The comment Box, Please.......

I received an email today about a whale that was caught off the coast of SanFrancisco..close to the Golden Gate Bridge. This whale had become entangled in a web of spider traps, ropes, and other difficult things to maneuver. A fisherman spotted the whale and called for help - it became clear quite quickly that the only way to save the whale was to dive right in and cut it free....a dangerous proposition for those willing to dive in - because one flop of the tail could be fatal to a human. But, true to the spirit of giving to others - they dove in and saved her. Afterwards, she swam around them in a joyous circle - gently nudging each of them as if to say "Thank you." And, she never took her eye off the fellow who cut her mouth free - an eery, and beautfiful feeling, I am quite sure!!



I read the email more than once, sent by mom Castle. And it gave me pause. Of course, I looked at it as a parable of sorts - Jesus always told stories to get a message across, and maybe this was a story to get a message across to me, as well (a true story , by the way - they had the photographs!!!)



I have spent the last several days/weeks/months becoming tangled sometimes in a web of self-obsession. Seriously - at first I was obsessed with ANYTHIGN I could read about breast cancer (which gave me nearly fatal brain overload), then I was obsessed about my weight and having to take steroids (ok - still obsessing there....but I am GETTING it...OK), I was very obsessesed, inwardly, about the spiritual well-being of my kids through all this (that was not necessary - has truly become a non-event in their lives). There have been other obsessions - David is obsessed with making sure the kids do NOT see my breast scars. I asked him how he is going to explain that to the many volunteers who are WANTING to help with that situation - he had no response. I think he thought I was kidding. Oh well - we'll deal with that when the time comes.



My latest obsession has been dreading the chemo trip. Yesterday was #3 - ONLY 13 to go YIPPEE!!!!! I am thrilled. So, I was supposed to spend the day with Beth - and PLEASE PRAY FOR BETH AND HER FAMILY. Her father recently passed away and now her mother is facing multiple surgeries due to a terrible fall on the ice. Needless to say - Beth needed to be with her mom - and I know I will get some private time with her and the girls soon........I gotta tell you, though, I felt the wires gripping tight when I heard the news of her mom - I knew she would be unavailable and although I had planned to bring comfort to her during the day - I knew she would make me laugh - probably all day!! (selfish on my part - good friends are such a jewel).



So what did God do for me? He sent Hillary. that is my dear, dear friend Jill. David gets the biggest kick out of her - he told me he thought it would be an interesting day for me. He had absolutely no idea.



First of all, we had to drop Nelsie off at the airport to go back to Baltimore. That is always a tough time for us - we usually have Kenny take her so we don't have the dreaded good-bye. What I would not give to get her back to Illinois.....she is a single, 31 year-old, beautiful girl inside and out (maybe a little high maintenance - but for heavens sake she has been on her own since she was 18 - I think she's entitled to that...and I digress...we'll save the "Nelsie info-mercial" for another blog. I'll probably get 1000 hits on that one!!!)



Second, the girls chatted so much the whole way down there that I never got an opportunity to text my friend Troy at 107.1 - we text EVERY other Tuesday on the way to chemo and he plays my songs and David and I get a real high out of that!!! It is literally the highlight of the day for us. I will make up for that at the next trip!!! And what were we talking about? Saving the world, of course...



So Jill and I finally get to the Hospital. I tried to get her to park like David (he pulls illegally up the left lane of level 4 - there are always a TON of spots there). Jill refused to do anything illegal. Wow - I knew I was going to have to break her in.



Where do I begin? We got right in for the blood draw, the boob-pump, the doctor visit, and then the chemo began....Finally - I was so hoping they would get me in early - I AM ALWAYS there early..but it never matters. I have learned - chemo is on time...or a little late. They average 150 patients each day - and on Monday they had 182 - YIKES!!!



Jill was such a trooper through the whole day. It was interesting to get her feedback. While we were waiting in the lobby she was overwhelmed by the number of young people there. (I think she meant people our age). Yeah - you don't think anyone has cancer until you go to this waiting room.....and then you realize it is a real thing for a lot of people - a lot of people who may be dealing with spider nets and ropes tied around their hearts and their bodies...I don't like that thought. I am so glad that I say "Merry Christmas" to everyone I see.....



We finally got back to POD 3 - I will always be in POD 3. I had a "tumor" cancer and this is where they take care of us - not to mention I am part of a clinical trial and they take of us there, too. There are other chemo areas - they have an area for liquid cancers (leukemia, etc - cancers of the blood), and finally for blood marrow cancers. All of these cancers are treated very differently - which is why they put them in different areas.



How do I know all this stuff? Her name is RENEE - and we love her. I actually look forward to seeing her when I go - and pray that she doesn't take Tuesdays off!!! I am not sure what I would do if I go next time and she isn't there - she makes chemo FUN....seriously - she does. When we walked back to the room she asked if there was anything we needed. Jill bent down and whispered in her ear , "Yeah, could you tell me where the Bloody Mary bar is?" Renee calmly replied that drinks would be served at 3pm but until that time she was on her own - I KNEW we were all going to hit it off! Let me add - that Jill was ssaying stuff like this to me all day. There are times when she talks that I bend over laughing and she says, "Oh my gosh are you ok - shoudl you be laughing that hard?" I promised her that I would not tell everything....you have no idea how hard that is for me - she is a real comedian.



At least that is what I thought ( I would be up and having a rip-roaring time) . Renee started my pre-meds and I fell asleep - I slept the ENTIRE time...I have never done that. I will definately try it again in two weeks, because I think it helped. At least, they told me it did. And today - well, today has been the very best "next day" I have had to date!!!!



So what about people diving in to help a whale in trouble. That is what nurse Renee is. You know - she loves her job. She mentioned that she even cries sometimes when she goes home - but she knows that what they are doing is a GREAT thing. She shared a story about a very young gal who was there and on her death bed.......today - that girl is married and has two kids. A miracle, no doubt - the result of many people diving in to cut the wires. And it is nice to meet people who live and breathe it all day long. Renee - well - she not only gives to all of us, but she gives to all she knows. She is in the process of cutting those wires for a dear friend - who needs a place to live. I am very much abbreviating this story - but I want you to get the jist. These nurses are special. So special that I don't even know her title - I just know her name....which is WAY more important to me!!!



SO - thank you, Renee, for being one of the many people who have jumped in to cut my wires and save my life - I hope that I can swim around you in joyous circles and leave you with many blessings.........God Bless You.



And the comment box? Well, Jill decided that since there were no Bloody Mary Bars for the "supporters and friends" she would simply make a few suggestions....we just couldn't find the comment box!!!! (Jill - I heard you loud and clear - thank you for making my day a bit brighter....I will find that comment box, dear!)

I'm Tired

I don't mean to complain or anything.......but I am REALLY ready for this whole cancer thing to be....over. I think someone forgot to tell me that when the chemo started....it would actually be a REAL thing - and it would last for....well, about 5 months. I don't care about the hair loss, or the weight gain (ok - maybe I am lying about that one), or the nausea, or the stares - I'm just ready for normalcy.

That is SOOOOOOOOOO funny. Actually, maybe cancer and chemo is preparing me for three girls to be teenagers simultaneously. I can't confirm this - but I am guessing that anyone with three teenage daughters might take...at least a double take...when given the option. Ok, that is not funny - but maybe an indication of the hormones we have in our house.....and Christmas - all I can say is Thank God for Christmas.

Honestly, I ask myself....how in the world can I complain about anything - when compared to Mary? She road on a smelley donkey while at the very last stages of pregnancy (and was, I am quite sure, thankful for the ride). She went into labor and instead of having a nice, warm bed to lie in (drugs for the pain) - she was given a stable....to share with animals. I am getting a bit queezy just thinking of the smell she would have had to endure - and I thought chemo was bad. Seriously - I have drugs to help me through this. And I bet Mary would say - she had Joseph, and God........I guess that is something I have in common with her - God. Thank God....because in case you haven't guessed....I am going a bit stir-crazy.

I am so thankful that Mary rode on that donkey and gave birth in a stable so that I could have eternal life - and not walk alone....ever. My next chemo treatment is Tuesday. I really just want it to come and go - and for my life to be normal through this. You know - no more nausea....or steroid tummy. What do I mean by that?

Well, Austin made a keen observation the other day - he informed me that my stomach was sticking out. The horns popped out of my head and I informed him that it was the steroids....and that telling his mother her stomach was big....in any manner....was so uncool. Truly, for a moment I thought about taking him down - then I remembered the last time I tried that. It didn't work - I cried "mercy" and he let me go....oh well....I did inform him, however, that I had other means of torture (removal of phone, etc).

Enough of that - I am rambling. Just sitting here, a bit humbled by the Grace of God and thinking of you. And praying.

Clearly - having lost my hair has also caused me to take temporary leave of my senses....all of them....but I am speaking, in particular, regarding the sense of reason. The doctor said these drugs could cause "loopiness" and "temporary memory loss." Folks - I am here to tell ya'.....I think Doc knew what he was talking about.

SO it is December 23rd (Gracie and David and Mary's birthdays!!) and I have tried THREE times to go shopping with Jill to finish up a few "last minute" details. The last two times we were side-swiped by illness (me) and weather. Today was to be the day.....and I was bound and determined to go. And it wasn't about needing anything - I definately did not HAVE to have anything else.....I just wanted to see Jill - give her a gift....and let her see my baldness!!! I knew she would give me the "real deal."

When I woke up today I had predetermined to go - no matter how I felt. Quite an ignorant act on my part....because I really wanted to lie in bed again - all day. But NNNOOOOOO (temporary loss of reason). I took a shower (which, by the way, lasts 10 minutes less than it used to due to the no hair factor!), got dressed, put on make-up.....and went for the wig. NOT!! I thought - if I am going shopping this morning, I am going to be comfortable - so I grabbed a new hat that came in the mail yesterday - it is so......chic!! I guess you would say it is so NOT me!!! But I love it and I put it on with a scarf and away I went.

Jill and I started at Best Buy. She dropped me off at the door and parked the utility vehicle. For the common shopper viewing us from afar, we were clearly the brabie doll with her sick sister. (David told me that is why he hates the turbans.....they SCREAM - 'I HAVE CANCER') I entered Best Buy and in addition to my hat, gloves, and all of my gear, I put on the mask - and I could not believe the stares. They didn't bother me at all - I actually got a real laugh when I noticed the manager was following me. After about 5 minutes he approached and asked if there was something he could do for me. I said....nope....I am just standing here - admiring your merchandise while my girlfriend is looking. He said okay and walked away...later I thought to myself - did that guy think I was strying to steal? OMG!!! Who else thinks I am a thief in disguise? While the stares didn't bother me - that thought did.....here I was - stuck - I had to wear the mask.....every person I ran into was coughing, hacking, and blowing their nose - I had no choice. I had no choice but to look like what some might refer to as a "freak" or a "sick person." Seriously - people stare....and then walk as far away from me as they can. I think they thought it might be contagious. I should have told them - it is just chemo. I am cancer free - but I can show you how to vomit.........(sorry...)

So the day ended early due to inclement weather and I headed back to Pittsfield. (had to call the oncologic Nurse and get an antibiotic - chemo in the winter is so NOT cool) I needed to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things - like everyone else. And all I could think of was - I need to get in here and get out because I don't really want to have to wear the mask....so I didn't (shame in me). As I was entering the building a very nice older and attractive gentleman commented on the weather - and I commented back...and I wished him a Merry Christmas.....and then I ran in to him at the oranges, the bakery, the bacon, the cream of chicken soup.....and finally - ran smack dab into him at the milk....and he stopped and said, "Mam, if you don't mind my saying- I just wanted to let you know you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." I was speechless - but said to him, "Thank you, sir -you just made my day. Merry Christmas again." And away he went - and I didn't see him again.

So I was left thinking to myself....that all day people could see my eyes....what did I say to them? And I had the nicest thought....those people didn't think I was doing something wrong - they knew something was different and they just wanted to help......and they wanted to see the look in my eyes when they offered assistance. A lesson 7B could take to heart...

Maybe it is the spirit of the Christmas season. I say - it is the spirit we have all the time, we just sometimes put it in a box and wrap it with a bow and don't use it - until someone unwraps it for us. My prayer is that you unwrap the gift in your heart this Christmas season....and allow God t oshare with you what is really going on behind those eyes.

God Bless you - and may you feel His presence as we celebrate the greatest gift any of us could ever have hoped for.

December 17th - Hair today, gone tomorrow

One of the things my doctor recommended was daily bathing - In order to keep germs and bacteria at a minimum, and reduce the chance of infection, etc. SO, I have a ritual - get up, take a shower, get ready....blah....blah....blah

Today, I got up - washed my hair, and as I was pulling my hand away and looked down - I feared I had enteres a twilight zone of another place.....I looked like an APE!!! There was hair everywhere. Needless to say, I had pulled out half of my head. I have said in the past that as soon as my hair started to show signs of falling out, I would shave my head. My motivation for that comment was the memories I have of my mommy's hair falling out - i remember it....and I do not like that memory. But today I thought....naaawwww....I will see how much I have and maybe I can fix it another day. (It must have been the loopy drugs talking)

So I got out of the shower, let my hair dry naturally for a few mintes while I talked to Jill, and then returned to the bathroom. I was thinking - short hair, short "do" - this is no problem. As I rounded the door and peaked at myself in the mirror, I nearly gagged at the site. Seriously - it was HYSTERICAL!!! Do you know those men (sorry men - you again) who have half a head of hair and instead of cutting it to look right, they let one side grow REALLY long and flip it over to the other side? Do you know what I am talking about - THAT IS WHO I WAS LOOKING AT IN THE MIRROR!!!! I nearly took a photo. No - that is not true. I actually went to get the camera - I couldn't let this one pass.....but I couldn't find that silly little fella and I was a bit ticked.

At any rate, I feared that if I left my hair looking like that it would scare my kids to death if they saw it. Not to mention I was shedding everywhere - I could not get out of the bathroom - every time I touched my head, a bundle of hair came out. So, I decided - this is it.....and I shaved it. Well - not really - I used David's clippers. I didn't feel the need to shave because in the next day or two the rest of the stubble will fall out. And you know what - this is GREAT!! Or, it would be if it were summertime - I don't know how bald poeple do it. Even with my wig on, my head is cold when I go outside....

So David, Gracie and I were in the office this evening waiting on them to go to the Christmas program at the Crossroads (I can not attend...way too close of quarters with too many people - my doctor said....no...and I can not believe I am listening to that...but daddy has the video camera!!!) Back to the office........Gracie laid her cookie on my desk that Ms. Stacy gave her for Christmas and then went to sit on her dad's lap. I yelled in to her - "Gracie, is this cookie for me?" And she said, "yes." Her dad then told her that he thought it was for him....and she told him, "Mom is BALD so she gets the cookie!!!"

It is like I said - this cancer thing is really paying off!!!! Have a great day - and God Bless!!!

Don't rain on my parade

Okay - I know this has happened in your house.....especially if you, the wife, have EVER tried to lose weight.......Last April David and I set out on an a mission to get healthy - for real - exercise, eat right, and drop the ridiculous weight we had gathered over the early part of 2008. (I really wish I had not wished this year away...but when it started with me getting mono, diagonosed on January 15th and put on those beloved steroids)....I knew it was going to be a long year.....wow, little did I know that God had something much greater in store for me - a year full of blessings that would/will take me the rest of my life to take in.



Okay - so back to the weight loss thing. It has always been a tradition in my house.....I get up, go pee, take off ALL my clothes (you know - every ounce counts) and I weigh myself. This was particularly difficult for a few months this summer because David and I were going to the hospital to be weighed by nurses - I thought it would be entirely inappropriate for HIM to get undressed!!! SO, we changed that routine to fit the current tide.



Finally.....in the mornings I would declare "HONEY......I lost three pounds this week!!!!" And I would be so excited - knowing it was real weight loss...not just water. And, each and every time I could count on David responding, "Great, Honey, now let me go take a $#!* (beep was required here) and I will lose FIVE pounds." NICE, David - real nice....thanks for the encouragement- I hope you go to the bathroom and it never comes out!!!! And when it does....DO NOT yell at me to come look at it - I do not care if it is the mother of all loads!!!

Seriously - if this doesn't happen at your house, then I guess - well, maybe you aren't normal.....because my brother was the same wway....can't say, however, that I EVER heard my daddy say that to my mommy - although I am quite certain he did!!! (and I have several cousins I could name by NAME....but I won't...they might come hurt me!!!)


Thus began our trek to Siteman yesterday for Chemo #2. I started the day with the blood draw. David decided to watch - he had not seen them access the port and I thought he might find it cool. So, they got it prepared and she came in for the STICK......and david says,, "WHOA....honey, did that hurt?" And my response was - it freakin hurt...yes, it hurts. TO which he replied, "Damn, that looked like it hurt." You know - he loves me - he really loves me - he has a way with words, yeah.......I think he has become numb to part of this, which is expectable......but I laughed....no, kidding.......

And on to see 7B - she was there today. Do you know what I did? I gave her my name - with a smile.....and I said to her - Merry Christmas. I hope you can make the difference in the life of someone else today. And do you know what she said???? Nothing - but she smiled. I considered that a triumph. Maybe she never gets any encouragement anywhere else. Believe me - this was God talking. All I really wanted to do was reach across the desk and wring her neck...but what would that have accomplished? (okay - some short term gratification for me that would have turned into ridiculous guilt which would have made me end up blaming MYSELF for her problems.....yeah - being nice was definately the only alternative and a lot less work!!)

I was taken by a nurse coordinator for the blood pressure and the "weigh-in" (finally - the point of this blog)....AND........I lost 2.5 pounds since my last visit, Well - NO KIDDING!!! If you have to cut out the sugar.....believe me, it would come off - I would have lost 7 pounds, but decided to do Chinese and Mexican over the past week - the Mexican was actually OK....But mama will have no-no Chinese for a very long time!!!! And, I am sure part of it is still the muscle I am losing....but it gets better. David - like every man - hovers over the weight reading.....you know - he wants to see how I am doing (sure!) Do you know what he said? I commented, "Honey - I lost 2.5 pounds since the last visit?" "What?", he replied. "I thought you weighed XXX" YES, David - I weigh XXX at home - but they weigh me HERE on a $10,000 scale every two weeks - so this is a more accurate reading of where I really freakin am." And then...the moment came, "Well, honey - I cold go to the bathroom..." STOP STOP STOP.......yes - I made him zip it and we were off to see Dr. Michel!!! How DARE he try to rain on what might be my only parade of the day!!

The best part of the day - talking to the doctor with my consistent list of questions. As I described my first chemo, he jumped up and brought two nurses in. His comment was ," We do this all the time - hundreds of times each week and your reaction is not normal - there is something else going on here." Of course, I was not alarmed because I KNEW there was something wrong - and it was called....not enough drugs when they gave the first chemo. SOOOOOOOOOOO we changed the scrip and were off to Dr. Brandt.

Now - the "boob filling" is an appt that last all of 5-6 minutes. I walk in the room, take off my clothes and the dr comes in to see how I did the past two weeks - and I told him to "continue to fill the girls up - they still look flat to me." So...he did. And I am happy to report I have a bump - it is probably like a bra size AA or AAA. I am hoping to move up to a solid A by the next visit. And, girls -- the best part is these suckers are HARD!! No jiggling here - no hitting me in the chin when I run, or getting in the way of shaving....or other things - this . Well....I will admit that as time goes on - this is SOOOO going to be worth it!!!!! (p.s To Mr. Danny - you know who you are!!!! There will definately NOT be 44 DD's!!!)

And now - back up to the chemo room (so sorry for the long email - it was just such an eventful day)...We checked in, got our parking ticket stamped (remember - it is FREE when you are getting chemo...$15 saved this week....yee-haaa!) David and I walked around the corner and there she was - Renee - a familiar face. She is my chemo nurse - and WOW...do I really like her. I gotto pick my seat and we got started. Oh - I did find out that I will always be in pod #3 because I am part of a "study".

Renee disccussed with me the new drugs they would be giving me pre and post chemo - a little "boost" if you will to make sure I made it home without getting sick!!! She decided the best way would be to give it to me quickly - she said...it will be like getting a six-pack in your veins in a matter of 10 seconds. You won't be sick - but you will be loopy, dear. I am NOT KIDDING when I tell you while she was STILL filling my veins.....I felt like I had just had about......25 beers - the best part was there was no vomitting involved (bad memories there...you all have them). the next thing I know I am waking up and David is sitting there - I TOTALLY passed out!!!! That was a great nap!!

What a gift. In anticipation of my trip, God gave me such a special gift yesterday - the appointments went wonderfully - the people were so kind "note to self: remember to ALWAYS say Merry Christmas to the people you see - especially considering the beautiful impact it had when you said it 100 times at a jewish hospital) The gift I am referring to is NOT the flawless day (we had the great weather to contend with and absolutely HORRIBLE STL drivers....Thank God He carried us through that traffic - I thought David would go into road rage at any moment.)......now....what were those gifts???



Angela Gambino - a nurse with hardly any family - her mother, a niece and a nephew. So, she gives me a beautful pink scarf and in our conversation I learn that this wonderful nurse adopts a family during the holidays - it was everything I could do to not cry....I am so proud of her.



Renee - My chemo nurse.....This woman works countless hours every day - at least 12 - doing something she obviously loves and she is SO GOOD at it!!!! In the midst of her own life, she shares that she has a friend she is moving into her basement - because this friend is dying and comes from the worst past home life you could imagine....but Renee has opened her heart and her home - and given this woman a ray of hope for the rest of her life.....wow. When I asked for the friend's name so I could put it on a prayer list - she was touched (not by me....but by the Word of God). Her friend's name is Audrey.

The wig woman - she was sitting next to me....and I am ashamed that I never got her name (okay - not true.....I got her name. But remember - this was during the SEVERE loopyiness and I have not a clue what she said her name was) - I never even told her about me because I wanted to know about her...so glad I did. She told me she had ovarian/cervical cancer that had moved to her lungs - they got it out of her cervix...and she had been fighting this for SEVEN YEARS!!! And so you know what she said.....she thinks they won't get it this time. Well, you know me - WHOA - YES THEY WILL.(you know...when you are filled with the love of Jesus and the power only the holy spirit can provide....there are times they could MUTE you and the words will still come - it is not about you - it is about being willing to be a messenger for God) ......This is NOT the end for you - this is a tougher battle because it is in the middle.....but that is where it lies -not at the end of your life -in the middle...and you will win - all it takes is you...And I don't you know you very well - but I believe in you - you have fought this for 7 years - you are a fighter and I expect to see great things from you.....for a long, long time. I am so sorry for your pain - but I am so thankful that I could to meet you today.....

Then I fell asleep -go figure.....those freakin drugs REALLY made me loopy!!


Once again - God was faithful - I prayed in antcipation of another horrible experience and HE made it SO perfect - gave ME opportunities to say MERRY CHRISTMAS....and folks - NO ONE got mad at me for it!! Many said thank you - several repeated...all heard and acknowledged it....and I wasn't evicted from the Jewish hospital for speaking of a Christan faith!!!


God Bless - I am now off to take a cocktail and crawl back into bed....just wanted to let you know....GOd is so Good...........



Thank you God for doing what you do best - keeping your promises. thank you for bringing to me in the last few days friends who I have not been in touch with - and friends who I needed to be in touch with. Thank you for using me.....I pray for the wig lady, Audrey, Renee, and Angela and for the hearts of everyone to be touched by the spirit that comes every year - of hope, forgiveness, and love.

Anticipation

It seems like forever since I updated my blog. I have decided to come at least twice each week....enough so you will know I am just...super fine....and not too much to bore you with!!



That being said....given the time of year, I have done a lot of reflecting - who doesn't? Okay...scrooges don't, I suppose, or - you know - those people I like to call the "rally-killers." They hate everything in life, so most likely do not reflect on the good things from their past (note to self: pray for those people - they really do exist)....and what have I been reflecting on??????? Christmases past, of course.

I can remember the year I got a ton of Barbie crap. First of all, I could not figure out how Santa knew to get me Barbie stuff - I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I wanted Barbie stuff - so how did he?? Oh well...it was awesome just the same. And the agony of having to go to sleep so he would finally come. The anticipation of seeing just WHAT Santa would leave for us...or rather, invade our home with. At our house, you literally could not see the floor on Christmas morning - photos you would have to see to believe.(thanks to the generosity of grandma and grandpa Smith, my dad's parents).

Anyway.....so I awoke...and since both of my parents were alive, the FIRST thing I would do is FLY up the stairs to jump on their bed and let them know that Santa had been there. Well...this particular year (so I am told) Dad had a really hard time with some of our gifts....and literally had just crawled into bed when I declared...time to get up because Santa was here!! Given what I know David would say today - I can only imagine what my daddy said to my mommy on that particular morning!! I love that story now...because I think nearly every person I know has experienced it....helping Santa only to go to bed and be awakened by the kids......my heart skips a beat just thinking of it - you see, my anticipation has changed. Now....I anticipate the look on THEIR faces Christmas morn when my children awake to see what Santa brought....and I must admit - I like this anticipation a whole lot more. It is true - there is so much more joy in giving than receiving.

Which brings me to the purpose for this blog. Tuesday is the next "C" day. (I really need to come up with a different acronym than the "c" day because I do not like that letter....it's a girl thing.) 10 days ago I can tell you without a doubt that the anticipation of this next visit made me want to hurl - literally. So, God being God....and never ever letting me down.....has brought me to a different place within the scheme of this chemo. I am actually looking forward to it - not like going to the DQ for a blizzard, mind you....more like going to the dentist for a check-up. At least when you are scheduled to go to the dentist you know the possibility exists that there won't be any cavities - thus, no pain!!!! That is how I feel about this chemo trip...the possibility exists I won't think I am dying from the nausea and sickness....so I am claiming that (and probably gonna kick some medical oncologist butt if I get sick Tuesday Night)....and so now, many of you are asking yourselves..."just what does this butt look like?" And to that I say to you - shame, shame......Dr. Michel would be blushing, I am quite certain.....(sorry...I digress...we'll have to take up the butt conversation some other day)

So, I wanted to share with you what God did for me......I prayed two weeks ago about the anticipation of this next visit.....and God did not spare me a bit of anticipation - He has granted me loads of it in other forms. I was anticipating Austin's ball games (still am), and his concert, and the girls' Christmas programs, singing, going shopping with Jill, making a DJ request to Troy on the way to the hospital (yes....David and I both live in anticipation of that - we just love him!!!) seeing Charlie over the holidays (because Charlie is the one person in my life who I can tell you - has NEVER failed to come up to me and kiss me and tell me I am gorgeous...seriously - I have been fat, ugly, and obnoxious and Charlie STILL tells me I am gorgeous....they say love is blind so I think Charlie must truly love me!!!), seeing family and friends......and Santa. God even gave me Santa.....I am so blessed and so thankful that all I can do is get on my knees.

I used to ask myself years ago.....what did I do to deserve such a good boy ?(Austin - in the days especially after his dad and I first separated)......and now I am asking God again....what did I do to deserve your grace and the peace that only You offer? And I cry...as I am now....when I am faced with the harsh reality that I have done absolutely nothing.....Jesus did it.....all I have done is believe.....I got the easy part.

Thank you, again, for loving me, and walking this journey with me. So many of you have sent cards, prayers, and words of encouragement - and I wish there was a way I could stand on top of the world and shout to everyone about the many blessings you have given me.......since I can't - I am going to stand on top of the world and shout to God and ask Him to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bless you as you have me......and I will continue to do that!!!! Because I truly do love you.

God Bless You and May you anticipate a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

This week in kids

Just thought I would post a couple of photos. This has been a busy week - the Freshmen have 5 games!!! no complaining here - I love it. Bella danced at the Varsity game last Saturday. Gracie did Gingerbread Houses....and Austin - well...he is playing ball.....