Dad's Tired

Okay, I am going to try and blog this one - no jokes - no attempts to be funny. Just want to share with you what I witnessed on Tuesday.

Tuesday was a late day. I spent the morning at the doctors office with Austin - he has all kinds of infections....and while I was a bit upset that chemo was not scheduled until 2pm, having my baby boy be sick and takinig him to the doctor - made the late appointment a blessing. So....God makes all things clear in time - and He is in the details....as He was for me over and over again on Tuesday.

David and I arrived and they got me right in to do the blood draw....it was about 1:00pm....so, we were thinking I could have the blood drawn (which usually takes about 2 mintues...to access the port and everything). Let's just say - 45 minutes later I joined David in the waiting room. The blood would not cooperate and in the end they had to give me Activase again...and they simply drew the blood from my arm so we wouldn't have to wait 30 mintues on the Activase....while I was also not thrilled with the arm-thing....I want to tell you - Dan the Man came in to draw my blood and for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE....I did not feel anything. I didn't feel the needle go in or come out....I guess the fact that he does it about 50 times every day had something to do with it - but he was amazing.

So....getting back on track. I told David to just go ahead and go to lunch and leave me there. I didn't leave because I knew they would call me in the next 20 minutes or so - and I for certain wanted to be getting in there so we could get out......

Now, let me paint a picture for you. About the first time we went to chemo David found a wooden bench located down the hallway next to the bathrooms. It is in front of the windows so there is a nice view of the street below....and it is completely quiet - not to mention, it is a bit more germ-less than the cloth seats. David and I sit here every time....it is just a nice space...away from it all.

Tuesday was no exception. I was sitting on the bench, doing a crossword, and waiting for my beeper to go off (they give you beepers just like you get at the restaurants when you are waiting for a table) when I heard a man approaching. I am not sure why - but I started listening to his conversation. He had obviously walked down this hallway so he could have some privacy. He was alone, on his cell phone, and his conversation went something like this:

"Hey, bud. This is dad and we just got out of the doctors office. It wasn't good news, but of course, you know we didn't think it was going to be good news. The chemo I have been taking is not working. The doctor said there is one more drug they can try and if it doesn't work I have 6-8 weeks. How do I feel? Well, bud, dad is tired. I told you last week I could feel the cancer taking over my body. I can't eat and this week I lost 6 more pounds. It just isn't good. When? Well, mom and I are going to stay today and they are going to do the treatment. But I want to tell you, son, that if I don't feel good after this I am not going to do it anymore. No, no I won't get to enjoy my golden years with you and the kids - but I love you - and I want my last days, whatever they may be, to be good ones. And, son, dad is tired. I am just very tired. Now, you know this is a phone call your mom just couldn't make. She is down in the cafeteria getting something to eat and she has been crying non-stop. She just can't talk to you right now. SO, I am going to hang up and call your sisters. We'll be home soon. I love you, too."

I was......relieved. I am so ashamed. I listened to this man and all I could think of was how thankful I was that I never had to make that phone call. And then I felt sick. I wanted to run up to him and scream - YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT....and realized I couldn't make that call. So, I just watched him - and before he could call his daughters he went into the waiting room and sat down. He looked as if he could cry - but he didn't. He was being the rock...waiting patiently for his wife to return. I couldn't even talk to David about this man - I tried, but I wanted to cry, so I stopped. But I have not stopped thinking about him - and I will be looking for him the next three weeks.....hoping and praying that he felt good after that chemo and that his body will give it a chance.

But he is a dad - and he is tired - and he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. What a strong, wonderful man. I love him and I know Jesus loves him and I will never forget the courage and strength that poured out of him during that phone call.....and I will pray, and I ask you to join me, that God will shower this man and his family with His grace and mercy....and a miracle. I believe it. And I don't even need to see it to know it will happen. You see - God was in all the details fo rme this day...blood not cooperating, the bench in the private area, me not going to lunch....God will be in the details for him, too.