Miracles.....Carolyn

Survivor Guilt. I can't explain it - I don't think I ever felt guilty for surviving. I felt guilty for being thankful that I didn't die.....especially when I was witnessing those who WERE going to die. I know that was a mouthful - does it make any sense?

Yesterday David and I drove to Ft. Madison, Iowa to visit MariJane. She used to work for David and Bill for YEARS in the real estate business - and she is a fantastic woman. We often refer to her as the "Queen of Real Estate". Actually - anyone who knew her in her prime refers to her as the same. She is top notch.

She moved away from Pittsfield about 6 years ago and I am ashamed to say....we had never it up to see her. Until yesterday. And this trip - well.......this trip had to happen. You see, MariJane called us about 4 weeks ago to tell us that her daughter, Carolyn, had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. STOP!!!!!! Of course, my first thought was - phooey.....we will pray her through this. God can change anything.....He can.

So, I prayed about this trip about sharing Jesus with Carolyn and changing her life - about showering her with the love of Jesus. And letting her know that the one thing you can always count on is Him (well....dying and paying taxes........but even taxes can be skirted.) I met Carolyn about 7 years ago. She had shown up to help her mom sell her properties - and David was buying them. He had always admired MariJane's things and was looking forward to carrying on her traditions. It was an interesting meeting - I liked Carolyn from the start. Think of the most strong-willed person you have ever met and I promise you....they do not hold a candle to Carolyn!!! She and I really hit it off!!!

Yesterday David and I were expecting to see a very sick Carolyn......I had envisioned a sick woman, unable to eat, or function.....because this cancer is aggressive and it is eating her insides. We showed up at MariJane's and high-tailed it over to Carolyn's house. When we walked in - there she was, sitting at the kitchen table getting her hair cut!! And I must tell you - she was more beautiful than I had ever seen her. Now, I had only met her once - but I had seen photos - and WOW did she look great!!! It was hard for me to imagine that she is dying - and according to the doctors will be gone very soon.......

I just had to write to tell you about her because the visit was so profound - I went there expecting to share something to "rock her world." And before the day was over - she had rocked mine. We were standing at the door to leave and it was simply hard to walk away (no tears, by the way - that would have ticked Carolyn off.....NO TEARS ALLOWED!!!) I looked her and our conversation went something like this:

ME: "Carolyn - you truly are a remarkable woman. I came here today to tell you how much I love you and how much Jesus loves you...and you have taken my breath away with your strength and courage. NO ONE could handle what you are living like you have done. Your family is truly blessed."

CAROLYN: "Well, I see it like this. We are only here for a very short time. And in that time I believe we need to love as much as we can, learn as much as we can, and give as much as we can. If we are not doing that, then we are not doing something right."

I feel so blessed to have spent that two hours with her - and as I left I told her it was my hope that we would see each other again. I believe in miracles and I believe God will make her well. I don't know how that will happen - maybe a miracle on earth, or maybe not......but what I DO know....is HE is changing the lives of every person that has the opportunity to know her. I thank God that HE gave me that chance.

15 minutes of fame

Have you ever heard someone talk about their 15 minutes of fame? It's a common saying - I know you have heard it one time or another in your life. I remember a very nice man telling me one day that God had GREAT things in store for me - we had been at a lay witness mission...I don't know who he was or where he is - but I always remembered that - and always wondered when my 15 minutes of fame would come.

Several weeks ago I received a call from a friend asking if I would be willing to speak at the Fight Back ceremony for the Tri-COunty Relay for Life. Of course I said YES....and I said it immediately. And then I wondered, "What in the world can I say to these people about fighting back?" I prayed - and stressed - and prayed some more about how I could make a talk INTERESTING and not a downer - when I have to tell them my story about cancer. And get this.....they asked if I could talk for 15 minutes.

All I know is this - I have wondered my whole life...and my guess is that God has granted me MANY 15 minute opportunities....but there has been none that mean more to me than this 15 minutes. It is TONIGHT....around 10pm...so, if you aren't busy - would you mind lifting me up so that my words are HIS.....and humility is evident. I can not tell you how honored I feel - and how humbling it is.......

Thank you....once again.....

Bone Scan and Port Removal

OK.....a rather boring title for this entry - but sometimes I am simply all out of creativity. So, I thought I would make the title what the blog is about - how novel.

Monday I had a follow-up appt with the surgoen who did the oophorectomy (as I stated earlier). I left the house at 6am and was home by 1pm.......7 hours gone and 20 minutes with the doctor...yikes. Anyway, that was Monday and yesterday I had a bone scan and port removal. I am SO THANKFUL........

I had asked earlier for prayer regarding the severe joint and bone pain. We thought it was the clinical trial. Needless to day, I halted taking the drugs and the pains have not gone away. But - while I was talking to the clinical coordinator on the16th she mentioned that part of the trial was a bone scan at the end and she wanted to know if I would like to do that...OF COURSE, I said!! So, that was in the morning and took about 3 hours....I then went to radiology to have the port removed. The port is what was placed in my body close to my right shoulder for administering the chemo - in order to save my veins......I asked if I could keep it as a souvenir. And do you know what they said to me?? Since chemo had flowed through this thing it is considered "toxic" waste and has to be destroyed. I blurted out, "BUT I PAID FOR IT!!!" Well...that didn't matter. They did, however, allow me to see it when it was out. And it was SO COOL!!!

Back to the bone and joint pain. My doctor seems to think it is the taxol (the last chemo drug I was on). I could have these pains for awhile - and that is so not cool.....but since I know that, I will continue to try and not complain (hehehehehe).

Did I say thank you???? If you are reading this, I hope you will make plans to come to my house on August 22nd.....I am planning a celebration - of life, friendship, hope......all things good!!! We will also have some auction items to try and raise funds for breast cancer research....but you don't have to buy anything!!! All you HAVE to do is plan to come and have fun.....eat, drink, and be merry.......and there are a few other surpirses I won't mention!!!!

God Bless you........

Two for the price of one!

Have you ever gone to the store to buy something and when you get up to the counter you are super excited to find out.....there is more of a discount than you had originally thought? That feeling - like you have won the lottery - is one of the finest feelings a shopper can have.

I am here to tell you that feeling does not only apply to shopping for things....it can apply to your body - your health. I have the perfect example. I had my ovaries removed on June 11th. They also removed the fallopian tubes. I love it because my doctor told me on Monday that reduces my chances of ovarian cancer by 97-99%. I really like those odds! At any rate, while I was in her office she gave me the results from the surgery. I believe her exact words were, "this is the best news I can deliver to you." There were no cancer cells anywhere. She followed up by saying my washings were clear as well. I was like, "What is a washing??" She said that while they were in there....scraping out my ovaries....they also "washed" the linings of my abdomen to see if there were cancer cells present there, as well. I was so excited - take one ovary, get one washing....but they took BOTH ovaries - so I got TWO washings.... and they were both NEGATIVE!!! I felt like I hit the washing lottery.

So.....life is moving on and I am so excited to feel as if I am finally at the end of this season of my life......just one surgery to go!!!

I have more to share, but a son that needs a ride - so I PROMISE I will do a couple more blogs before next week......thank you for caring, for praying, for listening, and for believing with me. I truly love you.

Surgery...the "oops-erectomy"

OK...It is not really called that - it is an "oopherecotmy." What a mouthful...and Heaven knows I hope it is not an "oops..."!

But it is tomorrow - and while I had absolutely NO reservations about losing my breasts, I can not say the same about my ovaries. It is one thing to say I am blessed with four children and so proud of them - it is another to know that I CAN'T have anymore....I am a type A, like being in control, and this is definately pushing my comfort zone.

David, Austin, and I are going down tonight since check-in is at 5:30am. Austin isn't going for ths surgery - his flight leaves for Atlanta at 10:24am...he is going to see his dad. The two guys are going to check-in to the hotel and leave for dinner - I will be staying at the hotel and spending most of my time in the bathroom. I am on an all-clear liquid diet today and starting at 5pm....I take some serious stuff to clean me out. I really can't wait for that moment - so much I could say about God going to great lengths to "cleanse" me, but I will leave that for anothet day.

I would like to ask for some specific prayer. As of yesterday I have been halted on the clinical trial. I have severe bone pain and arthritis which have taken over my life (I believe as a result of those lovely pills) - so we have to get this figured out next Tuesday when I go to see my oncologist....I can tell you that the last three weeks have not been fun - and I can't "fake" it anymore....the pain has become unbearable....so........thank you !!

Take care - have a blessed day....I am giving thanks to God repeatedly for the many blessings He has bestowed upon me - not the least of which is YOU!!!!

Do you have a Heather in your life?

Last week on Tuesday my friend Troy called me and asked me what I was doing on Wednesday. Well....I had a ton to do - reports for David, the bank, etc.....but I told him I was available. He wanted me to ride with him to Monmouth (where the heck is THAT?) to talk to an old high school friend of his who had been diagonosed with cancer......

..........I don't think I was speechless.....but my body went limp. My first thought was - ABSOLUTLEY!!!! And then, after he hung up and we had made arrangements, I was terrifed - what in the world could I share with this woman that would help her? (I should have known that I have nothing to share - it is God who would speak to her......) The next morning I tried to put it off until Friday - bad weather coming, not enough time since I had to be back in Pittsfield....Troy said NO PROBLEM....I will have you back in plenty of time....so he came to get me - and we went.

I am so very thankful that Troy called me that day. You see - I got to meet Heather, a beautiful, young, vibrant, mother of four and wife to one ...... and a Christian. While I couldn't repeat to you the meeting ver batim....I can tell you this - God was in control. I don't remember much of what was said - just that the room was full of love. I knew the minute I met her she would be okay - she has put God in control.....a beautiful reminder that He will always be in control if we let Him.....something I still struggle to do on a daily basis.....

If you have a Heather in your life, you are blessed.....thank God for the opportunity and embrace it.....He has something He wants to tell you!!

God Bless you....

Update

I was so good at blogging in the beginning. I have asked myself several times why I don't blog more often - and the answer I keep giving is....what do I have to say? I think it is a natural human response to think that we are not worthy - or important enough. And while those thoughts of myself may not change, I just want to say THANK YOU for taking the time to talk with me, and journey with me.....I promise to try to keep you up on things!!

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Nearly 40 trips to Siteman in the last 7 months and this was the first time I travelled alone....and I did NOT like it!!! On the one hand, I didn't have to worry about wasting someone else's time. On the other hand - my body naturally wants to sleep on this trip - so on the way home, my body was trying to sleep....All I can tell you is that didn't really work for me - or the 10,000 other cars on the road....

I had to go to Siteman to do pre-op testing for my Oopherectomy (try saying that 5 times fast), meet with the clinical coordinator for the trial I will be on for the next three years, and meet with my oncological surgeon - the fabulous woman who removed my breasts. It was a fabulous day. I found out that I will NEVER get lymphodema (sp?). For those of you who knew Marty Floyd (well, first of all - you were lucky to have known her)...but you may remember her arm swelling up like a balloon. In her case, they had removed all of the lymph nodes from that arm - and the unfortunate swelling is a possible life-long side effect. In my case, the doctor did a sentinal node operation - she only removed the sentinal node and one other node from each breast.....and she told me that she has NEVER had a patient with my type of surgery get lymphodema.....so I can start lifting. She also released me for all exercises!! I was so happy I cried.......I had two other doctors tell me I wouldn't be able to lift more than 15 pounds for THE REST OF MY LIFE......Thank God they were wrong!!

So now I am waiting for surgery on June 11th. I have an appt on June 16th with my oncologist, July with the clinical coordinator, and Sep 10th I will have my breast reconstruction......I can tell you that things are definately looking up in my camp. There really IS light at the end of this tunnel!!!

God Bless You......

August 22, 2009

I wanted to talk about this date. It is the day we have chosen to have a party - to celebrate good health, freedom from drugs, and a new life. So, mark your calendars.....I look forward to seeing you on August 22nd. More details to follow!!

Where do we go from here?

Wow - sorry for the long delay.....I suppose there aren't a lot of you still following this since I haven't written in so long.....I am so sorry - but thank you for everything!!

My last chemo was April 14th - HALLELUJAH!!! I actually feel better every day. I sang a song with Sophie last night (Jesus Loves Me) and for the first time in 7 months my throat didn't hurt - I could actually sing a song! I can not tell you how wonderful that felt. And there are little blessings such as this every day.

I find it interesting that a lot of things have happened to my body in just the last 3-4 weeks. I had a horrific looking rash all over my arms. The remnants of it are still there - I actually think it may have scarred....and boy does it look lovely....and I have canker sores, numbness all over, and a few other issues. But all in all - they are going away and I feel FANTASTIC! I feel so good that I am not even going to complain about the fact I get no sleep. Yes - it is the menopause. I have night sweats that produce enough liquid to drench the Sahara. And when I'm not sweating I'm teetering between hot and cold. The bad news - is for my kids. Their mom is going through menopause and they get yelled at sometimes for no apparent reason. The good news is that their mom will not be going through menopause when they are in high school (the girls). I knew it was bad when Austin stood up the other day and left the room because he said he didn't like my attitude!! The best part is that I absolutely KNEW I was being a little contradictory...I simply could not help myself.

Where do we go? Well, I had a follow-up with my oncologist and he said if I was having a hard time dealing with the chemo being over then they could recommend counseling. I literally laughed out loud. I said, and I quote, "listen, I am totally NOT having a hard time with this. I am glad it is over. I praise God for the good reports. I KNOW why I am doing so well. I just want to know if there is anything specific I should or should not be doing." He smiled....and recommended a new clinical trial.

Now, you might be thinking - is she crazy? Of course I am, but that is beside the point. This clinical trial involves bisphosphonates, which are given to patients with osteoperosis. The drug is also given to patients who have bone cancer and they have seen some great results. I should start by sharing with you my inspiration. As you know, I have triple negative disease and my cancer would not respond to any hormones. Also, because of my triple negative disease, studies show that my best chance for recurrence is in the next two years. And, if cancer does come back it will most likely come back in my liver, pancreas, or bones. I will be on this trial for three years - and I have EVERY intention of NOT getting cancer again!!! And at the end of the day, this should help give me some really strong bones!

Thank you so much for continuing to love me, support my decisions, and pray for me. I can not tell you how much that means. I will be back....I have some photos to share with you of when Austin went to chemo with me.......

God Bless you and your day!

March 29th Snowstorm

So, Robin showed up for the weekend to surprise us - and she brought snow from freakin Florida!!! Bella was at Sunday School, so Aunt Robin built snowmen with Gracie and Sophie. I wanted to share with you - by suppertime the snow was gone and the girls were in shorts!!

What are friends for?

Karen recently came for a short visit and while she was here...she cut her hair!! No - she shaved her hair. Austin helped her do it. She thought it would make me feel better. Now - I have had two friends shave their head for me!! thank you Troy and Karen....I don't know what to say!!! Except - isn't it GREAT to be bald!! It really does feel good........and I included a photo of Karen WITH hair so you could see what she used to look like!!!

A few dates to remember

My first surgery will be June 4th. I am having my Ooopherectomy that day - you gotta love that name!! Dr. Thaker will remove my ovaries and my filopian tubes. I am not having a complete hysterectomy. It is not necessary since I am not having any trouble in that area and there is no connection between the BRCA1 gene and cancer of the uterus. I was very happy to hear this - because it is not normal to remove these organs. The uterus actually helps to hold up the bladder and some other stuff as well (can't remember all she said). I was just happy to hear Iwon't have to have a complete hysterectomy!!

Now, the breast reconstruction....will occur in September. Because of possible bacteria in the blood stream after the ooopherectomy we must wait 3 months. If bacteria were to land on my reconstruction job it would be a very, very bad thing!! So - I chose to have the ovaries removed first because I think it is by far the most important of the two surgeries. I will, however, have to watch it when I give people hugs. I hugged Nelsie good-bye at the airport the other day and literally bruised her chest where she hit my boobs!! I told you they were like brick-bats. I bet if the law were to inspect these suckers they would make me register them as weapons....

And, finally, we are planning a party. I would really like to have people get together to celebrate - life, recovery, survivorship, and hope. And it will be SO NICE to not be tired anymore!! So, mark your calendars for August 22nd.....and I will have more details forthcoming. I love you - and you are invited to share with me!! I figure, you have been on this journey with me - we need to celebrate together!!!

I have a lot to share with you - my last chemo today, my son, my friend Karen shaving her head, Easter.....so, tomorrow I plan to put on some photos and share!!! Thanks for being there...have a super day!!!

Menopause, sickness and The Bench

I know this might not be the best title for an entry, but I know myself well enough to know that as much as I will try NOT to talk about it, I will keep coming back to it - I have a tendency of doing that. The way I see it, 41 is WAY TOO YOUNG for someone to be going through menopause....and for all of you who think this is normal, it most certainly is NOT....I thought the heat flashes were from the chemo...no...no no no no no.....the heat flashes are what my ovarian oncologist referred to as "pre-menopausal" and while it is not unheard of, it is uncommon...most women do no start going through the pre-stages until they are 50. Chemo has a way of jump-starting the process sometimes....

It wouldn't have mattered anyway..... I will be "postal" with menopause after June 4th because Dr. Thaker will be removing my ovaries and she will be all over!!! I will say this - I am so thankful for that. I must admit that I think it is better to go through it all at once as opposed to at separate times...chemo, menopause, a boob job.....yeah - I am thankful....I can't differentiate one from the other....so this is a great thing (although not recommended if you have a choice).

And I want to take a few minutes to apologize for not blogging for awhile - but I have been sick for a little more than two weeks...and I am a bit miffed at my regular oncologist (I see him every three weeks.) I told him more than two weeks ago that I had an infection in my body and would be getting sick.....I could feel it. He examined me and told me that he thought it was virul - the nurse told me to wash my hands - and he said this was all normal...blah blah blah blah blah. I say this - no one knows my body better than I do. And for the past two weeks I could literally barely get out of bed because of this "virus." I was sleeping all morning and having to be home in the afternoon. My doctor told me at the time I could no longer work out. I could walk two miles at a time at 3.0 to 3.5 mph.....because the chemo is a shock to my system and now I think that instead of fighting the infection, my body was using its energy for my workouts (or maybe I was doing that). Anyway - by this past Friday I felt so sick I did not want to get out of bed. By Saturday afternoon it was all over. I called the oncologist oncall on Sunday and by 10:30am had a z-pack started in my system. THANK GOD....because the infection had gone to my chest - I knew it eventually would.... at any rate... a long story to tell you I am sorry!! And to remind everyone to take control of your own medical care. I know doctors are smart - but they do NOT know you better than you know yourself - I don't care WHAT the stethoscope is telling them!!!

And so much happened over the past two weeks. As you know, my sister flew in to surprise everyone, Karen came out to take some photos and see the kids - and others, as well. She got to visit with David Harbin and Missy McDannald.....high school classmates....and Art and Betty Nergenah, and Roy Allen. I am not sure how she had time to see us!!!! But we had a great time while she was here...we even road tripped to the band competition in Carlinville with Heather Hayden - now THAT was a cool girls' road trip!!! To top it off, Bella ended her basketball season (5 weeks) on Saturday. Evidently she threw some boy across the floor as he was trying to steal the ball from her...he obviously had not been exposed to her competitive side. yeah - don't try to take the ball from Bella. She won't let you have it!! (Of course, I was at home in bed moaning....not sure why since no one was there to listen....kind of like the tree in the forest.)

And then today was chemo. Diana sent my bag stuff for today!!! A Peanut Butter bunny, licorice, a book....and a blizzard card!!! Yeah - its all gone. You know me - I dig into that stuff!!! And I really want to tell you about the bench.

I know I have talked about the bench before. It is where David and I sit every week - it is where I was sitting when I heard the man call his family a couple of weeks ago. It is where I sat today...and nearly fell asleep I was so tired. Funny - David and I went down yesterday to see the ovarian oncologist and decided to just stay since we had to be back at 8:30 this morning. That was a good call on our part......anyway. I was on the bench by myself because I told David to just take his time......

And I had the best thoughts while I was sitting there. You see. Beth - my friend from high school who is a rock in my life - used to sit there with her dad. And I was sitting there today when I realized it is where I was sitting when I was waiting for Beth and her dad to walk in for chemo...the morning he passed away. It is where I was sitting when Kim sent the text about Jim. And I had this thought. Yes - Jim has gone to be with God, but Jim didn't die - his body did. He never gave up - and his spirit is alive and well and kicking at Siteman....and with every other person who had the chance to fight with him......and know him. I sat there and I could HEAR their conversations. I think it went something like this:

Beth: Now, dad. I am going to go get you a blizzard. And you are going to eat it. I know you you aren't hungry today. But you know the alternative isn't good...and I am not talking about losing weight - I am talking about me kicking your butt and everyone here seeing it.

Jim: (completely speechless he simply looks at her and smiles" Yes - whatever you say, Beth (as he chuckles)

Yeah - I have no idea what was said on that bench, but I heard a lot today and it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me SO THANKFUL that God has the power to share - and He knows just what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. And I needed to hear her dad today. Someone who didn't know what giving up meant. He never did - I want that fight in me for everything.......and sitting on that bench has changed my life over the past 20 weeks......thank you, God....for giving me that bench. Please share it with others as You have with me.

God bless you.....now go sit on your bench and simply listen. You will be amazed at what He has to share with you.

Nice Surprises

So last Friday I was driving to Pittsfield to get a massage and decided to call my sister - she had called while I was in the shower so I assumed she was on her way to work. She answered the phone and asked what I was doing. I told her...I was driving to Pittsfield....so I asked what she was doing...and she said she was on her way to my house!!!

Yes - that was a nice surprise!!! Robin has a way of making a big splash.....and it was a little extra sweet because she got to be here for Austin's 15th birthday party, Toni Surratt's 50th birthday celebration, and she also got to share in an experience with her friend Brenda. Brenda has a little girl...well, she isn't so little. She is 15 and a sophomore in high school...and very, very cute!! Jill (brenda's daughter) had to make a trip to Children's hospital to have some tests done. Robin went with them.....Jill has a heart condition that is quite serious. All I can say is this - I have seen the power of your prayers. I have felt the power of God rain down on me...and others....so now - I am asking that you add Jill to your list. If anyone can make this heart condition disappear....it is you, coming together to pray!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

So, Robin showed up, we got enough rain to flood the Tennessee Vally, and 4 inches of snow Saturday Night. I am telling you - when she comes around, things happen!!! But I wouldn't have changed this nice surprise for anything. And when she gets around to it, she will email the photo of her and the girls and Austin standing by the snowmen in our yard, that were gone by dinner time!!! I will be sure to post it!!

God Bless you....and have a great day!!! P.S. Got some great news at the doctor. Will post more later.

Dad's Tired

Okay, I am going to try and blog this one - no jokes - no attempts to be funny. Just want to share with you what I witnessed on Tuesday.

Tuesday was a late day. I spent the morning at the doctors office with Austin - he has all kinds of infections....and while I was a bit upset that chemo was not scheduled until 2pm, having my baby boy be sick and takinig him to the doctor - made the late appointment a blessing. So....God makes all things clear in time - and He is in the details....as He was for me over and over again on Tuesday.

David and I arrived and they got me right in to do the blood draw....it was about 1:00pm....so, we were thinking I could have the blood drawn (which usually takes about 2 mintues...to access the port and everything). Let's just say - 45 minutes later I joined David in the waiting room. The blood would not cooperate and in the end they had to give me Activase again...and they simply drew the blood from my arm so we wouldn't have to wait 30 mintues on the Activase....while I was also not thrilled with the arm-thing....I want to tell you - Dan the Man came in to draw my blood and for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE....I did not feel anything. I didn't feel the needle go in or come out....I guess the fact that he does it about 50 times every day had something to do with it - but he was amazing.

So....getting back on track. I told David to just go ahead and go to lunch and leave me there. I didn't leave because I knew they would call me in the next 20 minutes or so - and I for certain wanted to be getting in there so we could get out......

Now, let me paint a picture for you. About the first time we went to chemo David found a wooden bench located down the hallway next to the bathrooms. It is in front of the windows so there is a nice view of the street below....and it is completely quiet - not to mention, it is a bit more germ-less than the cloth seats. David and I sit here every time....it is just a nice space...away from it all.

Tuesday was no exception. I was sitting on the bench, doing a crossword, and waiting for my beeper to go off (they give you beepers just like you get at the restaurants when you are waiting for a table) when I heard a man approaching. I am not sure why - but I started listening to his conversation. He had obviously walked down this hallway so he could have some privacy. He was alone, on his cell phone, and his conversation went something like this:

"Hey, bud. This is dad and we just got out of the doctors office. It wasn't good news, but of course, you know we didn't think it was going to be good news. The chemo I have been taking is not working. The doctor said there is one more drug they can try and if it doesn't work I have 6-8 weeks. How do I feel? Well, bud, dad is tired. I told you last week I could feel the cancer taking over my body. I can't eat and this week I lost 6 more pounds. It just isn't good. When? Well, mom and I are going to stay today and they are going to do the treatment. But I want to tell you, son, that if I don't feel good after this I am not going to do it anymore. No, no I won't get to enjoy my golden years with you and the kids - but I love you - and I want my last days, whatever they may be, to be good ones. And, son, dad is tired. I am just very tired. Now, you know this is a phone call your mom just couldn't make. She is down in the cafeteria getting something to eat and she has been crying non-stop. She just can't talk to you right now. SO, I am going to hang up and call your sisters. We'll be home soon. I love you, too."

I was......relieved. I am so ashamed. I listened to this man and all I could think of was how thankful I was that I never had to make that phone call. And then I felt sick. I wanted to run up to him and scream - YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT....and realized I couldn't make that call. So, I just watched him - and before he could call his daughters he went into the waiting room and sat down. He looked as if he could cry - but he didn't. He was being the rock...waiting patiently for his wife to return. I couldn't even talk to David about this man - I tried, but I wanted to cry, so I stopped. But I have not stopped thinking about him - and I will be looking for him the next three weeks.....hoping and praying that he felt good after that chemo and that his body will give it a chance.

But he is a dad - and he is tired - and he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. What a strong, wonderful man. I love him and I know Jesus loves him and I will never forget the courage and strength that poured out of him during that phone call.....and I will pray, and I ask you to join me, that God will shower this man and his family with His grace and mercy....and a miracle. I believe it. And I don't even need to see it to know it will happen. You see - God was in all the details fo rme this day...blood not cooperating, the bench in the private area, me not going to lunch....God will be in the details for him, too.

Willy Wonka and some teenage wisdom

Okay....I can hear it at least a hundred times, but I am a woman - therefore, I am vain. No matter what you say to me I am going to criticize myself. I had someone tell me the other day that was TOTALLY normal - it is a "female" thing. I agree with her...and I am so tired of it...but I am fairly certain it won't change!!

So, Saturday I awakened in my usual fog, unable to see clearly (literally - due to the benadryl, I believe), a wee bit tired, dry-mouthed, and ready to start the new day!! I stammered to the bathroom to freshen up and was stopped dead in my tracks upon entering the "mirror-zone." Looking back at me, much to my dismay, was the Blueberry girl. You all know her - even if you have never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, you have HEARD of the characters in the show....Well...on Saturday, I became the blueberry girl. I am going to blame the steroids. Heaven knows I do not want to blame the peanut m&m's....

Seriously - for a moment....I felt as though the gods of chemo were giving me a taste of what I have been seeing for nearly 5 months. I have SEEN people at chemo who looked....well....bare. There was nothing there - I have seen patients who I could not tell if it was a man or a woman....because of the swelling. Their expressions were filtered by the drugs they had been taking - and I didn't get it.....until Saturday morning. I have been popping out for some time. Believe me - I have 4 children who keep things "real" for me on a daily basis....Gracie and Sophie press on my stomach every single day and tell me....how big it is. I used to try and hide it - and now I have begun to embrace it. It is a part of this journey.....and, hey, who am I to take a laugh away from my kids? But what I really want to share with you is the wisdom of my teenager. It isn't that I don't listen to everyone. I do - and I appreciate and accept the love and support that is forthcoming. But I would be lying if I didn't say - there is something about the words of my babes that moves me. (Like when Gracie tells Sophie, "Geez, Sophie, do I have to slap you? You need to be quiet or I'm going to mash your mouth." Yeah - she says it...and she means it.....)

Austin and I were having a chat very recently (like...this past week)....it wasn't an out-of-the-ordinary chat...we chat all the time. Let's just say I am a mom who likes to know things -and he is a child who likes to keep me informed. Actually, he probably keeps me informed so I won't pester him so much....(holy cow - I really hope he doesn't feel that way)....Okay - back to the story. Teenage wisdom??? I, the mother, was a bit overwhelmed about looking like the Pillsbury Dough-Girl. Austin told me that he doesn't care what I look like - he just cares that I'm here. For that, my friends, I proudly....... go blue.

Thank you, God, for keeping this real for me - and reminding me that what is truly important is not that which we can see, but that which we know to be true and feel in our hearts.

Why waste time complaining?

I knew this would happen. As soon as the horns went back in my head and I settled down - I would feel bad for ever being upset....aboout the support gal at Siteman. As a matter of fact, the very next day on WIBI someone said.....we are all created in the image of God and worthy of respect. Alright...alright...alright....maybe that is true (and I believe it is)....but we are created in His image and IMperfect...the reason Jesus came back for us...the reason I got a little upset...and maybe over reacted....the jury is still out on that - and since I am the jury - I guess I will reserve judgement on it.

So, why complain? I have people ask me often how I am doing...and many times I comment that I am just fine - no complaints here. And then I follow it up with, "well, I have complained, but no one is listening so I decided to stop complaining." Well - the truth of the matter is...if I am complaining, then I am obviously NOT focusing on the blessings I have asked to recieve. I read a daily devotional (have several and love them all)....and one day a couple of weeks ago the devotional said that "complaining is death and thanksgiving is life." It makes so much sense - why pray for something if you are only going to complain about it? Instead of complaining about the service from the support staff, I think I should have been giving Thanksgiving for those who help me - and hundreds of others - every day. Believe me, the good far outweigh the bad in that joint....and I need to keep THAT in mind.

So, the next time you wake up - remember to give God thanksgiving for the many blessings you receive and prepare yourself to be blessed!!!

St Pat's Day chemo, 2009

Yes - I really did.

Faith

I woke up Tuesday morning...and I believed. It is what God has called me to do. Please understand - believeing is something I have down my whole life - I was "born into it"...THANK GOD....but believing took on a whole new meaning for me September 26, 2008. On Tuesday I woke up believing.

I suppose by now you are asking yourself..."What in the heck does she mean?" Well, let me explain. I believed God would provide all of the resources necessary for me to make it through the day. I hoped he would continue to bestow countless blessings on those around me. Where does this belief and hope come from??? Faith.

So, back to Tuesday. I grabbed my trusty chemo bag (the ONLY bag I carry to chemo now!!!), jumped in David's vehicle with my pillow and bag in hand, and headed to Siteman. David - he really has the easy part. He can put the car on auto-pilot now and we can take a nap together. It is sweet - truly sweet. Sorry - chemo brain in action...I tend to digress more and more. I suppose if this were being given a grade....I would most likely fail for "failure to stay focused."

"How was Tuesday?" you are asking yourself......let me start at the end. Since I have faith which allows me to believe and hope when others may not, I can tell you there was a silver lining at the end - but the road to get there was carved with a bunch of crap...sorry if you are offended by crap - but I could have said something much worse - I toned it down!!

The last three trips to Siteman we have had problems getting my blood to flow from the port. I had to take deep breaths, lean back, raise my arm, turn to my side, breathe again, and then have the silly thing stuck further (holy cow that really, really, really did not feel good)......unfortunately that stuff didn't work this time. After about 20 needles of saline, they decided to give me Activase.....it would just take about 20-30 minutes and then the blood would flow. Okay - it did....so off to a rocky start, but no big deal - I really don't get worked up over that stuff...ESPECIALLY since the nurses are SO FANTASTIC!!!!! I say that with the kindest of hearts. They truly are! Today - Sandy was no exception. AND...she looked just like a friend of mine from high school - Becky Dunnagan...or Daniel now....weird - I kept wanting to call her Becky. (sorry - once again I digress.) The activase....my only issue was I KNEW I would be going pee ALL DAY LONG....and I was right. God provided.....I Believed he would.

Then I went to see my oncologist, Dr. Michel. OH MY GOSH!!! This guy had the best sense of humor today. (I didn't know he had one - so to see it was truly a gift.) I was a little taken aback. He was joking about my ice cream and how he could counsel me to LOSE weight - eating nothing but ice cream. Because, as he put it, "At the end of the day it is calories in and calories out. Portion control - yes, that is what it is. " I told him that theory would hold water - if I didn't eat half a gallon....and I actually had a DESIRE to portion control. Therein lies the problem, Dr. Michel.....I DON'T want to be controlled!!! But - he had a sense of humor. I had hoped that would happen - that was truly a blessing from God!!!!

Renee was not my nurse today. Now, I could start boo-hooing here and complaining, but I won't . Why - because God uses her. And someone else needed her more on chemo day than I did. How could I be even remotely upset about that - I KNOW how special she is.....

I was humbled to be in a room with at least two other patients who are fighting for their lives. Hospitalizations, inability to take the sickness the chemo brings, and the nagging thoughts of wondering when their bodies will give out....or give in. But WOW did they have spirit. One fella drives from Jefferson City....and he is there all day. We had some nice conversations about somoking in restaurants...you know - it all comes down to eating. They may be fighting the battle of their lives...for their life....but eating is STILL a priority. That is why I know they will win!!

And I almost forgot to share with you.....my chemo started 3 hours late. I think the hospital was sick yesterday. I typically get very worked up about doctors offices being THAT FAR behind....I would most likely just leave. But, I have to admit - I just don't get worked up at the chemo center....and, to top it off, Laura came in to tell me they were schedulinig my next three appointments and she was wondering if I had a time preference. Now THAT knocked me off my socks - 11 treatments and I have never been asked for a time preference. So, I told her - first thing in the morning!!! When I awakened 4 hours later I asked David if they had brought the schedule...he said no. Well, the assistant overheard me and told me it was on the desk next to my chair. I picked it up and you will never guess what I read. My next two appointments start at 2:00 PM. I can not even begin to describe to you the heat flowing through my body - but I think the horns popping out of my head were a nice pre-cursor to what flowed from my mouth.

I eloquently asked...."Is this a joke?" To which she replied with a blank stare...so I continued...,"For the first time in 12 weeks, I was asked for a time preference and was given the WORST times EVER....I have never had an appt past 12:15, and the last 4 have been at 8, 8:30, or 9:15....all of that without even asking." She replied that Sandra and Joyce do the scheduling and I could talk to them. I asked her if one of them could come in and talk to me - "oh NOOOOO they wouldn't do that." Okay. I looked around and of the 200 patients that were given chemo that day I was the ONLY ONE LEFT....so, I asked myself, "she can't get off her butt WHY???" But I didn't say it. Well, maybe my eyes said it for me.

They finished my treatment and I was free to go....so I went to Sandra who had my chart from the assistant. Actually, that isn't true - my chart was laying to the side. She had obviously been working hard on it. She saw me approach. I looked at her, smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Becky McCartney....." and before I could get another word out of my mouth she grabbed my chart, looked at me and said, "I cain't move your appointment. I don't have any other times available. If I put you at 8am I only have one hour." I wish I could tell you that at this point I was kind. Not really. I grabbed my schedule and turned and left. Oh that is not true, I rolled my eyes, slammed my hand on the desk to grab the chart, and THEN I left....I really, really, really wanted to lay into her - especially since it had been a very long day....but what would that have accomplished? Not to mention - shouldn't I lead by example? I wanted to lead her alright - but it had nothing to do with "example." So I walked away.

But have no fear - this is a Saukee mom on chemo and this little episode was NOT over. I marched my happy rear-end to the front desk and requested Caroline's number. Caroline is the coordinator for the clinical trial I am on. I got the number and called......I could have had her paged but thought better of it - I didn't think my current crisis constituted the type of "emergency" she was referring to when she mentioned in her voicemail that she could be paged. I very calmly repeated the events of the day and told her, quite frankly, that my son had a banquet AND a concert on the 17th and if they didn't change the time, I wouldn't be there. Well, I haven't heard from her yet.....maybe I should give her a ring. I don't think missing is an option.

I told you in the beginning there is always a silver lining - that is the great thing about faith. I believe and I have hope....and I still do. I am a bit disappointed that I was unable to keep a smile on my face the whole time.....but I AM PROUD that I didn't physically remove that woman from behind her desk and mash her mouth.....that would have been totally uncool (but would have felt REAAALLLL NIIICCEEEE.)

When I take me or "I" out of the equation and focus on the person or persons I am dealing with.....I realize that maybe we are not on the same playing field. God sends gentle reminders....as he did today...that He is in control and the road won't always be a smooth one....but He will always be the driver....if I just let Him......THANK GOD!!

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey - I truly love you.

The Most Beautiful Women in the World

You probably read the title for todays blog and are currently wondering where in the world I have been.......or who I have seen. Well...let me tell you. Last Friday I had lunch at the Red Dome with a group of ladies - all cancer survivors - who meet once/month.....to just talk....about anything. And, I can say, without exception, they are the most beautiful women in the world.

When I first walked in, I saw them sitting at the table, and I got choked up....but I didn't cry!!! I wanted to - I looked around the table and there were 7 survivors there....and several others who come on a regular basis but were not there on this particular day. While it is a group every woman wishes she didn't have to join.....it is also a group that every woman knows she is lucky to be a part of. These women are so full of love, strength, hope, and encouragement.....I could go on and on....I just wanted to share with you how humbling it was for me to be able to dine with this group - and become a part of their camaraderie.

It is a lunch I will not soon forget - and a lunch I will look forward to each and every month.