Faith

I woke up Tuesday morning...and I believed. It is what God has called me to do. Please understand - believeing is something I have down my whole life - I was "born into it"...THANK GOD....but believing took on a whole new meaning for me September 26, 2008. On Tuesday I woke up believing.

I suppose by now you are asking yourself..."What in the heck does she mean?" Well, let me explain. I believed God would provide all of the resources necessary for me to make it through the day. I hoped he would continue to bestow countless blessings on those around me. Where does this belief and hope come from??? Faith.

So, back to Tuesday. I grabbed my trusty chemo bag (the ONLY bag I carry to chemo now!!!), jumped in David's vehicle with my pillow and bag in hand, and headed to Siteman. David - he really has the easy part. He can put the car on auto-pilot now and we can take a nap together. It is sweet - truly sweet. Sorry - chemo brain in action...I tend to digress more and more. I suppose if this were being given a grade....I would most likely fail for "failure to stay focused."

"How was Tuesday?" you are asking yourself......let me start at the end. Since I have faith which allows me to believe and hope when others may not, I can tell you there was a silver lining at the end - but the road to get there was carved with a bunch of crap...sorry if you are offended by crap - but I could have said something much worse - I toned it down!!

The last three trips to Siteman we have had problems getting my blood to flow from the port. I had to take deep breaths, lean back, raise my arm, turn to my side, breathe again, and then have the silly thing stuck further (holy cow that really, really, really did not feel good)......unfortunately that stuff didn't work this time. After about 20 needles of saline, they decided to give me Activase.....it would just take about 20-30 minutes and then the blood would flow. Okay - it did....so off to a rocky start, but no big deal - I really don't get worked up over that stuff...ESPECIALLY since the nurses are SO FANTASTIC!!!!! I say that with the kindest of hearts. They truly are! Today - Sandy was no exception. AND...she looked just like a friend of mine from high school - Becky Dunnagan...or Daniel now....weird - I kept wanting to call her Becky. (sorry - once again I digress.) The activase....my only issue was I KNEW I would be going pee ALL DAY LONG....and I was right. God provided.....I Believed he would.

Then I went to see my oncologist, Dr. Michel. OH MY GOSH!!! This guy had the best sense of humor today. (I didn't know he had one - so to see it was truly a gift.) I was a little taken aback. He was joking about my ice cream and how he could counsel me to LOSE weight - eating nothing but ice cream. Because, as he put it, "At the end of the day it is calories in and calories out. Portion control - yes, that is what it is. " I told him that theory would hold water - if I didn't eat half a gallon....and I actually had a DESIRE to portion control. Therein lies the problem, Dr. Michel.....I DON'T want to be controlled!!! But - he had a sense of humor. I had hoped that would happen - that was truly a blessing from God!!!!

Renee was not my nurse today. Now, I could start boo-hooing here and complaining, but I won't . Why - because God uses her. And someone else needed her more on chemo day than I did. How could I be even remotely upset about that - I KNOW how special she is.....

I was humbled to be in a room with at least two other patients who are fighting for their lives. Hospitalizations, inability to take the sickness the chemo brings, and the nagging thoughts of wondering when their bodies will give out....or give in. But WOW did they have spirit. One fella drives from Jefferson City....and he is there all day. We had some nice conversations about somoking in restaurants...you know - it all comes down to eating. They may be fighting the battle of their lives...for their life....but eating is STILL a priority. That is why I know they will win!!

And I almost forgot to share with you.....my chemo started 3 hours late. I think the hospital was sick yesterday. I typically get very worked up about doctors offices being THAT FAR behind....I would most likely just leave. But, I have to admit - I just don't get worked up at the chemo center....and, to top it off, Laura came in to tell me they were schedulinig my next three appointments and she was wondering if I had a time preference. Now THAT knocked me off my socks - 11 treatments and I have never been asked for a time preference. So, I told her - first thing in the morning!!! When I awakened 4 hours later I asked David if they had brought the schedule...he said no. Well, the assistant overheard me and told me it was on the desk next to my chair. I picked it up and you will never guess what I read. My next two appointments start at 2:00 PM. I can not even begin to describe to you the heat flowing through my body - but I think the horns popping out of my head were a nice pre-cursor to what flowed from my mouth.

I eloquently asked...."Is this a joke?" To which she replied with a blank stare...so I continued...,"For the first time in 12 weeks, I was asked for a time preference and was given the WORST times EVER....I have never had an appt past 12:15, and the last 4 have been at 8, 8:30, or 9:15....all of that without even asking." She replied that Sandra and Joyce do the scheduling and I could talk to them. I asked her if one of them could come in and talk to me - "oh NOOOOO they wouldn't do that." Okay. I looked around and of the 200 patients that were given chemo that day I was the ONLY ONE LEFT....so, I asked myself, "she can't get off her butt WHY???" But I didn't say it. Well, maybe my eyes said it for me.

They finished my treatment and I was free to go....so I went to Sandra who had my chart from the assistant. Actually, that isn't true - my chart was laying to the side. She had obviously been working hard on it. She saw me approach. I looked at her, smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Becky McCartney....." and before I could get another word out of my mouth she grabbed my chart, looked at me and said, "I cain't move your appointment. I don't have any other times available. If I put you at 8am I only have one hour." I wish I could tell you that at this point I was kind. Not really. I grabbed my schedule and turned and left. Oh that is not true, I rolled my eyes, slammed my hand on the desk to grab the chart, and THEN I left....I really, really, really wanted to lay into her - especially since it had been a very long day....but what would that have accomplished? Not to mention - shouldn't I lead by example? I wanted to lead her alright - but it had nothing to do with "example." So I walked away.

But have no fear - this is a Saukee mom on chemo and this little episode was NOT over. I marched my happy rear-end to the front desk and requested Caroline's number. Caroline is the coordinator for the clinical trial I am on. I got the number and called......I could have had her paged but thought better of it - I didn't think my current crisis constituted the type of "emergency" she was referring to when she mentioned in her voicemail that she could be paged. I very calmly repeated the events of the day and told her, quite frankly, that my son had a banquet AND a concert on the 17th and if they didn't change the time, I wouldn't be there. Well, I haven't heard from her yet.....maybe I should give her a ring. I don't think missing is an option.

I told you in the beginning there is always a silver lining - that is the great thing about faith. I believe and I have hope....and I still do. I am a bit disappointed that I was unable to keep a smile on my face the whole time.....but I AM PROUD that I didn't physically remove that woman from behind her desk and mash her mouth.....that would have been totally uncool (but would have felt REAAALLLL NIIICCEEEE.)

When I take me or "I" out of the equation and focus on the person or persons I am dealing with.....I realize that maybe we are not on the same playing field. God sends gentle reminders....as he did today...that He is in control and the road won't always be a smooth one....but He will always be the driver....if I just let Him......THANK GOD!!

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey - I truly love you.