance with our kids, and everything else. For those of you who know David, you understand that he is somewhat reserved. He is a very kind man with a generous and loving heart.....but for the most part would not be outwardly emotional. Wow has he changed!!! And I love it!!! The best part.....prayers. David and I were talking with a friend this evening and he told her that he is humbled by all of the people who have called or stopped by just to let him know they are praying. We both are, but to see how this has effected him is beautiful to me.

I recently read an article which talked about women with breast cancer. Specifically, the article stated that 80% of the women polled indicated that their life was better AFTER the cancer than before. I understand that now. I haven't been declared cancer-free yet...but I know that I am.

Today is a good day. I hope you had one, too.

A Day in the Life

First of all....THANK you for your prayers. I feel them, and it is such a great feeling!!! I was released from the hospital Friday, late morning and have comfortably settled into my bed. I thought I would share with you a little of what went on since last Wednesday morning.....

David and I started the day by taking the kids to school. Let me back-up a second. Before we took the kids to school I found Austin's IPOD under the chaise in our bedroom. (We thought that was a great sign.) We took the Illinois side and had minimal traffic. picked up Robin and Nelsie at the airport and proceeded to the hospital. From the moment we arrived I felt very much at peace - I was so thankful that David would have someone there to wait with him.
I was called back at 11:30 to be prepped for surgery. After they prepped me for surgery, David, Robin, and Nelsie each got to come back and wait with me for awhile. Even though we knew I would be just fine, David became emotional. It was difficult for him to deal with something like this (btw....thanks for your prayers). But he put on a big smile and said, "see ya later. I love you."
Keep in mind, surgery was supposed to start at 1:00 and last 4 hours. Unfortunately it did not start until 2:30....so everyone had to wait on me...and I really felt bad about that....but the last thing I remember prior to the surgery...is David smiling at me when he left the prep area....

And the next thing I knew I was waking up. Let me just say it now - this cancer thing is not all it was cracked up to be. WOW is it painful, or what? I asked the nurse if they gave me any drugs. I don't remember what she said, but I kept thinking that this is a small price to pay to be cancer-free. And I wanted David...I asked them to please hurry so I could see him.....and then there he was......and I cried. I think I cried most of the night Wednesday. They were good tears, the refreshing kind that you actually want to share. David stayed in the room with me until midnight and then went to the Parkway Hotel that is connected to get a good night's rest. He couldn't hold me, but he touched my arm and hand all night....I needed that calming touch.
Because at 6am the cavalry began to appear. The first doctor I will call "McDreamy" I don't even watch Grey's anatomy....but this guy puts all others to shame. And do you know what the first thing he said to me was? "Hello, I'm dr. so-n-so, could I look at your incisions?" What am I gonna say to that? I said sure. However, I was thinking to myself - what in the world????He must know that the breasts are gone.. Oh well, I didn't think much of it until 8 more filed in (not all at the same time) and subsequently asked if they could look at the incisions. I know they were looking for signs of infection or the breast tissue dying, but it certainly took me down a notch or two.
I am doing great, I think. In my opinion the pain I am feeling is normal. I have terrible pains in the chest area - the nurse actually told me that if I was bigger it wouldn't hurt as bad, but since I work out and have some defined muscles, it is more painful. GREAT - why didn't I know this 5 months ago????? And the other great thing I am learning about is gas. Every one of those doctors asked me if I was able to get up and walk AND if I had gas. I wanted to say NO - don't they know that women don't do that.....geez, what a thing to ask a lady. I responded appropriately. Dr. Ross proceeded to tell me that during surgery your intestines "shut down". The longer you are under, the longer it takes for the intestines to kick back into gear. Needless to say, constipation is a word which has been added to my vocabulary. I am eating a bit - apples and oatmeal. I am thinking if this can't do the breakthrough, what can!!

Next Friday I have to go back to see Dr. Brandt (the reconstructive surgeon). I hope he will remove the tubes at that time. Then I will be going to see him weekly until we think the breasts are the size I want them to be. I can explain more about that later.....

In the meantime, I won't be doing much of anything - I can't read a book because my eyes cannot focus. Typing this blog has been a challenge today - but I thought I would share a little..... and say thank you....

Recovery

I (Nelsie) am heading back to Baltimore tomorrow so I thought I would post one more time before I depart.  

Becky came home yesterday afternoon and is getting used to her medicines and routine.  The kids have been amazing with her and very respectful of her need to rest and get better.  They do miss their mommy though.  The good thing is that they can just go into her bedroom and give her lovins whenever they feel the urge.

Beck looks  alot better after sleeping all day today and I hope within the next few days she will be up to logging into her blog and updating it herself.

Thanks again for all your prayers.