Where do we go from here?

Wow - sorry for the long delay.....I suppose there aren't a lot of you still following this since I haven't written in so long.....I am so sorry - but thank you for everything!!

My last chemo was April 14th - HALLELUJAH!!! I actually feel better every day. I sang a song with Sophie last night (Jesus Loves Me) and for the first time in 7 months my throat didn't hurt - I could actually sing a song! I can not tell you how wonderful that felt. And there are little blessings such as this every day.

I find it interesting that a lot of things have happened to my body in just the last 3-4 weeks. I had a horrific looking rash all over my arms. The remnants of it are still there - I actually think it may have scarred....and boy does it look lovely....and I have canker sores, numbness all over, and a few other issues. But all in all - they are going away and I feel FANTASTIC! I feel so good that I am not even going to complain about the fact I get no sleep. Yes - it is the menopause. I have night sweats that produce enough liquid to drench the Sahara. And when I'm not sweating I'm teetering between hot and cold. The bad news - is for my kids. Their mom is going through menopause and they get yelled at sometimes for no apparent reason. The good news is that their mom will not be going through menopause when they are in high school (the girls). I knew it was bad when Austin stood up the other day and left the room because he said he didn't like my attitude!! The best part is that I absolutely KNEW I was being a little contradictory...I simply could not help myself.

Where do we go? Well, I had a follow-up with my oncologist and he said if I was having a hard time dealing with the chemo being over then they could recommend counseling. I literally laughed out loud. I said, and I quote, "listen, I am totally NOT having a hard time with this. I am glad it is over. I praise God for the good reports. I KNOW why I am doing so well. I just want to know if there is anything specific I should or should not be doing." He smiled....and recommended a new clinical trial.

Now, you might be thinking - is she crazy? Of course I am, but that is beside the point. This clinical trial involves bisphosphonates, which are given to patients with osteoperosis. The drug is also given to patients who have bone cancer and they have seen some great results. I should start by sharing with you my inspiration. As you know, I have triple negative disease and my cancer would not respond to any hormones. Also, because of my triple negative disease, studies show that my best chance for recurrence is in the next two years. And, if cancer does come back it will most likely come back in my liver, pancreas, or bones. I will be on this trial for three years - and I have EVERY intention of NOT getting cancer again!!! And at the end of the day, this should help give me some really strong bones!

Thank you so much for continuing to love me, support my decisions, and pray for me. I can not tell you how much that means. I will be back....I have some photos to share with you of when Austin went to chemo with me.......

God Bless you and your day!

March 29th Snowstorm

So, Robin showed up for the weekend to surprise us - and she brought snow from freakin Florida!!! Bella was at Sunday School, so Aunt Robin built snowmen with Gracie and Sophie. I wanted to share with you - by suppertime the snow was gone and the girls were in shorts!!

What are friends for?

Karen recently came for a short visit and while she was here...she cut her hair!! No - she shaved her hair. Austin helped her do it. She thought it would make me feel better. Now - I have had two friends shave their head for me!! thank you Troy and Karen....I don't know what to say!!! Except - isn't it GREAT to be bald!! It really does feel good........and I included a photo of Karen WITH hair so you could see what she used to look like!!!

A few dates to remember

My first surgery will be June 4th. I am having my Ooopherectomy that day - you gotta love that name!! Dr. Thaker will remove my ovaries and my filopian tubes. I am not having a complete hysterectomy. It is not necessary since I am not having any trouble in that area and there is no connection between the BRCA1 gene and cancer of the uterus. I was very happy to hear this - because it is not normal to remove these organs. The uterus actually helps to hold up the bladder and some other stuff as well (can't remember all she said). I was just happy to hear Iwon't have to have a complete hysterectomy!!

Now, the breast reconstruction....will occur in September. Because of possible bacteria in the blood stream after the ooopherectomy we must wait 3 months. If bacteria were to land on my reconstruction job it would be a very, very bad thing!! So - I chose to have the ovaries removed first because I think it is by far the most important of the two surgeries. I will, however, have to watch it when I give people hugs. I hugged Nelsie good-bye at the airport the other day and literally bruised her chest where she hit my boobs!! I told you they were like brick-bats. I bet if the law were to inspect these suckers they would make me register them as weapons....

And, finally, we are planning a party. I would really like to have people get together to celebrate - life, recovery, survivorship, and hope. And it will be SO NICE to not be tired anymore!! So, mark your calendars for August 22nd.....and I will have more details forthcoming. I love you - and you are invited to share with me!! I figure, you have been on this journey with me - we need to celebrate together!!!

I have a lot to share with you - my last chemo today, my son, my friend Karen shaving her head, Easter.....so, tomorrow I plan to put on some photos and share!!! Thanks for being there...have a super day!!!

Menopause, sickness and The Bench

I know this might not be the best title for an entry, but I know myself well enough to know that as much as I will try NOT to talk about it, I will keep coming back to it - I have a tendency of doing that. The way I see it, 41 is WAY TOO YOUNG for someone to be going through menopause....and for all of you who think this is normal, it most certainly is NOT....I thought the heat flashes were from the chemo...no...no no no no no.....the heat flashes are what my ovarian oncologist referred to as "pre-menopausal" and while it is not unheard of, it is uncommon...most women do no start going through the pre-stages until they are 50. Chemo has a way of jump-starting the process sometimes....

It wouldn't have mattered anyway..... I will be "postal" with menopause after June 4th because Dr. Thaker will be removing my ovaries and she will be all over!!! I will say this - I am so thankful for that. I must admit that I think it is better to go through it all at once as opposed to at separate times...chemo, menopause, a boob job.....yeah - I am thankful....I can't differentiate one from the other....so this is a great thing (although not recommended if you have a choice).

And I want to take a few minutes to apologize for not blogging for awhile - but I have been sick for a little more than two weeks...and I am a bit miffed at my regular oncologist (I see him every three weeks.) I told him more than two weeks ago that I had an infection in my body and would be getting sick.....I could feel it. He examined me and told me that he thought it was virul - the nurse told me to wash my hands - and he said this was all normal...blah blah blah blah blah. I say this - no one knows my body better than I do. And for the past two weeks I could literally barely get out of bed because of this "virus." I was sleeping all morning and having to be home in the afternoon. My doctor told me at the time I could no longer work out. I could walk two miles at a time at 3.0 to 3.5 mph.....because the chemo is a shock to my system and now I think that instead of fighting the infection, my body was using its energy for my workouts (or maybe I was doing that). Anyway - by this past Friday I felt so sick I did not want to get out of bed. By Saturday afternoon it was all over. I called the oncologist oncall on Sunday and by 10:30am had a z-pack started in my system. THANK GOD....because the infection had gone to my chest - I knew it eventually would.... at any rate... a long story to tell you I am sorry!! And to remind everyone to take control of your own medical care. I know doctors are smart - but they do NOT know you better than you know yourself - I don't care WHAT the stethoscope is telling them!!!

And so much happened over the past two weeks. As you know, my sister flew in to surprise everyone, Karen came out to take some photos and see the kids - and others, as well. She got to visit with David Harbin and Missy McDannald.....high school classmates....and Art and Betty Nergenah, and Roy Allen. I am not sure how she had time to see us!!!! But we had a great time while she was here...we even road tripped to the band competition in Carlinville with Heather Hayden - now THAT was a cool girls' road trip!!! To top it off, Bella ended her basketball season (5 weeks) on Saturday. Evidently she threw some boy across the floor as he was trying to steal the ball from her...he obviously had not been exposed to her competitive side. yeah - don't try to take the ball from Bella. She won't let you have it!! (Of course, I was at home in bed moaning....not sure why since no one was there to listen....kind of like the tree in the forest.)

And then today was chemo. Diana sent my bag stuff for today!!! A Peanut Butter bunny, licorice, a book....and a blizzard card!!! Yeah - its all gone. You know me - I dig into that stuff!!! And I really want to tell you about the bench.

I know I have talked about the bench before. It is where David and I sit every week - it is where I was sitting when I heard the man call his family a couple of weeks ago. It is where I sat today...and nearly fell asleep I was so tired. Funny - David and I went down yesterday to see the ovarian oncologist and decided to just stay since we had to be back at 8:30 this morning. That was a good call on our part......anyway. I was on the bench by myself because I told David to just take his time......

And I had the best thoughts while I was sitting there. You see. Beth - my friend from high school who is a rock in my life - used to sit there with her dad. And I was sitting there today when I realized it is where I was sitting when I was waiting for Beth and her dad to walk in for chemo...the morning he passed away. It is where I was sitting when Kim sent the text about Jim. And I had this thought. Yes - Jim has gone to be with God, but Jim didn't die - his body did. He never gave up - and his spirit is alive and well and kicking at Siteman....and with every other person who had the chance to fight with him......and know him. I sat there and I could HEAR their conversations. I think it went something like this:

Beth: Now, dad. I am going to go get you a blizzard. And you are going to eat it. I know you you aren't hungry today. But you know the alternative isn't good...and I am not talking about losing weight - I am talking about me kicking your butt and everyone here seeing it.

Jim: (completely speechless he simply looks at her and smiles" Yes - whatever you say, Beth (as he chuckles)

Yeah - I have no idea what was said on that bench, but I heard a lot today and it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me SO THANKFUL that God has the power to share - and He knows just what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. And I needed to hear her dad today. Someone who didn't know what giving up meant. He never did - I want that fight in me for everything.......and sitting on that bench has changed my life over the past 20 weeks......thank you, God....for giving me that bench. Please share it with others as You have with me.

God bless you.....now go sit on your bench and simply listen. You will be amazed at what He has to share with you.

Nice Surprises

So last Friday I was driving to Pittsfield to get a massage and decided to call my sister - she had called while I was in the shower so I assumed she was on her way to work. She answered the phone and asked what I was doing. I told her...I was driving to Pittsfield....so I asked what she was doing...and she said she was on her way to my house!!!

Yes - that was a nice surprise!!! Robin has a way of making a big splash.....and it was a little extra sweet because she got to be here for Austin's 15th birthday party, Toni Surratt's 50th birthday celebration, and she also got to share in an experience with her friend Brenda. Brenda has a little girl...well, she isn't so little. She is 15 and a sophomore in high school...and very, very cute!! Jill (brenda's daughter) had to make a trip to Children's hospital to have some tests done. Robin went with them.....Jill has a heart condition that is quite serious. All I can say is this - I have seen the power of your prayers. I have felt the power of God rain down on me...and others....so now - I am asking that you add Jill to your list. If anyone can make this heart condition disappear....it is you, coming together to pray!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

So, Robin showed up, we got enough rain to flood the Tennessee Vally, and 4 inches of snow Saturday Night. I am telling you - when she comes around, things happen!!! But I wouldn't have changed this nice surprise for anything. And when she gets around to it, she will email the photo of her and the girls and Austin standing by the snowmen in our yard, that were gone by dinner time!!! I will be sure to post it!!

God Bless you....and have a great day!!! P.S. Got some great news at the doctor. Will post more later.

Dad's Tired

Okay, I am going to try and blog this one - no jokes - no attempts to be funny. Just want to share with you what I witnessed on Tuesday.

Tuesday was a late day. I spent the morning at the doctors office with Austin - he has all kinds of infections....and while I was a bit upset that chemo was not scheduled until 2pm, having my baby boy be sick and takinig him to the doctor - made the late appointment a blessing. So....God makes all things clear in time - and He is in the details....as He was for me over and over again on Tuesday.

David and I arrived and they got me right in to do the blood draw....it was about 1:00pm....so, we were thinking I could have the blood drawn (which usually takes about 2 mintues...to access the port and everything). Let's just say - 45 minutes later I joined David in the waiting room. The blood would not cooperate and in the end they had to give me Activase again...and they simply drew the blood from my arm so we wouldn't have to wait 30 mintues on the Activase....while I was also not thrilled with the arm-thing....I want to tell you - Dan the Man came in to draw my blood and for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE....I did not feel anything. I didn't feel the needle go in or come out....I guess the fact that he does it about 50 times every day had something to do with it - but he was amazing.

So....getting back on track. I told David to just go ahead and go to lunch and leave me there. I didn't leave because I knew they would call me in the next 20 minutes or so - and I for certain wanted to be getting in there so we could get out......

Now, let me paint a picture for you. About the first time we went to chemo David found a wooden bench located down the hallway next to the bathrooms. It is in front of the windows so there is a nice view of the street below....and it is completely quiet - not to mention, it is a bit more germ-less than the cloth seats. David and I sit here every time....it is just a nice space...away from it all.

Tuesday was no exception. I was sitting on the bench, doing a crossword, and waiting for my beeper to go off (they give you beepers just like you get at the restaurants when you are waiting for a table) when I heard a man approaching. I am not sure why - but I started listening to his conversation. He had obviously walked down this hallway so he could have some privacy. He was alone, on his cell phone, and his conversation went something like this:

"Hey, bud. This is dad and we just got out of the doctors office. It wasn't good news, but of course, you know we didn't think it was going to be good news. The chemo I have been taking is not working. The doctor said there is one more drug they can try and if it doesn't work I have 6-8 weeks. How do I feel? Well, bud, dad is tired. I told you last week I could feel the cancer taking over my body. I can't eat and this week I lost 6 more pounds. It just isn't good. When? Well, mom and I are going to stay today and they are going to do the treatment. But I want to tell you, son, that if I don't feel good after this I am not going to do it anymore. No, no I won't get to enjoy my golden years with you and the kids - but I love you - and I want my last days, whatever they may be, to be good ones. And, son, dad is tired. I am just very tired. Now, you know this is a phone call your mom just couldn't make. She is down in the cafeteria getting something to eat and she has been crying non-stop. She just can't talk to you right now. SO, I am going to hang up and call your sisters. We'll be home soon. I love you, too."

I was......relieved. I am so ashamed. I listened to this man and all I could think of was how thankful I was that I never had to make that phone call. And then I felt sick. I wanted to run up to him and scream - YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT....and realized I couldn't make that call. So, I just watched him - and before he could call his daughters he went into the waiting room and sat down. He looked as if he could cry - but he didn't. He was being the rock...waiting patiently for his wife to return. I couldn't even talk to David about this man - I tried, but I wanted to cry, so I stopped. But I have not stopped thinking about him - and I will be looking for him the next three weeks.....hoping and praying that he felt good after that chemo and that his body will give it a chance.

But he is a dad - and he is tired - and he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. What a strong, wonderful man. I love him and I know Jesus loves him and I will never forget the courage and strength that poured out of him during that phone call.....and I will pray, and I ask you to join me, that God will shower this man and his family with His grace and mercy....and a miracle. I believe it. And I don't even need to see it to know it will happen. You see - God was in all the details fo rme this day...blood not cooperating, the bench in the private area, me not going to lunch....God will be in the details for him, too.