Half a cake

When I think of the transformation that has occurred over the past 41 years I am amazed. As a child, all I wanted was toys. As a teenager I wanted clothes, as a young adult I wanted....well...anything...and now...all I wanted was for my kids to give me a kiss!!! And they did. The girls went a step further - they went to grandma's house and the two older ones each made mommy a cake. As you can see from the photo - the chocolate cake was half- eaten before a photo could be taken.

But have no fear - it made Bella's day. She made the chocolate cake......and Gracie got to display it! I can simply thank of no greater gift for my birthday than to receive the love of my children. It gives me a glimpse of the joy God must feel when He hears His children pray - and say....I love you.....so simple.

Have a great day!!!

Chemo #1 of 12

I simply do not know where to begin. I feel as if I need to post more blogs - but then I think that no one wants to hear about my day....when I haven't had a good day, or I have had a boring day...or I have had one of those days when I wasn't very nice. But I had to blog today - because God has blessed me beyond measure...and I want to share that with you.

Yesterday was day #1 of 12 weeks in a row of chemo. Priase God, the first four rounds are complete - and as I said before....those were the worst ones. My doctor even referred to them as the "hard core $#!%"....the stuff that makes you really sick. Yesterday I started taxol (shortened name) and MOST patients do really well with it - less nausea and less fatigue. Dr. Michel told me again that was the result with MOST patients - but he hesitated to say it would definately be the case for me. Well, we all know what I thought about that.

So....the one difference with Taxol is the pre-meds that they have to give me. The Taxol isn't so bad...but the liquid they have to put it in, in order to place it in my body is pretty tough (if you put taxol in salt water it would simply clump up.....). So...they have to give a bunch of steriods....and the final thing they gave me was 50mg of Benadryl....seriously, a dose you normally give someone is 5mg. Needless to say, I was dead to the world within 30 seconds of the dose being administered - and they had to wake me up 4 hours later...because it was time to go home!! YIIPPEE!!! I missed the whole thing....although I woke up long enough to eat the burger I had requested - never saw me skip a meal.

So- what is the good news? David and I were half-way home and he looked at me and said, "You feel good, don't you?" All I could do was say....Yes.....I feel great. We BOTH wanted to cry. Okay - me because I can not even describe to you how good it felt to not feel bad. David - well, I am fairly certain his motivation for crying was feeling like he might get to go an entire day...or even week...without getting his head chopped off. I may be off on that assumption - but you didn't see the look in his eyes - pure joy!

So how did we celebrate? We drove straight to Beardstown to watch our son and the JV team play in the tourney.....my entire chemo schedule is based on Austin's games.....I even missed a muga scan last week because they scheduled it at 3pm on Tuesday - no chance of getting back for Austin's game - so I just didn't go and I made them re-schedule it (seriously - this is a Saukee mom on chemo.....keep your distance!) I actually have a shirt that says that - thanks to my friend Tasha (with a short a)...for those of you who know her - getting me that shirt is no surprise to you!! She is hysterical.

I woke up today.....and I feel great - I feel so good I think I might blog about a few things that have happened over the past few weeks....things that I wanted to blog about - but didn't feel good enough to do it - but I do now....and there are some really funny things....so I will be back.

In the meantime - I do not hesitate to say that I know, without a doubt, from where my good news - and my strength - comes. And each day I fall on my knees and give thanks......

Mouth Sores

At my first chemo session, David and I were given a "tutorial" on ...."What to expect when you are taking chemo." One of the highlights for me was learning about mouth sores. At the time, given my lack of experience taking chemo, I thought...."hey, this could be beneficial." Mouth sores mean I can't eat - which means I won't get big and fat from the steroids. (Will I ever quit obsessing about my weight? I venture to guess the answer to that is no.)

Looking back, there are several things I remember vividly about my mom's cancer. Mouth sores is one of them. There was one food in this world that she could not stand - that was yogurt. For weeks - many weeks - the only food she could eat......was yogurt. SO, here goes the guilt again - I am actually looking forward to getting mouth sores so all I can eat is yogurt? What is wrong with me?

Over the past few weeks my skin has become....very sensitive. My fingers actually hurt on the tips - I figure it is due in some part to this chemo....no other explanation. And the mouth sores? I had a couple a few weeks ago - but nothing that would keep me from eating normally.....no, I haven't had those mouth sores. No No No No No.......my sores aren't in my mouth......they are on the bottoms of me freakin feet!!

This is no joke. I am having a terrible time walking. It is actually a bit hysterical. I felt them coming on Saturday - well, I have felt the tenderness for awhile, and then Saturday Night....BOOM......can you believe this? I wished for mouth sores so I couldn't eat....and I was blessed with foot sores so I can't walk. Where is the irony here? I obviously have my priorities all messed up. I can tell you, for sure, my focus has been blurred (literally.....foggy when I wake up and open my eyes) - and when you aren't seeing things clearly, sometimes you need to be shook up. I guess I need to be shook up.

So, I am laying in bed - sitting on the couch....sitting in the pew at church....and at all of these times I am declaring......"LORD......I AM LISTENING......." Am I not hearing you? I am really trying to see the good in this cancer.....in particular the chemo which I simply do not enjoy.....and wondering to myself......what do You want me to feel? I have decided.....that there are no mouth sores so I can continue to praise Him and speak so freely about my dependence on Him.....and foot sores......because God has a sense of humor.

12:53, Day #2

What is the significance of time? Well let's just say I am learning it right now. And the clock seems to be clicking out of control.

9 Days ago I had to call the "Pharmacy Specialist" of my insurance provider in order to get one of my medications distributed by them....so I did. I gave them all the info they asked for - Dr's name, pharmacy I use locally, date of birth, first child's blood type. You get the drill. the last thing I discussed with them was that I would have chemo on the 13th and would need to take this shot on the 14th...no later than 3:00pm (24 hours after chemo).

the shot is Neulasta - and it increases my white blood cell count. AND......while this may seem a bit odd....it helps me not feel so sick (funny, huh......considering days 3-11). At any rate, I showed up to the pharmacy this morning at 9:30 am - and they DID NOT have it!!! So I flew back to the office and started calling...won't bore you with ALL those details....but I am on hold right now - guess what the "pharmacy specialist" told me? She indicated that they couldn't get the insurance company to do an override. As you can imagine, my response was one of acceptance, patience, kindness, and calm. I informed her, quite eloquently, that this was not my fault - by her OWN admission, they had this prescription since last Wednesday and she didn't know WHY they had not responded. Therefore, the pharmacy needed to make arrangements to pay for the prescription. And now........Now I have been on hold for 13 minutes while she tries to find someone.....and she was back. To tell me that Kate will be calling me shortly.

I see why people give up - they know I have to do this injection within the next 1 hour and 50 minutes....regardles of who pays - which means if I have to pay $600 instead of $60, then I will. And they know that. But what they do not know, is that they have unleashed something they simply will not be able to contend with - you know....some call it having a higher power. I call it Jesus.

And the phone rang again.....Kate is working on it - I have NO IDEA why I am so calm right now (that is such a lie - I know EXACTLY why I am so calm.......God is in control). This is actually a really good feeling.....complete submission - which I did not have at 9:45 this morning when I ran inito David's office BAWLING....

And the phone rang AGAIN....it was Kate - they got it approved. Holy cow God moves fast. What was I thinking? I wish I would have submitted to Him about three hours ago!!! I may have thought twice about eating that Big N Tasty from McDonalds....which I will SOOO pay for later!!!

Bald Is Beautiful

This is my friend Troy, the DJ. That is what the girls call him - so, we have sort of followed suit!! He is a dear friend of David and I - and if you look closely, you will probably recognize him. He has played DJ at MANY weddings and parties over the years......and we sort of think he is the best at that!! Anyway.......

I received an email from Troy some time ago saying he would like to go to chemo with me (all I could think of was he must be deranged....why else would he want to waste a day doing that????) So, #4 chemo - Troy took me. And, as you can tell....he is bald. He didn't used to be bald - but he did it so I wouldn't have to be bald alone. I told him that was totally cool (and I am very humbled by it) - but that I felt sort of bad...I mean - I have other bald friends (Ken - you have the most beautiful bald head I know!!!) And after being bald myself - now I know why I used to always want to rub Ken's head....I think I used to drive him nuts! (Ken - I am so sorry!!!). Although - Gracie rubs my head now...and I actually REALLY like it!!!!

Okay - I digress. Troy and I had a great day. I actually received some very encouraging news from my doctor. I was visiting with Dr. Michel prior to the chemo infusion and we were talking specificallly about how I feel terrible between days 3-11. Of course - every patient is different. I said that maybe I was a little depressed due to the lack of lifting and good exercise.....and I have gained 10 pounds in 3 months.....and then.....well, he told me that he has another patient that is going through the EXACT same regimen as me. She hasn't had one day of nausea, pain, discomfort (of course I am jumping up and down wanting to know WHAT IS SHE DOING???????) - And then, in a way only he could say it, he proclaimed "the only difference between you and her is that she weighs 300 pounds." Well.....'nuf said. I'll take a little nausea over that any day. Seriously - do I really want to gain another 150 pounds just to feel better? yeah - that's what I thought.

And I was happy about something else yesterday, as well. I had another "boob fill". They put in 24 ounces (I think 4 pounds of my weight gain are in these boobs!!!). I was a bit freaked out because for the first time I could visibly see them expanding - and it was sooooo cool.......I thought for sure that by looking at them I was a size "b". So the first thing I did this morning.....was put on my size "b" bra. And guess what???? I am still just a big size "a". I could NOT believe that. It has caused me to re-think the size I want to be. And the guy who requested the 44DD (not naming names, Danny)....well.....it will be a cold day you-know-where....before that EVER happens. Seriously - that is just a not-in-this-lifetime thing for me. Moving on.......

The night ended with a drive to Quincy to watch the Freshmen basketball team play. I wish there was more to say....but it just wasn't our night. My son forgot his uniform and called another set of parents to turn around and go get it....and they did (God Bless You Phil and Cindy). I had actually told Austin that David was riding with them.....(I didn't know at the time that he wasn't) ....anyway - I wish David HAD been riding with them - he would have told them to forget it. I usually don't remember much about the day of chemo...they give me a LOT of drugs.....I am sort of hoping I forget a lot about last night.

Day 1 of chemo #4 was great. I loved it. And I really do like my bald head. It figures - one of the only features about my body I like....and in about 7 or 8 months I won't be able to see it anymore......and the cycle continues!

Thank you for your kind words, your prayers, and your never-ending smiles. I can't tell you how much you mean to me.....God Bless you!!!!

I apologize for the lay-out. This is what happens when I post photos - I have worked on trying to make it more reader-friendly for the past 30 minutes!!!!

Love Life....Day 14

The other day I received an email from my friend Kim....she had a gift for me and wanted to know if she should mail it or come over. Well.....of course I said to come over. Quite frankly, getting to visit with a friend is the best gift I could receive - so I was very glad to take her up on that.

She arrived with her daughter, Tally....who my daughters immediately began to interrogate (and drive nuts)...or so I thought. It was actually a bit hysterical. Tally came into the room where we were visiting to give updates every 15 minutes on what was going on with the girls...(I am still laughing). Anyway....it was a perfect evening.....and the gift...

Kim gave me a ring with an inscription on it. The outside of the ring says "Love Life" and the inside says "Be Brave." I have worn it every day since. You know, as a hormonal woman my instinct has been to stay at home and hide the first 11 days after chemo. Seriously - you don't want to see me, anyway. I am simply not very nice....so I don't love life on those days....or, at least I think my actions might say I don't love life. And brave??? Brave is sporting a 100 pound backpack and trekking through the mountains of Afghanistan looking for some really bad people.....brave is taking chemo knowing your chance of living is very slim...but you would do anything to stay alive. I can think of a lot of definitions for brave - and not one of them applies to me. However, the idea humbles me. I want to be brave.....I really do.

Tomorrow.....when they stick in the needle and I start to feel the effects.... (It is pretty immediate - and, quite frankly, not so bad. Because the first thing I feel is like I am higher than a kite. They tell me this is the medicine that keeps me from feeling sick. I think it is the medicine that makes me nice for a couple of days - I am really happy on day 1. ) Anyway.....back to the point. When I get stuck and I start to think about my kids....which is what I do. I will remember to love everything about the moment - it is allowing me to keep the only life I have.

Defense Defense

Well, it is basketball season around here....and we love it at the McCartney household!! I wish there were games every night of the week.....(yes, I am one of those moms.) Last night was another Freshmen game - which is so nice for our boys. We have 6 on the team and they play so well together - I think they are a ton of fun to watch. The dads, however, are struggling a bit. You know the old saying - the best offense is a good defense. (I don't know if that is the saying - but it works here....so I am going with it) Unfortunately, I guess our boys don't use the balls of their feet and they get burned a lot on the baseline (hey - I still think they are fantastic!!) and.....defense has not been our strongpoint. While this may be important on the court, I am very proud of them for taking an "offensive" attitude. They are winners and getting better every day! (Keep it up, Saukees!!!)

Which brings me to my point.....defense. This little issue I have been dealing with since September has been an opportunity for me to take the offense. Ok - I can't really take credit for that - it's easy to take the offense when you have put the ALMIGHTY ONE in charge (thanks, God!!) However, I am human. And as a result, lately I have taken to the defensive and it's not something I think I want to talk about.....but I need to talk about it - it shows God's goodness and Grace, even for me. It shows what happens when I start thinking with my head instead of my heart - and believing, for SOME reason, that I can actually get more accomplished than He can. (I need an attitude adjustment....don't tell my kids - they will run for the wooden spoon.)

I am not going to belabor the facts of chemo and how it effects my body. Let me just say - I have struggled with the lack of "good feelings" I was expecting. I am, however, a poker face, so I can get through a lot of that when talking to peopleother than my family.....it's when I am enclosed within the four walls of my home in the presence of my family....that another side of me has gone on the.......defense. (maybe I am trying to sugarcoat this.....I have been a real toot lately.)

This weekend I found myself being short with Sophie (Please - of all the issues....I completely think being short with her is justified. She put finger nail polish on nearly every surface in our home....she is LUCKY it was me....her dad would have thrown her out the window!) And that is just the tip....the problem is I have become short with everyone in the house. I KNOW I am doing it - and yet I keep doing it.....yelling, swatting, and not being very kind to David. Let's just say, in my opinion, over the past several weeks, God has been quite disappointed in my behaviour. So much so that I was convinced He probably wished He could take my family away from me.......and then He sent a message.....this is how GREAT He works....

Yesterday (in the vehicle, holding the wooden spoon which seems to get a reaction out of Sophie now) I turned to WIBI and what did I hear? Some lady saying this, "Remember - God does not love you based on how you feel about yourself. He loves you unconditionally - no matter what - no matter how many times you mess up......" OK OK OK.....I lost it a little there. I have to admit, it's nice to know that the "God Police" won't be showing up anytime soon - I would be taken away for sure, However, the God of Love is here....and I don't need to play defense for Him - He already won the GAME!!!!!!! I am so blessed....I pray you are, as well.......

Day Three - No Stolen Moments

Prior to having surgery for the bilateral mastectomy on October 29th, I remember having a conversation with my brother-in-law, Ed, about "day 3" after surgery. There is an unwritten rule that day three seems to be the toughest day - maybe it has something to do with all of the hard core drugs finally draining from your system and your body waking up....and starting to feel the pain. Well, I remember waiting for that moment on my day 3....and while I was in pain, it didn't seem to be as monumental as I had anticipated. So, while the "day 3" theory did not hold a lot of water for me after my surgery....it seems to hold a ton of ice when it comes to chemo.

I was so excited this week - Day 1, Jill and I actually stopped at Macy's at the Mid Rivers Mall and did a little shopping....Day 2 was New Year's Eve. I felt so good that my husband took me to see ValKyrie and out for DQ....and on our way to the show he had me call the kids and tell them that the whole family would go to the show on New Years Day to See "Marley and Me." Needelss to say, they were thrilled with that phone call!

And then I woke up New Year's Day - and I could already tell that something wasn't quite right. My first clue was when I wanted to rip David's head off over some silly insoles. I was banging around the house, trying not to snap at the kids, taking my drugs, and praying that the terrible nausea I was feeling would disappear. I decided to just ignore it. I went to the kitchen - and David was saying something about the insoles again and I lost it. I told him he could go to the show by himself with the kids (why would I say that....) He just responded that he figured he would anyway. (Ok - that told me that I must have been in a real sour mood all morning!!!)

I was helping to get the kids ready - and David wanted to leave. It was noon and he wanted to get lunch before the movie. I said to wait and I would go too....David replied, "NO....you don't feel good - you can just stay here." TO which I responded by flying into my bedroom, flopping on the bed, and starting to bawl. Yikes - why in the world was I letting this happen? I kept thinking if I would just ignore the nausea, everything would be fine. All I can say it that in the next few moments - it is a good thing that David didn't act like a man....you know - just get the kids and leave. he actually came into the bedroom and told me that if I didn't feel good I could stay at home - but if I wanted to go, I could join them. I knew this was NOT a time to be more dramatic. SO, I hopped up, but on my turban and away we all went (well - they had to wait on me for a few minutes. I may feel nauseous, but I still have to primp!!).

We went to lunch and then the show - and the kids were so good. We actually ended up at Wal-Mart (had to get those insoles taken care of). We were home by 5pm and I slept until this morning at 8am.....but all I can say is that I am SO THANKFUL I did not let the chemo steal that moment for me. 2009 is going to be a great year - and I was so looking forward to doing the family thing that day - and I got to do it!!! Day 3....no big deal.

You see, on the 3rd day, God not only created dry land and seas, but the land began creating vegetation - seed bearing trees according to their kinds. All of this on day 3. SURELY I can handle a little nausea.....I suppose it is all about perspective - and I need to focus a little more outward and a lot less inward.....

Happy New Year - I pray for you many blessings in 2009 - there is no doubt this will be the best year of my life yet.....and I pray you can say the same.