The comment Box, Please.......

I received an email today about a whale that was caught off the coast of SanFrancisco..close to the Golden Gate Bridge. This whale had become entangled in a web of spider traps, ropes, and other difficult things to maneuver. A fisherman spotted the whale and called for help - it became clear quite quickly that the only way to save the whale was to dive right in and cut it free....a dangerous proposition for those willing to dive in - because one flop of the tail could be fatal to a human. But, true to the spirit of giving to others - they dove in and saved her. Afterwards, she swam around them in a joyous circle - gently nudging each of them as if to say "Thank you." And, she never took her eye off the fellow who cut her mouth free - an eery, and beautfiful feeling, I am quite sure!!



I read the email more than once, sent by mom Castle. And it gave me pause. Of course, I looked at it as a parable of sorts - Jesus always told stories to get a message across, and maybe this was a story to get a message across to me, as well (a true story , by the way - they had the photographs!!!)



I have spent the last several days/weeks/months becoming tangled sometimes in a web of self-obsession. Seriously - at first I was obsessed with ANYTHIGN I could read about breast cancer (which gave me nearly fatal brain overload), then I was obsessed about my weight and having to take steroids (ok - still obsessing there....but I am GETTING it...OK), I was very obsessesed, inwardly, about the spiritual well-being of my kids through all this (that was not necessary - has truly become a non-event in their lives). There have been other obsessions - David is obsessed with making sure the kids do NOT see my breast scars. I asked him how he is going to explain that to the many volunteers who are WANTING to help with that situation - he had no response. I think he thought I was kidding. Oh well - we'll deal with that when the time comes.



My latest obsession has been dreading the chemo trip. Yesterday was #3 - ONLY 13 to go YIPPEE!!!!! I am thrilled. So, I was supposed to spend the day with Beth - and PLEASE PRAY FOR BETH AND HER FAMILY. Her father recently passed away and now her mother is facing multiple surgeries due to a terrible fall on the ice. Needless to say - Beth needed to be with her mom - and I know I will get some private time with her and the girls soon........I gotta tell you, though, I felt the wires gripping tight when I heard the news of her mom - I knew she would be unavailable and although I had planned to bring comfort to her during the day - I knew she would make me laugh - probably all day!! (selfish on my part - good friends are such a jewel).



So what did God do for me? He sent Hillary. that is my dear, dear friend Jill. David gets the biggest kick out of her - he told me he thought it would be an interesting day for me. He had absolutely no idea.



First of all, we had to drop Nelsie off at the airport to go back to Baltimore. That is always a tough time for us - we usually have Kenny take her so we don't have the dreaded good-bye. What I would not give to get her back to Illinois.....she is a single, 31 year-old, beautiful girl inside and out (maybe a little high maintenance - but for heavens sake she has been on her own since she was 18 - I think she's entitled to that...and I digress...we'll save the "Nelsie info-mercial" for another blog. I'll probably get 1000 hits on that one!!!)



Second, the girls chatted so much the whole way down there that I never got an opportunity to text my friend Troy at 107.1 - we text EVERY other Tuesday on the way to chemo and he plays my songs and David and I get a real high out of that!!! It is literally the highlight of the day for us. I will make up for that at the next trip!!! And what were we talking about? Saving the world, of course...



So Jill and I finally get to the Hospital. I tried to get her to park like David (he pulls illegally up the left lane of level 4 - there are always a TON of spots there). Jill refused to do anything illegal. Wow - I knew I was going to have to break her in.



Where do I begin? We got right in for the blood draw, the boob-pump, the doctor visit, and then the chemo began....Finally - I was so hoping they would get me in early - I AM ALWAYS there early..but it never matters. I have learned - chemo is on time...or a little late. They average 150 patients each day - and on Monday they had 182 - YIKES!!!



Jill was such a trooper through the whole day. It was interesting to get her feedback. While we were waiting in the lobby she was overwhelmed by the number of young people there. (I think she meant people our age). Yeah - you don't think anyone has cancer until you go to this waiting room.....and then you realize it is a real thing for a lot of people - a lot of people who may be dealing with spider nets and ropes tied around their hearts and their bodies...I don't like that thought. I am so glad that I say "Merry Christmas" to everyone I see.....



We finally got back to POD 3 - I will always be in POD 3. I had a "tumor" cancer and this is where they take care of us - not to mention I am part of a clinical trial and they take of us there, too. There are other chemo areas - they have an area for liquid cancers (leukemia, etc - cancers of the blood), and finally for blood marrow cancers. All of these cancers are treated very differently - which is why they put them in different areas.



How do I know all this stuff? Her name is RENEE - and we love her. I actually look forward to seeing her when I go - and pray that she doesn't take Tuesdays off!!! I am not sure what I would do if I go next time and she isn't there - she makes chemo FUN....seriously - she does. When we walked back to the room she asked if there was anything we needed. Jill bent down and whispered in her ear , "Yeah, could you tell me where the Bloody Mary bar is?" Renee calmly replied that drinks would be served at 3pm but until that time she was on her own - I KNEW we were all going to hit it off! Let me add - that Jill was ssaying stuff like this to me all day. There are times when she talks that I bend over laughing and she says, "Oh my gosh are you ok - shoudl you be laughing that hard?" I promised her that I would not tell everything....you have no idea how hard that is for me - she is a real comedian.



At least that is what I thought ( I would be up and having a rip-roaring time) . Renee started my pre-meds and I fell asleep - I slept the ENTIRE time...I have never done that. I will definately try it again in two weeks, because I think it helped. At least, they told me it did. And today - well, today has been the very best "next day" I have had to date!!!!



So what about people diving in to help a whale in trouble. That is what nurse Renee is. You know - she loves her job. She mentioned that she even cries sometimes when she goes home - but she knows that what they are doing is a GREAT thing. She shared a story about a very young gal who was there and on her death bed.......today - that girl is married and has two kids. A miracle, no doubt - the result of many people diving in to cut the wires. And it is nice to meet people who live and breathe it all day long. Renee - well - she not only gives to all of us, but she gives to all she knows. She is in the process of cutting those wires for a dear friend - who needs a place to live. I am very much abbreviating this story - but I want you to get the jist. These nurses are special. So special that I don't even know her title - I just know her name....which is WAY more important to me!!!



SO - thank you, Renee, for being one of the many people who have jumped in to cut my wires and save my life - I hope that I can swim around you in joyous circles and leave you with many blessings.........God Bless You.



And the comment box? Well, Jill decided that since there were no Bloody Mary Bars for the "supporters and friends" she would simply make a few suggestions....we just couldn't find the comment box!!!! (Jill - I heard you loud and clear - thank you for making my day a bit brighter....I will find that comment box, dear!)

I'm Tired

I don't mean to complain or anything.......but I am REALLY ready for this whole cancer thing to be....over. I think someone forgot to tell me that when the chemo started....it would actually be a REAL thing - and it would last for....well, about 5 months. I don't care about the hair loss, or the weight gain (ok - maybe I am lying about that one), or the nausea, or the stares - I'm just ready for normalcy.

That is SOOOOOOOOOO funny. Actually, maybe cancer and chemo is preparing me for three girls to be teenagers simultaneously. I can't confirm this - but I am guessing that anyone with three teenage daughters might take...at least a double take...when given the option. Ok, that is not funny - but maybe an indication of the hormones we have in our house.....and Christmas - all I can say is Thank God for Christmas.

Honestly, I ask myself....how in the world can I complain about anything - when compared to Mary? She road on a smelley donkey while at the very last stages of pregnancy (and was, I am quite sure, thankful for the ride). She went into labor and instead of having a nice, warm bed to lie in (drugs for the pain) - she was given a stable....to share with animals. I am getting a bit queezy just thinking of the smell she would have had to endure - and I thought chemo was bad. Seriously - I have drugs to help me through this. And I bet Mary would say - she had Joseph, and God........I guess that is something I have in common with her - God. Thank God....because in case you haven't guessed....I am going a bit stir-crazy.

I am so thankful that Mary rode on that donkey and gave birth in a stable so that I could have eternal life - and not walk alone....ever. My next chemo treatment is Tuesday. I really just want it to come and go - and for my life to be normal through this. You know - no more nausea....or steroid tummy. What do I mean by that?

Well, Austin made a keen observation the other day - he informed me that my stomach was sticking out. The horns popped out of my head and I informed him that it was the steroids....and that telling his mother her stomach was big....in any manner....was so uncool. Truly, for a moment I thought about taking him down - then I remembered the last time I tried that. It didn't work - I cried "mercy" and he let me go....oh well....I did inform him, however, that I had other means of torture (removal of phone, etc).

Enough of that - I am rambling. Just sitting here, a bit humbled by the Grace of God and thinking of you. And praying.

Clearly - having lost my hair has also caused me to take temporary leave of my senses....all of them....but I am speaking, in particular, regarding the sense of reason. The doctor said these drugs could cause "loopiness" and "temporary memory loss." Folks - I am here to tell ya'.....I think Doc knew what he was talking about.

SO it is December 23rd (Gracie and David and Mary's birthdays!!) and I have tried THREE times to go shopping with Jill to finish up a few "last minute" details. The last two times we were side-swiped by illness (me) and weather. Today was to be the day.....and I was bound and determined to go. And it wasn't about needing anything - I definately did not HAVE to have anything else.....I just wanted to see Jill - give her a gift....and let her see my baldness!!! I knew she would give me the "real deal."

When I woke up today I had predetermined to go - no matter how I felt. Quite an ignorant act on my part....because I really wanted to lie in bed again - all day. But NNNOOOOOO (temporary loss of reason). I took a shower (which, by the way, lasts 10 minutes less than it used to due to the no hair factor!), got dressed, put on make-up.....and went for the wig. NOT!! I thought - if I am going shopping this morning, I am going to be comfortable - so I grabbed a new hat that came in the mail yesterday - it is so......chic!! I guess you would say it is so NOT me!!! But I love it and I put it on with a scarf and away I went.

Jill and I started at Best Buy. She dropped me off at the door and parked the utility vehicle. For the common shopper viewing us from afar, we were clearly the brabie doll with her sick sister. (David told me that is why he hates the turbans.....they SCREAM - 'I HAVE CANCER') I entered Best Buy and in addition to my hat, gloves, and all of my gear, I put on the mask - and I could not believe the stares. They didn't bother me at all - I actually got a real laugh when I noticed the manager was following me. After about 5 minutes he approached and asked if there was something he could do for me. I said....nope....I am just standing here - admiring your merchandise while my girlfriend is looking. He said okay and walked away...later I thought to myself - did that guy think I was strying to steal? OMG!!! Who else thinks I am a thief in disguise? While the stares didn't bother me - that thought did.....here I was - stuck - I had to wear the mask.....every person I ran into was coughing, hacking, and blowing their nose - I had no choice. I had no choice but to look like what some might refer to as a "freak" or a "sick person." Seriously - people stare....and then walk as far away from me as they can. I think they thought it might be contagious. I should have told them - it is just chemo. I am cancer free - but I can show you how to vomit.........(sorry...)

So the day ended early due to inclement weather and I headed back to Pittsfield. (had to call the oncologic Nurse and get an antibiotic - chemo in the winter is so NOT cool) I needed to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things - like everyone else. And all I could think of was - I need to get in here and get out because I don't really want to have to wear the mask....so I didn't (shame in me). As I was entering the building a very nice older and attractive gentleman commented on the weather - and I commented back...and I wished him a Merry Christmas.....and then I ran in to him at the oranges, the bakery, the bacon, the cream of chicken soup.....and finally - ran smack dab into him at the milk....and he stopped and said, "Mam, if you don't mind my saying- I just wanted to let you know you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." I was speechless - but said to him, "Thank you, sir -you just made my day. Merry Christmas again." And away he went - and I didn't see him again.

So I was left thinking to myself....that all day people could see my eyes....what did I say to them? And I had the nicest thought....those people didn't think I was doing something wrong - they knew something was different and they just wanted to help......and they wanted to see the look in my eyes when they offered assistance. A lesson 7B could take to heart...

Maybe it is the spirit of the Christmas season. I say - it is the spirit we have all the time, we just sometimes put it in a box and wrap it with a bow and don't use it - until someone unwraps it for us. My prayer is that you unwrap the gift in your heart this Christmas season....and allow God t oshare with you what is really going on behind those eyes.

God Bless you - and may you feel His presence as we celebrate the greatest gift any of us could ever have hoped for.

December 17th - Hair today, gone tomorrow

One of the things my doctor recommended was daily bathing - In order to keep germs and bacteria at a minimum, and reduce the chance of infection, etc. SO, I have a ritual - get up, take a shower, get ready....blah....blah....blah

Today, I got up - washed my hair, and as I was pulling my hand away and looked down - I feared I had enteres a twilight zone of another place.....I looked like an APE!!! There was hair everywhere. Needless to say, I had pulled out half of my head. I have said in the past that as soon as my hair started to show signs of falling out, I would shave my head. My motivation for that comment was the memories I have of my mommy's hair falling out - i remember it....and I do not like that memory. But today I thought....naaawwww....I will see how much I have and maybe I can fix it another day. (It must have been the loopy drugs talking)

So I got out of the shower, let my hair dry naturally for a few mintes while I talked to Jill, and then returned to the bathroom. I was thinking - short hair, short "do" - this is no problem. As I rounded the door and peaked at myself in the mirror, I nearly gagged at the site. Seriously - it was HYSTERICAL!!! Do you know those men (sorry men - you again) who have half a head of hair and instead of cutting it to look right, they let one side grow REALLY long and flip it over to the other side? Do you know what I am talking about - THAT IS WHO I WAS LOOKING AT IN THE MIRROR!!!! I nearly took a photo. No - that is not true. I actually went to get the camera - I couldn't let this one pass.....but I couldn't find that silly little fella and I was a bit ticked.

At any rate, I feared that if I left my hair looking like that it would scare my kids to death if they saw it. Not to mention I was shedding everywhere - I could not get out of the bathroom - every time I touched my head, a bundle of hair came out. So, I decided - this is it.....and I shaved it. Well - not really - I used David's clippers. I didn't feel the need to shave because in the next day or two the rest of the stubble will fall out. And you know what - this is GREAT!! Or, it would be if it were summertime - I don't know how bald poeple do it. Even with my wig on, my head is cold when I go outside....

So David, Gracie and I were in the office this evening waiting on them to go to the Christmas program at the Crossroads (I can not attend...way too close of quarters with too many people - my doctor said....no...and I can not believe I am listening to that...but daddy has the video camera!!!) Back to the office........Gracie laid her cookie on my desk that Ms. Stacy gave her for Christmas and then went to sit on her dad's lap. I yelled in to her - "Gracie, is this cookie for me?" And she said, "yes." Her dad then told her that he thought it was for him....and she told him, "Mom is BALD so she gets the cookie!!!"

It is like I said - this cancer thing is really paying off!!!! Have a great day - and God Bless!!!

Don't rain on my parade

Okay - I know this has happened in your house.....especially if you, the wife, have EVER tried to lose weight.......Last April David and I set out on an a mission to get healthy - for real - exercise, eat right, and drop the ridiculous weight we had gathered over the early part of 2008. (I really wish I had not wished this year away...but when it started with me getting mono, diagonosed on January 15th and put on those beloved steroids)....I knew it was going to be a long year.....wow, little did I know that God had something much greater in store for me - a year full of blessings that would/will take me the rest of my life to take in.



Okay - so back to the weight loss thing. It has always been a tradition in my house.....I get up, go pee, take off ALL my clothes (you know - every ounce counts) and I weigh myself. This was particularly difficult for a few months this summer because David and I were going to the hospital to be weighed by nurses - I thought it would be entirely inappropriate for HIM to get undressed!!! SO, we changed that routine to fit the current tide.



Finally.....in the mornings I would declare "HONEY......I lost three pounds this week!!!!" And I would be so excited - knowing it was real weight loss...not just water. And, each and every time I could count on David responding, "Great, Honey, now let me go take a $#!* (beep was required here) and I will lose FIVE pounds." NICE, David - real nice....thanks for the encouragement- I hope you go to the bathroom and it never comes out!!!! And when it does....DO NOT yell at me to come look at it - I do not care if it is the mother of all loads!!!

Seriously - if this doesn't happen at your house, then I guess - well, maybe you aren't normal.....because my brother was the same wway....can't say, however, that I EVER heard my daddy say that to my mommy - although I am quite certain he did!!! (and I have several cousins I could name by NAME....but I won't...they might come hurt me!!!)


Thus began our trek to Siteman yesterday for Chemo #2. I started the day with the blood draw. David decided to watch - he had not seen them access the port and I thought he might find it cool. So, they got it prepared and she came in for the STICK......and david says,, "WHOA....honey, did that hurt?" And my response was - it freakin hurt...yes, it hurts. TO which he replied, "Damn, that looked like it hurt." You know - he loves me - he really loves me - he has a way with words, yeah.......I think he has become numb to part of this, which is expectable......but I laughed....no, kidding.......

And on to see 7B - she was there today. Do you know what I did? I gave her my name - with a smile.....and I said to her - Merry Christmas. I hope you can make the difference in the life of someone else today. And do you know what she said???? Nothing - but she smiled. I considered that a triumph. Maybe she never gets any encouragement anywhere else. Believe me - this was God talking. All I really wanted to do was reach across the desk and wring her neck...but what would that have accomplished? (okay - some short term gratification for me that would have turned into ridiculous guilt which would have made me end up blaming MYSELF for her problems.....yeah - being nice was definately the only alternative and a lot less work!!)

I was taken by a nurse coordinator for the blood pressure and the "weigh-in" (finally - the point of this blog)....AND........I lost 2.5 pounds since my last visit, Well - NO KIDDING!!! If you have to cut out the sugar.....believe me, it would come off - I would have lost 7 pounds, but decided to do Chinese and Mexican over the past week - the Mexican was actually OK....But mama will have no-no Chinese for a very long time!!!! And, I am sure part of it is still the muscle I am losing....but it gets better. David - like every man - hovers over the weight reading.....you know - he wants to see how I am doing (sure!) Do you know what he said? I commented, "Honey - I lost 2.5 pounds since the last visit?" "What?", he replied. "I thought you weighed XXX" YES, David - I weigh XXX at home - but they weigh me HERE on a $10,000 scale every two weeks - so this is a more accurate reading of where I really freakin am." And then...the moment came, "Well, honey - I cold go to the bathroom..." STOP STOP STOP.......yes - I made him zip it and we were off to see Dr. Michel!!! How DARE he try to rain on what might be my only parade of the day!!

The best part of the day - talking to the doctor with my consistent list of questions. As I described my first chemo, he jumped up and brought two nurses in. His comment was ," We do this all the time - hundreds of times each week and your reaction is not normal - there is something else going on here." Of course, I was not alarmed because I KNEW there was something wrong - and it was called....not enough drugs when they gave the first chemo. SOOOOOOOOOOO we changed the scrip and were off to Dr. Brandt.

Now - the "boob filling" is an appt that last all of 5-6 minutes. I walk in the room, take off my clothes and the dr comes in to see how I did the past two weeks - and I told him to "continue to fill the girls up - they still look flat to me." So...he did. And I am happy to report I have a bump - it is probably like a bra size AA or AAA. I am hoping to move up to a solid A by the next visit. And, girls -- the best part is these suckers are HARD!! No jiggling here - no hitting me in the chin when I run, or getting in the way of shaving....or other things - this . Well....I will admit that as time goes on - this is SOOOO going to be worth it!!!!! (p.s To Mr. Danny - you know who you are!!!! There will definately NOT be 44 DD's!!!)

And now - back up to the chemo room (so sorry for the long email - it was just such an eventful day)...We checked in, got our parking ticket stamped (remember - it is FREE when you are getting chemo...$15 saved this week....yee-haaa!) David and I walked around the corner and there she was - Renee - a familiar face. She is my chemo nurse - and WOW...do I really like her. I gotto pick my seat and we got started. Oh - I did find out that I will always be in pod #3 because I am part of a "study".

Renee disccussed with me the new drugs they would be giving me pre and post chemo - a little "boost" if you will to make sure I made it home without getting sick!!! She decided the best way would be to give it to me quickly - she said...it will be like getting a six-pack in your veins in a matter of 10 seconds. You won't be sick - but you will be loopy, dear. I am NOT KIDDING when I tell you while she was STILL filling my veins.....I felt like I had just had about......25 beers - the best part was there was no vomitting involved (bad memories there...you all have them). the next thing I know I am waking up and David is sitting there - I TOTALLY passed out!!!! That was a great nap!!

What a gift. In anticipation of my trip, God gave me such a special gift yesterday - the appointments went wonderfully - the people were so kind "note to self: remember to ALWAYS say Merry Christmas to the people you see - especially considering the beautiful impact it had when you said it 100 times at a jewish hospital) The gift I am referring to is NOT the flawless day (we had the great weather to contend with and absolutely HORRIBLE STL drivers....Thank God He carried us through that traffic - I thought David would go into road rage at any moment.)......now....what were those gifts???



Angela Gambino - a nurse with hardly any family - her mother, a niece and a nephew. So, she gives me a beautful pink scarf and in our conversation I learn that this wonderful nurse adopts a family during the holidays - it was everything I could do to not cry....I am so proud of her.



Renee - My chemo nurse.....This woman works countless hours every day - at least 12 - doing something she obviously loves and she is SO GOOD at it!!!! In the midst of her own life, she shares that she has a friend she is moving into her basement - because this friend is dying and comes from the worst past home life you could imagine....but Renee has opened her heart and her home - and given this woman a ray of hope for the rest of her life.....wow. When I asked for the friend's name so I could put it on a prayer list - she was touched (not by me....but by the Word of God). Her friend's name is Audrey.

The wig woman - she was sitting next to me....and I am ashamed that I never got her name (okay - not true.....I got her name. But remember - this was during the SEVERE loopyiness and I have not a clue what she said her name was) - I never even told her about me because I wanted to know about her...so glad I did. She told me she had ovarian/cervical cancer that had moved to her lungs - they got it out of her cervix...and she had been fighting this for SEVEN YEARS!!! And so you know what she said.....she thinks they won't get it this time. Well, you know me - WHOA - YES THEY WILL.(you know...when you are filled with the love of Jesus and the power only the holy spirit can provide....there are times they could MUTE you and the words will still come - it is not about you - it is about being willing to be a messenger for God) ......This is NOT the end for you - this is a tougher battle because it is in the middle.....but that is where it lies -not at the end of your life -in the middle...and you will win - all it takes is you...And I don't you know you very well - but I believe in you - you have fought this for 7 years - you are a fighter and I expect to see great things from you.....for a long, long time. I am so sorry for your pain - but I am so thankful that I could to meet you today.....

Then I fell asleep -go figure.....those freakin drugs REALLY made me loopy!!


Once again - God was faithful - I prayed in antcipation of another horrible experience and HE made it SO perfect - gave ME opportunities to say MERRY CHRISTMAS....and folks - NO ONE got mad at me for it!! Many said thank you - several repeated...all heard and acknowledged it....and I wasn't evicted from the Jewish hospital for speaking of a Christan faith!!!


God Bless - I am now off to take a cocktail and crawl back into bed....just wanted to let you know....GOd is so Good...........



Thank you God for doing what you do best - keeping your promises. thank you for bringing to me in the last few days friends who I have not been in touch with - and friends who I needed to be in touch with. Thank you for using me.....I pray for the wig lady, Audrey, Renee, and Angela and for the hearts of everyone to be touched by the spirit that comes every year - of hope, forgiveness, and love.

Anticipation

It seems like forever since I updated my blog. I have decided to come at least twice each week....enough so you will know I am just...super fine....and not too much to bore you with!!



That being said....given the time of year, I have done a lot of reflecting - who doesn't? Okay...scrooges don't, I suppose, or - you know - those people I like to call the "rally-killers." They hate everything in life, so most likely do not reflect on the good things from their past (note to self: pray for those people - they really do exist)....and what have I been reflecting on??????? Christmases past, of course.

I can remember the year I got a ton of Barbie crap. First of all, I could not figure out how Santa knew to get me Barbie stuff - I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I wanted Barbie stuff - so how did he?? Oh well...it was awesome just the same. And the agony of having to go to sleep so he would finally come. The anticipation of seeing just WHAT Santa would leave for us...or rather, invade our home with. At our house, you literally could not see the floor on Christmas morning - photos you would have to see to believe.(thanks to the generosity of grandma and grandpa Smith, my dad's parents).

Anyway.....so I awoke...and since both of my parents were alive, the FIRST thing I would do is FLY up the stairs to jump on their bed and let them know that Santa had been there. Well...this particular year (so I am told) Dad had a really hard time with some of our gifts....and literally had just crawled into bed when I declared...time to get up because Santa was here!! Given what I know David would say today - I can only imagine what my daddy said to my mommy on that particular morning!! I love that story now...because I think nearly every person I know has experienced it....helping Santa only to go to bed and be awakened by the kids......my heart skips a beat just thinking of it - you see, my anticipation has changed. Now....I anticipate the look on THEIR faces Christmas morn when my children awake to see what Santa brought....and I must admit - I like this anticipation a whole lot more. It is true - there is so much more joy in giving than receiving.

Which brings me to the purpose for this blog. Tuesday is the next "C" day. (I really need to come up with a different acronym than the "c" day because I do not like that letter....it's a girl thing.) 10 days ago I can tell you without a doubt that the anticipation of this next visit made me want to hurl - literally. So, God being God....and never ever letting me down.....has brought me to a different place within the scheme of this chemo. I am actually looking forward to it - not like going to the DQ for a blizzard, mind you....more like going to the dentist for a check-up. At least when you are scheduled to go to the dentist you know the possibility exists that there won't be any cavities - thus, no pain!!!! That is how I feel about this chemo trip...the possibility exists I won't think I am dying from the nausea and sickness....so I am claiming that (and probably gonna kick some medical oncologist butt if I get sick Tuesday Night)....and so now, many of you are asking yourselves..."just what does this butt look like?" And to that I say to you - shame, shame......Dr. Michel would be blushing, I am quite certain.....(sorry...I digress...we'll have to take up the butt conversation some other day)

So, I wanted to share with you what God did for me......I prayed two weeks ago about the anticipation of this next visit.....and God did not spare me a bit of anticipation - He has granted me loads of it in other forms. I was anticipating Austin's ball games (still am), and his concert, and the girls' Christmas programs, singing, going shopping with Jill, making a DJ request to Troy on the way to the hospital (yes....David and I both live in anticipation of that - we just love him!!!) seeing Charlie over the holidays (because Charlie is the one person in my life who I can tell you - has NEVER failed to come up to me and kiss me and tell me I am gorgeous...seriously - I have been fat, ugly, and obnoxious and Charlie STILL tells me I am gorgeous....they say love is blind so I think Charlie must truly love me!!!), seeing family and friends......and Santa. God even gave me Santa.....I am so blessed and so thankful that all I can do is get on my knees.

I used to ask myself years ago.....what did I do to deserve such a good boy ?(Austin - in the days especially after his dad and I first separated)......and now I am asking God again....what did I do to deserve your grace and the peace that only You offer? And I cry...as I am now....when I am faced with the harsh reality that I have done absolutely nothing.....Jesus did it.....all I have done is believe.....I got the easy part.

Thank you, again, for loving me, and walking this journey with me. So many of you have sent cards, prayers, and words of encouragement - and I wish there was a way I could stand on top of the world and shout to everyone about the many blessings you have given me.......since I can't - I am going to stand on top of the world and shout to God and ask Him to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bless you as you have me......and I will continue to do that!!!! Because I truly do love you.

God Bless You and May you anticipate a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

This week in kids

Just thought I would post a couple of photos. This has been a busy week - the Freshmen have 5 games!!! no complaining here - I love it. Bella danced at the Varsity game last Saturday. Gracie did Gingerbread Houses....and Austin - well...he is playing ball.....

Late Night Antics

Okay - so, I need to sit back for a minute and say THANK YOU, GOD, for showing me the benefits of chemo. Because, seriously, those "bennies" were lacking at best over the past week...until last night,.

Ladies - you will love this. Men - the cat is out of the bag. No longer can you ever tell your wife that...you just can't handle the smell....pppeeeeeeuuwwwww.

I was home all day with Sophie yesterday - she had a virus of some sort going through her tummy. Every time she would dry-heave in the bucket, David would follow-up by making me douse myelf with the germ-x....he has become the master at it - and, by the way, if you need any don't bother going to Wal-Mart. He bought out the entire store the day after the doctor told me to stay away from germs!!!

Then there was last night.....Sophie was better....Gracie mentioned not feeling well....and we all went to bed with visions of sugarplums in our heads.....clean bodies, brushed teeth, clean jammers, and a peaceful evening............and then RALPH showed up!!!!

At 10:44 I could hear Gracie losing what appeared to be chunks of enormous size - and I have no idea where she was storing them. David looked at me and proclaimed, "You CAN NOT be around this - get out of here." For the first time - literally - in my life - I did not argue....I turned and ran as fast as I could and flew back in bed. I lie there feeling extreme guilt about the turbo-charged dad in the other room (picture this...before David could clean up the puke he put on orange dishwashing gloves, kleenexes in both nostrils and ears, and a roll of paper towles) This guy was going in for the kill!!! Did I mention I was feling some guilt? It is the holiday season...I suppose my blogs should not contain any falsehoods....

And, folks...it didn't stop there - poor guy......Gracie vomitted FOUR times throughout the night - and David graciously arose each time. And the best part (can't believe he would agree there were any bst parts) was when I heard him say, "Gracie, please, I am begging you - the next time you are going to puke, please puke in this bucket. Don't try to run to the bathroom. Please. Please listen to your daddy." Yes - he was desperate....and how can you possibly talk angrily to a 5 year-old vomitter at 3am!!!!

So - that's it. Thanks to chemo, I am puke free. The way I see it, by the time this is all over I will most likely be the ONLY person in the family who is NOT sick!!! Now, how is THAT for ironic!!

God - thank you for the Grace you give us each and every day to deal with the big...and small..things. Please send your grace right now to those who are hurting - much more than I could imagine.. Take away the pain in their hearts - and give them the peace that only You Can offer. I thank you in advance......and praise You forever.

The Next Chapter

Well, I have come to the conclusion that chemo is the next chapter...yep....I want to get it into a chapter ALL BY ITSELF!!! I figure - I have the power to determine where it falls in the grand scheme of things...and I don't want it falling anywhere near the good stuff....so it is.

Chemo has been a lesson for me - albeit a funny one, believe it or not. (not TOTALLY funny) Picture this if you can. David and I enter the "pod" for our first chemo and there are 6 other patients there receiving some kind of chemotherapy. Now enters muah "foreign for 'me'" - and this is my first rodeo........so I decided to take it all in....and I did. This is what I witnessed...

A very nice, quiet lady in the bed next to mine - had already waited 3 hours for a 30 minute drip. All I could think was that I needed to take a dose of her "patience" pill. I think I would have wanted to wring someone's neck after an hour.....and she was there more than three. The lady directly across from me - 4 hour drip; the gentleman to the left of me - 4 years of cancer...92 rounds of chemo and still going....pretty good sense of humor, I might add....and then there was the classy lady who was in and out - looked like she might be late for an appt at the hairdresser (seriously - her wig was fantastic....and I am certain that in the midst of her chemo there wasn't ANYTHING stopping her regular routine...didn't know her yet - but I really liked her spunk). And so it went.

An observation I made was that NO ONE was eating - well, the occassional patient asked for pretzels or peanut butter crackers...but there wasn't ANYONE in that pod with Red Vine Licorice, peanuts, and a wrap from Applebee's...no, NO ONE but ME!!!!! I am absolutely certain they all left the pod that day and said to themselves, "New girl in pod #3...someone please send the barf bag home with her 'cause this darlin' ain't got a clue." And....uuuhhh....they would have been right.

And so it went..the meds weren't right...I am still battling the nausea, but this is SO MINOR in my opinion. I try to put this in perspective and this is the way I see it. Thirty years ago there was no such thing as a medicine for my mom to take to battle the nausea - she just did it.....and that woman NEVER complained. If you think for a second I am exaggeratting, just ask one of the more than two thousand people who attended her funeral....she was not a complainer. She was simply the most beautiful woman I have ever known......

Over the past few days I have asked myself several times - WHY in the world did I agree to a clinical trial? WHY did I get to be blessed with chemo over Christmas? Why do I have to be so darn tired? Okay - I see a terrible theme here and it is called SELF-INDULGENCE. It never worked for me before - and it isn't going to work for me now. For the clinical trial - this is my rationalization. My mom gave her life and very valuable research for cancer development......surely I can give 5 months - so that maybe a new standard can be created and even more lives saved in the future.

Christmas - I can think of NO better time than to endure this. I am humbled every morning at the beautiful reminder that many many years ago Mary gave birth to a tiny baby boy who lived - and died - for me. The pain or nausea is just a part of me right now - a small reminder that God loves me and had not forgotten me.....that......that is beautiful.

I have said it before and I will say it again - I feel guilty ever complaining (maybe that is why I reserve it for private moments with David....when he just understands I need to be a little tyrant - you know....for just a minute. Don't tell him - but I don't really feel the need to complain...just the need to hit on him for awhile!!!hehehehe). I believe it - I have learned very early that nearly every person I run into at the center for advanced medicine is worse off than me....and I pray their lives are as enriched as mine.......

I will continue to blog - and share...and thank you for taking this journey with me. All I know for sure is that the Grace of God comes to me daily through you - little graces you give me....(ie. Jill's dinner on the first day of my chemo when I could not move.....you are right, sister, I probably would not have called!!! Thanks for loving me) I have many many stories and look forward to sharing!!!!

Love, Becky

Grandma's don't mess around

Go Saukee Freshmen!!!! 58-28 vs. West Central Co-Op last night!! (not these photos!)

I have already shared that when I was in the 6th grade, my mom lost her earthly battle with cancer, but won the war of many hearts....and went home to be with Jesus on September 11, 1979. For many moons after that there were discussions about whether or not mommy could "see me." And the conclusion at that time was that no - she could not. Because I would have painful times in my life and that might make my mommy sad......so that is how it went for me - my mommy, daddy, and Rusty were in Heaven...and they haven't been able to see the sorrow of our lives.

Now this next revelation may come as a shock to some of you - but I am going to go out on a limb and say I think ....that is hogwash. You can disagree - but I have proof. Last night, I named my grandma as my inspiration......the matriarch who held our family together after many had passed. This phenomenal woman predicted the exact timing of the birth of my first daugher - proudly proclaiming at that Thanskgiving dinner that we were going to have a baby that night. (Side note - I had asked her how in the world she knew that...she said it had everything to do with my trips to the bathroom!!!! Wow - that's insight, to say the least.)

Okay - enough of that. So....as I was praying last night I talked to my grandma, too. YES I DID.......and this morning is the BEST day I have had in a very long time - I am not nauseous, nor tired, nor do my breasts (or the area F/K/A my breasts) hurt. I got on my knees and thanked God for allowing grandma to look over me. She is my angel....and, I suspect, there are many others up there - they are not sad...they are looking over me and making sure I never, ever walk this alone. How else can God be everywhere at once? He is the master of design.....and I so love the way He has designed my life. And now, there is no greater feeling than to know I not only have family and friends here looking over me (thank you thank you thank you for your prayers).....but I have the best of all - grandma's brood!!!

Thank you, God, for the gift of your grace, for not forgetting me, and for letting me have this perfect morning. I am forever humbled by you.

Grandma - my inspiration

This is Grandma Crews - the matriarch of our family. Wow do I miss her!!! Grandma went home to be with the Lord - and Grandpa and mom, dad, and Rusty, in August, 2006....but not before she left us with some very valuable lessons!!! Unfortunately, there is not enough space in the internet universe for me to put it all down - but I decided to focus on something that would bring me a great peace - and it is grandma...so I thought I would share a bit of her with you.

Here she is with Bella and Sophie. In October, 2005, grandma came to our house and spent the night and we went on the fall color drive. EVERY where we went grandma would say, "my, oh my, there are a lot of people out there...." Which was my clue to keep driving - and we drove all over Pike County. That was truly awesome!!!

Grandma was sick then, but we didn't know it - she had cancer. She lived the last months of her life with more grace than most of us could ever hope to have in a lifetime.....thank you, grandma, for teaching us about loving others and giving of yourself.....and especially how to tell our man to keep his fingers out of the food!!! You were and are the best!!

Chemo- Day 2

Just a little update. I feel compelled to say that after 8 hours in a fetal position due to the nausea caused by the lack of meds - or incorrect meds - or whatever the freakin problem is - ......I would not wish cancer or chemo on my worst enemy. Not that I have any enemies.....but if I did - I would not send them here.

I have good news. I found out that the last name of my medical oncologist's nurse is Gambino - seriously - her name is Gambino. Angela Gambino. She actually told David that she was sure the doctor would see me 2 hours late for my appt on Tuesday because she called down and told them if they didn't.....well, she had ties to the mafia and would be sure to take care of them. Never thought I would be so happy to have ties to the mafia!!! Yikes - I will forget this later - you know, a side effect of the chemo. They said it would cause memory loss....and I am losing something.

Thanks for your prayers. I KNOW everyone has told me that now-a-days......no one gets sick from chemo. I am sure that day is coming for me.....please pray that it is TODAY!!!!!!

Thanks a million - how is that for a specific request? Listen - I just know how fast God works....and He hears your calls with mine. So - let's band together for this one.....because I can honestly tell you it is the lowest feeling I have had throughout this ordeal. Maybe an overstatement, but you get my point.

I love you alll........and even at my lowest point.....it is a good day.

First Day of Chemo

I'm not sure what is going to come out of my mouth in this blog.....but I wanted to share with you my "First".

First of all, the day started out well for us - the kids got to school....and I need to say...that I thank God daily for friends and family. Today it was Frank and JoGari. Which - our girls loved that.....they love both of them. Apparently today they loved Frank more - something about JoGari picking up Sophie and Sophie told her that she didn't like her....kids can be so cruel. Let me add - last week, JoGari was the second coming for Sophie - I think the youngest one (she is 3) just likes to be.....confrontational. Anything to get the party started with that kid.

So - David and I were off to Siteman. We were in town when I realized I forgot the parking pass that would only cost us $1 to park. This distressed me greatly since I knew the last time we were there it cose $17.50 for the day to park. Since I had the pass - it cost us $1!!!!! Oh well....we decided that since we have only 5 of those passes left and a minimum of 16 more trips......we would not go back.

The schedule for this glorious day was to get blood drawn at 9:45, meet with my medical oncologist at 10:20 and chemo to begin at 11:30. I was also looking forward to spending the day with Beth and her dad. I was looking for her - starting at 9:10 when David and I were in the waiting room.....when I came out of the blood draw and David indicated she had not arrived, I had a moment of silence. And not five minutes later I received a txt message from Beth that her dad had passed earlier that morning, Tuesday, December 2nd. Please know that your continued prayers for the family of Jim Beard are so appreciated......I didn't really know "Beardie's dad" that well.....but I know he was a fighter. This man survived a brutal cancer for 19 months. And in the midst of the battle, he taught others around him to love, to believe, and to hope. What a beautiful legacy he has left for his family.....in his family....Jim is now in Heaven rejoicing with his friends and family - and I have no doubt that my mom was in the front of the line to tell him THANK YOU, Jim.....for giving people hope - for showing my daughter how to fight......I am sure she followed that with, "I love you, Jim - welcome to Heaven." AND....in the background my daddy echoed, "Okay, Jim....time to party!! Somebody put on the Elvis."

I very much appreciate that each of my chemo appointments will start with the blood draw and then I will have the opportunity to meet with my doctor for an hour......isn't that incredible??? (Should be.....the rate for a consult is $370....regardless if I am in there 5 minutes or 50...so I take full advantage.) I had a million questions.....you know - the obvious. My list included the following, very important...gotta know this...questions

Since I know my hair will be falling out.....I was wondering if ALL of my hair will fall out. Dr. replied, "well, you may not lose all of your eyebrows." What about my eyelashes?.....he replied, "I don't know the answer to that one....I have never asked any of my patients." (yikes...note to self - tell Dr. Michel if I lose my eyebrows). Finally.....I asked him about hair in the lower extremities. He indicated I might not have to shave my legs....YIPPEEE...some good news, I thought!!! I could tell he was not used to the hair question venturiing beyond the head.....so I decided not to probe further.

• Exercise - can not lift anything more than 10 pounds. I wanted more info on this - since I enjoy lifting as a part of my "former" exercise routine. So I asked for how long....and his repsonse was a word I was always told to NEVER use. He indicated, "Forever." Okay - not the response I was wanting....and he did tell me I should talk to Dr. Margenthaler....and he was specifically talking about the arm which they took the sentinel node from (so only the left arm)
  
• Sick and fatigue - what can I expect? Fatigue....inevitable, probably. Sick - if I am....just let them know and they will adjust the meds. Great - all doable.
  
• FYI - we discussed the meds I will be on and the effect of the White Blood cell counts, red blood cell counts, platelets, etc. I just don't want to bore you with those details right now - I am quite certain over the next 5 months there will be time for that...
  

So we were on to chemo. I signed in and lo and behold the first thing David and I got was a "tour." The gal showed us where to sign in - and to be SURE to get the parking ticket stamped because when you get chemo...parking is FREE (they find a way to get us benefits for everything.) She also pointed out the 3 bathrooms, the 4 pods of patients, and the fact that they provide snacks (chocolate chip cookies, pretzels, and peanut butter crackers.)

After the fabulous 30 second walking tour, they showed me to my "chair" (that has a somewhat frightening ring to it)....but the chair had such an inviting look. As you can see from the photo I had my own TV, armrests, and could even recline a little - although the gal across the way had a REAL recliner (she was also there for a 4 hour-drip......oh my I know now what that means...more later.) The gals had me all hooked up and the nurse walked over to me to inform me that they had absolutely everything on the order they needed EXCEPT (the dreaded word) the first page with the doctors signature. She indicated that they had faxed it over for the doctor to sign and he should be faxing it back. I looked at her in utter DISBELIEF and exclaimed, "You ARE aware, nurse, that the doctor you are referrng to is located exactly 20 seconds away from this very office.....would it not be easier to walk it over?" WWWell - that is just not the way they do things. So, I informed her that if the order was not back in 15 minutes I would walk it over myself.......sometimes they are just WAY TOO organized for their own good. I was a bit freaked out because the lady next to me had been lying there for more than 3 HOURS waiting for a 30-minute drip.....

Chemo started at 12:15 and ended at 3:30....not too bad for the first day. I actually felt great. We went downstairs to see Dr. Brant and he put 2 ounces of fluid in each of my tissue expanders (all of 60 seconds to complete) and David and I were off....to the first floor for some freebies.

Yeah - this place is fantastic. I recieved a turban and a fantastic hat, a nutrition book and met a great lady...Eileen was her name - a nurse and breast cancer survivor herself.....maybe more later on her, too.

We were FINALLY pulling out at 4:50pm. I was feeling really good - it had been a great day and I thought I should recap what I had learned....because it was a LOT!!! I would summarize it as follows:

• Drink 100 ounces of water each day
• Do not each candies or drinks with sugar
• eat 6 small meals each day
• Bathe daily - stay clean and free from bacteria
• Avoid large crowds (I mentioned basketballl.....I can go - just don't sit by anyone....can you imagine - people will think I have the plague...no, actually, they will probably think I am stuck-up!!)
• Do not come in close contact with anyone who has had a cold, fever, or the flu within the last two weeks (I have 4 kids - are they kidding??)
• Do not lift arms above head - AT ALL - until after implant surgery (which is in June)
• DO NOT RUN EVER.........until after implant surgery - I can walk as long as I do not move my arms (I am really struggling with this one)
• Do not life anything over 5 pounds (different doctor
• Possible memory loss (I will have to use this one!!!)
  
  And we were off...as I said earlier...and it had been a long day....and David did not make it to Interstate 70 before I thought I was going to hurl. And I got a severe case of dry-mouth. And I couldn't keep my eyes open. I thought something foreign had invaded my body and taken over - and then I realized it had....it is called chemo.....Adriamycin, Cyclophosphamide, and Anastin to be exact.....along with what was SUPPOSED TO BE a medicine to keep me from getting mauteous for the first 24-72 hours. That freakin nateau stuff didn't last me 5 hours, let alone 24 (note to self....tell them I weigh 150 pounds....not 15.0 pounds!!!!)
  

When we got to Mary's I was so happy to see the girls - I knew Austin was at basketball and I would not get to see him. We loaded up the car - after Bella indicated she did not feel well......let me describe to you the 7 minute car ride to our house. For the first few minutes Bella just kept saying she did not feel well and she wanted her mommy.....keep in mind the LAST thing I was told was to stay away from sick people - the first thing I see when I get home is a sick child and all I wanted to do was hold her.........about 3 minutes into the ride, Bella vomitted (into the bag grandma had sent, thank god!!!!!) and she started screaming the following, "I WANT MY MOMMY. MOMMY. MOMMY. MOMMY." Simultaneously Sophie screamed, "Bella pooked. Bella is pooking. Bella is pooking." And Gracie, "Daddy - I am going to puke. Bella is going to make me sick. For Heavens Sake, Bella stop puking and stop screaming."

David was speechless and I was trying to calm Bella from the front of the vehicle - David was telling me to get out of the car and to not go near her....and I started to bawl. I wasn't doing it loudly as I did not want the kids to see or hear....but as a mother I can tell you my sickness was - and is- secondary to the needs of my kids....and then David is grabbing me and saying - "do NOT go near her Becky....I do not want you to get sick. PLEASE listen to me."

So we all went into the house - and David took care of everything. Then Austin came home....By this time, I am so sick I can't stand up. I was in the fetal position in the bathroom and heard him coming. So, I got up and went to the bed to lay. He stayed there and talked for 15 minutes - and I just kept praying God would allow me to not get sick in front of him.....and God did real good!!!!! I can not begin to tell you how thankful I was for that - I CHERISH those moments at the end of the day when my kids share with me....particularly Austin at this age - he has a girlfriend, and is very active. And I love that he shares - I will NOT miss this part of his life. Not even for one day.

The next few hours will remain nameless. There are certain things I can do and say - that I will only do and say around David. I can tell you, however, without a doubt, God came down from Heaven and touched me - literally - through my husband last night as I lay on the bathroom floor and he rubbed my back. Thank you, God, for that moment......all of them

I want to back-up......thank you for the calls last night. Unfortunately, given all that was happening - my cell phone, David's cell phone and the home phone weren't answered for quite some time....but I know you called and I just want to say thank you.....I love you very, very much.

On a lighter note, David is on the way to the pharmacy this morning to pick up four more medications that should make me stop feeling like I could hurl at any moment...and another to increase my white blood cell count. YIPPPEE!!!! All is well in the end. I just thank God that HE is forever faithful. How could anyone do this alone??????????????????

p.s. Good news. At the end of my talk with Austin I asked him if he was happy about basketball....and he replied, "Oh, yeah....well, maybe with the exception of 6am practices." YES!!!!