Menopause, sickness and The Bench

I know this might not be the best title for an entry, but I know myself well enough to know that as much as I will try NOT to talk about it, I will keep coming back to it - I have a tendency of doing that. The way I see it, 41 is WAY TOO YOUNG for someone to be going through menopause....and for all of you who think this is normal, it most certainly is NOT....I thought the heat flashes were from the chemo...no...no no no no no.....the heat flashes are what my ovarian oncologist referred to as "pre-menopausal" and while it is not unheard of, it is uncommon...most women do no start going through the pre-stages until they are 50. Chemo has a way of jump-starting the process sometimes....

It wouldn't have mattered anyway..... I will be "postal" with menopause after June 4th because Dr. Thaker will be removing my ovaries and she will be all over!!! I will say this - I am so thankful for that. I must admit that I think it is better to go through it all at once as opposed to at separate times...chemo, menopause, a boob job.....yeah - I am thankful....I can't differentiate one from the other....so this is a great thing (although not recommended if you have a choice).

And I want to take a few minutes to apologize for not blogging for awhile - but I have been sick for a little more than two weeks...and I am a bit miffed at my regular oncologist (I see him every three weeks.) I told him more than two weeks ago that I had an infection in my body and would be getting sick.....I could feel it. He examined me and told me that he thought it was virul - the nurse told me to wash my hands - and he said this was all normal...blah blah blah blah blah. I say this - no one knows my body better than I do. And for the past two weeks I could literally barely get out of bed because of this "virus." I was sleeping all morning and having to be home in the afternoon. My doctor told me at the time I could no longer work out. I could walk two miles at a time at 3.0 to 3.5 mph.....because the chemo is a shock to my system and now I think that instead of fighting the infection, my body was using its energy for my workouts (or maybe I was doing that). Anyway - by this past Friday I felt so sick I did not want to get out of bed. By Saturday afternoon it was all over. I called the oncologist oncall on Sunday and by 10:30am had a z-pack started in my system. THANK GOD....because the infection had gone to my chest - I knew it eventually would.... at any rate... a long story to tell you I am sorry!! And to remind everyone to take control of your own medical care. I know doctors are smart - but they do NOT know you better than you know yourself - I don't care WHAT the stethoscope is telling them!!!

And so much happened over the past two weeks. As you know, my sister flew in to surprise everyone, Karen came out to take some photos and see the kids - and others, as well. She got to visit with David Harbin and Missy McDannald.....high school classmates....and Art and Betty Nergenah, and Roy Allen. I am not sure how she had time to see us!!!! But we had a great time while she was here...we even road tripped to the band competition in Carlinville with Heather Hayden - now THAT was a cool girls' road trip!!! To top it off, Bella ended her basketball season (5 weeks) on Saturday. Evidently she threw some boy across the floor as he was trying to steal the ball from her...he obviously had not been exposed to her competitive side. yeah - don't try to take the ball from Bella. She won't let you have it!! (Of course, I was at home in bed moaning....not sure why since no one was there to listen....kind of like the tree in the forest.)

And then today was chemo. Diana sent my bag stuff for today!!! A Peanut Butter bunny, licorice, a book....and a blizzard card!!! Yeah - its all gone. You know me - I dig into that stuff!!! And I really want to tell you about the bench.

I know I have talked about the bench before. It is where David and I sit every week - it is where I was sitting when I heard the man call his family a couple of weeks ago. It is where I sat today...and nearly fell asleep I was so tired. Funny - David and I went down yesterday to see the ovarian oncologist and decided to just stay since we had to be back at 8:30 this morning. That was a good call on our part......anyway. I was on the bench by myself because I told David to just take his time......

And I had the best thoughts while I was sitting there. You see. Beth - my friend from high school who is a rock in my life - used to sit there with her dad. And I was sitting there today when I realized it is where I was sitting when I was waiting for Beth and her dad to walk in for chemo...the morning he passed away. It is where I was sitting when Kim sent the text about Jim. And I had this thought. Yes - Jim has gone to be with God, but Jim didn't die - his body did. He never gave up - and his spirit is alive and well and kicking at Siteman....and with every other person who had the chance to fight with him......and know him. I sat there and I could HEAR their conversations. I think it went something like this:

Beth: Now, dad. I am going to go get you a blizzard. And you are going to eat it. I know you you aren't hungry today. But you know the alternative isn't good...and I am not talking about losing weight - I am talking about me kicking your butt and everyone here seeing it.

Jim: (completely speechless he simply looks at her and smiles" Yes - whatever you say, Beth (as he chuckles)

Yeah - I have no idea what was said on that bench, but I heard a lot today and it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me SO THANKFUL that God has the power to share - and He knows just what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. And I needed to hear her dad today. Someone who didn't know what giving up meant. He never did - I want that fight in me for everything.......and sitting on that bench has changed my life over the past 20 weeks......thank you, God....for giving me that bench. Please share it with others as You have with me.

God bless you.....now go sit on your bench and simply listen. You will be amazed at what He has to share with you.