Confessions of a blogger

Cancer Sucks. Okay - I'm sorry....I know I'm not supposed to say that.....but there are days (albeit very few) that I think this cancer thing really sucks.....and Friday was one of those days. My cousins from Tennessee had shown up Thursday Night to hunt - and I was so excited to have their company...then Friday came and it wiped me out so I didn't get to visit as much as I wanted to that night - that REALLY made me mad...... I just want to talk right now......and release some of this.......pent-up frustration.

As I reported earlier, Friday was a "doctor appointment day". In my attempt to be frugal and save money, I had asked the coordinating nurse to try and get all of my pre-chemo stuff in on the same day as my reconstructive visit...and she did. She actually called me at 1:00 last Wednesday to say she was putting the itenerary in the mail......Okay, I am not a rocket scientist (and if you are, no slam intended) but I could figure out pretty quickly that her letter in St Louis was not going to reach the sticks of Pittsfield before I left at 6am Friday....all I wanted to do was say, "DUH."...but I didn't. I ALWAYS remind myself that this is definately no situation in which I want to be a hard-nosed customer. Some of these people stick needles into my body - I never want to upset them......

Moving On....I told her it would never arrive and I gave her a fax number. Once again, I am a moron - the number I gave her (unbeknownst to me at the time) was the wrong number...so I never received the itenerary. NO PROBLEM.....I told David that according to my fantastic skills at mapping out drive and arrival times, we would have 30 minutes to figure out where we were supposed to be. What I did know for sure (thanks to Paula who called at 5:30pm on Thursday to confirm) was that I needed to be at the Radiology room at 9:30 to have a port-cath inserted at 10:00...great - I could definately manage that.

We left Friday morning at 6am......and, I am happy to report that we were able to listen to our buddy Troy on WEAI until we were about 5 miles (or so) from I70....I was so stoked about that!!! he is the best DJ......and to hear the comfort of a familiar voice is very soothing.

We arrived at 8:49 on my clock in the vehicle......so I knew we had about 10 minutes to find where I was supposed to be (okay - maybe my mapping skills were a few minutes off this day) - I knew I was supposed to be somewhere at 9am......let me see if I can adequately describe for you how the next 15 minutes of my Friday went....let me just say - they were the most eventful minutes in David's life thus far. I can say, without a doubt, he spoke not a word......

8:49 - Arrive in the parking lot, drive up the "out" and park...(every trip we learn more ways to cut corners....legal and otherwise)

8:50 - walk the "bridge" and round the corner to the reception area.

8:51 - take elevator to 7th floor - I am absolutely certain Angela will be there (my medical oncologist's nurse)

8:52 - Talk to very large lady at 7B (yes - where all cancer patients must check-in...or suffer a horrible consequence) who has obviously never burned more than 10 calories in a day - because she never gets her big butt off that chair. SORRY...I know that isn't nice. I have to admit - I wasn't thinking that about her BEFORE I talked to her......it was AFTER she actually had the energy to look at her schedule and say " your name is not on the list. Your doctor is not in today." I KNOW THAT.....I want to see his nurse, I told her. "I don't know where she is" was her response - and it was quite obvious that if finding Angela for me would require getting her big butt off that chair, I was NEVER going to find her.

8:53 - take elevator to 3rd floor and talk to ladies in reception area. They don't know where I am supposed to be. One lady asked for a copy of my clinical trial - she saw some random doctors name on the list and called his office...they were clueless. I told her he was NOT my doctor....

8:54 - go to pre-registration area for my 10:00 port cath - I am thinking maybe these people can help me out

8:55 - I tell receptionist my dilemma...I am getting a bit irritated (and a little voice says to me....tread lightly - this is the receptionist for the people who will stick a needle in my blood vessel that will remain there for 6 months) That calms me down - for about 10 seconds. Long enough to have her tell me "I don't know who Angela is." FORGET IT....I said - and exited out of that joint like a firecracker.

8:56 - David, as he has been for the last 7 minutes, is carrying my jacket, my bag, my purse, my calendar, his coat, and some magazines - and he is following me like a faithful servant would...."good boy, daddy". That is exactly what Sophie would say to him at this point.

8:57- Back to receptionist - new lady - older with glasses, obviously more compassionate.....she takes my name. Given my 8:53 experience, I am not sticking around....and I order David to follow me again to the elevators to ascend to the 7th floor....I am going to break all the rules and go directly to 7A....I'll show them.

8:58 - Ask the nice lady with blonde hair....if Angela was there. She replied yes....and at that very moment Angela was walking out behind me....I swung around threw my arms up and yelled, "ANGELA!!!!!!" Seriously - everyone on the 7th floor heard me. This is a waiting area for patients receiving chemo and I have just caused at least three of them to wet themselves. No one says a word - confirmation, I am sure, that they have all had a similar experience. Or, maybe it was the horns that had slowly begun to grow out of my head......folks, I am a woman who likes to be in control - and I have just experienced the worst 9 minutes of my life. Would you believe that I was literally standing about 5 feet from where I was supposed to be at 9am? Of course you would - you guys know who I have put in control of this.

So the day began. I had blood drawn at 9am - best blood-draw of my life, thus far. NO KIDDING. This girl was good - I watched the whole thing and didn't even feel the prick. (I could totally say more on that.....but, uh, this is a PG site....and I was SO not in the mood for funny at that time.) After the blood draw I had to leave the 7th floor and go back to the 3rd floor (all in the Center for Advanced Medicine) to have an EKG and a chest x-ray. It was about 9:25.....and I know they want me at the port place at 9:30. I got there at 10:30 (Took them 65 minutes to do a 30 second chect x-ray and 10 second EKG). The Port department got me in at 11:30.....made me lay on a gurnee and wait until 12:30 and they finally started to do the port thing at about 12:45......So, while they are standing there inserting a tube into my neck to go down by my heart for administering the chemo, I indicate that I am supposed to be in nuclear medicine having my heart looked at - at NOON.....and then I am supposed to be at West County (30 minutes away by car) to see Dr. Brant at 2:00. One of the nurses kindly leaves the operating room to call both areas - they cancel my appt with Dr Brant and tell nuclear med I will be there when I get there.

I should have been relieved...I was - knowing we would be home before midnight....and I was also very, very upset. Dr. Brant was the doctor who was to release me from my driving restrictions and start me on some arm stretches......and I was told that all restrictions remained until I spoke with him....let me just say - I am driving, and I will call his office first thing tomorrow morning - I can handle the "no lifting" for another two weeks - but "no driving?"....that is plum ridiculous....

I end up leaving the hospital at 4pm.....and it ended up being a 13 hour day for David and I.....and I felt so bad for him - 13 hours sitting on those freakin hospital chairs......David looked at me on the way home and said, "That damn cancer gave me a back ache today." We looked at each other and cracked up.....he is a trooper - but no way he is going to let cancer keep him from giving me a hard time. He knows when I can take it and when I can't - if he had said that at 8:58 in the morning, I would have had the biggest meltdown he had ever experienced...Good call, daddy.....good call.

Back to the port-cath. I had PA Taylor, or Mike, Robin, and Maggie. Great team - but I want to talk about Mike. This is the guy that was putting the port in. For this particular procedure, which took about 1 hour and 15 minutes, I was awake. They used some local anesthesia to numb me up real good.....and covered my face - but I was awake.....and thought maybe I should take this opportunity to be really nice....remember - these people are INSIDE my blood vessels....I really don't want to tick them off. I asked him how many of these procedures he did....and last year alone he did 350 - YIPPEE!!! I was totally stoked to hear that.....and I complimented him, followed up with a comment about how I wasn't worried anyway because his hands were in God's hands - and I had put my life In God's control. (it was quiet for a second - but not at all in an uncomfortable way.)

I was so relieved when he responded.....we had a laugh about baldies which I will share in another post - and he simply told me to never be ashamed of this cancer. It was given to me and I had to deal with it - but I didn't have to be ashamed or try to please anyone....just be strong. Okay - I decided to listen to him. THANKS, PA Mike. I really like you!!

Needless to say, there will be no more attempts to consolidate doctor's appointments - we will simply make multiple trips. I figure it is a small price to pay....and who am I to complain? I have put God in control - so let Him be in control, and be greatful for all that He does for me......and know that whatever circumstance or issue I am dealing with , with respect to the cancer - or anything else in my life.....well......He is in control - what else is there to say?

Friday was a good day - and Monday? Monday is going to be even better. I am feeling great, looking forward to losing my hair.....and realizing that the best medicine is to surround yourself with things you love (because God knows that even I could not find humor on Friday......but I could find Him) - so, I have a photo of Nelsie and Gracie at Austin's game, mommy and Austin at Homecoming, Gracie doing her cheer, and Patti at the wedding....just a few of the things I love!!!! I love you, too!!!!!