Dad's Tired

Okay, I am going to try and blog this one - no jokes - no attempts to be funny. Just want to share with you what I witnessed on Tuesday.

Tuesday was a late day. I spent the morning at the doctors office with Austin - he has all kinds of infections....and while I was a bit upset that chemo was not scheduled until 2pm, having my baby boy be sick and takinig him to the doctor - made the late appointment a blessing. So....God makes all things clear in time - and He is in the details....as He was for me over and over again on Tuesday.

David and I arrived and they got me right in to do the blood draw....it was about 1:00pm....so, we were thinking I could have the blood drawn (which usually takes about 2 mintues...to access the port and everything). Let's just say - 45 minutes later I joined David in the waiting room. The blood would not cooperate and in the end they had to give me Activase again...and they simply drew the blood from my arm so we wouldn't have to wait 30 mintues on the Activase....while I was also not thrilled with the arm-thing....I want to tell you - Dan the Man came in to draw my blood and for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE....I did not feel anything. I didn't feel the needle go in or come out....I guess the fact that he does it about 50 times every day had something to do with it - but he was amazing.

So....getting back on track. I told David to just go ahead and go to lunch and leave me there. I didn't leave because I knew they would call me in the next 20 minutes or so - and I for certain wanted to be getting in there so we could get out......

Now, let me paint a picture for you. About the first time we went to chemo David found a wooden bench located down the hallway next to the bathrooms. It is in front of the windows so there is a nice view of the street below....and it is completely quiet - not to mention, it is a bit more germ-less than the cloth seats. David and I sit here every time....it is just a nice space...away from it all.

Tuesday was no exception. I was sitting on the bench, doing a crossword, and waiting for my beeper to go off (they give you beepers just like you get at the restaurants when you are waiting for a table) when I heard a man approaching. I am not sure why - but I started listening to his conversation. He had obviously walked down this hallway so he could have some privacy. He was alone, on his cell phone, and his conversation went something like this:

"Hey, bud. This is dad and we just got out of the doctors office. It wasn't good news, but of course, you know we didn't think it was going to be good news. The chemo I have been taking is not working. The doctor said there is one more drug they can try and if it doesn't work I have 6-8 weeks. How do I feel? Well, bud, dad is tired. I told you last week I could feel the cancer taking over my body. I can't eat and this week I lost 6 more pounds. It just isn't good. When? Well, mom and I are going to stay today and they are going to do the treatment. But I want to tell you, son, that if I don't feel good after this I am not going to do it anymore. No, no I won't get to enjoy my golden years with you and the kids - but I love you - and I want my last days, whatever they may be, to be good ones. And, son, dad is tired. I am just very tired. Now, you know this is a phone call your mom just couldn't make. She is down in the cafeteria getting something to eat and she has been crying non-stop. She just can't talk to you right now. SO, I am going to hang up and call your sisters. We'll be home soon. I love you, too."

I was......relieved. I am so ashamed. I listened to this man and all I could think of was how thankful I was that I never had to make that phone call. And then I felt sick. I wanted to run up to him and scream - YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT....and realized I couldn't make that call. So, I just watched him - and before he could call his daughters he went into the waiting room and sat down. He looked as if he could cry - but he didn't. He was being the rock...waiting patiently for his wife to return. I couldn't even talk to David about this man - I tried, but I wanted to cry, so I stopped. But I have not stopped thinking about him - and I will be looking for him the next three weeks.....hoping and praying that he felt good after that chemo and that his body will give it a chance.

But he is a dad - and he is tired - and he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. What a strong, wonderful man. I love him and I know Jesus loves him and I will never forget the courage and strength that poured out of him during that phone call.....and I will pray, and I ask you to join me, that God will shower this man and his family with His grace and mercy....and a miracle. I believe it. And I don't even need to see it to know it will happen. You see - God was in all the details fo rme this day...blood not cooperating, the bench in the private area, me not going to lunch....God will be in the details for him, too.

Willy Wonka and some teenage wisdom

Okay....I can hear it at least a hundred times, but I am a woman - therefore, I am vain. No matter what you say to me I am going to criticize myself. I had someone tell me the other day that was TOTALLY normal - it is a "female" thing. I agree with her...and I am so tired of it...but I am fairly certain it won't change!!

So, Saturday I awakened in my usual fog, unable to see clearly (literally - due to the benadryl, I believe), a wee bit tired, dry-mouthed, and ready to start the new day!! I stammered to the bathroom to freshen up and was stopped dead in my tracks upon entering the "mirror-zone." Looking back at me, much to my dismay, was the Blueberry girl. You all know her - even if you have never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, you have HEARD of the characters in the show....Well...on Saturday, I became the blueberry girl. I am going to blame the steroids. Heaven knows I do not want to blame the peanut m&m's....

Seriously - for a moment....I felt as though the gods of chemo were giving me a taste of what I have been seeing for nearly 5 months. I have SEEN people at chemo who looked....well....bare. There was nothing there - I have seen patients who I could not tell if it was a man or a woman....because of the swelling. Their expressions were filtered by the drugs they had been taking - and I didn't get it.....until Saturday morning. I have been popping out for some time. Believe me - I have 4 children who keep things "real" for me on a daily basis....Gracie and Sophie press on my stomach every single day and tell me....how big it is. I used to try and hide it - and now I have begun to embrace it. It is a part of this journey.....and, hey, who am I to take a laugh away from my kids? But what I really want to share with you is the wisdom of my teenager. It isn't that I don't listen to everyone. I do - and I appreciate and accept the love and support that is forthcoming. But I would be lying if I didn't say - there is something about the words of my babes that moves me. (Like when Gracie tells Sophie, "Geez, Sophie, do I have to slap you? You need to be quiet or I'm going to mash your mouth." Yeah - she says it...and she means it.....)

Austin and I were having a chat very recently (like...this past week)....it wasn't an out-of-the-ordinary chat...we chat all the time. Let's just say I am a mom who likes to know things -and he is a child who likes to keep me informed. Actually, he probably keeps me informed so I won't pester him so much....(holy cow - I really hope he doesn't feel that way)....Okay - back to the story. Teenage wisdom??? I, the mother, was a bit overwhelmed about looking like the Pillsbury Dough-Girl. Austin told me that he doesn't care what I look like - he just cares that I'm here. For that, my friends, I proudly....... go blue.

Thank you, God, for keeping this real for me - and reminding me that what is truly important is not that which we can see, but that which we know to be true and feel in our hearts.

Why waste time complaining?

I knew this would happen. As soon as the horns went back in my head and I settled down - I would feel bad for ever being upset....aboout the support gal at Siteman. As a matter of fact, the very next day on WIBI someone said.....we are all created in the image of God and worthy of respect. Alright...alright...alright....maybe that is true (and I believe it is)....but we are created in His image and IMperfect...the reason Jesus came back for us...the reason I got a little upset...and maybe over reacted....the jury is still out on that - and since I am the jury - I guess I will reserve judgement on it.

So, why complain? I have people ask me often how I am doing...and many times I comment that I am just fine - no complaints here. And then I follow it up with, "well, I have complained, but no one is listening so I decided to stop complaining." Well - the truth of the matter is...if I am complaining, then I am obviously NOT focusing on the blessings I have asked to recieve. I read a daily devotional (have several and love them all)....and one day a couple of weeks ago the devotional said that "complaining is death and thanksgiving is life." It makes so much sense - why pray for something if you are only going to complain about it? Instead of complaining about the service from the support staff, I think I should have been giving Thanksgiving for those who help me - and hundreds of others - every day. Believe me, the good far outweigh the bad in that joint....and I need to keep THAT in mind.

So, the next time you wake up - remember to give God thanksgiving for the many blessings you receive and prepare yourself to be blessed!!!

St Pat's Day chemo, 2009

Yes - I really did.

Faith

I woke up Tuesday morning...and I believed. It is what God has called me to do. Please understand - believeing is something I have down my whole life - I was "born into it"...THANK GOD....but believing took on a whole new meaning for me September 26, 2008. On Tuesday I woke up believing.

I suppose by now you are asking yourself..."What in the heck does she mean?" Well, let me explain. I believed God would provide all of the resources necessary for me to make it through the day. I hoped he would continue to bestow countless blessings on those around me. Where does this belief and hope come from??? Faith.

So, back to Tuesday. I grabbed my trusty chemo bag (the ONLY bag I carry to chemo now!!!), jumped in David's vehicle with my pillow and bag in hand, and headed to Siteman. David - he really has the easy part. He can put the car on auto-pilot now and we can take a nap together. It is sweet - truly sweet. Sorry - chemo brain in action...I tend to digress more and more. I suppose if this were being given a grade....I would most likely fail for "failure to stay focused."

"How was Tuesday?" you are asking yourself......let me start at the end. Since I have faith which allows me to believe and hope when others may not, I can tell you there was a silver lining at the end - but the road to get there was carved with a bunch of crap...sorry if you are offended by crap - but I could have said something much worse - I toned it down!!

The last three trips to Siteman we have had problems getting my blood to flow from the port. I had to take deep breaths, lean back, raise my arm, turn to my side, breathe again, and then have the silly thing stuck further (holy cow that really, really, really did not feel good)......unfortunately that stuff didn't work this time. After about 20 needles of saline, they decided to give me Activase.....it would just take about 20-30 minutes and then the blood would flow. Okay - it did....so off to a rocky start, but no big deal - I really don't get worked up over that stuff...ESPECIALLY since the nurses are SO FANTASTIC!!!!! I say that with the kindest of hearts. They truly are! Today - Sandy was no exception. AND...she looked just like a friend of mine from high school - Becky Dunnagan...or Daniel now....weird - I kept wanting to call her Becky. (sorry - once again I digress.) The activase....my only issue was I KNEW I would be going pee ALL DAY LONG....and I was right. God provided.....I Believed he would.

Then I went to see my oncologist, Dr. Michel. OH MY GOSH!!! This guy had the best sense of humor today. (I didn't know he had one - so to see it was truly a gift.) I was a little taken aback. He was joking about my ice cream and how he could counsel me to LOSE weight - eating nothing but ice cream. Because, as he put it, "At the end of the day it is calories in and calories out. Portion control - yes, that is what it is. " I told him that theory would hold water - if I didn't eat half a gallon....and I actually had a DESIRE to portion control. Therein lies the problem, Dr. Michel.....I DON'T want to be controlled!!! But - he had a sense of humor. I had hoped that would happen - that was truly a blessing from God!!!!

Renee was not my nurse today. Now, I could start boo-hooing here and complaining, but I won't . Why - because God uses her. And someone else needed her more on chemo day than I did. How could I be even remotely upset about that - I KNOW how special she is.....

I was humbled to be in a room with at least two other patients who are fighting for their lives. Hospitalizations, inability to take the sickness the chemo brings, and the nagging thoughts of wondering when their bodies will give out....or give in. But WOW did they have spirit. One fella drives from Jefferson City....and he is there all day. We had some nice conversations about somoking in restaurants...you know - it all comes down to eating. They may be fighting the battle of their lives...for their life....but eating is STILL a priority. That is why I know they will win!!

And I almost forgot to share with you.....my chemo started 3 hours late. I think the hospital was sick yesterday. I typically get very worked up about doctors offices being THAT FAR behind....I would most likely just leave. But, I have to admit - I just don't get worked up at the chemo center....and, to top it off, Laura came in to tell me they were schedulinig my next three appointments and she was wondering if I had a time preference. Now THAT knocked me off my socks - 11 treatments and I have never been asked for a time preference. So, I told her - first thing in the morning!!! When I awakened 4 hours later I asked David if they had brought the schedule...he said no. Well, the assistant overheard me and told me it was on the desk next to my chair. I picked it up and you will never guess what I read. My next two appointments start at 2:00 PM. I can not even begin to describe to you the heat flowing through my body - but I think the horns popping out of my head were a nice pre-cursor to what flowed from my mouth.

I eloquently asked...."Is this a joke?" To which she replied with a blank stare...so I continued...,"For the first time in 12 weeks, I was asked for a time preference and was given the WORST times EVER....I have never had an appt past 12:15, and the last 4 have been at 8, 8:30, or 9:15....all of that without even asking." She replied that Sandra and Joyce do the scheduling and I could talk to them. I asked her if one of them could come in and talk to me - "oh NOOOOO they wouldn't do that." Okay. I looked around and of the 200 patients that were given chemo that day I was the ONLY ONE LEFT....so, I asked myself, "she can't get off her butt WHY???" But I didn't say it. Well, maybe my eyes said it for me.

They finished my treatment and I was free to go....so I went to Sandra who had my chart from the assistant. Actually, that isn't true - my chart was laying to the side. She had obviously been working hard on it. She saw me approach. I looked at her, smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Becky McCartney....." and before I could get another word out of my mouth she grabbed my chart, looked at me and said, "I cain't move your appointment. I don't have any other times available. If I put you at 8am I only have one hour." I wish I could tell you that at this point I was kind. Not really. I grabbed my schedule and turned and left. Oh that is not true, I rolled my eyes, slammed my hand on the desk to grab the chart, and THEN I left....I really, really, really wanted to lay into her - especially since it had been a very long day....but what would that have accomplished? Not to mention - shouldn't I lead by example? I wanted to lead her alright - but it had nothing to do with "example." So I walked away.

But have no fear - this is a Saukee mom on chemo and this little episode was NOT over. I marched my happy rear-end to the front desk and requested Caroline's number. Caroline is the coordinator for the clinical trial I am on. I got the number and called......I could have had her paged but thought better of it - I didn't think my current crisis constituted the type of "emergency" she was referring to when she mentioned in her voicemail that she could be paged. I very calmly repeated the events of the day and told her, quite frankly, that my son had a banquet AND a concert on the 17th and if they didn't change the time, I wouldn't be there. Well, I haven't heard from her yet.....maybe I should give her a ring. I don't think missing is an option.

I told you in the beginning there is always a silver lining - that is the great thing about faith. I believe and I have hope....and I still do. I am a bit disappointed that I was unable to keep a smile on my face the whole time.....but I AM PROUD that I didn't physically remove that woman from behind her desk and mash her mouth.....that would have been totally uncool (but would have felt REAAALLLL NIIICCEEEE.)

When I take me or "I" out of the equation and focus on the person or persons I am dealing with.....I realize that maybe we are not on the same playing field. God sends gentle reminders....as he did today...that He is in control and the road won't always be a smooth one....but He will always be the driver....if I just let Him......THANK GOD!!

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey - I truly love you.

The Most Beautiful Women in the World

You probably read the title for todays blog and are currently wondering where in the world I have been.......or who I have seen. Well...let me tell you. Last Friday I had lunch at the Red Dome with a group of ladies - all cancer survivors - who meet once/month.....to just talk....about anything. And, I can say, without exception, they are the most beautiful women in the world.

When I first walked in, I saw them sitting at the table, and I got choked up....but I didn't cry!!! I wanted to - I looked around the table and there were 7 survivors there....and several others who come on a regular basis but were not there on this particular day. While it is a group every woman wishes she didn't have to join.....it is also a group that every woman knows she is lucky to be a part of. These women are so full of love, strength, hope, and encouragement.....I could go on and on....I just wanted to share with you how humbling it was for me to be able to dine with this group - and become a part of their camaraderie.

It is a lunch I will not soon forget - and a lunch I will look forward to each and every month.

A Season for guilty pleasures (Renee)

When David and I first started dating we had "the talk." You know the one I am talking about - the one that every new couple has at some stage of the game...usually at all stages, but for certain, in the early stages. It is the talk you must have in order to ensure you are compatible....the "Sex, Politics, Religion" talk....the one nobody wins, and everybody dreads.....

When David and I had our talk I took it a step further. You see, at that point, I knew a few things he didn't know - because I had already been married once (not that I thought I would marry the guy on our third date.....although he has said since that he already knew....hehehehe). I digress.....when we had the talk I told David something I thought FOR SURE would send him running.....or laughing. I told him that when I got pregnant, I got FAT......and I was sure that would be the same for each of my children...however many I should choose to have. It didn't even phase him. Which was no surprise. Guys can't think "out of the box." (sorry for the generalization...probably not fair in all cases) All he could see was the way I looked then and being fat didn't fit into the equation........a marriage and three daughters later.....I was able to say, "I told you so." Luckily, however, the fatness was just a season in my life - 80 pounds and a new baby each time...and each time I was EVENTUALLY able to get back to the way I was (why does it have to be so hard???)

So why do I share this with you? Well, today was chemo day and THANK GOD Renee was my nurse. I think all of the nurses know she is my pick - and maybe they have conspired to be sure I get her!!! Last week.....last week Renee was there but she was in POD3...I was in POD 4. And I was just a little ticked. You would have been, as well. The nurse I had was very nice (but as I have said in the past....I fired nice people.)...Anyway, while she was very nice, it was Fat Tuesday and she was more concerned about getting the food put out in the break lounge than making sure her patients had their meds. (I am having deja vu...did I already tell you this?) Which is why my meds were an hour late - she kept apologizing as I laid there....I just held my tongue....and watched as Renee, like usual, was running around, staying with her people, and making sure everyone was taken care of INCLUDING ME!!!!! And I wasn't even in her POD!!! (Jill has since shared with me that Renee would come over to POD 4 and tell Jill to take a photo of me with my mouth wide open....good blackmail shot!! I will SOOOOO get her for that!!!)

Anyway....today.....as we were talking, Renee asked how I was doing. And then, she took it a step further....(I TOLD you she was more than a nurse!!! They should put "counselor" on her tag, as well!!!) She asked how I was MENTALLY.....I told her not so good. I have gained nearly 19 pounds....BUT....I started working out yesterday and I was ready to make sure this chemo thing didn't take me over. Renee (now keep in mind - while she is talking to me she continues to monitor and work with her other patients - she can do this and still make you feel as if you are the only person in the world....I really love that about her - it is a gift she has). Renee commented that I should look at what the steroids are doing to me, and not worry about that - it is a part of the game. And, as she moved to another patient at the end of the room she asked me to look at the patients (liquid cancers and bone marrow cancers) in the waiting room who don't have 19 pounds to lose.....and think about how lucky I am. WOW - thanks, Renee....I told her I KNEW there was a reason I needed to see her today!!! If that didn't put it in perspective - what would??????

Here I have been obsessing about my weight gain and I should have been thanking God for it. In that moment, I can tell you that I was SO THANKFUL to have a tumor cancer and not a liquid cancer, or something worse. I looked at those people later in the day when we left (although I was extremely tired and not very alert.....)and I said a silent prayer for them...I say one now.....praying that tomorrow they will wake up and have a desire to eat - to eat ANYTHING...which seems to be the problem. They come in, skin and bones, and the nurses have to put poison in their bodies......praying it doesn't kill them because they have no fat.

Back to Renee....she did mention to me that there is something to be said about being "fat and sassy" when you are on chemo....they really DO like to see you come in and gaining.......because, as she said so eloquently.... this is just a season in your life. It will end and I will get over it. She asked me how much weight I gained when I was pregnant. I told her.......80 pounds, or more (yikes)......and, of course, I am nowhere near that now.......yes. This is just a season. And it WILL pass - a year from now I will be fit and trim again and looking back at this experience as a beautiful journey. Valentine's weekend while dining with Kim, Diana, and Beth, Beth mentioned to me that ice cream is a "guilty pleasure" that I deserve. THANKS, Beth!!!! I think I will take you up on that - like every day!!!!!!

Leave it to God to orchestrate a season of guilty pleasures for you. Listen to Him, take advantage of them, and live.

I love you...........