When I was first diagnosed, David and I decided that we shouldn't tell the kids too much. As a matter of fact, my wish was that in 20 years my kids would say, "yeah - my mom had cancer...but I don't really remember anything about it." Well, several weeks ago I thought maybe I should tell Gracie and Bella SOMETHING.....so we sat down at the kitchen table and the conversation went something like this:
Me: Girls, mommy has something I would like to talk to you about
Girls: (no response - just the dear in the headlight look)
Me: Remember when I told you guys last week that I had hurt a muscle in my boob?
Gracie: yes
Bella: NO, NO....MOM, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT (please keep in mind - our Bella has a flare for the dramatic.....I have no idea where she may have inherited that from.....maybe Teresa????)
Me: Well, I am sorry, Bella....I thought I told you that. Mommy has an owie in my boob.
Girls: (no response)
Me: Ummmmm....do you guys have any questions (I just felt at the time that maybe this was not the right timing......)
Gracie: Can I have a bowl of cereal?
Then I knew it - TMI....too much information for their precious little brains, so I kept my mouth shut......until last night.
While we may have decided to liken this experience to a tooth extraction (as far as our children were concerned) we NEVER lied to them or whispered around them - and we have used the "c" word.....oh, wait a minute.....can't call it that...sorry, we used the...the....well, the forbidden word. We said cancer, and we have tried to always remain neutral when we talked about it. By that, I mean positive. I don't want it to be a forbidden or nasty word to my children like it has been for our generation. I need to add, that my husband, who has found his feminine side throughout all this, has not always remained neutral....but he has kept it within and sheltered from the kids. He gets teary-eyed, but I think that is a normal and natural reaction ( and the feminine thing....well, I just call that a great side effect!!)....okay, once again, I digress.
So, it is a ritual in our house....every night - and I mean EVERY FLIPPIN NIGHT to have the same communication with our kids (the 3 girls - I never have these issues with Austin!!!!) ........we say it is time for bed (at least 3 times) - the girls brush their teeth (after several requests) - they run around the house, get their jammies on, and come in and hide in our bed - and David says.....GIRLS....NOW!!!! Yeah - not much unlike your house, I am sure....
And....drum roll, please....I am finally to my point. Last night I got to get a glimpse of what is going on in Bella's mind.....and it had the potential of stopping me cold.....but I put it all in God's hands, because this is the part of the walk I could never do alone (okay - I could never do any of it alone.......but this one was tough for me) Bella is only 6....7 in November...but her mind is working overtime and, much like her older brother, I fear we will never be able to "talk around" her. Our conversation went something like this:
...she is cuddling to her mommy...you know, the part of the night when she jumps in the bed to hide from her dad....and out of the blue she says
Bella: Mom, do you have cancer?
Me: Yes, honey, I do.
Bella: Where is it?
Me: It is in my boob
Bella: How did it get there?
Me: I don't know, sweetie
Bella: How are you going to get it out of there:
Me: Well, mommy is going to go to the hospital and a doctor is going to take it out.
Bella: How is she going to take it out?
Me: She is going to take mommy's boobs off
Bella: WHAT....OH, MOMMY.....I am so sorry they are going to take your boobs off. (she gave me the biggest hug....and all I wanted to do was cradle HER! and all the questions flowing forth - sort of like that scene from Uncle Buck....you know the one,and right now you are chuckling...who can't chuckle at Uncle Buck?...)
Me: Bella, you just say a prayer for mommy every night and Jesus will take care of the rest, Okay?
Bella: I will say a prayer tomorrow (okay...literally, God gave me humor at that moment - because I needed it so desperately. I just laughed. That is classic Bella - "sure, mom, I will pray...but, you know, I am tired tonight...so how about if I start that praying thing tomorrow".....I still laugh when I think about it)
Bella: Mom, do you know anyone who has ever died from cancer?
Me: (WHOA....I can tell you that after that question, I had to take a very deep breath and hear "yah weh" come from my mouth....(thank you, Jill).....I needed God at this moment more than at nearly any other moment throughout this ordeal) Yes, Bella, my mommy died from cancer. (I really, really wanted to lie to her......isn't it natural for a parent to want to protect their child? Don't you think I would have been justified if I had lied?........but I couldn't)
Bella: Where did her cancer start?
Me: In her breast
Bella: Where is that?
Me: Well, in her boob
Bella: Oh, mommy, I don't want you to die from cancer (WHY is she able to reason that??? God - PLEASE help me!!!)
Me: Bella - you have nothing to worry about. Cancer is so much nicer now than it was when my mom got it (okay - so I felt like I was talking to her about a THING.... video cameras are nicer, cars are nicer, roads are nicer, bridges are nicer, garbage trucks are nicer....yikes....) The doctor is going to get it all out of me - I promise you (I know....right now you are thinking I should have NEVER promised her that....but it is what I believe - and she needs to believe it, too)
....in walks Gracie....
Bella: Mom, you need to tell Gracie
Me: uuuummmmm Gracie, mommy is going to have the cancer taken out of me
Bella: GRACIE - THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE MOM's BOOBS OFF!!!
Gracie: What - mom, they are going to take your boobs off?...Dad???DAAAADDDD??? Did you know they are going to take mom's boobs off? How are they going to take her boobs off?
for those of you who know David - you know that at that moment he was mortified.....and he said, "Gracie, please don't be repeating it....at least exactly like that." to which Gracie responded, "What? dad....I am not going to tell Mrs. Springer...I won't tell Mrs. Springer....why would I tell Mrs. Springer?" How much do you want to bet me that the first words out of her mouth are......"hey, Mrs. Springer....did you know?"
At any rate- we made it through that conversation...and not another word was said. This morning before Bella got on the bus she asked, "mom, how long are you going to have this cancer?" To which I replied - " It will be gone in two weeks, Bella....it might even be gone already - a lot of people are praying for your, mommy." And the best repsonse I have heard came forth from her mouth....she said quite simply, " SWEET!"
Me: Girls, mommy has something I would like to talk to you about
Girls: (no response - just the dear in the headlight look)
Me: Remember when I told you guys last week that I had hurt a muscle in my boob?
Gracie: yes
Bella: NO, NO....MOM, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT (please keep in mind - our Bella has a flare for the dramatic.....I have no idea where she may have inherited that from.....maybe Teresa????)
Me: Well, I am sorry, Bella....I thought I told you that. Mommy has an owie in my boob.
Girls: (no response)
Me: Ummmmm....do you guys have any questions (I just felt at the time that maybe this was not the right timing......)
Gracie: Can I have a bowl of cereal?
Then I knew it - TMI....too much information for their precious little brains, so I kept my mouth shut......until last night.
While we may have decided to liken this experience to a tooth extraction (as far as our children were concerned) we NEVER lied to them or whispered around them - and we have used the "c" word.....oh, wait a minute.....can't call it that...sorry, we used the...the....well, the forbidden word. We said cancer, and we have tried to always remain neutral when we talked about it. By that, I mean positive. I don't want it to be a forbidden or nasty word to my children like it has been for our generation. I need to add, that my husband, who has found his feminine side throughout all this, has not always remained neutral....but he has kept it within and sheltered from the kids. He gets teary-eyed, but I think that is a normal and natural reaction ( and the feminine thing....well, I just call that a great side effect!!)....okay, once again, I digress.
So, it is a ritual in our house....every night - and I mean EVERY FLIPPIN NIGHT to have the same communication with our kids (the 3 girls - I never have these issues with Austin!!!!) ........we say it is time for bed (at least 3 times) - the girls brush their teeth (after several requests) - they run around the house, get their jammies on, and come in and hide in our bed - and David says.....GIRLS....NOW!!!! Yeah - not much unlike your house, I am sure....
And....drum roll, please....I am finally to my point. Last night I got to get a glimpse of what is going on in Bella's mind.....and it had the potential of stopping me cold.....but I put it all in God's hands, because this is the part of the walk I could never do alone (okay - I could never do any of it alone.......but this one was tough for me) Bella is only 6....7 in November...but her mind is working overtime and, much like her older brother, I fear we will never be able to "talk around" her. Our conversation went something like this:
...she is cuddling to her mommy...you know, the part of the night when she jumps in the bed to hide from her dad....and out of the blue she says
Bella: Mom, do you have cancer?
Me: Yes, honey, I do.
Bella: Where is it?
Me: It is in my boob
Bella: How did it get there?
Me: I don't know, sweetie
Bella: How are you going to get it out of there:
Me: Well, mommy is going to go to the hospital and a doctor is going to take it out.
Bella: How is she going to take it out?
Me: She is going to take mommy's boobs off
Bella: WHAT....OH, MOMMY.....I am so sorry they are going to take your boobs off. (she gave me the biggest hug....and all I wanted to do was cradle HER! and all the questions flowing forth - sort of like that scene from Uncle Buck....you know the one,and right now you are chuckling...who can't chuckle at Uncle Buck?...)
Me: Bella, you just say a prayer for mommy every night and Jesus will take care of the rest, Okay?
Bella: I will say a prayer tomorrow (okay...literally, God gave me humor at that moment - because I needed it so desperately. I just laughed. That is classic Bella - "sure, mom, I will pray...but, you know, I am tired tonight...so how about if I start that praying thing tomorrow".....I still laugh when I think about it)
Bella: Mom, do you know anyone who has ever died from cancer?
Me: (WHOA....I can tell you that after that question, I had to take a very deep breath and hear "yah weh" come from my mouth....(thank you, Jill).....I needed God at this moment more than at nearly any other moment throughout this ordeal) Yes, Bella, my mommy died from cancer. (I really, really wanted to lie to her......isn't it natural for a parent to want to protect their child? Don't you think I would have been justified if I had lied?........but I couldn't)
Bella: Where did her cancer start?
Me: In her breast
Bella: Where is that?
Me: Well, in her boob
Bella: Oh, mommy, I don't want you to die from cancer (WHY is she able to reason that??? God - PLEASE help me!!!)
Me: Bella - you have nothing to worry about. Cancer is so much nicer now than it was when my mom got it (okay - so I felt like I was talking to her about a THING.... video cameras are nicer, cars are nicer, roads are nicer, bridges are nicer, garbage trucks are nicer....yikes....) The doctor is going to get it all out of me - I promise you (I know....right now you are thinking I should have NEVER promised her that....but it is what I believe - and she needs to believe it, too)
....in walks Gracie....
Bella: Mom, you need to tell Gracie
Me: uuuummmmm Gracie, mommy is going to have the cancer taken out of me
Bella: GRACIE - THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE MOM's BOOBS OFF!!!
Gracie: What - mom, they are going to take your boobs off?...Dad???DAAAADDDD??? Did you know they are going to take mom's boobs off? How are they going to take her boobs off?
for those of you who know David - you know that at that moment he was mortified.....and he said, "Gracie, please don't be repeating it....at least exactly like that." to which Gracie responded, "What? dad....I am not going to tell Mrs. Springer...I won't tell Mrs. Springer....why would I tell Mrs. Springer?" How much do you want to bet me that the first words out of her mouth are......"hey, Mrs. Springer....did you know?"
At any rate- we made it through that conversation...and not another word was said. This morning before Bella got on the bus she asked, "mom, how long are you going to have this cancer?" To which I replied - " It will be gone in two weeks, Bella....it might even be gone already - a lot of people are praying for your, mommy." And the best repsonse I have heard came forth from her mouth....she said quite simply, " SWEET!"
4 comments:
I just want you to know that I laugh until I cry at all of your posts. Your girls are so sweet! I am praying for you everyday- Beck! Love You!
Bella got her dramatic ways from Teresa???!!! That is great news for me b/c that means that you have forgotten about all of those times I threw a fit when you wanted to go out with the boys in high school and then you ended up taking me with you...YES!
Sorry to break it to you Aunt Becky...your daughter is JUST LIKE ME!!!
Yes....I'm sorry to admit it Nelsie....But as I was reading this I kept thinking to myself "the girls MUST have gotten that from Nelsie" :) hee hee How sweet they are :)
Beck,
It is "SWEET" when we go to the Lord in prayer. I think if we could hear his audible voice he would say the same thing. We are praying for you and love you guys very much! On a lighter note::
Is Bella's middle name:: NELSIE :)
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