Mouth Sores

At my first chemo session, David and I were given a "tutorial" on ...."What to expect when you are taking chemo." One of the highlights for me was learning about mouth sores. At the time, given my lack of experience taking chemo, I thought...."hey, this could be beneficial." Mouth sores mean I can't eat - which means I won't get big and fat from the steroids. (Will I ever quit obsessing about my weight? I venture to guess the answer to that is no.)

Looking back, there are several things I remember vividly about my mom's cancer. Mouth sores is one of them. There was one food in this world that she could not stand - that was yogurt. For weeks - many weeks - the only food she could eat......was yogurt. SO, here goes the guilt again - I am actually looking forward to getting mouth sores so all I can eat is yogurt? What is wrong with me?

Over the past few weeks my skin has become....very sensitive. My fingers actually hurt on the tips - I figure it is due in some part to this chemo....no other explanation. And the mouth sores? I had a couple a few weeks ago - but nothing that would keep me from eating normally.....no, I haven't had those mouth sores. No No No No No.......my sores aren't in my mouth......they are on the bottoms of me freakin feet!!

This is no joke. I am having a terrible time walking. It is actually a bit hysterical. I felt them coming on Saturday - well, I have felt the tenderness for awhile, and then Saturday Night....BOOM......can you believe this? I wished for mouth sores so I couldn't eat....and I was blessed with foot sores so I can't walk. Where is the irony here? I obviously have my priorities all messed up. I can tell you, for sure, my focus has been blurred (literally.....foggy when I wake up and open my eyes) - and when you aren't seeing things clearly, sometimes you need to be shook up. I guess I need to be shook up.

So, I am laying in bed - sitting on the couch....sitting in the pew at church....and at all of these times I am declaring......"LORD......I AM LISTENING......." Am I not hearing you? I am really trying to see the good in this cancer.....in particular the chemo which I simply do not enjoy.....and wondering to myself......what do You want me to feel? I have decided.....that there are no mouth sores so I can continue to praise Him and speak so freely about my dependence on Him.....and foot sores......because God has a sense of humor.