The Next Chapter

Well, I have come to the conclusion that chemo is the next chapter...yep....I want to get it into a chapter ALL BY ITSELF!!! I figure - I have the power to determine where it falls in the grand scheme of things...and I don't want it falling anywhere near the good stuff....so it is.

Chemo has been a lesson for me - albeit a funny one, believe it or not. (not TOTALLY funny) Picture this if you can. David and I enter the "pod" for our first chemo and there are 6 other patients there receiving some kind of chemotherapy. Now enters muah "foreign for 'me'" - and this is my first rodeo........so I decided to take it all in....and I did. This is what I witnessed...

A very nice, quiet lady in the bed next to mine - had already waited 3 hours for a 30 minute drip. All I could think was that I needed to take a dose of her "patience" pill. I think I would have wanted to wring someone's neck after an hour.....and she was there more than three. The lady directly across from me - 4 hour drip; the gentleman to the left of me - 4 years of cancer...92 rounds of chemo and still going....pretty good sense of humor, I might add....and then there was the classy lady who was in and out - looked like she might be late for an appt at the hairdresser (seriously - her wig was fantastic....and I am certain that in the midst of her chemo there wasn't ANYTHING stopping her regular routine...didn't know her yet - but I really liked her spunk). And so it went.

An observation I made was that NO ONE was eating - well, the occassional patient asked for pretzels or peanut butter crackers...but there wasn't ANYONE in that pod with Red Vine Licorice, peanuts, and a wrap from Applebee's...no, NO ONE but ME!!!!! I am absolutely certain they all left the pod that day and said to themselves, "New girl in pod #3...someone please send the barf bag home with her 'cause this darlin' ain't got a clue." And....uuuhhh....they would have been right.

And so it went..the meds weren't right...I am still battling the nausea, but this is SO MINOR in my opinion. I try to put this in perspective and this is the way I see it. Thirty years ago there was no such thing as a medicine for my mom to take to battle the nausea - she just did it.....and that woman NEVER complained. If you think for a second I am exaggeratting, just ask one of the more than two thousand people who attended her funeral....she was not a complainer. She was simply the most beautiful woman I have ever known......

Over the past few days I have asked myself several times - WHY in the world did I agree to a clinical trial? WHY did I get to be blessed with chemo over Christmas? Why do I have to be so darn tired? Okay - I see a terrible theme here and it is called SELF-INDULGENCE. It never worked for me before - and it isn't going to work for me now. For the clinical trial - this is my rationalization. My mom gave her life and very valuable research for cancer development......surely I can give 5 months - so that maybe a new standard can be created and even more lives saved in the future.

Christmas - I can think of NO better time than to endure this. I am humbled every morning at the beautiful reminder that many many years ago Mary gave birth to a tiny baby boy who lived - and died - for me. The pain or nausea is just a part of me right now - a small reminder that God loves me and had not forgotten me.....that......that is beautiful.

I have said it before and I will say it again - I feel guilty ever complaining (maybe that is why I reserve it for private moments with David....when he just understands I need to be a little tyrant - you know....for just a minute. Don't tell him - but I don't really feel the need to complain...just the need to hit on him for awhile!!!hehehehe). I believe it - I have learned very early that nearly every person I run into at the center for advanced medicine is worse off than me....and I pray their lives are as enriched as mine.......

I will continue to blog - and share...and thank you for taking this journey with me. All I know for sure is that the Grace of God comes to me daily through you - little graces you give me....(ie. Jill's dinner on the first day of my chemo when I could not move.....you are right, sister, I probably would not have called!!! Thanks for loving me) I have many many stories and look forward to sharing!!!!

Love, Becky