Becky's Blog

Clearly - having lost my hair has also caused me to take temporary leave of my senses....all of them....but I am speaking, in particular, regarding the sense of reason. The doctor said these drugs could cause "loopiness" and "temporary memory loss." Folks - I am here to tell ya'.....I think Doc knew what he was talking about.

SO it is December 23rd (Gracie and David and Mary's birthdays!!) and I have tried THREE times to go shopping with Jill to finish up a few "last minute" details. The last two times we were side-swiped by illness (me) and weather. Today was to be the day.....and I was bound and determined to go. And it wasn't about needing anything - I definately did not HAVE to have anything else.....I just wanted to see Jill - give her a gift....and let her see my baldness!!! I knew she would give me the "real deal."

When I woke up today I had predetermined to go - no matter how I felt. Quite an ignorant act on my part....because I really wanted to lie in bed again - all day. But NNNOOOOOO (temporary loss of reason). I took a shower (which, by the way, lasts 10 minutes less than it used to due to the no hair factor!), got dressed, put on make-up.....and went for the wig. NOT!! I thought - if I am going shopping this morning, I am going to be comfortable - so I grabbed a new hat that came in the mail yesterday - it is so......chic!! I guess you would say it is so NOT me!!! But I love it and I put it on with a scarf and away I went.

Jill and I started at Best Buy. She dropped me off at the door and parked the utility vehicle. For the common shopper viewing us from afar, we were clearly the brabie doll with her sick sister. (David told me that is why he hates the turbans.....they SCREAM - 'I HAVE CANCER') I entered Best Buy and in addition to my hat, gloves, and all of my gear, I put on the mask - and I could not believe the stares. They didn't bother me at all - I actually got a real laugh when I noticed the manager was following me. After about 5 minutes he approached and asked if there was something he could do for me. I said....nope....I am just standing here - admiring your merchandise while my girlfriend is looking. He said okay and walked away...later I thought to myself - did that guy think I was strying to steal? OMG!!! Who else thinks I am a thief in disguise? While the stares didn't bother me - that thought did.....here I was - stuck - I had to wear the mask.....every person I ran into was coughing, hacking, and blowing their nose - I had no choice. I had no choice but to look like what some might refer to as a "freak" or a "sick person." Seriously - people stare....and then walk as far away from me as they can. I think they thought it might be contagious. I should have told them - it is just chemo. I am cancer free - but I can show you how to vomit.........(sorry...)

So the day ended early due to inclement weather and I headed back to Pittsfield. (had to call the oncologic Nurse and get an antibiotic - chemo in the winter is so NOT cool) I needed to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things - like everyone else. And all I could think of was - I need to get in here and get out because I don't really want to have to wear the mask....so I didn't (shame in me). As I was entering the building a very nice older and attractive gentleman commented on the weather - and I commented back...and I wished him a Merry Christmas.....and then I ran in to him at the oranges, the bakery, the bacon, the cream of chicken soup.....and finally - ran smack dab into him at the milk....and he stopped and said, "Mam, if you don't mind my saying- I just wanted to let you know you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." I was speechless - but said to him, "Thank you, sir -you just made my day. Merry Christmas again." And away he went - and I didn't see him again.

So I was left thinking to myself....that all day people could see my eyes....what did I say to them? And I had the nicest thought....those people didn't think I was doing something wrong - they knew something was different and they just wanted to help......and they wanted to see the look in my eyes when they offered assistance. A lesson 7B could take to heart...

Maybe it is the spirit of the Christmas season. I say - it is the spirit we have all the time, we just sometimes put it in a box and wrap it with a bow and don't use it - until someone unwraps it for us. My prayer is that you unwrap the gift in your heart this Christmas season....and allow God t oshare with you what is really going on behind those eyes.

God Bless you - and may you feel His presence as we celebrate the greatest gift any of us could ever have hoped for.