Survivor Guilt. I can't explain it - I don't think I ever felt guilty for surviving. I felt guilty for being thankful that I didn't die.....especially when I was witnessing those who WERE going to die. I know that was a mouthful - does it make any sense?
Yesterday David and I drove to Ft. Madison, Iowa to visit MariJane. She used to work for David and Bill for YEARS in the real estate business - and she is a fantastic woman. We often refer to her as the "Queen of Real Estate". Actually - anyone who knew her in her prime refers to her as the same. She is top notch.
She moved away from Pittsfield about 6 years ago and I am ashamed to say....we had never it up to see her. Until yesterday. And this trip - well.......this trip had to happen. You see, MariJane called us about 4 weeks ago to tell us that her daughter, Carolyn, had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. STOP!!!!!! Of course, my first thought was - phooey.....we will pray her through this. God can change anything.....He can.
So, I prayed about this trip about sharing Jesus with Carolyn and changing her life - about showering her with the love of Jesus. And letting her know that the one thing you can always count on is Him (well....dying and paying taxes........but even taxes can be skirted.) I met Carolyn about 7 years ago. She had shown up to help her mom sell her properties - and David was buying them. He had always admired MariJane's things and was looking forward to carrying on her traditions. It was an interesting meeting - I liked Carolyn from the start. Think of the most strong-willed person you have ever met and I promise you....they do not hold a candle to Carolyn!!! She and I really hit it off!!!
Yesterday David and I were expecting to see a very sick Carolyn......I had envisioned a sick woman, unable to eat, or function.....because this cancer is aggressive and it is eating her insides. We showed up at MariJane's and high-tailed it over to Carolyn's house. When we walked in - there she was, sitting at the kitchen table getting her hair cut!! And I must tell you - she was more beautiful than I had ever seen her. Now, I had only met her once - but I had seen photos - and WOW did she look great!!! It was hard for me to imagine that she is dying - and according to the doctors will be gone very soon.......
I just had to write to tell you about her because the visit was so profound - I went there expecting to share something to "rock her world." And before the day was over - she had rocked mine. We were standing at the door to leave and it was simply hard to walk away (no tears, by the way - that would have ticked Carolyn off.....NO TEARS ALLOWED!!!) I looked her and our conversation went something like this:
ME: "Carolyn - you truly are a remarkable woman. I came here today to tell you how much I love you and how much Jesus loves you...and you have taken my breath away with your strength and courage. NO ONE could handle what you are living like you have done. Your family is truly blessed."
CAROLYN: "Well, I see it like this. We are only here for a very short time. And in that time I believe we need to love as much as we can, learn as much as we can, and give as much as we can. If we are not doing that, then we are not doing something right."
I feel so blessed to have spent that two hours with her - and as I left I told her it was my hope that we would see each other again. I believe in miracles and I believe God will make her well. I don't know how that will happen - maybe a miracle on earth, or maybe not......but what I DO know....is HE is changing the lives of every person that has the opportunity to know her. I thank God that HE gave me that chance.
Daisy for Halloween!
13 years ago
2 comments:
I suspect Carolyn came away with a wonderful gift that day as well. KB
Becky,
I was looking for something on my computer and found your blog address. I'm so sorry I haven't written for so long, but you have been in my heart and my prayers regardless. I was so happy to read about the good news with your tests and that the surgeries have gone well. I know how stressful waiting for the test results can be - Jack just had bloodwork done last week and everything is about the same - counts are in the low normal range but are staying pretty constant, so the leukemia is still in remission. We both got our flu shots last week and are waiting to see when the H1H1 becomes available so we can get that. I felt so proud of you when I got your invitation to the fund raiser - we were spending some time with our grandson, Jack, in Springfield and were unable to come, but I thought to myself, "That sounds just like Becky to do something like this!" I hope that the breast reconstruction went well and that you are recovering from that without any problem. I read about your bone and joint pain, and I remember that when my mom was on Taxol she had a lot of pain, but the cancer had moved to her bones so some of it was that, I'm sure. I know how hard it can be to make yourself stay with the protocol when you are having side effects that sometimes seem worse than the disease - I get interferon injections every Thursday after school that sometimes make me so sick it is almost unbearable and I am tempted to just quit them and "see what happens". Then I remind myself that for 13 years I prayed that God help the doctors find something that would help treat the MS, and He did. So it would be pretty ungrateful of me not to trust that He is going to see me through the difficult hours that sometimes come. And I thank Him every day that I can still get out of bed and go to school and work in my garden and pick up my grandson and carry him and get up with him in the middle of the night when he has "overnights at Grammy and Papa's house". (He isn't talking yet but that's what we call ourselves for him!) So we take the good with the bad and just keep living one day at a time and enjoying and appreciating every minute. I will continue to keep you in my prayers and will try to be more diligent about checking in with you. Take care and be strong - Love you! Patty
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