Germany

This is my friend, Jens, from Germany. He flew in Saturday and spent three days with us before roaming back off to Chicago to do some PR work for his company.

God exposed

Throughout the course of the last 5 months I have been blessed beyond measure on this journey. I have cried very few tears of sorrow, as I have shared with you....but I have cried many tears of Joy......and humility. It is quite humbling to experience firsthand the awesome power of God's love. I know we all receive it daily....there are times I am simply overwhelmed by His grace......and I cry.

I can give you many examples of what God has done for me - I have hesitated to ever use names....because there are SO MANY.....so many people who have touched my life through this process. But today - today I think I have to be a little specific, because I have to confess - and expose God. As a manager, my philosophy was ALWAYS to give credit where it was due. How else could I gain the respect of my employees? If you don't give proper credit - you will lose the good ones.....and be exposed. If you DO give credit....you will be exposed, as well....but in a much better way!!!

One of the first times I cried tears of thankfulness was October 27th. It was two days before my surgery and my phone rang. It was Wendy. She told me she was going to bring dinner over for my family the next night - so that my last night at home I would not have to cook...I could simply be with my family and enjoy the evening. David and I were at Terry's house - I remember it quite vividly. I was driving and he was standing outside of the vehicle talking to them. David got back in, I looked at him - and I had tears in my eyes....I couldn't stop crying. He asked me what was wrong....and I said nothing....absolutely nothing. God is taking care of every detail.

And so it has been. I can tell you stories about Jill, Patti, Shelley, Anissa, Butch and Ellen (parents of a friend from high school who regularly send me cards from their winter home in Texas......how humbling to know God reaches to all parts of the country - and the world - to have people pray for me....and bring me blessings), Joe (makes the best sloppy Joes in the world), Cindy, Kim, Beth, Diana, Troy, Nelsie, my sister, Angi, Aunt Patty, Renee, Jeanette, KB and KB, everyone from Tennessee, many people I don't know.....I could go on and on and on......you see - the list is endless because it is managed by God. Man is He awesome......and this week, He brought me to my knees.....He reminded me that He is in control - and I need to remember that. God is in the details....

Of course it is no secret I have obsessed about my weight gain (17 pounds as of Tuesday!!!). While my friend Jens was here this past weekend he said it best......"Becky, I do believe you have greater things to worry about at this point. Besides, your face doesn't look that bad." I think that was a compliment - my little German friend pulled a funny..........

I digress. What did God do that I am specifically referring to? Well, this past week I received three cards in the mail with Ohio return addresses.....from names I did not recognize. The first one was from Kate.....a very nice letter. She indicated that she was a friend of Beth Beard and had been reading my blog......and she gave some very encouraging words...... I was blessed.... Then another card came from a friend of Beth.....on Monday.... I stopped dead in my tracks.

First of all, let me talk about Beth.....she lost her dad recently to cancer. He survived for more than eighteen months with one of the most aggressive cancers there is - he outlasted most with his will and determination.....and while she is deep in the mourning process, she can't help herself but to think of others....God is using her to bless me through her pain. She is one of my best cheerleaders (there are many cheerleaders for whom I give thanks daily!!!) and I am thankful for her......and for all of them.......for all of you.....

Back to the card from Ohio......Lesa wrote in the card....that I had "No idea how much I had touched others." Lesa brought me to my knees, and I cried (I told you I cry a lot now,....tears of joy and humility).....and now I must confess to all of you....IT ISN'T ME...... I went back and re-read some of the blogs I did in the early stages.....and I don't even remember writing them!!! That is when I knew - it is because it wasn't me. I can't take any credit for helping anyone - I have to give it where it is due....and that is to my savior. God is not only my creator, but also my very best friend. He has held my hand, and blessed me daily with the love and support of hundreds - and thousands - of people. He has orchestrated all of this in His divine plan. God brought me to my knees with Lesa's words. I have not touched anyone - God has touched you through me. And, that, for me, is the most humbling of all....God is using EVEN ME!!!!!! Please know I am a willing servant and will continue to be for the rest of my life. I am so thankful that God is moving others - and while it would be a WOW to take that kind of credit....I simply can't. I will say "God Bless You." I will continue to pray for you and ask that God sends you showers of joy each and every day.

Thank you - all of you - for blessing my life. I would not change this journey for anything.

A little bit of speed.....and Two for Two!!!

Back in October I had the opportunity to blog about the day I was driving home....and was stopped by the law in Missouri. I recall the moment the officer stepped up to the vehicle....and asked where I had been. I simply told him the truth - the Siteman Cancer Center. Looking back - it was definately the word "cancer" that got his attention. Thank God it was NOT the shopping bags in the back of the vehicle......or the look on Jill's face!!!



Since that visit to the hospital there has been one common denominator - I am unable to drive after any of my treatments. The first eight weeks I couldn't because of the narcotics they gave me. Now I can't because of the pre-meds and sleeping medication....I think they give me enough to "kill a rat in lab tests." I will say, however, that when someone other than David takes me, I drive TO the treatment - so the other driver only has to transport me home!!



On Tuesday, as you know, Jill and I had a swell time. I was basically high all day on caffeine. And While the nurse never gave specific directions about what would happen after the caffeine wore off....I am sure she would have told me to expect to sleep for awhile....I am STILL feeling the effects of that coffee.....but it did not inhibit my ability to spot a bargain. My new favorite store is ANY store with an 80% off rack!!!!



I digress.....the day was wearing to an end and Jill and I were finally on the way home. I should also note that David and I USED to take route 79 to the hospital - and anyplace else we may be travelling to in St Louis. After my first trip with Jill....we changed our routine. We now take 40/61. It may be a bit further - but it is shorter....and the ride is so much nicer (and, I should mention that route 79 is the road I was on in October when the law pulled me over!!!).....so we were on our way home....on route 40/61....talking about something I can not quite remember when Jill says......



Oh, $#!&!!!!!. I looked at her and asked what was wrong. It was dark out as it was past 7pm...I think it was around 7:45. (you ask how I know this.....well....at 7:23 we passed a shopping development that we decided we would come back to - I told her we should time how far it was from her house so we would know exactly how long it would take to get there.......and it was AFTER this time she said that dirty word )Anyway, she indicated that she just saw 4 cop cars and they were pulling on to the road. I told her not to worry - to just stay behind the truck we were following and go 65...she should be just fine. (Besides....we weren't on the infamous route 79!!!) I then proceeded to tell her that if she DID get pulled over she could just tell them we came from the Siteman Cancer Center (truth...it may have been 8 hours earlier we came from there....but it was the truth)......I would keep my hat off and if she needed me to....I would even moan a little. Bald rules.



In the next instant the little cherry lights came on.....and it was evident they were following us and we needed to pull over. Jill remained very calm - I must say she was a sight better than I was in October. As I recall...I used a few swear words and was not at all happy the cop was approaching my car. Jill wasn't either, but MAN she was cool.....and the conversation went something like this:



Jill: Becky - I am going to need my license and my insurance card. And...do you think this guy will see all the shopping bags???



Becky: No - you will need my insurance card since this is my car....I will get it - no problem, don't worry.......and I thnk it is too dark for him to see the bags in the back....(here comes the officer....and not one swear word from Jill - I can SO take a lesson from her)



Officer: Mam, I am going to need to see your license, insurance card and registration. You were going a little fast back there. You were driving 70 in a 60 MPH zone.



Jill: You are kidding - I thought the speed limit was 65



Officer: No, mam, the 65 MPH zone starts right arouond the curve



(Okay - at this point, Jill and I both look up and directly in front of us on the side of the road is the sign which indicates that the speed limit is 65 MPH....I could not believe it - seriously - route 40/61 had the SAME SPEED TRAPS as route 79...I was so not loving the Missouri transportation system at this point.....and I can GUARANTEE you that my response would NOT have been the same as Jill's)



Jill: Oh my gosh.....officer, we just came from Siteman and this isn't my vehicle so my friend is getting her insurance card.



Officer: You just came from where? (Oh, man,,, I knew it - she was SO COOL....she walked him right into that trap...I loved it - I knew that sweet revenge was on the way)



Jill: The Siteman Cancer Center. My friend here had a chemo treatment today and she is not feeling very well. (Jill says this with a little laugh, a flip of the head, and a pat on my leg)



Becky: Officer, here is my insurance card. Do you need to see my license, as well?



Officer: (At this point he bends down....just a little.....and looks into the vehicle. Of course, he spots the bald head......) No, thank you, mam...I don't need to see your insurance card, either. Ladies,there aren't going to be any tickets issued today, but please slow down and be careful.



Jill: Officer, I am from Illinois.....I had no idea it was 60 MPH here!!!! (she laughs a bit louder and flashes those pearly whites) Thank you so much, officer. Have a great day. Thank you!!!!



I think Jill said more - and the officer said more - in the exchange....but I don't remember it all. All I can remember is how really COOL she was!!!! She was sooooooo different than me - and, quite obviously - the stronger of the two of us. She rocked!!!!!



hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. First of all - it took the officer a very long time to get to the vehicle when he first pulled us over. I told Jill - he was WRITING THE TICKET, Jill!!!!! And doing a search on the vehicle. Then, he walked up to the vehicle and she rolled down the window. I want to say right now......her getting out of that ticket had NOTHING to do with the word cancer and my bald head (not to mention I did not have to moan even ONE time!!!!) No - he was a young, attractive policeman.....he walked up to the window and saw Jill and I think he wanted to faint - she is GORGEOUS...so, of course, he smiled the whole time he was talking...and probably was going to ask her out until she started the whole cancer routine (thank God...because she would have had to turn him down....and then he WOULD have written a ticket!!!)



We are, as Jill so eloquently stated, "Two for Two." The moral to this story......when I can no longer use the "cancer" routine....I will need to make sure I am riding with Jill!!!

I met Jessica and I saw Jesus

Tuesday was chemo day. It just so happens that this week was another lottery for David - he didn't have to go!!! My friend Jill called last week to let me know she would like to take me again. Poor girl - the last time she took me we had to leave a little after 6am and I will never forget the sound she made when I told her......well. This week I had the earliest blood draw yet - 8am. And we have to leave 2.5 hours before blood-time....which meant 5:30. I really felt sorry for her...but so thankful at the same time!!!

On this particular day, I had to awake to say goodbye to my friend, Jens, who has been here since Saturday visiting. Jens is from Germany and I met him at the U of I in 1990....and we have been very dear friends ever since. As a matter of fact, I had the opportunity to fly to Germany in May, 2007, to be the Godmother of his third child - Lynn.....and what an honor!!! It was nice to have him here. As David and I showed him Pike County and talked about old times, he reminded us of how fortunate we are - he kept telling us how beautiful and peaceful it is here. All I could talk about was the mold in the air from the rivers.....he opened my eyes!!

So, Jill and I were off to St Louis. We seem to have the routine down to a science - because I walked into Siteman at 8:00am.......albeit at the expense of about 250 drivers on I 170. Thanks to the construction on 40/61, a lot of traffic had been diverted to 170. The drivers get off on 170 from 40 and drive North to Forest Park exit - MY exit...........needless to say, I do NOT stay in line.....I always drive to the front and cut in. I make sure to keep my wig off so an angry motorist might feel a little pity on the bald lady in the car. I still can not figure out why people wait in that line,,,I guess because they aren't bald.

It was an uneventful morning.....except I was a little peaved that they put me in POD 4 instead of POD 3. Why, you may ask? Because my chemo nurse is Renee....and she is typically in POD 3 -as she was today. And, well, I was a little peaved....I just was - chemo is no different than life. After awhile there are certain constants that you grow to rely on - for me, one of those very important constants is my chemo nurse....Renee. You see - Renee remembers me. She even remembers the fact that I can tast tomato soup and ice cream....butter pecan in particular. THAT is who she is....I am not just a chemo patient to her - I am a friend.....and I have grown to rely on that. Can you imagine my candor when I found out I would not be treated by her today? Don't worry - I didn't cut off any heads, or anything.....I just slept. And then.......I drank some coffee!!

You see - Jill and I had a master plan. We figured I would be out of the hospital by 11:30 or so - so we would have at least half of the day left to do a little retail therapy (look for the big bargains.) So I asked the nurse to please have a cup of coffee for me when I woke up so I could actually wake up. 50mg of Benadryl tends to put me out for at least 36 hours......I figured a cup of coffee would keep me up for the rest of the day. Oh yeah - it kept me up, allright. If you are reading this blog you will see that it is now 1:50am on Wednesday......since I don't drink coffee...or soda...or any caffeine.....a little cup has done more damage than I ever dreamed possible - I expect to crash sometme this morning and wake up......hopefully by Friday!!!!

So, Jill and I went to the mall. This day was all about the eyes. You see, on chemo day I don't do a lot - a little make-up on the eyes so I don't scare people to death ..... and that is it. I don't wear my hair - it is chemo day and I have every intention of being as comfortable as possible.....and I was!! As a result, however, there are a lot of stares. This is not new to me, nor does it bother me. As a matter of fact, I get a kick out of it - especially the men. Since men tend to be less emotional - or reasonable when it comes to a bald head.....I think most of them figure I have lost my mind and shaved my head. (Seriously, guys.....Sinead O'Conner and Britney Spears may do that.....but most women definately do NOT!!!!) Women, on the other hand think with emotions....and probably tend to guess that there is something wrong (hair disease, cancer,.....etc). Today - there were a lot of stares. The first store Jill and I ventured into was White House Black Market. I wish I could tell you that was a good experience. It really wasn't. Those women definately treated me different,...and that was a hard lesson to take. I thought maybe I smelled, or something. It is amazing to think a bald head can have that effect. Later in the evening Jill told me that she would never go back there. I had to concur. I do believe, however, that store was the expection. As Jill would tell me, she believed that the looks she saw seemed to indicate that people were compassionate - they would stare at me and then get a look as if to say,"Good for you. We hope you are ok."....or something else very positive. I call it the human spirit - we are surrounded with people who have a big heart.....quietly or otherwise, they care.

And then there was the girl who changed my day. It was nearing the end of the evening. Around 6:30 we were in the Gap and I had several items in my hand. I was becoming VERY tired - and it probably showed. A young girl walked up to me and asked if she could take my clothes to the dressing room. I was SO RELIEVED!!!! I thanked her and told her that my friend also had a handful!!!! She looked at me and said, "Oh, I don't work here. I just want to help you. My mom was sick and I want to help you. I can take your bags, too. They will keep them behind the counter for you so you don't have to carry them." I stood there for a brief moment.....in silence, and looked at her. I looked in her eyes and I could see the compassion and love of Christ. This girl was the most beautiful stranger I had ever seen. I was silenced. And then I said, "Thank you. Thank you so much." She took my clothes and my bags and walked away.

Okay - for a brief moment I thought...becky, did you just give away all your bags???? But there was such a peace about that thought. I just knew it was okay. I grabbed a shirt, and walked to the dressing room and started trying on clothes. About 5 minutes later I looked up and walking towards me was this girl. She walked up to me, put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug. I pulled back and asked her name......"Jessica," she replied. "thank you, Jessica, for what you did. Is your mom okay?" She replied that her mom had been in remission for two years. She told me that her mom, also, did not have a wig and she was so proud to see me out shopping. (my baldness did not scare her....it inspired her to reach out to me) She could remember what it was like to carry her moms bags.....and she wanted to help me. I was so touched by her kindness. I had to force myself not to cry (as I am now....just thinking about her...and praying for her). I hugged her and she looked at me and said, "God Bless You. God Be with You."

God Bless YOU, Jessica. Although I will never see you again - I know that Jesus walks this earth because of you. You made a difference in my life today and I wish I could tell you again....thank you....for not listening to the voices telling you to stay away from the freaky lady with no hair......but listening to the voice of God telling you that I needed to see Jesus face to face today.

Guys mouths are best when shut

Have you ever seen the commercial where the gal is getting ready to go out and she puts on the slinky dress....walks to her husband and asks, "Honey, does this make me look fat?" Of course, we all know what he says, right? If he knew what was good for him he just kept his mouth shut - or said something along the lines of, "of course not, honey. You look beautiful." It doesn't matter, anyway. If a woman asks that question it is because she already knows the answer.

It was this commercial that recently came to mind....during a conversation David and I were having. I was in his office doing some work on taxes....well, I was trying to do some work, but kept getting sidetracked. At any rate, over a salad and sloppy joe David and I started to talk - once again - about losing weight. He mentioned that he would like to lose 20 pounds...and I followed with I need to lose the 10 pounds I have gained and get toned again. I really miss working out. David looked at me and somehow I simply knew that whatever was getting ready to pour forth from his mouth was something that I did not want to hear....but he was going to say it anyway. I could see it coming - he was digging a hole and he hadn't said one word. And so he said, "Becky - I wasn't going to say anything. " (at which point I was thinking....then you should probably shut your mouth right now...but I said nothing and allowed him to keep digging). I simply looked at him and nodded, as if to say "Go ahead, David. I am dying to know what you THOUGHT you sholdn't say to me." And he continued, "but....if you would stop eating Dairy Queen all the time this might be easier." Wow.............

For the next 30 seconds I sat there in stunned silence. So did he - and my tirade went something like this. "You know what , David. The only freakin thing I can taste right now is tomato soup and ice cream. And I am NOT going to stop eating ice cream before the chemo is over. Do YOU have ANY IDEA what it is like to eat every day and not taste anything you are eating?" And.....Oh MY GOODNESS....he had the audacity to actually answer me. He said, "Yes - I did that once for two weeks......" I laughed......"You are kidding me, right?" He replied, "No - I had a cold." Folks. I had to bring this agonizing conversation to an end. So - I looked at him and indicated that this talk was over. I believe his last words were something along the lines of, "I probably shouldn't have said anything." NO KIDDING!!!!!! Guys, here is a hint. When you THINK you shouldn't say something - DON'T!!

Now I should probably put a disclaimer on this. David was just stating the obvious - but forgot he was stating it to a wife on chemo. And believe it or not, that makes a difference. There is a reason he often refers to me as "chemo brain." And while I think he is top notch and have probably placed him on a pedestal at times......I learned that even he can fall....as he did. No - seriously, that comment made him crash......and burn.

And so it is - the old saying is true. Guys - you are better off just keeping your mouth shut. Let's take Judas, for example. You would have thought he could have gotten a clue after he denied Jesus the first time. Hello, Judas - the cock crowing didn't set off some bells and whistles in your head. You had THREE TIMES to get it right.....and you had to open your mouth each one. How hard could it have been.....to just ZIP IT!!!

I am not complaining (okay, I am a little....but I have learned that no one listens to complainers....so I am trying to make it look like constructive discipline.) I have come to terms with the weight gain.....and believe me, I will enjoy my ice cream and tomato soup for another two months.....and then spend the rest of the summer getting it off again. Maybe, just maybe, Jillian will show up and whisk me off to the Biggest Loser Ranch!!! I will concede that Bob is the one man right now.....whose mouth is better off not shut.

Have a great day!!!!

Cocky...to be or not to be.

I have always told my kids to not be cocky. Cocky gets you nowhere - especially when it is with your mother!! Why is it that I can not heed my own advice???

Yesterday was the arrival date of Karen - she was flying in from California to take some photos of her bald friend (that would be me). I thought I should clarify since Karen has a lot of bald friends...many of whom are former classmates - yikes - can't believe it - but there are a lot of bald 40-somethings out there.....As a matter of fact, I had dinner Saturday night with three of them!! It was a little funny. I am not sure how we got on the subject, but Phil mentioned that "bald rules"...and I piped in, "Hey, we do!!!". With me at the table, we actually had FOUR baldies!!! Let me just add....the men make much better looking baldies!!!

I digress...back to karen. Sunday I received a call from her. I thought for sure we were going to discuss her itenerary and coordinating her pick-up at the airport. The first words out of her mouth were, "I have a cold and mom says I can't come see you." HA!!! I thought she was joking. She wasn't. No problem - I simply asked her if she had a fever or the flu. Of course, she did not. So, I said I would call the medical oncologist and see what he said. The great thing about Siteman - they have a medical oncologist on call 24/7 and I can call them about ANYTHING......so I did. I really didn't think it was necessary - especially since Karen did not have a fever. I had always been told I could not be around anyone who had a fever or the flu for at least two weeks after....if someone had said a "cold" then I missed it.

So the doctor called me back........and agreed that Karen could not come. Well, those were not her exact words. Karen could come if I wore a mask the entire time, washed my hands continuously.....and was not exposed to Karen at all. Needless to say, that is NOT what I wanted to hear. Seriously - I thought the doctor would say it was no problem since she had not had a fever. Well, the fever had nothing to do with it. The issue is infection - and since she has a sore throat, is sneezing (transference) and doesn't feel very good, there is a high probability she could give me something. Which - would not be an issue if I was not taking chemotherapy........

Remember my comment about being cocky? Well - I prefer to call it over-confident. that sounds so much better...And, if I might add, I think a little bit of cocky does a whole lot of good when you are fighting cancer.....

So, I may have been a little cocky - but Karen will get here eventually. So, I guess I be!!!

Prayer Request

Please pray for Phil Hoover, Sr. (Dalton's grandpa.....Dalton is in Austin's class and they are on the basketball team). Mr. Hoover had a biopsy earlier this week on a lump in his neck. They do not have the results yet - but the doctors have indicated they believe it is lymphoma....and they will be meeting with him next Monday to give the results.

So.......please pray. I have personally benefitted from the prayers you have given - I KNOW they work....and I am so thankful for the many prayer warriors who believe - and who do. So, please...let's all show Mr. Hoover what we can do together!!

God Bless You!!!! Thank you for checking in......

The Goodie Bag

Tuesday is chemo day around here.....and this week was no excpetion. Well, there was an exception - David got the day "off." My friend, Patti Saxer, otherwise referred to as "neighbor" took me for the day. This is what I call true friendship - a woman that will get up at 4am to be at my house by 5:45am in order to leave (it seems I have a couple of girlfriends who fall in this category!!! They are both shoppers, hard workers, and great moms....yeah - that explains it...early to rise is no big deal for them!!!) But the day started before Tuesday morning....it started last week when I got a big old package in the mail........

Yes, it came from my friend Beth. And it was big - so I was thinking....hhhmmmm...Beth has sent me some more cookies - and I was WRONG...well, partly wrong. She sent the cookies allright - but they were for David. For me - it was better. Beth had sent an awesome bag filled with all kinds of goodies that I would need for my day at chemo....it was like Christmas morning when I unpack the stocking all over again!!!

You would not believe what I was pulling out of this bag. I had magazines to read, crossword puzzle books to do (with a pen attached!!!), nuts, kleenexes, sanitizer, gum, licorice, trailmix, more nuts, and I am telling you - each time I opened the bag I found something else...something new that would satisfy whatever need I had at the time...bad breath, altoids to suck on when they accessed my port, (this was great - I asked Patti to hand me the bag THINKING I was going to grab some gum....and out from under the magazine popped the altoids.....beth thought of everything). So...the day wore on and it became very clear that everything I would need to make this day a little brighter, or my stomach a little happier......was in the bag. It reminded me of something else that has everything I need...........

The good book....full of wisdom, words of love, and a remedy for every ailment I have - in any day. I even referred to my bag as my "chemo bible....." I am in love with this bag and plan to keep it filled - and take it each and every Tuesday not only as a reminder of the love I have received from so many....but as a token of what God has done for me throughout this entire process....which is to remind me daily that He deals in the details. He sent his son to die on the cross.....taking care of me through a little chemo would seem to be something that should not even hit God's radar.....but it does. He doesn't forget the details....and I am so thankful for Him.....I am most assuredly thankful each day for the goodie bag. I am most thankful each day.....for you.

A Tale of Two Wigs

A couple of weeks ago I decided I wanted another wig - the first blonde wig I had purchased looked grossly like....a wig. Given I have another 4-6 months without hair, I decided a new wig was in order. So, I headed to Quincy with my friend Jill to make a purchase.

The lady at 8th Avenue escorted me to the back where the wig section lies.....sat me in a chair, and asked me what my natural hair color was. I started laughing hysterically. How should I know? It has been years since I had witnessed my natural hair color....so we looked at my eyebrows - and Jill found this wig. I liked the style - but the color threw me a bit. I don't ever remember having this color hair - but it certainly matched my eyebrows....so I said I would take it. The look grew on me and I have grown to love the brown wig. When Sophie first saw me she asked me what I was doing with Nelsie's hair!!! In addition to the brown wig, I decided to be a little bold - maybe get a long wig - a blonde, long wig! I may have just turned 41, but I feel like I am in my 20's....why not go for it??

So - the long blonde wig was ordered.....and last Saturday the whole family loaded up in the van to drive to Quincy to pick up the new wig....I went inside, the anticipation was simply killing me...so I went alone - I made everyone stay in the van to wait on me. I entered and was surrouonded by a swarm of young girls looking for prom dresses (great - no chance for privacy with this one.) I was, once again, escorted to the back and put in "the chair." The wig expert withdrew the piece from the box and placed it on my head. She immediately began to style it. Believe me - she is EXCELLENT at this....I don't know if she could see the sheer look of horror on my face, but she kept on styling!! She asked if I wanted to wear it out (lord, no, I was thinking - I look like an alien from Pike County...but I didn't want to hurt her feelings...yikes)...so I did...I wore this hideous hairpiece out to the van. I threw open the door, plopped in my seat, smiled at David and asked him what he thought.......no words or emotions were forthcoming. Yes - his lack of response was all I needed to confirm my worst fears. I was an alien....a mixture of blonde ambition from the 80's and a length gone ALL WRONG.......

Simultaneous to my entry to the van, Austin was sending a text message to my friend Jill....it went something like this, "Mom just picked up her new wig and we have a problem." He sent this before he said even one word to his mommy.....believe me - it was justified!!! David, after seeing the sheer look of horror on my face indicated that it was not his favorite look - and he was darned happy I did not like it, either.

I hadn't planned to share this story - but the look is so hideous, I thought I would preserve it for future posterity...or something neat like that. Since I have the right...I am blaming the long, blonde wig on "chemo brain." My kids can pull this up in years to come and.....laugh at their mom. Hey - I will laugh with them. How could I not?

Celine

Need I say more? Last year Frank got tickets for Mary, Teresa, Frank, and I to go see Celine in concert. It was originally scheduled for November 11th, but she cancelled due to a sore throat. In hindsight, I was so happy because it was less than two weeks after my first surgery - and I was extremely exhausted.......and then last night arrived.....February 4, 2009, the Scott Trade Center....and some McCartney's ...and a Goetten....

The four of us left Pittsfield at 5pm on our blessed adventure. Believe me - it was blessed. How do I know this? Because at 7:15 we were taking the offramp and at 8:00pm...we were STILL on the off-ramp. I can tell you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, angels were carrying our car - because Frank mentioned, several times, that he was very angry (maybe those were not his exact words)...but the concert started at 8:00...hopefully with a warm-up act since we were obviously going to be late.

So - at 8:00 we are still on the off-ramp, and Frank does what we all wanted to do.....he goes down the left lane and makes a right turn(okay - there really wasn't a left lane, but he created one.....he is so creative) ....because we were following a bunch of driving IDIOTS....I can not even get into that - but he did it. We parked 4 blocks away - and STILL made it to our seats by 8:20...to see Gordy Brown, comedian, tear us up!!! I seriously do not know how to explain it other than to say it was Divine Intervention. God, of all people, knew how desperately we wanted to see Celine...and who wants to miss the opening number? I am still in a little bit of shock when I realize what Frank accomplished in 20 minutes....Teresa and I sat in the back and smiled....we knew how is was accomplished!!!

Celine - she was worth every penny and all the stress. We were sitting about 15 rows up from one of the ramps - and the seats were phenomenal. We actually saw her wink....and Frank insists she was looking directly at him (fantasy world).

This has nothing to do with chemo or cancer - but I simply had to let you know.....God is in the details and He didn't let us down!!! So - I give Him the credit....for one of the best concerts of my life!!!

My Item from the Man-List

Each day when I open my email account I have several emails that have been forwarded to me to read. On occassions, I will open my account and there are more than just a few - so on those days I have to decide which ones I will read and which ones I will simply delete from existence. On one particular day a few months ago it was decision making time....after much consideration and deep thought, I decided to read the one that was titled "men vs. women in the shower"...or something to that effect.

The first part of the email was a list of about 25 things a woman does in preparation for and into the shower. The man list? It had all of three items....but the one I remember was, "man stands in shower, blows his nose into his hand and shakes it off." Okay - that one was very disturbing to me. Confession time - I do this nearly EVERY DAY!!!! I couldn't believe that was on the man list like it was some female forbidden taboo.....Should I even be confessing this? Probably not....but ever since starting chemo, this particular man-item is something I can not live without.

It is the part of my shower I most look forward to - because until I have completed this daily ritual, I am unable to properly breathe. The chemo has thinned the mucous lining not only of my bronchial tubes, but of my nasal passage, as well. So, each day, it clogs up - and each morning it has to be "relieved" of the stress. So, yes, each day I have a really nice bloody nose - not so appealing to you - of that I am certain. Listen - I could get super graphic and share many details of other items the chemo has effected....but I love you more than that. Moving on......

Reviewing the man-list for the shower. If my memory serves me correctly (and my memory is HORRIBLE right now) the other two items for a man in the shower involved body parts that I do not possess....so it would be impossible for those items to pertain to me. Seriously - I am not kidding - it would be impossible. Please take my word on that. However, it gives me pause to note that....what is good enough for the man-list, might just be good enough for me - for all of us.

I am reminded of a line from a play that was done by Triopia many moons ago. I believe it was "Speak of the Devil." My brother was a junior (1980) and Jerry Hooker (can't remember his name in the show) was asked..."So, you have seen God....what does He look like?" And Jerry responded, "SHE'S beautiful!!!" Not sure if he said beautiful.....but the point is.. we all see God as a man....and he made God a woman!! I love it - one of my all-time favorite Ken Bradbury lines!!!

So, here is to us - to life - and to everyone being able to identify with the man-list.

"That's Beautiful, Mom"

I am not kidding when I say that I have tried.....every day....to see the goodness that surrounds me. ...I often look to my kids - the obvious choice since there are four of them and they are in close proximity to me at all times. And, as you can imagine, there are days when I think I will never see the goodness God has bestowed upon me. Now, I will admit - that terrible outlook is a direct result of my mood, I am quite certain....because the goodness is everywhere - I just sometimes - have my eyes closed (or just see what I want to see).....Well, today was no exception.

We went to church, and, as with most Sundays, I didn't get to enjoy the message, because I spent most of my time in "pew management." Ensuring that the floor is not scattered with cheerios...and the girls are doing as they should (like not killing each other). I am pretty sure God squints at me several times each week....since I most certainly threaten the lives of my children at LEAST three to four times during each service. And it ain't pretty....Today, as I sat there listening (or trying to....), Sophie came to me and put her arm around me and said, "You are so beautiful, mommy." Well, at that moment, nothing else mattered. All worries were gone and I was in complete harmony with....well, with something that felt really good........because she said it like...four or five times during church alone. I was wondering where this child came from....and then I decided to just enjoy it. My head was burning up (hot flashes from the chemo) and it was nice to focus on something else.

Now, not that I am a pessimist. As a matter of fact, I consider myself an eternal optimist. I never even questioned that Sophie really thought her mom was beautiful - you know......beautiful - what do YOU think of when you hear the word beautiful? Well, I was to soon learn that all is not always as it seems. You see, being Sunday, I usually take this day to wrap up loose ends - like, dust on the bed post, shoes out of order, and the clipping of kids' finger and toe nails. I summoned the girls to the bathroom and decided to start with Sophie.....since she loves this chore about as much as I loved my first 8 weeks of chemo...or better yet, as much as anyone loves a root canal without novicane!!

As I was clipping, Sophie grabbed her foot and said, "Oh, mom, that is so beautiful..........." I immediately flashed back to church and the several times my daughter had told me I was beautiful and realized...........beautiful OBVIOUSLY meant something very different to my three year old!!!! I had to laugh a little......she evidently did not appreciate my threats and found her own way to tell me so........

So what did I learn today? What goodness did I see? I saw an awesome God, who created me, and my children, and you in His image.....and in His infinite goodness (perfect wisdom), decided to bestow upon my daughter the word "Beautiful" ........thank God....it saved me having to follow through on my threats......

Have a Beautiful day.....