Becky's Blog

Miracles.....Carolyn

2009-07-16T10:27:00.000-07:00

Survivor Guilt. I can't explain it - I don't think I ever felt guilty for surviving. I felt guilty for being thankful that I didn't die.....especially when I was witnessing those who WERE going to die. I know that was a mouthful - does it make any sense?

Yesterday David and I drove to Ft. Madison, Iowa to visit MariJane. She used to work for David and Bill for YEARS in the real estate business - and she is a fantastic woman. We often refer to her as the "Queen of Real Estate". Actually - anyone who knew her in her prime refers to her as the same. She is top notch.

She moved away from Pittsfield about 6 years ago and I am ashamed to say....we had never it up to see her. Until yesterday. And this trip - well.......this trip had to happen. You see, MariJane called us about 4 weeks ago to tell us that her daughter, Carolyn, had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer. STOP!!!!!! Of course, my first thought was - phooey.....we will pray her through this. God can change anything.....He can.

So, I prayed about this trip about sharing Jesus with Carolyn and changing her life - about showering her with the love of Jesus. And letting her know that the one thing you can always count on is Him (well....dying and paying taxes........but even taxes can be skirted.) I met Carolyn about 7 years ago. She had shown up to help her mom sell her properties - and David was buying them. He had always admired MariJane's things and was looking forward to carrying on her traditions. It was an interesting meeting - I liked Carolyn from the start. Think of the most strong-willed person you have ever met and I promise you....they do not hold a candle to Carolyn!!! She and I really hit it off!!!

Yesterday David and I were expecting to see a very sick Carolyn......I had envisioned a sick woman, unable to eat, or function.....because this cancer is aggressive and it is eating her insides. We showed up at MariJane's and high-tailed it over to Carolyn's house. When we walked in - there she was, sitting at the kitchen table getting her hair cut!! And I must tell you - she was more beautiful than I had ever seen her. Now, I had only met her once - but I had seen photos - and WOW did she look great!!! It was hard for me to imagine that she is dying - and according to the doctors will be gone very soon.......

I just had to write to tell you about her because the visit was so profound - I went there expecting to share something to "rock her world." And before the day was over - she had rocked mine. We were standing at the door to leave and it was simply hard to walk away (no tears, by the way - that would have ticked Carolyn off.....NO TEARS ALLOWED!!!) I looked her and our conversation went something like this:

ME: "Carolyn - you truly are a remarkable woman. I came here today to tell you how much I love you and how much Jesus loves you...and you have taken my breath away with your strength and courage. NO ONE could handle what you are living like you have done. Your family is truly blessed."

CAROLYN: "Well, I see it like this. We are only here for a very short time. And in that time I believe we need to love as much as we can, learn as much as we can, and give as much as we can. If we are not doing that, then we are not doing something right."

I feel so blessed to have spent that two hours with her - and as I left I told her it was my hope that we would see each other again. I believe in miracles and I believe God will make her well. I don't know how that will happen - maybe a miracle on earth, or maybe not......but what I DO know....is HE is changing the lives of every person that has the opportunity to know her. I thank God that HE gave me that chance.

15 minutes of fame

2009-06-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

Have you ever heard someone talk about their 15 minutes of fame? It's a common saying - I know you have heard it one time or another in your life. I remember a very nice man telling me one day that God had GREAT things in store for me - we had been at a lay witness mission...I don't know who he was or where he is - but I always remembered that - and always wondered when my 15 minutes of fame would come.

Several weeks ago I received a call from a friend asking if I would be willing to speak at the Fight Back ceremony for the Tri-COunty Relay for Life. Of course I said YES....and I said it immediately. And then I wondered, "What in the world can I say to these people about fighting back?" I prayed - and stressed - and prayed some more about how I could make a talk INTERESTING and not a downer - when I have to tell them my story about cancer. And get this.....they asked if I could talk for 15 minutes.

All I know is this - I have wondered my whole life...and my guess is that God has granted me MANY 15 minute opportunities....but there has been none that mean more to me than this 15 minutes. It is TONIGHT....around 10pm...so, if you aren't busy - would you mind lifting me up so that my words are HIS.....and humility is evident. I can not tell you how honored I feel - and how humbling it is.......

Thank you....once again.....

Bone Scan and Port Removal

2009-06-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

OK.....a rather boring title for this entry - but sometimes I am simply all out of creativity. So, I thought I would make the title what the blog is about - how novel.

Monday I had a follow-up appt with the surgoen who did the oophorectomy (as I stated earlier). I left the house at 6am and was home by 1pm.......7 hours gone and 20 minutes with the doctor...yikes. Anyway, that was Monday and yesterday I had a bone scan and port removal. I am SO THANKFUL........

I had asked earlier for prayer regarding the severe joint and bone pain. We thought it was the clinical trial. Needless to day, I halted taking the drugs and the pains have not gone away. But - while I was talking to the clinical coordinator on the16th she mentioned that part of the trial was a bone scan at the end and she wanted to know if I would like to do that...OF COURSE, I said!! So, that was in the morning and took about 3 hours....I then went to radiology to have the port removed. The port is what was placed in my body close to my right shoulder for administering the chemo - in order to save my veins......I asked if I could keep it as a souvenir. And do you know what they said to me?? Since chemo had flowed through this thing it is considered "toxic" waste and has to be destroyed. I blurted out, "BUT I PAID FOR IT!!!" Well...that didn't matter. They did, however, allow me to see it when it was out. And it was SO COOL!!!

Back to the bone and joint pain. My doctor seems to think it is the taxol (the last chemo drug I was on). I could have these pains for awhile - and that is so not cool.....but since I know that, I will continue to try and not complain (hehehehehe).

Did I say thank you???? If you are reading this, I hope you will make plans to come to my house on August 22nd.....I am planning a celebration - of life, friendship, hope......all things good!!! We will also have some auction items to try and raise funds for breast cancer research....but you don't have to buy anything!!! All you HAVE to do is plan to come and have fun.....eat, drink, and be merry.......and there are a few other surpirses I won't mention!!!!

God Bless you........

Two for the price of one!

2009-06-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone to the store to buy something and when you get up to the counter you are super excited to find out.....there is more of a discount than you had originally thought? That feeling - like you have won the lottery - is one of the finest feelings a shopper can have.

I am here to tell you that feeling does not only apply to shopping for things....it can apply to your body - your health. I have the perfect example. I had my ovaries removed on June 11th. They also removed the fallopian tubes. I love it because my doctor told me on Monday that reduces my chances of ovarian cancer by 97-99%. I really like those odds! At any rate, while I was in her office she gave me the results from the surgery. I believe her exact words were, "this is the best news I can deliver to you." There were no cancer cells anywhere. She followed up by saying my washings were clear as well. I was like, "What is a washing??" She said that while they were in there....scraping out my ovaries....they also "washed" the linings of my abdomen to see if there were cancer cells present there, as well. I was so excited - take one ovary, get one washing....but they took BOTH ovaries - so I got TWO washings.... and they were both NEGATIVE!!! I felt like I hit the washing lottery.

So.....life is moving on and I am so excited to feel as if I am finally at the end of this season of my life......just one surgery to go!!!

I have more to share, but a son that needs a ride - so I PROMISE I will do a couple more blogs before next week......thank you for caring, for praying, for listening, and for believing with me. I truly love you.

Surgery...the "oops-erectomy"

2009-06-10T08:06:00.001-07:00

OK...It is not really called that - it is an "oopherecotmy." What a mouthful...and Heaven knows I hope it is not an "oops..."!

But it is tomorrow - and while I had absolutely NO reservations about losing my breasts, I can not say the same about my ovaries. It is one thing to say I am blessed with four children and so proud of them - it is another to know that I CAN'T have anymore....I am a type A, like being in control, and this is definately pushing my comfort zone.

David, Austin, and I are going down tonight since check-in is at 5:30am. Austin isn't going for ths surgery - his flight leaves for Atlanta at 10:24am...he is going to see his dad. The two guys are going to check-in to the hotel and leave for dinner - I will be staying at the hotel and spending most of my time in the bathroom. I am on an all-clear liquid diet today and starting at 5pm....I take some serious stuff to clean me out. I really can't wait for that moment - so much I could say about God going to great lengths to "cleanse" me, but I will leave that for anothet day.

I would like to ask for some specific prayer. As of yesterday I have been halted on the clinical trial. I have severe bone pain and arthritis which have taken over my life (I believe as a result of those lovely pills) - so we have to get this figured out next Tuesday when I go to see my oncologist....I can tell you that the last three weeks have not been fun - and I can't "fake" it anymore....the pain has become unbearable....so........thank you !!

Take care - have a blessed day....I am giving thanks to God repeatedly for the many blessings He has bestowed upon me - not the least of which is YOU!!!!

Do you have a Heather in your life?

2009-05-21T11:21:00.000-07:00

Last week on Tuesday my friend Troy called me and asked me what I was doing on Wednesday. Well....I had a ton to do - reports for David, the bank, etc.....but I told him I was available. He wanted me to ride with him to Monmouth (where the heck is THAT?) to talk to an old high school friend of his who had been diagonosed with cancer......

..........I don't think I was speechless.....but my body went limp. My first thought was - ABSOLUTLEY!!!! And then, after he hung up and we had made arrangements, I was terrifed - what in the world could I share with this woman that would help her? (I should have known that I have nothing to share - it is God who would speak to her......) The next morning I tried to put it off until Friday - bad weather coming, not enough time since I had to be back in Pittsfield....Troy said NO PROBLEM....I will have you back in plenty of time....so he came to get me - and we went.

I am so very thankful that Troy called me that day. You see - I got to meet Heather, a beautiful, young, vibrant, mother of four and wife to one ...... and a Christian. While I couldn't repeat to you the meeting ver batim....I can tell you this - God was in control. I don't remember much of what was said - just that the room was full of love. I knew the minute I met her she would be okay - she has put God in control.....a beautiful reminder that He will always be in control if we let Him.....something I still struggle to do on a daily basis.....

If you have a Heather in your life, you are blessed.....thank God for the opportunity and embrace it.....He has something He wants to tell you!!

God Bless you....

Update

2009-05-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

I was so good at blogging in the beginning. I have asked myself several times why I don't blog more often - and the answer I keep giving is....what do I have to say? I think it is a natural human response to think that we are not worthy - or important enough. And while those thoughts of myself may not change, I just want to say THANK YOU for taking the time to talk with me, and journey with me.....I promise to try to keep you up on things!!

I went to the doctor on Tuesday. Nearly 40 trips to Siteman in the last 7 months and this was the first time I travelled alone....and I did NOT like it!!! On the one hand, I didn't have to worry about wasting someone else's time. On the other hand - my body naturally wants to sleep on this trip - so on the way home, my body was trying to sleep....All I can tell you is that didn't really work for me - or the 10,000 other cars on the road....

I had to go to Siteman to do pre-op testing for my Oopherectomy (try saying that 5 times fast), meet with the clinical coordinator for the trial I will be on for the next three years, and meet with my oncological surgeon - the fabulous woman who removed my breasts. It was a fabulous day. I found out that I will NEVER get lymphodema (sp?). For those of you who knew Marty Floyd (well, first of all - you were lucky to have known her)...but you may remember her arm swelling up like a balloon. In her case, they had removed all of the lymph nodes from that arm - and the unfortunate swelling is a possible life-long side effect. In my case, the doctor did a sentinal node operation - she only removed the sentinal node and one other node from each breast.....and she told me that she has NEVER had a patient with my type of surgery get lymphodema.....so I can start lifting. She also released me for all exercises!! I was so happy I cried.......I had two other doctors tell me I wouldn't be able to lift more than 15 pounds for THE REST OF MY LIFE......Thank God they were wrong!!

So now I am waiting for surgery on June 11th. I have an appt on June 16th with my oncologist, July with the clinical coordinator, and Sep 10th I will have my breast reconstruction......I can tell you that things are definately looking up in my camp. There really IS light at the end of this tunnel!!!

God Bless You......

August 22, 2009

2009-05-21T11:09:00.000-07:00

I wanted to talk about this date. It is the day we have chosen to have a party - to celebrate good health, freedom from drugs, and a new life. So, mark your calendars.....I look forward to seeing you on August 22nd. More details to follow!!

Where do we go from here?

2009-04-30T13:46:00.000-07:00

Wow - sorry for the long delay.....I suppose there aren't a lot of you still following this since I haven't written in so long.....I am so sorry - but thank you for everything!!

My last chemo was April 14th - HALLELUJAH!!! I actually feel better every day. I sang a song with Sophie last night (Jesus Loves Me) and for the first time in 7 months my throat didn't hurt - I could actually sing a song! I can not tell you how wonderful that felt. And there are little blessings such as this every day.

I find it interesting that a lot of things have happened to my body in just the last 3-4 weeks. I had a horrific looking rash all over my arms. The remnants of it are still there - I actually think it may have scarred....and boy does it look lovely....and I have canker sores, numbness all over, and a few other issues. But all in all - they are going away and I feel FANTASTIC! I feel so good that I am not even going to complain about the fact I get no sleep. Yes - it is the menopause. I have night sweats that produce enough liquid to drench the Sahara. And when I'm not sweating I'm teetering between hot and cold. The bad news - is for my kids. Their mom is going through menopause and they get yelled at sometimes for no apparent reason. The good news is that their mom will not be going through menopause when they are in high school (the girls). I knew it was bad when Austin stood up the other day and left the room because he said he didn't like my attitude!! The best part is that I absolutely KNEW I was being a little contradictory...I simply could not help myself.

Where do we go? Well, I had a follow-up with my oncologist and he said if I was having a hard time dealing with the chemo being over then they could recommend counseling. I literally laughed out loud. I said, and I quote, "listen, I am totally NOT having a hard time with this. I am glad it is over. I praise God for the good reports. I KNOW why I am doing so well. I just want to know if there is anything specific I should or should not be doing." He smiled....and recommended a new clinical trial.

Now, you might be thinking - is she crazy? Of course I am, but that is beside the point. This clinical trial involves bisphosphonates, which are given to patients with osteoperosis. The drug is also given to patients who have bone cancer and they have seen some great results. I should start by sharing with you my inspiration. As you know, I have triple negative disease and my cancer would not respond to any hormones. Also, because of my triple negative disease, studies show that my best chance for recurrence is in the next two years. And, if cancer does come back it will most likely come back in my liver, pancreas, or bones. I will be on this trial for three years - and I have EVERY intention of NOT getting cancer again!!! And at the end of the day, this should help give me some really strong bones!

Thank you so much for continuing to love me, support my decisions, and pray for me. I can not tell you how much that means. I will be back....I have some photos to share with you of when Austin went to chemo with me.......

God Bless you and your day!

March 29th Snowstorm

2009-04-15T10:59:00.001-07:00

So, Robin showed up for the weekend to surprise us - and she brought snow from freakin Florida!!! Bella was at Sunday School, so Aunt Robin built snowmen with Gracie and Sophie. I wanted to share with you - by suppertime the snow was gone and the girls were in shorts!!

What are friends for?

2009-04-15T09:09:00.001-07:00

Karen recently came for a short visit and while she was here...she cut her hair!! No - she shaved her hair. Austin helped her do it. She thought it would make me feel better. Now - I have had two friends shave their head for me!! thank you Troy and Karen....I don't know what to say!!! Except - isn't it GREAT to be bald!! It really does feel good........and I included a photo of Karen WITH hair so you could see what she used to look like!!!

A few dates to remember

2009-04-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

My first surgery will be June 4th. I am having my Ooopherectomy that day - you gotta love that name!! Dr. Thaker will remove my ovaries and my filopian tubes. I am not having a complete hysterectomy. It is not necessary since I am not having any trouble in that area and there is no connection between the BRCA1 gene and cancer of the uterus. I was very happy to hear this - because it is not normal to remove these organs. The uterus actually helps to hold up the bladder and some other stuff as well (can't remember all she said). I was just happy to hear Iwon't have to have a complete hysterectomy!!

Now, the breast reconstruction....will occur in September. Because of possible bacteria in the blood stream after the ooopherectomy we must wait 3 months. If bacteria were to land on my reconstruction job it would be a very, very bad thing!! So - I chose to have the ovaries removed first because I think it is by far the most important of the two surgeries. I will, however, have to watch it when I give people hugs. I hugged Nelsie good-bye at the airport the other day and literally bruised her chest where she hit my boobs!! I told you they were like brick-bats. I bet if the law were to inspect these suckers they would make me register them as weapons....

And, finally, we are planning a party. I would really like to have people get together to celebrate - life, recovery, survivorship, and hope. And it will be SO NICE to not be tired anymore!! So, mark your calendars for August 22nd.....and I will have more details forthcoming. I love you - and you are invited to share with me!! I figure, you have been on this journey with me - we need to celebrate together!!!

I have a lot to share with you - my last chemo today, my son, my friend Karen shaving her head, Easter.....so, tomorrow I plan to put on some photos and share!!! Thanks for being there...have a super day!!!

Menopause, sickness and The Bench

2009-04-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

I know this might not be the best title for an entry, but I know myself well enough to know that as much as I will try NOT to talk about it, I will keep coming back to it - I have a tendency of doing that. The way I see it, 41 is WAY TOO YOUNG for someone to be going through menopause....and for all of you who think this is normal, it most certainly is NOT....I thought the heat flashes were from the chemo...no...no no no no no.....the heat flashes are what my ovarian oncologist referred to as "pre-menopausal" and while it is not unheard of, it is uncommon...most women do no start going through the pre-stages until they are 50. Chemo has a way of jump-starting the process sometimes....

It wouldn't have mattered anyway..... I will be "postal" with menopause after June 4th because Dr. Thaker will be removing my ovaries and she will be all over!!! I will say this - I am so thankful for that. I must admit that I think it is better to go through it all at once as opposed to at separate times...chemo, menopause, a boob job.....yeah - I am thankful....I can't differentiate one from the other....so this is a great thing (although not recommended if you have a choice).

And I want to take a few minutes to apologize for not blogging for awhile - but I have been sick for a little more than two weeks...and I am a bit miffed at my regular oncologist (I see him every three weeks.) I told him more than two weeks ago that I had an infection in my body and would be getting sick.....I could feel it. He examined me and told me that he thought it was virul - the nurse told me to wash my hands - and he said this was all normal...blah blah blah blah blah. I say this - no one knows my body better than I do. And for the past two weeks I could literally barely get out of bed because of this "virus." I was sleeping all morning and having to be home in the afternoon. My doctor told me at the time I could no longer work out. I could walk two miles at a time at 3.0 to 3.5 mph.....because the chemo is a shock to my system and now I think that instead of fighting the infection, my body was using its energy for my workouts (or maybe I was doing that). Anyway - by this past Friday I felt so sick I did not want to get out of bed. By Saturday afternoon it was all over. I called the oncologist oncall on Sunday and by 10:30am had a z-pack started in my system. THANK GOD....because the infection had gone to my chest - I knew it eventually would.... at any rate... a long story to tell you I am sorry!! And to remind everyone to take control of your own medical care. I know doctors are smart - but they do NOT know you better than you know yourself - I don't care WHAT the stethoscope is telling them!!!

And so much happened over the past two weeks. As you know, my sister flew in to surprise everyone, Karen came out to take some photos and see the kids - and others, as well. She got to visit with David Harbin and Missy McDannald.....high school classmates....and Art and Betty Nergenah, and Roy Allen. I am not sure how she had time to see us!!!! But we had a great time while she was here...we even road tripped to the band competition in Carlinville with Heather Hayden - now THAT was a cool girls' road trip!!! To top it off, Bella ended her basketball season (5 weeks) on Saturday. Evidently she threw some boy across the floor as he was trying to steal the ball from her...he obviously had not been exposed to her competitive side. yeah - don't try to take the ball from Bella. She won't let you have it!! (Of course, I was at home in bed moaning....not sure why since no one was there to listen....kind of like the tree in the forest.)

And then today was chemo. Diana sent my bag stuff for today!!! A Peanut Butter bunny, licorice, a book....and a blizzard card!!! Yeah - its all gone. You know me - I dig into that stuff!!! And I really want to tell you about the bench.

I know I have talked about the bench before. It is where David and I sit every week - it is where I was sitting when I heard the man call his family a couple of weeks ago. It is where I sat today...and nearly fell asleep I was so tired. Funny - David and I went down yesterday to see the ovarian oncologist and decided to just stay since we had to be back at 8:30 this morning. That was a good call on our part......anyway. I was on the bench by myself because I told David to just take his time......

And I had the best thoughts while I was sitting there. You see. Beth - my friend from high school who is a rock in my life - used to sit there with her dad. And I was sitting there today when I realized it is where I was sitting when I was waiting for Beth and her dad to walk in for chemo...the morning he passed away. It is where I was sitting when Kim sent the text about Jim. And I had this thought. Yes - Jim has gone to be with God, but Jim didn't die - his body did. He never gave up - and his spirit is alive and well and kicking at Siteman....and with every other person who had the chance to fight with him......and know him. I sat there and I could HEAR their conversations. I think it went something like this:

Beth: Now, dad. I am going to go get you a blizzard. And you are going to eat it. I know you you aren't hungry today. But you know the alternative isn't good...and I am not talking about losing weight - I am talking about me kicking your butt and everyone here seeing it.

Jim: (completely speechless he simply looks at her and smiles" Yes - whatever you say, Beth (as he chuckles)

Yeah - I have no idea what was said on that bench, but I heard a lot today and it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me SO THANKFUL that God has the power to share - and He knows just what we need to hear and when we need to hear it. And I needed to hear her dad today. Someone who didn't know what giving up meant. He never did - I want that fight in me for everything.......and sitting on that bench has changed my life over the past 20 weeks......thank you, God....for giving me that bench. Please share it with others as You have with me.

God bless you.....now go sit on your bench and simply listen. You will be amazed at what He has to share with you.

Nice Surprises

2009-04-02T15:11:00.000-07:00

So last Friday I was driving to Pittsfield to get a massage and decided to call my sister - she had called while I was in the shower so I assumed she was on her way to work. She answered the phone and asked what I was doing. I told her...I was driving to Pittsfield....so I asked what she was doing...and she said she was on her way to my house!!!

Yes - that was a nice surprise!!! Robin has a way of making a big splash.....and it was a little extra sweet because she got to be here for Austin's 15th birthday party, Toni Surratt's 50th birthday celebration, and she also got to share in an experience with her friend Brenda. Brenda has a little girl...well, she isn't so little. She is 15 and a sophomore in high school...and very, very cute!! Jill (brenda's daughter) had to make a trip to Children's hospital to have some tests done. Robin went with them.....Jill has a heart condition that is quite serious. All I can say is this - I have seen the power of your prayers. I have felt the power of God rain down on me...and others....so now - I am asking that you add Jill to your list. If anyone can make this heart condition disappear....it is you, coming together to pray!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!

So, Robin showed up, we got enough rain to flood the Tennessee Vally, and 4 inches of snow Saturday Night. I am telling you - when she comes around, things happen!!! But I wouldn't have changed this nice surprise for anything. And when she gets around to it, she will email the photo of her and the girls and Austin standing by the snowmen in our yard, that were gone by dinner time!!! I will be sure to post it!!

God Bless you....and have a great day!!! P.S. Got some great news at the doctor. Will post more later.

Dad's Tired

2009-03-26T12:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, I am going to try and blog this one - no jokes - no attempts to be funny. Just want to share with you what I witnessed on Tuesday.

Tuesday was a late day. I spent the morning at the doctors office with Austin - he has all kinds of infections....and while I was a bit upset that chemo was not scheduled until 2pm, having my baby boy be sick and takinig him to the doctor - made the late appointment a blessing. So....God makes all things clear in time - and He is in the details....as He was for me over and over again on Tuesday.

David and I arrived and they got me right in to do the blood draw....it was about 1:00pm....so, we were thinking I could have the blood drawn (which usually takes about 2 mintues...to access the port and everything). Let's just say - 45 minutes later I joined David in the waiting room. The blood would not cooperate and in the end they had to give me Activase again...and they simply drew the blood from my arm so we wouldn't have to wait 30 mintues on the Activase....while I was also not thrilled with the arm-thing....I want to tell you - Dan the Man came in to draw my blood and for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE....I did not feel anything. I didn't feel the needle go in or come out....I guess the fact that he does it about 50 times every day had something to do with it - but he was amazing.

So....getting back on track. I told David to just go ahead and go to lunch and leave me there. I didn't leave because I knew they would call me in the next 20 minutes or so - and I for certain wanted to be getting in there so we could get out......

Now, let me paint a picture for you. About the first time we went to chemo David found a wooden bench located down the hallway next to the bathrooms. It is in front of the windows so there is a nice view of the street below....and it is completely quiet - not to mention, it is a bit more germ-less than the cloth seats. David and I sit here every time....it is just a nice space...away from it all.

Tuesday was no exception. I was sitting on the bench, doing a crossword, and waiting for my beeper to go off (they give you beepers just like you get at the restaurants when you are waiting for a table) when I heard a man approaching. I am not sure why - but I started listening to his conversation. He had obviously walked down this hallway so he could have some privacy. He was alone, on his cell phone, and his conversation went something like this:

"Hey, bud. This is dad and we just got out of the doctors office. It wasn't good news, but of course, you know we didn't think it was going to be good news. The chemo I have been taking is not working. The doctor said there is one more drug they can try and if it doesn't work I have 6-8 weeks. How do I feel? Well, bud, dad is tired. I told you last week I could feel the cancer taking over my body. I can't eat and this week I lost 6 more pounds. It just isn't good. When? Well, mom and I are going to stay today and they are going to do the treatment. But I want to tell you, son, that if I don't feel good after this I am not going to do it anymore. No, no I won't get to enjoy my golden years with you and the kids - but I love you - and I want my last days, whatever they may be, to be good ones. And, son, dad is tired. I am just very tired. Now, you know this is a phone call your mom just couldn't make. She is down in the cafeteria getting something to eat and she has been crying non-stop. She just can't talk to you right now. SO, I am going to hang up and call your sisters. We'll be home soon. I love you, too."

I was......relieved. I am so ashamed. I listened to this man and all I could think of was how thankful I was that I never had to make that phone call. And then I felt sick. I wanted to run up to him and scream - YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE IT....and realized I couldn't make that call. So, I just watched him - and before he could call his daughters he went into the waiting room and sat down. He looked as if he could cry - but he didn't. He was being the rock...waiting patiently for his wife to return. I couldn't even talk to David about this man - I tried, but I wanted to cry, so I stopped. But I have not stopped thinking about him - and I will be looking for him the next three weeks.....hoping and praying that he felt good after that chemo and that his body will give it a chance.

But he is a dad - and he is tired - and he doesn't want to be a burden to anyone. What a strong, wonderful man. I love him and I know Jesus loves him and I will never forget the courage and strength that poured out of him during that phone call.....and I will pray, and I ask you to join me, that God will shower this man and his family with His grace and mercy....and a miracle. I believe it. And I don't even need to see it to know it will happen. You see - God was in all the details fo rme this day...blood not cooperating, the bench in the private area, me not going to lunch....God will be in the details for him, too.

Willy Wonka and some teenage wisdom

2009-03-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

Okay....I can hear it at least a hundred times, but I am a woman - therefore, I am vain. No matter what you say to me I am going to criticize myself. I had someone tell me the other day that was TOTALLY normal - it is a "female" thing. I agree with her...and I am so tired of it...but I am fairly certain it won't change!!

So, Saturday I awakened in my usual fog, unable to see clearly (literally - due to the benadryl, I believe), a wee bit tired, dry-mouthed, and ready to start the new day!! I stammered to the bathroom to freshen up and was stopped dead in my tracks upon entering the "mirror-zone." Looking back at me, much to my dismay, was the Blueberry girl. You all know her - even if you have never seen Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, you have HEARD of the characters in the show....Well...on Saturday, I became the blueberry girl. I am going to blame the steroids. Heaven knows I do not want to blame the peanut m&m's....

Seriously - for a moment....I felt as though the gods of chemo were giving me a taste of what I have been seeing for nearly 5 months. I have SEEN people at chemo who looked....well....bare. There was nothing there - I have seen patients who I could not tell if it was a man or a woman....because of the swelling. Their expressions were filtered by the drugs they had been taking - and I didn't get it.....until Saturday morning. I have been popping out for some time. Believe me - I have 4 children who keep things "real" for me on a daily basis....Gracie and Sophie press on my stomach every single day and tell me....how big it is. I used to try and hide it - and now I have begun to embrace it. It is a part of this journey.....and, hey, who am I to take a laugh away from my kids? But what I really want to share with you is the wisdom of my teenager. It isn't that I don't listen to everyone. I do - and I appreciate and accept the love and support that is forthcoming. But I would be lying if I didn't say - there is something about the words of my babes that moves me. (Like when Gracie tells Sophie, "Geez, Sophie, do I have to slap you? You need to be quiet or I'm going to mash your mouth." Yeah - she says it...and she means it.....)

Austin and I were having a chat very recently (like...this past week)....it wasn't an out-of-the-ordinary chat...we chat all the time. Let's just say I am a mom who likes to know things -and he is a child who likes to keep me informed. Actually, he probably keeps me informed so I won't pester him so much....(holy cow - I really hope he doesn't feel that way)....Okay - back to the story. Teenage wisdom??? I, the mother, was a bit overwhelmed about looking like the Pillsbury Dough-Girl. Austin told me that he doesn't care what I look like - he just cares that I'm here. For that, my friends, I proudly....... go blue.

Thank you, God, for keeping this real for me - and reminding me that what is truly important is not that which we can see, but that which we know to be true and feel in our hearts.

Why waste time complaining?

2009-03-18T06:32:00.001-07:00

I knew this would happen. As soon as the horns went back in my head and I settled down - I would feel bad for ever being upset....aboout the support gal at Siteman. As a matter of fact, the very next day on WIBI someone said.....we are all created in the image of God and worthy of respect. Alright...alright...alright....maybe that is true (and I believe it is)....but we are created in His image and IMperfect...the reason Jesus came back for us...the reason I got a little upset...and maybe over reacted....the jury is still out on that - and since I am the jury - I guess I will reserve judgement on it.

So, why complain? I have people ask me often how I am doing...and many times I comment that I am just fine - no complaints here. And then I follow it up with, "well, I have complained, but no one is listening so I decided to stop complaining." Well - the truth of the matter is...if I am complaining, then I am obviously NOT focusing on the blessings I have asked to recieve. I read a daily devotional (have several and love them all)....and one day a couple of weeks ago the devotional said that "complaining is death and thanksgiving is life." It makes so much sense - why pray for something if you are only going to complain about it? Instead of complaining about the service from the support staff, I think I should have been giving Thanksgiving for those who help me - and hundreds of others - every day. Believe me, the good far outweigh the bad in that joint....and I need to keep THAT in mind.

So, the next time you wake up - remember to give God thanksgiving for the many blessings you receive and prepare yourself to be blessed!!!

St Pat's Day chemo, 2009

2009-03-17T15:17:00.001-07:00

Yes - I really did.

Faith

2009-03-11T14:23:00.000-07:00

I woke up Tuesday morning...and I believed. It is what God has called me to do. Please understand - believeing is something I have down my whole life - I was "born into it"...THANK GOD....but believing took on a whole new meaning for me September 26, 2008. On Tuesday I woke up believing.

I suppose by now you are asking yourself..."What in the heck does she mean?" Well, let me explain. I believed God would provide all of the resources necessary for me to make it through the day. I hoped he would continue to bestow countless blessings on those around me. Where does this belief and hope come from??? Faith.

So, back to Tuesday. I grabbed my trusty chemo bag (the ONLY bag I carry to chemo now!!!), jumped in David's vehicle with my pillow and bag in hand, and headed to Siteman. David - he really has the easy part. He can put the car on auto-pilot now and we can take a nap together. It is sweet - truly sweet. Sorry - chemo brain in action...I tend to digress more and more. I suppose if this were being given a grade....I would most likely fail for "failure to stay focused."

"How was Tuesday?" you are asking yourself......let me start at the end. Since I have faith which allows me to believe and hope when others may not, I can tell you there was a silver lining at the end - but the road to get there was carved with a bunch of crap...sorry if you are offended by crap - but I could have said something much worse - I toned it down!!

The last three trips to Siteman we have had problems getting my blood to flow from the port. I had to take deep breaths, lean back, raise my arm, turn to my side, breathe again, and then have the silly thing stuck further (holy cow that really, really, really did not feel good)......unfortunately that stuff didn't work this time. After about 20 needles of saline, they decided to give me Activase.....it would just take about 20-30 minutes and then the blood would flow. Okay - it did....so off to a rocky start, but no big deal - I really don't get worked up over that stuff...ESPECIALLY since the nurses are SO FANTASTIC!!!!! I say that with the kindest of hearts. They truly are! Today - Sandy was no exception. AND...she looked just like a friend of mine from high school - Becky Dunnagan...or Daniel now....weird - I kept wanting to call her Becky. (sorry - once again I digress.) The activase....my only issue was I KNEW I would be going pee ALL DAY LONG....and I was right. God provided.....I Believed he would.

Then I went to see my oncologist, Dr. Michel. OH MY GOSH!!! This guy had the best sense of humor today. (I didn't know he had one - so to see it was truly a gift.) I was a little taken aback. He was joking about my ice cream and how he could counsel me to LOSE weight - eating nothing but ice cream. Because, as he put it, "At the end of the day it is calories in and calories out. Portion control - yes, that is what it is. " I told him that theory would hold water - if I didn't eat half a gallon....and I actually had a DESIRE to portion control. Therein lies the problem, Dr. Michel.....I DON'T want to be controlled!!! But - he had a sense of humor. I had hoped that would happen - that was truly a blessing from God!!!!

Renee was not my nurse today. Now, I could start boo-hooing here and complaining, but I won't . Why - because God uses her. And someone else needed her more on chemo day than I did. How could I be even remotely upset about that - I KNOW how special she is.....

I was humbled to be in a room with at least two other patients who are fighting for their lives. Hospitalizations, inability to take the sickness the chemo brings, and the nagging thoughts of wondering when their bodies will give out....or give in. But WOW did they have spirit. One fella drives from Jefferson City....and he is there all day. We had some nice conversations about somoking in restaurants...you know - it all comes down to eating. They may be fighting the battle of their lives...for their life....but eating is STILL a priority. That is why I know they will win!!

And I almost forgot to share with you.....my chemo started 3 hours late. I think the hospital was sick yesterday. I typically get very worked up about doctors offices being THAT FAR behind....I would most likely just leave. But, I have to admit - I just don't get worked up at the chemo center....and, to top it off, Laura came in to tell me they were schedulinig my next three appointments and she was wondering if I had a time preference. Now THAT knocked me off my socks - 11 treatments and I have never been asked for a time preference. So, I told her - first thing in the morning!!! When I awakened 4 hours later I asked David if they had brought the schedule...he said no. Well, the assistant overheard me and told me it was on the desk next to my chair. I picked it up and you will never guess what I read. My next two appointments start at 2:00 PM. I can not even begin to describe to you the heat flowing through my body - but I think the horns popping out of my head were a nice pre-cursor to what flowed from my mouth.

I eloquently asked...."Is this a joke?" To which she replied with a blank stare...so I continued...,"For the first time in 12 weeks, I was asked for a time preference and was given the WORST times EVER....I have never had an appt past 12:15, and the last 4 have been at 8, 8:30, or 9:15....all of that without even asking." She replied that Sandra and Joyce do the scheduling and I could talk to them. I asked her if one of them could come in and talk to me - "oh NOOOOO they wouldn't do that." Okay. I looked around and of the 200 patients that were given chemo that day I was the ONLY ONE LEFT....so, I asked myself, "she can't get off her butt WHY???" But I didn't say it. Well, maybe my eyes said it for me.

They finished my treatment and I was free to go....so I went to Sandra who had my chart from the assistant. Actually, that isn't true - my chart was laying to the side. She had obviously been working hard on it. She saw me approach. I looked at her, smiled and said, "Hi, my name is Becky McCartney....." and before I could get another word out of my mouth she grabbed my chart, looked at me and said, "I cain't move your appointment. I don't have any other times available. If I put you at 8am I only have one hour." I wish I could tell you that at this point I was kind. Not really. I grabbed my schedule and turned and left. Oh that is not true, I rolled my eyes, slammed my hand on the desk to grab the chart, and THEN I left....I really, really, really wanted to lay into her - especially since it had been a very long day....but what would that have accomplished? Not to mention - shouldn't I lead by example? I wanted to lead her alright - but it had nothing to do with "example." So I walked away.

But have no fear - this is a Saukee mom on chemo and this little episode was NOT over. I marched my happy rear-end to the front desk and requested Caroline's number. Caroline is the coordinator for the clinical trial I am on. I got the number and called......I could have had her paged but thought better of it - I didn't think my current crisis constituted the type of "emergency" she was referring to when she mentioned in her voicemail that she could be paged. I very calmly repeated the events of the day and told her, quite frankly, that my son had a banquet AND a concert on the 17th and if they didn't change the time, I wouldn't be there. Well, I haven't heard from her yet.....maybe I should give her a ring. I don't think missing is an option.

I told you in the beginning there is always a silver lining - that is the great thing about faith. I believe and I have hope....and I still do. I am a bit disappointed that I was unable to keep a smile on my face the whole time.....but I AM PROUD that I didn't physically remove that woman from behind her desk and mash her mouth.....that would have been totally uncool (but would have felt REAAALLLL NIIICCEEEE.)

When I take me or "I" out of the equation and focus on the person or persons I am dealing with.....I realize that maybe we are not on the same playing field. God sends gentle reminders....as he did today...that He is in control and the road won't always be a smooth one....but He will always be the driver....if I just let Him......THANK GOD!!

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey - I truly love you.

The Most Beautiful Women in the World

2009-03-09T12:40:00.000-07:00

You probably read the title for todays blog and are currently wondering where in the world I have been.......or who I have seen. Well...let me tell you. Last Friday I had lunch at the Red Dome with a group of ladies - all cancer survivors - who meet once/month.....to just talk....about anything. And, I can say, without exception, they are the most beautiful women in the world.

When I first walked in, I saw them sitting at the table, and I got choked up....but I didn't cry!!! I wanted to - I looked around the table and there were 7 survivors there....and several others who come on a regular basis but were not there on this particular day. While it is a group every woman wishes she didn't have to join.....it is also a group that every woman knows she is lucky to be a part of. These women are so full of love, strength, hope, and encouragement.....I could go on and on....I just wanted to share with you how humbling it was for me to be able to dine with this group - and become a part of their camaraderie.

It is a lunch I will not soon forget - and a lunch I will look forward to each and every month.

A Season for guilty pleasures (Renee)

2009-03-03T22:42:00.000-08:00

When David and I first started dating we had "the talk." You know the one I am talking about - the one that every new couple has at some stage of the game...usually at all stages, but for certain, in the early stages. It is the talk you must have in order to ensure you are compatible....the "Sex, Politics, Religion" talk....the one nobody wins, and everybody dreads.....

When David and I had our talk I took it a step further. You see, at that point, I knew a few things he didn't know - because I had already been married once (not that I thought I would marry the guy on our third date.....although he has said since that he already knew....hehehehe). I digress.....when we had the talk I told David something I thought FOR SURE would send him running.....or laughing. I told him that when I got pregnant, I got FAT......and I was sure that would be the same for each of my children...however many I should choose to have. It didn't even phase him. Which was no surprise. Guys can't think "out of the box." (sorry for the generalization...probably not fair in all cases) All he could see was the way I looked then and being fat didn't fit into the equation........a marriage and three daughters later.....I was able to say, "I told you so." Luckily, however, the fatness was just a season in my life - 80 pounds and a new baby each time...and each time I was EVENTUALLY able to get back to the way I was (why does it have to be so hard???)

So why do I share this with you? Well, today was chemo day and THANK GOD Renee was my nurse. I think all of the nurses know she is my pick - and maybe they have conspired to be sure I get her!!! Last week.....last week Renee was there but she was in POD3...I was in POD 4. And I was just a little ticked. You would have been, as well. The nurse I had was very nice (but as I have said in the past....I fired nice people.)...Anyway, while she was very nice, it was Fat Tuesday and she was more concerned about getting the food put out in the break lounge than making sure her patients had their meds. (I am having deja vu...did I already tell you this?) Which is why my meds were an hour late - she kept apologizing as I laid there....I just held my tongue....and watched as Renee, like usual, was running around, staying with her people, and making sure everyone was taken care of INCLUDING ME!!!!! And I wasn't even in her POD!!! (Jill has since shared with me that Renee would come over to POD 4 and tell Jill to take a photo of me with my mouth wide open....good blackmail shot!! I will SOOOOO get her for that!!!)

Anyway....today.....as we were talking, Renee asked how I was doing. And then, she took it a step further....(I TOLD you she was more than a nurse!!! They should put "counselor" on her tag, as well!!!) She asked how I was MENTALLY.....I told her not so good. I have gained nearly 19 pounds....BUT....I started working out yesterday and I was ready to make sure this chemo thing didn't take me over. Renee (now keep in mind - while she is talking to me she continues to monitor and work with her other patients - she can do this and still make you feel as if you are the only person in the world....I really love that about her - it is a gift she has). Renee commented that I should look at what the steroids are doing to me, and not worry about that - it is a part of the game. And, as she moved to another patient at the end of the room she asked me to look at the patients (liquid cancers and bone marrow cancers) in the waiting room who don't have 19 pounds to lose.....and think about how lucky I am. WOW - thanks, Renee....I told her I KNEW there was a reason I needed to see her today!!! If that didn't put it in perspective - what would??????

Here I have been obsessing about my weight gain and I should have been thanking God for it. In that moment, I can tell you that I was SO THANKFUL to have a tumor cancer and not a liquid cancer, or something worse. I looked at those people later in the day when we left (although I was extremely tired and not very alert.....)and I said a silent prayer for them...I say one now.....praying that tomorrow they will wake up and have a desire to eat - to eat ANYTHING...which seems to be the problem. They come in, skin and bones, and the nurses have to put poison in their bodies......praying it doesn't kill them because they have no fat.

Back to Renee....she did mention to me that there is something to be said about being "fat and sassy" when you are on chemo....they really DO like to see you come in and gaining.......because, as she said so eloquently.... this is just a season in your life. It will end and I will get over it. She asked me how much weight I gained when I was pregnant. I told her.......80 pounds, or more (yikes)......and, of course, I am nowhere near that now.......yes. This is just a season. And it WILL pass - a year from now I will be fit and trim again and looking back at this experience as a beautiful journey. Valentine's weekend while dining with Kim, Diana, and Beth, Beth mentioned to me that ice cream is a "guilty pleasure" that I deserve. THANKS, Beth!!!! I think I will take you up on that - like every day!!!!!!

Leave it to God to orchestrate a season of guilty pleasures for you. Listen to Him, take advantage of them, and live.

I love you...........

Germany

2009-02-26T12:49:00.000-08:00

This is my friend, Jens, from Germany. He flew in Saturday and spent three days with us before roaming back off to Chicago to do some PR work for his company.

God exposed

2009-02-25T04:28:00.000-08:00

Throughout the course of the last 5 months I have been blessed beyond measure on this journey. I have cried very few tears of sorrow, as I have shared with you....but I have cried many tears of Joy......and humility. It is quite humbling to experience firsthand the awesome power of God's love. I know we all receive it daily....there are times I am simply overwhelmed by His grace......and I cry.

I can give you many examples of what God has done for me - I have hesitated to ever use names....because there are SO MANY.....so many people who have touched my life through this process. But today - today I think I have to be a little specific, because I have to confess - and expose God. As a manager, my philosophy was ALWAYS to give credit where it was due. How else could I gain the respect of my employees? If you don't give proper credit - you will lose the good ones.....and be exposed. If you DO give credit....you will be exposed, as well....but in a much better way!!!

One of the first times I cried tears of thankfulness was October 27th. It was two days before my surgery and my phone rang. It was Wendy. She told me she was going to bring dinner over for my family the next night - so that my last night at home I would not have to cook...I could simply be with my family and enjoy the evening. David and I were at Terry's house - I remember it quite vividly. I was driving and he was standing outside of the vehicle talking to them. David got back in, I looked at him - and I had tears in my eyes....I couldn't stop crying. He asked me what was wrong....and I said nothing....absolutely nothing. God is taking care of every detail.

And so it has been. I can tell you stories about Jill, Patti, Shelley, Anissa, Butch and Ellen (parents of a friend from high school who regularly send me cards from their winter home in Texas......how humbling to know God reaches to all parts of the country - and the world - to have people pray for me....and bring me blessings), Joe (makes the best sloppy Joes in the world), Cindy, Kim, Beth, Diana, Troy, Nelsie, my sister, Angi, Aunt Patty, Renee, Jeanette, KB and KB, everyone from Tennessee, many people I don't know.....I could go on and on and on......you see - the list is endless because it is managed by God. Man is He awesome......and this week, He brought me to my knees.....He reminded me that He is in control - and I need to remember that. God is in the details....

Of course it is no secret I have obsessed about my weight gain (17 pounds as of Tuesday!!!). While my friend Jens was here this past weekend he said it best......"Becky, I do believe you have greater things to worry about at this point. Besides, your face doesn't look that bad." I think that was a compliment - my little German friend pulled a funny..........

I digress. What did God do that I am specifically referring to? Well, this past week I received three cards in the mail with Ohio return addresses.....from names I did not recognize. The first one was from Kate.....a very nice letter. She indicated that she was a friend of Beth Beard and had been reading my blog......and she gave some very encouraging words...... I was blessed.... Then another card came from a friend of Beth.....on Monday.... I stopped dead in my tracks.

First of all, let me talk about Beth.....she lost her dad recently to cancer. He survived for more than eighteen months with one of the most aggressive cancers there is - he outlasted most with his will and determination.....and while she is deep in the mourning process, she can't help herself but to think of others....God is using her to bless me through her pain. She is one of my best cheerleaders (there are many cheerleaders for whom I give thanks daily!!!) and I am thankful for her......and for all of them.......for all of you.....

Back to the card from Ohio......Lesa wrote in the card....that I had "No idea how much I had touched others." Lesa brought me to my knees, and I cried (I told you I cry a lot now,....tears of joy and humility).....and now I must confess to all of you....IT ISN'T ME...... I went back and re-read some of the blogs I did in the early stages.....and I don't even remember writing them!!! That is when I knew - it is because it wasn't me. I can't take any credit for helping anyone - I have to give it where it is due....and that is to my savior. God is not only my creator, but also my very best friend. He has held my hand, and blessed me daily with the love and support of hundreds - and thousands - of people. He has orchestrated all of this in His divine plan. God brought me to my knees with Lesa's words. I have not touched anyone - God has touched you through me. And, that, for me, is the most humbling of all....God is using EVEN ME!!!!!! Please know I am a willing servant and will continue to be for the rest of my life. I am so thankful that God is moving others - and while it would be a WOW to take that kind of credit....I simply can't. I will say "God Bless You." I will continue to pray for you and ask that God sends you showers of joy each and every day.

Thank you - all of you - for blessing my life. I would not change this journey for anything.

A little bit of speed.....and Two for Two!!!

2009-02-25T03:52:00.000-08:00

Back in October I had the opportunity to blog about the day I was driving home....and was stopped by the law in Missouri. I recall the moment the officer stepped up to the vehicle....and asked where I had been. I simply told him the truth - the Siteman Cancer Center. Looking back - it was definately the word "cancer" that got his attention. Thank God it was NOT the shopping bags in the back of the vehicle......or the look on Jill's face!!!

Since that visit to the hospital there has been one common denominator - I am unable to drive after any of my treatments. The first eight weeks I couldn't because of the narcotics they gave me. Now I can't because of the pre-meds and sleeping medication....I think they give me enough to "kill a rat in lab tests." I will say, however, that when someone other than David takes me, I drive TO the treatment - so the other driver only has to transport me home!!

On Tuesday, as you know, Jill and I had a swell time. I was basically high all day on caffeine. And While the nurse never gave specific directions about what would happen after the caffeine wore off....I am sure she would have told me to expect to sleep for awhile....I am STILL feeling the effects of that coffee.....but it did not inhibit my ability to spot a bargain. My new favorite store is ANY store with an 80% off rack!!!!

I digress.....the day was wearing to an end and Jill and I were finally on the way home. I should also note that David and I USED to take route 79 to the hospital - and anyplace else we may be travelling to in St Louis. After my first trip with Jill....we changed our routine. We now take 40/61. It may be a bit further - but it is shorter....and the ride is so much nicer (and, I should mention that route 79 is the road I was on in October when the law pulled me over!!!).....so we were on our way home....on route 40/61....talking about something I can not quite remember when Jill says......

Oh, $#!&!!!!!. I looked at her and asked what was wrong. It was dark out as it was past 7pm...I think it was around 7:45. (you ask how I know this.....well....at 7:23 we passed a shopping development that we decided we would come back to - I told her we should time how far it was from her house so we would know exactly how long it would take to get there.......and it was AFTER this time she said that dirty word )Anyway, she indicated that she just saw 4 cop cars and they were pulling on to the road. I told her not to worry - to just stay behind the truck we were following and go 65...she should be just fine. (Besides....we weren't on the infamous route 79!!!) I then proceeded to tell her that if she DID get pulled over she could just tell them we came from the Siteman Cancer Center (truth...it may have been 8 hours earlier we came from there....but it was the truth)......I would keep my hat off and if she needed me to....I would even moan a little. Bald rules.

In the next instant the little cherry lights came on.....and it was evident they were following us and we needed to pull over. Jill remained very calm - I must say she was a sight better than I was in October. As I recall...I used a few swear words and was not at all happy the cop was approaching my car. Jill wasn't either, but MAN she was cool.....and the conversation went something like this:

Jill: Becky - I am going to need my license and my insurance card. And...do you think this guy will see all the shopping bags???

Becky: No - you will need my insurance card since this is my car....I will get it - no problem, don't worry.......and I thnk it is too dark for him to see the bags in the back....(here comes the officer....and not one swear word from Jill - I can SO take a lesson from her)

Officer: Mam, I am going to need to see your license, insurance card and registration. You were going a little fast back there. You were driving 70 in a 60 MPH zone.

Jill: You are kidding - I thought the speed limit was 65

Officer: No, mam, the 65 MPH zone starts right arouond the curve

(Okay - at this point, Jill and I both look up and directly in front of us on the side of the road is the sign which indicates that the speed limit is 65 MPH....I could not believe it - seriously - route 40/61 had the SAME SPEED TRAPS as route 79...I was so not loving the Missouri transportation system at this point.....and I can GUARANTEE you that my response would NOT have been the same as Jill's)

Jill: Oh my gosh.....officer, we just came from Siteman and this isn't my vehicle so my friend is getting her insurance card.

Officer: You just came from where? (Oh, man,,, I knew it - she was SO COOL....she walked him right into that trap...I loved it - I knew that sweet revenge was on the way)

Jill: The Siteman Cancer Center. My friend here had a chemo treatment today and she is not feeling very well. (Jill says this with a little laugh, a flip of the head, and a pat on my leg)

Becky: Officer, here is my insurance card. Do you need to see my license, as well?

Officer: (At this point he bends down....just a little.....and looks into the vehicle. Of course, he spots the bald head......) No, thank you, mam...I don't need to see your insurance card, either. Ladies,there aren't going to be any tickets issued today, but please slow down and be careful.

Jill: Officer, I am from Illinois.....I had no idea it was 60 MPH here!!!! (she laughs a bit louder and flashes those pearly whites) Thank you so much, officer. Have a great day. Thank you!!!!

I think Jill said more - and the officer said more - in the exchange....but I don't remember it all. All I can remember is how really COOL she was!!!! She was sooooooo different than me - and, quite obviously - the stronger of the two of us. She rocked!!!!!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. First of all - it took the officer a very long time to get to the vehicle when he first pulled us over. I told Jill - he was WRITING THE TICKET, Jill!!!!! And doing a search on the vehicle. Then, he walked up to the vehicle and she rolled down the window. I want to say right now......her getting out of that ticket had NOTHING to do with the word cancer and my bald head (not to mention I did not have to moan even ONE time!!!!) No - he was a young, attractive policeman.....he walked up to the window and saw Jill and I think he wanted to faint - she is GORGEOUS...so, of course, he smiled the whole time he was talking...and probably was going to ask her out until she started the whole cancer routine (thank God...because she would have had to turn him down....and then he WOULD have written a ticket!!!)

We are, as Jill so eloquently stated, "Two for Two." The moral to this story......when I can no longer use the "cancer" routine....I will need to make sure I am riding with Jill!!!

I met Jessica and I saw Jesus

2009-02-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

Tuesday was chemo day. It just so happens that this week was another lottery for David - he didn't have to go!!! My friend Jill called last week to let me know she would like to take me again. Poor girl - the last time she took me we had to leave a little after 6am and I will never forget the sound she made when I told her......well. This week I had the earliest blood draw yet - 8am. And we have to leave 2.5 hours before blood-time....which meant 5:30. I really felt sorry for her...but so thankful at the same time!!!

On this particular day, I had to awake to say goodbye to my friend, Jens, who has been here since Saturday visiting. Jens is from Germany and I met him at the U of I in 1990....and we have been very dear friends ever since. As a matter of fact, I had the opportunity to fly to Germany in May, 2007, to be the Godmother of his third child - Lynn.....and what an honor!!! It was nice to have him here. As David and I showed him Pike County and talked about old times, he reminded us of how fortunate we are - he kept telling us how beautiful and peaceful it is here. All I could talk about was the mold in the air from the rivers.....he opened my eyes!!

So, Jill and I were off to St Louis. We seem to have the routine down to a science - because I walked into Siteman at 8:00am.......albeit at the expense of about 250 drivers on I 170. Thanks to the construction on 40/61, a lot of traffic had been diverted to 170. The drivers get off on 170 from 40 and drive North to Forest Park exit - MY exit...........needless to say, I do NOT stay in line.....I always drive to the front and cut in. I make sure to keep my wig off so an angry motorist might feel a little pity on the bald lady in the car. I still can not figure out why people wait in that line,,,I guess because they aren't bald.

It was an uneventful morning.....except I was a little peaved that they put me in POD 4 instead of POD 3. Why, you may ask? Because my chemo nurse is Renee....and she is typically in POD 3 -as she was today. And, well, I was a little peaved....I just was - chemo is no different than life. After awhile there are certain constants that you grow to rely on - for me, one of those very important constants is my chemo nurse....Renee. You see - Renee remembers me. She even remembers the fact that I can tast tomato soup and ice cream....butter pecan in particular. THAT is who she is....I am not just a chemo patient to her - I am a friend.....and I have grown to rely on that. Can you imagine my candor when I found out I would not be treated by her today? Don't worry - I didn't cut off any heads, or anything.....I just slept. And then.......I drank some coffee!!

You see - Jill and I had a master plan. We figured I would be out of the hospital by 11:30 or so - so we would have at least half of the day left to do a little retail therapy (look for the big bargains.) So I asked the nurse to please have a cup of coffee for me when I woke up so I could actually wake up. 50mg of Benadryl tends to put me out for at least 36 hours......I figured a cup of coffee would keep me up for the rest of the day. Oh yeah - it kept me up, allright. If you are reading this blog you will see that it is now 1:50am on Wednesday......since I don't drink coffee...or soda...or any caffeine.....a little cup has done more damage than I ever dreamed possible - I expect to crash sometme this morning and wake up......hopefully by Friday!!!!

So, Jill and I went to the mall. This day was all about the eyes. You see, on chemo day I don't do a lot - a little make-up on the eyes so I don't scare people to death ..... and that is it. I don't wear my hair - it is chemo day and I have every intention of being as comfortable as possible.....and I was!! As a result, however, there are a lot of stares. This is not new to me, nor does it bother me. As a matter of fact, I get a kick out of it - especially the men. Since men tend to be less emotional - or reasonable when it comes to a bald head.....I think most of them figure I have lost my mind and shaved my head. (Seriously, guys.....Sinead O'Conner and Britney Spears may do that.....but most women definately do NOT!!!!) Women, on the other hand think with emotions....and probably tend to guess that there is something wrong (hair disease, cancer,.....etc). Today - there were a lot of stares. The first store Jill and I ventured into was White House Black Market. I wish I could tell you that was a good experience. It really wasn't. Those women definately treated me different,...and that was a hard lesson to take. I thought maybe I smelled, or something. It is amazing to think a bald head can have that effect. Later in the evening Jill told me that she would never go back there. I had to concur. I do believe, however, that store was the expection. As Jill would tell me, she believed that the looks she saw seemed to indicate that people were compassionate - they would stare at me and then get a look as if to say,"Good for you. We hope you are ok."....or something else very positive. I call it the human spirit - we are surrounded with people who have a big heart.....quietly or otherwise, they care.

And then there was the girl who changed my day. It was nearing the end of the evening. Around 6:30 we were in the Gap and I had several items in my hand. I was becoming VERY tired - and it probably showed. A young girl walked up to me and asked if she could take my clothes to the dressing room. I was SO RELIEVED!!!! I thanked her and told her that my friend also had a handful!!!! She looked at me and said, "Oh, I don't work here. I just want to help you. My mom was sick and I want to help you. I can take your bags, too. They will keep them behind the counter for you so you don't have to carry them." I stood there for a brief moment.....in silence, and looked at her. I looked in her eyes and I could see the compassion and love of Christ. This girl was the most beautiful stranger I had ever seen. I was silenced. And then I said, "Thank you. Thank you so much." She took my clothes and my bags and walked away.

Okay - for a brief moment I thought...becky, did you just give away all your bags???? But there was such a peace about that thought. I just knew it was okay. I grabbed a shirt, and walked to the dressing room and started trying on clothes. About 5 minutes later I looked up and walking towards me was this girl. She walked up to me, put her arms around me and gave me the biggest hug. I pulled back and asked her name......"Jessica," she replied. "thank you, Jessica, for what you did. Is your mom okay?" She replied that her mom had been in remission for two years. She told me that her mom, also, did not have a wig and she was so proud to see me out shopping. (my baldness did not scare her....it inspired her to reach out to me) She could remember what it was like to carry her moms bags.....and she wanted to help me. I was so touched by her kindness. I had to force myself not to cry (as I am now....just thinking about her...and praying for her). I hugged her and she looked at me and said, "God Bless You. God Be with You."

God Bless YOU, Jessica. Although I will never see you again - I know that Jesus walks this earth because of you. You made a difference in my life today and I wish I could tell you again....thank you....for not listening to the voices telling you to stay away from the freaky lady with no hair......but listening to the voice of God telling you that I needed to see Jesus face to face today.

Guys mouths are best when shut

2009-02-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen the commercial where the gal is getting ready to go out and she puts on the slinky dress....walks to her husband and asks, "Honey, does this make me look fat?" Of course, we all know what he says, right? If he knew what was good for him he just kept his mouth shut - or said something along the lines of, "of course not, honey. You look beautiful." It doesn't matter, anyway. If a woman asks that question it is because she already knows the answer.

It was this commercial that recently came to mind....during a conversation David and I were having. I was in his office doing some work on taxes....well, I was trying to do some work, but kept getting sidetracked. At any rate, over a salad and sloppy joe David and I started to talk - once again - about losing weight. He mentioned that he would like to lose 20 pounds...and I followed with I need to lose the 10 pounds I have gained and get toned again. I really miss working out. David looked at me and somehow I simply knew that whatever was getting ready to pour forth from his mouth was something that I did not want to hear....but he was going to say it anyway. I could see it coming - he was digging a hole and he hadn't said one word. And so he said, "Becky - I wasn't going to say anything. " (at which point I was thinking....then you should probably shut your mouth right now...but I said nothing and allowed him to keep digging). I simply looked at him and nodded, as if to say "Go ahead, David. I am dying to know what you THOUGHT you sholdn't say to me." And he continued, "but....if you would stop eating Dairy Queen all the time this might be easier." Wow.............

For the next 30 seconds I sat there in stunned silence. So did he - and my tirade went something like this. "You know what , David. The only freakin thing I can taste right now is tomato soup and ice cream. And I am NOT going to stop eating ice cream before the chemo is over. Do YOU have ANY IDEA what it is like to eat every day and not taste anything you are eating?" And.....Oh MY GOODNESS....he had the audacity to actually answer me. He said, "Yes - I did that once for two weeks......" I laughed......"You are kidding me, right?" He replied, "No - I had a cold." Folks. I had to bring this agonizing conversation to an end. So - I looked at him and indicated that this talk was over. I believe his last words were something along the lines of, "I probably shouldn't have said anything." NO KIDDING!!!!!! Guys, here is a hint. When you THINK you shouldn't say something - DON'T!!

Now I should probably put a disclaimer on this. David was just stating the obvious - but forgot he was stating it to a wife on chemo. And believe it or not, that makes a difference. There is a reason he often refers to me as "chemo brain." And while I think he is top notch and have probably placed him on a pedestal at times......I learned that even he can fall....as he did. No - seriously, that comment made him crash......and burn.

And so it is - the old saying is true. Guys - you are better off just keeping your mouth shut. Let's take Judas, for example. You would have thought he could have gotten a clue after he denied Jesus the first time. Hello, Judas - the cock crowing didn't set off some bells and whistles in your head. You had THREE TIMES to get it right.....and you had to open your mouth each one. How hard could it have been.....to just ZIP IT!!!

I am not complaining (okay, I am a little....but I have learned that no one listens to complainers....so I am trying to make it look like constructive discipline.) I have come to terms with the weight gain.....and believe me, I will enjoy my ice cream and tomato soup for another two months.....and then spend the rest of the summer getting it off again. Maybe, just maybe, Jillian will show up and whisk me off to the Biggest Loser Ranch!!! I will concede that Bob is the one man right now.....whose mouth is better off not shut.

Have a great day!!!!

Cocky...to be or not to be.

2009-02-18T12:27:00.000-08:00

I have always told my kids to not be cocky. Cocky gets you nowhere - especially when it is with your mother!! Why is it that I can not heed my own advice???

Yesterday was the arrival date of Karen - she was flying in from California to take some photos of her bald friend (that would be me). I thought I should clarify since Karen has a lot of bald friends...many of whom are former classmates - yikes - can't believe it - but there are a lot of bald 40-somethings out there.....As a matter of fact, I had dinner Saturday night with three of them!! It was a little funny. I am not sure how we got on the subject, but Phil mentioned that "bald rules"...and I piped in, "Hey, we do!!!". With me at the table, we actually had FOUR baldies!!! Let me just add....the men make much better looking baldies!!!

I digress...back to karen. Sunday I received a call from her. I thought for sure we were going to discuss her itenerary and coordinating her pick-up at the airport. The first words out of her mouth were, "I have a cold and mom says I can't come see you." HA!!! I thought she was joking. She wasn't. No problem - I simply asked her if she had a fever or the flu. Of course, she did not. So, I said I would call the medical oncologist and see what he said. The great thing about Siteman - they have a medical oncologist on call 24/7 and I can call them about ANYTHING......so I did. I really didn't think it was necessary - especially since Karen did not have a fever. I had always been told I could not be around anyone who had a fever or the flu for at least two weeks after....if someone had said a "cold" then I missed it.

So the doctor called me back........and agreed that Karen could not come. Well, those were not her exact words. Karen could come if I wore a mask the entire time, washed my hands continuously.....and was not exposed to Karen at all. Needless to say, that is NOT what I wanted to hear. Seriously - I thought the doctor would say it was no problem since she had not had a fever. Well, the fever had nothing to do with it. The issue is infection - and since she has a sore throat, is sneezing (transference) and doesn't feel very good, there is a high probability she could give me something. Which - would not be an issue if I was not taking chemotherapy........

Remember my comment about being cocky? Well - I prefer to call it over-confident. that sounds so much better...And, if I might add, I think a little bit of cocky does a whole lot of good when you are fighting cancer.....

So, I may have been a little cocky - but Karen will get here eventually. So, I guess I be!!!

Prayer Request

2009-02-12T20:22:00.000-08:00

Please pray for Phil Hoover, Sr. (Dalton's grandpa.....Dalton is in Austin's class and they are on the basketball team). Mr. Hoover had a biopsy earlier this week on a lump in his neck. They do not have the results yet - but the doctors have indicated they believe it is lymphoma....and they will be meeting with him next Monday to give the results.

So.......please pray. I have personally benefitted from the prayers you have given - I KNOW they work....and I am so thankful for the many prayer warriors who believe - and who do. So, please...let's all show Mr. Hoover what we can do together!!

God Bless You!!!! Thank you for checking in......

The Goodie Bag

2009-02-11T15:18:00.000-08:00

Tuesday is chemo day around here.....and this week was no excpetion. Well, there was an exception - David got the day "off." My friend, Patti Saxer, otherwise referred to as "neighbor" took me for the day. This is what I call true friendship - a woman that will get up at 4am to be at my house by 5:45am in order to leave (it seems I have a couple of girlfriends who fall in this category!!! They are both shoppers, hard workers, and great moms....yeah - that explains it...early to rise is no big deal for them!!!) But the day started before Tuesday morning....it started last week when I got a big old package in the mail........

Yes, it came from my friend Beth. And it was big - so I was thinking....hhhmmmm...Beth has sent me some more cookies - and I was WRONG...well, partly wrong. She sent the cookies allright - but they were for David. For me - it was better. Beth had sent an awesome bag filled with all kinds of goodies that I would need for my day at chemo....it was like Christmas morning when I unpack the stocking all over again!!!

You would not believe what I was pulling out of this bag. I had magazines to read, crossword puzzle books to do (with a pen attached!!!), nuts, kleenexes, sanitizer, gum, licorice, trailmix, more nuts, and I am telling you - each time I opened the bag I found something else...something new that would satisfy whatever need I had at the time...bad breath, altoids to suck on when they accessed my port, (this was great - I asked Patti to hand me the bag THINKING I was going to grab some gum....and out from under the magazine popped the altoids.....beth thought of everything). So...the day wore on and it became very clear that everything I would need to make this day a little brighter, or my stomach a little happier......was in the bag. It reminded me of something else that has everything I need...........

The good book....full of wisdom, words of love, and a remedy for every ailment I have - in any day. I even referred to my bag as my "chemo bible....." I am in love with this bag and plan to keep it filled - and take it each and every Tuesday not only as a reminder of the love I have received from so many....but as a token of what God has done for me throughout this entire process....which is to remind me daily that He deals in the details. He sent his son to die on the cross.....taking care of me through a little chemo would seem to be something that should not even hit God's radar.....but it does. He doesn't forget the details....and I am so thankful for Him.....I am most assuredly thankful each day for the goodie bag. I am most thankful each day.....for you.

A Tale of Two Wigs

2009-02-06T07:17:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I decided I wanted another wig - the first blonde wig I had purchased looked grossly like....a wig. Given I have another 4-6 months without hair, I decided a new wig was in order. So, I headed to Quincy with my friend Jill to make a purchase.

The lady at 8th Avenue escorted me to the back where the wig section lies.....sat me in a chair, and asked me what my natural hair color was. I started laughing hysterically. How should I know? It has been years since I had witnessed my natural hair color....so we looked at my eyebrows - and Jill found this wig. I liked the style - but the color threw me a bit. I don't ever remember having this color hair - but it certainly matched my eyebrows....so I said I would take it. The look grew on me and I have grown to love the brown wig. When Sophie first saw me she asked me what I was doing with Nelsie's hair!!! In addition to the brown wig, I decided to be a little bold - maybe get a long wig - a blonde, long wig! I may have just turned 41, but I feel like I am in my 20's....why not go for it??

So - the long blonde wig was ordered.....and last Saturday the whole family loaded up in the van to drive to Quincy to pick up the new wig....I went inside, the anticipation was simply killing me...so I went alone - I made everyone stay in the van to wait on me. I entered and was surrouonded by a swarm of young girls looking for prom dresses (great - no chance for privacy with this one.) I was, once again, escorted to the back and put in "the chair." The wig expert withdrew the piece from the box and placed it on my head. She immediately began to style it. Believe me - she is EXCELLENT at this....I don't know if she could see the sheer look of horror on my face, but she kept on styling!! She asked if I wanted to wear it out (lord, no, I was thinking - I look like an alien from Pike County...but I didn't want to hurt her feelings...yikes)...so I did...I wore this hideous hairpiece out to the van. I threw open the door, plopped in my seat, smiled at David and asked him what he thought.......no words or emotions were forthcoming. Yes - his lack of response was all I needed to confirm my worst fears. I was an alien....a mixture of blonde ambition from the 80's and a length gone ALL WRONG.......

Simultaneous to my entry to the van, Austin was sending a text message to my friend Jill....it went something like this, "Mom just picked up her new wig and we have a problem." He sent this before he said even one word to his mommy.....believe me - it was justified!!! David, after seeing the sheer look of horror on my face indicated that it was not his favorite look - and he was darned happy I did not like it, either.

I hadn't planned to share this story - but the look is so hideous, I thought I would preserve it for future posterity...or something neat like that. Since I have the right...I am blaming the long, blonde wig on "chemo brain." My kids can pull this up in years to come and.....laugh at their mom. Hey - I will laugh with them. How could I not?

Celine

2009-02-05T09:01:00.000-08:00

Need I say more? Last year Frank got tickets for Mary, Teresa, Frank, and I to go see Celine in concert. It was originally scheduled for November 11th, but she cancelled due to a sore throat. In hindsight, I was so happy because it was less than two weeks after my first surgery - and I was extremely exhausted.......and then last night arrived.....February 4, 2009, the Scott Trade Center....and some McCartney's ...and a Goetten....

The four of us left Pittsfield at 5pm on our blessed adventure. Believe me - it was blessed. How do I know this? Because at 7:15 we were taking the offramp and at 8:00pm...we were STILL on the off-ramp. I can tell you, beyond the shadow of a doubt, angels were carrying our car - because Frank mentioned, several times, that he was very angry (maybe those were not his exact words)...but the concert started at 8:00...hopefully with a warm-up act since we were obviously going to be late.

So - at 8:00 we are still on the off-ramp, and Frank does what we all wanted to do.....he goes down the left lane and makes a right turn(okay - there really wasn't a left lane, but he created one.....he is so creative) ....because we were following a bunch of driving IDIOTS....I can not even get into that - but he did it. We parked 4 blocks away - and STILL made it to our seats by 8:20...to see Gordy Brown, comedian, tear us up!!! I seriously do not know how to explain it other than to say it was Divine Intervention. God, of all people, knew how desperately we wanted to see Celine...and who wants to miss the opening number? I am still in a little bit of shock when I realize what Frank accomplished in 20 minutes....Teresa and I sat in the back and smiled....we knew how is was accomplished!!!

Celine - she was worth every penny and all the stress. We were sitting about 15 rows up from one of the ramps - and the seats were phenomenal. We actually saw her wink....and Frank insists she was looking directly at him (fantasy world).

This has nothing to do with chemo or cancer - but I simply had to let you know.....God is in the details and He didn't let us down!!! So - I give Him the credit....for one of the best concerts of my life!!!

My Item from the Man-List

2009-02-04T07:14:00.000-08:00

Each day when I open my email account I have several emails that have been forwarded to me to read. On occassions, I will open my account and there are more than just a few - so on those days I have to decide which ones I will read and which ones I will simply delete from existence. On one particular day a few months ago it was decision making time....after much consideration and deep thought, I decided to read the one that was titled "men vs. women in the shower"...or something to that effect.

The first part of the email was a list of about 25 things a woman does in preparation for and into the shower. The man list? It had all of three items....but the one I remember was, "man stands in shower, blows his nose into his hand and shakes it off." Okay - that one was very disturbing to me. Confession time - I do this nearly EVERY DAY!!!! I couldn't believe that was on the man list like it was some female forbidden taboo.....Should I even be confessing this? Probably not....but ever since starting chemo, this particular man-item is something I can not live without.

It is the part of my shower I most look forward to - because until I have completed this daily ritual, I am unable to properly breathe. The chemo has thinned the mucous lining not only of my bronchial tubes, but of my nasal passage, as well. So, each day, it clogs up - and each morning it has to be "relieved" of the stress. So, yes, each day I have a really nice bloody nose - not so appealing to you - of that I am certain. Listen - I could get super graphic and share many details of other items the chemo has effected....but I love you more than that. Moving on......

Reviewing the man-list for the shower. If my memory serves me correctly (and my memory is HORRIBLE right now) the other two items for a man in the shower involved body parts that I do not possess....so it would be impossible for those items to pertain to me. Seriously - I am not kidding - it would be impossible. Please take my word on that. However, it gives me pause to note that....what is good enough for the man-list, might just be good enough for me - for all of us.

I am reminded of a line from a play that was done by Triopia many moons ago. I believe it was "Speak of the Devil." My brother was a junior (1980) and Jerry Hooker (can't remember his name in the show) was asked..."So, you have seen God....what does He look like?" And Jerry responded, "SHE'S beautiful!!!" Not sure if he said beautiful.....but the point is.. we all see God as a man....and he made God a woman!! I love it - one of my all-time favorite Ken Bradbury lines!!!

So, here is to us - to life - and to everyone being able to identify with the man-list.

"That's Beautiful, Mom"

2009-02-01T17:35:00.000-08:00

I am not kidding when I say that I have tried.....every day....to see the goodness that surrounds me. ...I often look to my kids - the obvious choice since there are four of them and they are in close proximity to me at all times. And, as you can imagine, there are days when I think I will never see the goodness God has bestowed upon me. Now, I will admit - that terrible outlook is a direct result of my mood, I am quite certain....because the goodness is everywhere - I just sometimes - have my eyes closed (or just see what I want to see).....Well, today was no exception.

We went to church, and, as with most Sundays, I didn't get to enjoy the message, because I spent most of my time in "pew management." Ensuring that the floor is not scattered with cheerios...and the girls are doing as they should (like not killing each other). I am pretty sure God squints at me several times each week....since I most certainly threaten the lives of my children at LEAST three to four times during each service. And it ain't pretty....Today, as I sat there listening (or trying to....), Sophie came to me and put her arm around me and said, "You are so beautiful, mommy." Well, at that moment, nothing else mattered. All worries were gone and I was in complete harmony with....well, with something that felt really good........because she said it like...four or five times during church alone. I was wondering where this child came from....and then I decided to just enjoy it. My head was burning up (hot flashes from the chemo) and it was nice to focus on something else.

Now, not that I am a pessimist. As a matter of fact, I consider myself an eternal optimist. I never even questioned that Sophie really thought her mom was beautiful - you know......beautiful - what do YOU think of when you hear the word beautiful? Well, I was to soon learn that all is not always as it seems. You see, being Sunday, I usually take this day to wrap up loose ends - like, dust on the bed post, shoes out of order, and the clipping of kids' finger and toe nails. I summoned the girls to the bathroom and decided to start with Sophie.....since she loves this chore about as much as I loved my first 8 weeks of chemo...or better yet, as much as anyone loves a root canal without novicane!!

As I was clipping, Sophie grabbed her foot and said, "Oh, mom, that is so beautiful..........." I immediately flashed back to church and the several times my daughter had told me I was beautiful and realized...........beautiful OBVIOUSLY meant something very different to my three year old!!!! I had to laugh a little......she evidently did not appreciate my threats and found her own way to tell me so........

So what did I learn today? What goodness did I see? I saw an awesome God, who created me, and my children, and you in His image.....and in His infinite goodness (perfect wisdom), decided to bestow upon my daughter the word "Beautiful" ........thank God....it saved me having to follow through on my threats......

Have a Beautiful day.....

Half a cake

2009-01-30T11:22:00.000-08:00

When I think of the transformation that has occurred over the past 41 years I am amazed. As a child, all I wanted was toys. As a teenager I wanted clothes, as a young adult I wanted....well...anything...and now...all I wanted was for my kids to give me a kiss!!! And they did. The girls went a step further - they went to grandma's house and the two older ones each made mommy a cake. As you can see from the photo - the chocolate cake was half- eaten before a photo could be taken.

But have no fear - it made Bella's day. She made the chocolate cake......and Gracie got to display it! I can simply thank of no greater gift for my birthday than to receive the love of my children. It gives me a glimpse of the joy God must feel when He hears His children pray - and say....I love you.....so simple.

Have a great day!!!

Chemo #1 of 12

2009-01-28T14:32:00.001-08:00

I simply do not know where to begin. I feel as if I need to post more blogs - but then I think that no one wants to hear about my day....when I haven't had a good day, or I have had a boring day...or I have had one of those days when I wasn't very nice. But I had to blog today - because God has blessed me beyond measure...and I want to share that with you.

Yesterday was day #1 of 12 weeks in a row of chemo. Priase God, the first four rounds are complete - and as I said before....those were the worst ones. My doctor even referred to them as the "hard core $#!%"....the stuff that makes you really sick. Yesterday I started taxol (shortened name) and MOST patients do really well with it - less nausea and less fatigue. Dr. Michel told me again that was the result with MOST patients - but he hesitated to say it would definately be the case for me. Well, we all know what I thought about that.

So....the one difference with Taxol is the pre-meds that they have to give me. The Taxol isn't so bad...but the liquid they have to put it in, in order to place it in my body is pretty tough (if you put taxol in salt water it would simply clump up.....). So...they have to give a bunch of steriods....and the final thing they gave me was 50mg of Benadryl....seriously, a dose you normally give someone is 5mg. Needless to say, I was dead to the world within 30 seconds of the dose being administered - and they had to wake me up 4 hours later...because it was time to go home!! YIIPPEE!!! I missed the whole thing....although I woke up long enough to eat the burger I had requested - never saw me skip a meal.

So- what is the good news? David and I were half-way home and he looked at me and said, "You feel good, don't you?" All I could do was say....Yes.....I feel great. We BOTH wanted to cry. Okay - me because I can not even describe to you how good it felt to not feel bad. David - well, I am fairly certain his motivation for crying was feeling like he might get to go an entire day...or even week...without getting his head chopped off. I may be off on that assumption - but you didn't see the look in his eyes - pure joy!

So how did we celebrate? We drove straight to Beardstown to watch our son and the JV team play in the tourney.....my entire chemo schedule is based on Austin's games.....I even missed a muga scan last week because they scheduled it at 3pm on Tuesday - no chance of getting back for Austin's game - so I just didn't go and I made them re-schedule it (seriously - this is a Saukee mom on chemo.....keep your distance!) I actually have a shirt that says that - thanks to my friend Tasha (with a short a)...for those of you who know her - getting me that shirt is no surprise to you!! She is hysterical.

I woke up today.....and I feel great - I feel so good I think I might blog about a few things that have happened over the past few weeks....things that I wanted to blog about - but didn't feel good enough to do it - but I do now....and there are some really funny things....so I will be back.

In the meantime - I do not hesitate to say that I know, without a doubt, from where my good news - and my strength - comes. And each day I fall on my knees and give thanks......

Mouth Sores

2009-01-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

At my first chemo session, David and I were given a "tutorial" on ...."What to expect when you are taking chemo." One of the highlights for me was learning about mouth sores. At the time, given my lack of experience taking chemo, I thought...."hey, this could be beneficial." Mouth sores mean I can't eat - which means I won't get big and fat from the steroids. (Will I ever quit obsessing about my weight? I venture to guess the answer to that is no.)

Looking back, there are several things I remember vividly about my mom's cancer. Mouth sores is one of them. There was one food in this world that she could not stand - that was yogurt. For weeks - many weeks - the only food she could eat......was yogurt. SO, here goes the guilt again - I am actually looking forward to getting mouth sores so all I can eat is yogurt? What is wrong with me?

Over the past few weeks my skin has become....very sensitive. My fingers actually hurt on the tips - I figure it is due in some part to this chemo....no other explanation. And the mouth sores? I had a couple a few weeks ago - but nothing that would keep me from eating normally.....no, I haven't had those mouth sores. No No No No No.......my sores aren't in my mouth......they are on the bottoms of me freakin feet!!

This is no joke. I am having a terrible time walking. It is actually a bit hysterical. I felt them coming on Saturday - well, I have felt the tenderness for awhile, and then Saturday Night....BOOM......can you believe this? I wished for mouth sores so I couldn't eat....and I was blessed with foot sores so I can't walk. Where is the irony here? I obviously have my priorities all messed up. I can tell you, for sure, my focus has been blurred (literally.....foggy when I wake up and open my eyes) - and when you aren't seeing things clearly, sometimes you need to be shook up. I guess I need to be shook up.

So, I am laying in bed - sitting on the couch....sitting in the pew at church....and at all of these times I am declaring......"LORD......I AM LISTENING......." Am I not hearing you? I am really trying to see the good in this cancer.....in particular the chemo which I simply do not enjoy.....and wondering to myself......what do You want me to feel? I have decided.....that there are no mouth sores so I can continue to praise Him and speak so freely about my dependence on Him.....and foot sores......because God has a sense of humor.

12:53, Day #2

2009-01-14T10:54:00.001-08:00

What is the significance of time? Well let's just say I am learning it right now. And the clock seems to be clicking out of control.

9 Days ago I had to call the "Pharmacy Specialist" of my insurance provider in order to get one of my medications distributed by them....so I did. I gave them all the info they asked for - Dr's name, pharmacy I use locally, date of birth, first child's blood type. You get the drill. the last thing I discussed with them was that I would have chemo on the 13th and would need to take this shot on the 14th...no later than 3:00pm (24 hours after chemo).

the shot is Neulasta - and it increases my white blood cell count. AND......while this may seem a bit odd....it helps me not feel so sick (funny, huh......considering days 3-11). At any rate, I showed up to the pharmacy this morning at 9:30 am - and they DID NOT have it!!! So I flew back to the office and started calling...won't bore you with ALL those details....but I am on hold right now - guess what the "pharmacy specialist" told me? She indicated that they couldn't get the insurance company to do an override. As you can imagine, my response was one of acceptance, patience, kindness, and calm. I informed her, quite eloquently, that this was not my fault - by her OWN admission, they had this prescription since last Wednesday and she didn't know WHY they had not responded. Therefore, the pharmacy needed to make arrangements to pay for the prescription. And now........Now I have been on hold for 13 minutes while she tries to find someone.....and she was back. To tell me that Kate will be calling me shortly.

I see why people give up - they know I have to do this injection within the next 1 hour and 50 minutes....regardles of who pays - which means if I have to pay $600 instead of $60, then I will. And they know that. But what they do not know, is that they have unleashed something they simply will not be able to contend with - you know....some call it having a higher power. I call it Jesus.

And the phone rang again.....Kate is working on it - I have NO IDEA why I am so calm right now (that is such a lie - I know EXACTLY why I am so calm.......God is in control). This is actually a really good feeling.....complete submission - which I did not have at 9:45 this morning when I ran inito David's office BAWLING....

And the phone rang AGAIN....it was Kate - they got it approved. Holy cow God moves fast. What was I thinking? I wish I would have submitted to Him about three hours ago!!! I may have thought twice about eating that Big N Tasty from McDonalds....which I will SOOO pay for later!!!

Bald Is Beautiful

2009-01-14T08:53:00.000-08:00

This is my friend Troy, the DJ. That is what the girls call him - so, we have sort of followed suit!! He is a dear friend of David and I - and if you look closely, you will probably recognize him. He has played DJ at MANY weddings and parties over the years......and we sort of think he is the best at that!! Anyway.......

I received an email from Troy some time ago saying he would like to go to chemo with me (all I could think of was he must be deranged....why else would he want to waste a day doing that????) So, #4 chemo - Troy took me. And, as you can tell....he is bald. He didn't used to be bald - but he did it so I wouldn't have to be bald alone. I told him that was totally cool (and I am very humbled by it) - but that I felt sort of bad...I mean - I have other bald friends (Ken - you have the most beautiful bald head I know!!!) And after being bald myself - now I know why I used to always want to rub Ken's head....I think I used to drive him nuts! (Ken - I am so sorry!!!). Although - Gracie rubs my head now...and I actually REALLY like it!!!!

Okay - I digress. Troy and I had a great day. I actually received some very encouraging news from my doctor. I was visiting with Dr. Michel prior to the chemo infusion and we were talking specificallly about how I feel terrible between days 3-11. Of course - every patient is different. I said that maybe I was a little depressed due to the lack of lifting and good exercise.....and I have gained 10 pounds in 3 months.....and then.....well, he told me that he has another patient that is going through the EXACT same regimen as me. She hasn't had one day of nausea, pain, discomfort (of course I am jumping up and down wanting to know WHAT IS SHE DOING???????) - And then, in a way only he could say it, he proclaimed "the only difference between you and her is that she weighs 300 pounds." Well.....'nuf said. I'll take a little nausea over that any day. Seriously - do I really want to gain another 150 pounds just to feel better? yeah - that's what I thought.

And I was happy about something else yesterday, as well. I had another "boob fill". They put in 24 ounces (I think 4 pounds of my weight gain are in these boobs!!!). I was a bit freaked out because for the first time I could visibly see them expanding - and it was sooooo cool.......I thought for sure that by looking at them I was a size "b". So the first thing I did this morning.....was put on my size "b" bra. And guess what???? I am still just a big size "a". I could NOT believe that. It has caused me to re-think the size I want to be. And the guy who requested the 44DD (not naming names, Danny)....well.....it will be a cold day you-know-where....before that EVER happens. Seriously - that is just a not-in-this-lifetime thing for me. Moving on.......

The night ended with a drive to Quincy to watch the Freshmen basketball team play. I wish there was more to say....but it just wasn't our night. My son forgot his uniform and called another set of parents to turn around and go get it....and they did (God Bless You Phil and Cindy). I had actually told Austin that David was riding with them.....(I didn't know at the time that he wasn't) ....anyway - I wish David HAD been riding with them - he would have told them to forget it. I usually don't remember much about the day of chemo...they give me a LOT of drugs.....I am sort of hoping I forget a lot about last night.

Day 1 of chemo #4 was great. I loved it. And I really do like my bald head. It figures - one of the only features about my body I like....and in about 7 or 8 months I won't be able to see it anymore......and the cycle continues!

Thank you for your kind words, your prayers, and your never-ending smiles. I can't tell you how much you mean to me.....God Bless you!!!!

I apologize for the lay-out. This is what happens when I post photos - I have worked on trying to make it more reader-friendly for the past 30 minutes!!!!

Love Life....Day 14

2009-01-12T12:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I received an email from my friend Kim....she had a gift for me and wanted to know if she should mail it or come over. Well.....of course I said to come over. Quite frankly, getting to visit with a friend is the best gift I could receive - so I was very glad to take her up on that.

She arrived with her daughter, Tally....who my daughters immediately began to interrogate (and drive nuts)...or so I thought. It was actually a bit hysterical. Tally came into the room where we were visiting to give updates every 15 minutes on what was going on with the girls...(I am still laughing). Anyway....it was a perfect evening.....and the gift...

Kim gave me a ring with an inscription on it. The outside of the ring says "Love Life" and the inside says "Be Brave." I have worn it every day since. You know, as a hormonal woman my instinct has been to stay at home and hide the first 11 days after chemo. Seriously - you don't want to see me, anyway. I am simply not very nice....so I don't love life on those days....or, at least I think my actions might say I don't love life. And brave??? Brave is sporting a 100 pound backpack and trekking through the mountains of Afghanistan looking for some really bad people.....brave is taking chemo knowing your chance of living is very slim...but you would do anything to stay alive. I can think of a lot of definitions for brave - and not one of them applies to me. However, the idea humbles me. I want to be brave.....I really do.

Tomorrow.....when they stick in the needle and I start to feel the effects.... (It is pretty immediate - and, quite frankly, not so bad. Because the first thing I feel is like I am higher than a kite. They tell me this is the medicine that keeps me from feeling sick. I think it is the medicine that makes me nice for a couple of days - I am really happy on day 1. ) Anyway.....back to the point. When I get stuck and I start to think about my kids....which is what I do. I will remember to love everything about the moment - it is allowing me to keep the only life I have.

Defense Defense

2009-01-06T07:18:00.000-08:00

Well, it is basketball season around here....and we love it at the McCartney household!! I wish there were games every night of the week.....(yes, I am one of those moms.) Last night was another Freshmen game - which is so nice for our boys. We have 6 on the team and they play so well together - I think they are a ton of fun to watch. The dads, however, are struggling a bit. You know the old saying - the best offense is a good defense. (I don't know if that is the saying - but it works here....so I am going with it) Unfortunately, I guess our boys don't use the balls of their feet and they get burned a lot on the baseline (hey - I still think they are fantastic!!) and.....defense has not been our strongpoint. While this may be important on the court, I am very proud of them for taking an "offensive" attitude. They are winners and getting better every day! (Keep it up, Saukees!!!)

Which brings me to my point.....defense. This little issue I have been dealing with since September has been an opportunity for me to take the offense. Ok - I can't really take credit for that - it's easy to take the offense when you have put the ALMIGHTY ONE in charge (thanks, God!!) However, I am human. And as a result, lately I have taken to the defensive and it's not something I think I want to talk about.....but I need to talk about it - it shows God's goodness and Grace, even for me. It shows what happens when I start thinking with my head instead of my heart - and believing, for SOME reason, that I can actually get more accomplished than He can. (I need an attitude adjustment....don't tell my kids - they will run for the wooden spoon.)

I am not going to belabor the facts of chemo and how it effects my body. Let me just say - I have struggled with the lack of "good feelings" I was expecting. I am, however, a poker face, so I can get through a lot of that when talking to peopleother than my family.....it's when I am enclosed within the four walls of my home in the presence of my family....that another side of me has gone on the.......defense. (maybe I am trying to sugarcoat this.....I have been a real toot lately.)

This weekend I found myself being short with Sophie (Please - of all the issues....I completely think being short with her is justified. She put finger nail polish on nearly every surface in our home....she is LUCKY it was me....her dad would have thrown her out the window!) And that is just the tip....the problem is I have become short with everyone in the house. I KNOW I am doing it - and yet I keep doing it.....yelling, swatting, and not being very kind to David. Let's just say, in my opinion, over the past several weeks, God has been quite disappointed in my behaviour. So much so that I was convinced He probably wished He could take my family away from me.......and then He sent a message.....this is how GREAT He works....

Yesterday (in the vehicle, holding the wooden spoon which seems to get a reaction out of Sophie now) I turned to WIBI and what did I hear? Some lady saying this, "Remember - God does not love you based on how you feel about yourself. He loves you unconditionally - no matter what - no matter how many times you mess up......" OK OK OK.....I lost it a little there. I have to admit, it's nice to know that the "God Police" won't be showing up anytime soon - I would be taken away for sure, However, the God of Love is here....and I don't need to play defense for Him - He already won the GAME!!!!!!! I am so blessed....I pray you are, as well.......

Day Three - No Stolen Moments

2009-01-02T11:43:00.000-08:00

Prior to having surgery for the bilateral mastectomy on October 29th, I remember having a conversation with my brother-in-law, Ed, about "day 3" after surgery. There is an unwritten rule that day three seems to be the toughest day - maybe it has something to do with all of the hard core drugs finally draining from your system and your body waking up....and starting to feel the pain. Well, I remember waiting for that moment on my day 3....and while I was in pain, it didn't seem to be as monumental as I had anticipated. So, while the "day 3" theory did not hold a lot of water for me after my surgery....it seems to hold a ton of ice when it comes to chemo.

I was so excited this week - Day 1, Jill and I actually stopped at Macy's at the Mid Rivers Mall and did a little shopping....Day 2 was New Year's Eve. I felt so good that my husband took me to see ValKyrie and out for DQ....and on our way to the show he had me call the kids and tell them that the whole family would go to the show on New Years Day to See "Marley and Me." Needelss to say, they were thrilled with that phone call!

And then I woke up New Year's Day - and I could already tell that something wasn't quite right. My first clue was when I wanted to rip David's head off over some silly insoles. I was banging around the house, trying not to snap at the kids, taking my drugs, and praying that the terrible nausea I was feeling would disappear. I decided to just ignore it. I went to the kitchen - and David was saying something about the insoles again and I lost it. I told him he could go to the show by himself with the kids (why would I say that....) He just responded that he figured he would anyway. (Ok - that told me that I must have been in a real sour mood all morning!!!)

I was helping to get the kids ready - and David wanted to leave. It was noon and he wanted to get lunch before the movie. I said to wait and I would go too....David replied, "NO....you don't feel good - you can just stay here." TO which I responded by flying into my bedroom, flopping on the bed, and starting to bawl. Yikes - why in the world was I letting this happen? I kept thinking if I would just ignore the nausea, everything would be fine. All I can say it that in the next few moments - it is a good thing that David didn't act like a man....you know - just get the kids and leave. he actually came into the bedroom and told me that if I didn't feel good I could stay at home - but if I wanted to go, I could join them. I knew this was NOT a time to be more dramatic. SO, I hopped up, but on my turban and away we all went (well - they had to wait on me for a few minutes. I may feel nauseous, but I still have to primp!!).

We went to lunch and then the show - and the kids were so good. We actually ended up at Wal-Mart (had to get those insoles taken care of). We were home by 5pm and I slept until this morning at 8am.....but all I can say is that I am SO THANKFUL I did not let the chemo steal that moment for me. 2009 is going to be a great year - and I was so looking forward to doing the family thing that day - and I got to do it!!! Day 3....no big deal.

You see, on the 3rd day, God not only created dry land and seas, but the land began creating vegetation - seed bearing trees according to their kinds. All of this on day 3. SURELY I can handle a little nausea.....I suppose it is all about perspective - and I need to focus a little more outward and a lot less inward.....

Happy New Year - I pray for you many blessings in 2009 - there is no doubt this will be the best year of my life yet.....and I pray you can say the same.

The comment Box, Please.......

2008-12-31T10:35:00.001-08:00

I received an email today about a whale that was caught off the coast of SanFrancisco..close to the Golden Gate Bridge. This whale had become entangled in a web of spider traps, ropes, and other difficult things to maneuver. A fisherman spotted the whale and called for help - it became clear quite quickly that the only way to save the whale was to dive right in and cut it free....a dangerous proposition for those willing to dive in - because one flop of the tail could be fatal to a human. But, true to the spirit of giving to others - they dove in and saved her. Afterwards, she swam around them in a joyous circle - gently nudging each of them as if to say "Thank you." And, she never took her eye off the fellow who cut her mouth free - an eery, and beautfiful feeling, I am quite sure!!

I read the email more than once, sent by mom Castle. And it gave me pause. Of course, I looked at it as a parable of sorts - Jesus always told stories to get a message across, and maybe this was a story to get a message across to me, as well (a true story , by the way - they had the photographs!!!)

I have spent the last several days/weeks/months becoming tangled sometimes in a web of self-obsession. Seriously - at first I was obsessed with ANYTHIGN I could read about breast cancer (which gave me nearly fatal brain overload), then I was obsessed about my weight and having to take steroids (ok - still obsessing there....but I am GETTING it...OK), I was very obsessesed, inwardly, about the spiritual well-being of my kids through all this (that was not necessary - has truly become a non-event in their lives). There have been other obsessions - David is obsessed with making sure the kids do NOT see my breast scars. I asked him how he is going to explain that to the many volunteers who are WANTING to help with that situation - he had no response. I think he thought I was kidding. Oh well - we'll deal with that when the time comes.

My latest obsession has been dreading the chemo trip. Yesterday was #3 - ONLY 13 to go YIPPEE!!!!! I am thrilled. So, I was supposed to spend the day with Beth - and PLEASE PRAY FOR BETH AND HER FAMILY. Her father recently passed away and now her mother is facing multiple surgeries due to a terrible fall on the ice. Needless to say - Beth needed to be with her mom - and I know I will get some private time with her and the girls soon........I gotta tell you, though, I felt the wires gripping tight when I heard the news of her mom - I knew she would be unavailable and although I had planned to bring comfort to her during the day - I knew she would make me laugh - probably all day!! (selfish on my part - good friends are such a jewel).

So what did God do for me? He sent Hillary. that is my dear, dear friend Jill. David gets the biggest kick out of her - he told me he thought it would be an interesting day for me. He had absolutely no idea.

First of all, we had to drop Nelsie off at the airport to go back to Baltimore. That is always a tough time for us - we usually have Kenny take her so we don't have the dreaded good-bye. What I would not give to get her back to Illinois.....she is a single, 31 year-old, beautiful girl inside and out (maybe a little high maintenance - but for heavens sake she has been on her own since she was 18 - I think she's entitled to that...and I digress...we'll save the "Nelsie info-mercial" for another blog. I'll probably get 1000 hits on that one!!!)

Second, the girls chatted so much the whole way down there that I never got an opportunity to text my friend Troy at 107.1 - we text EVERY other Tuesday on the way to chemo and he plays my songs and David and I get a real high out of that!!! It is literally the highlight of the day for us. I will make up for that at the next trip!!! And what were we talking about? Saving the world, of course...

So Jill and I finally get to the Hospital. I tried to get her to park like David (he pulls illegally up the left lane of level 4 - there are always a TON of spots there). Jill refused to do anything illegal. Wow - I knew I was going to have to break her in.

Where do I begin? We got right in for the blood draw, the boob-pump, the doctor visit, and then the chemo began....Finally - I was so hoping they would get me in early - I AM ALWAYS there early..but it never matters. I have learned - chemo is on time...or a little late. They average 150 patients each day - and on Monday they had 182 - YIKES!!!

Jill was such a trooper through the whole day. It was interesting to get her feedback. While we were waiting in the lobby she was overwhelmed by the number of young people there. (I think she meant people our age). Yeah - you don't think anyone has cancer until you go to this waiting room.....and then you realize it is a real thing for a lot of people - a lot of people who may be dealing with spider nets and ropes tied around their hearts and their bodies...I don't like that thought. I am so glad that I say "Merry Christmas" to everyone I see.....

We finally got back to POD 3 - I will always be in POD 3. I had a "tumor" cancer and this is where they take care of us - not to mention I am part of a clinical trial and they take of us there, too. There are other chemo areas - they have an area for liquid cancers (leukemia, etc - cancers of the blood), and finally for blood marrow cancers. All of these cancers are treated very differently - which is why they put them in different areas.

How do I know all this stuff? Her name is RENEE - and we love her. I actually look forward to seeing her when I go - and pray that she doesn't take Tuesdays off!!! I am not sure what I would do if I go next time and she isn't there - she makes chemo FUN....seriously - she does. When we walked back to the room she asked if there was anything we needed. Jill bent down and whispered in her ear , "Yeah, could you tell me where the Bloody Mary bar is?" Renee calmly replied that drinks would be served at 3pm but until that time she was on her own - I KNEW we were all going to hit it off! Let me add - that Jill was ssaying stuff like this to me all day. There are times when she talks that I bend over laughing and she says, "Oh my gosh are you ok - shoudl you be laughing that hard?" I promised her that I would not tell everything....you have no idea how hard that is for me - she is a real comedian.

At least that is what I thought ( I would be up and having a rip-roaring time) . Renee started my pre-meds and I fell asleep - I slept the ENTIRE time...I have never done that. I will definately try it again in two weeks, because I think it helped. At least, they told me it did. And today - well, today has been the very best "next day" I have had to date!!!!

So what about people diving in to help a whale in trouble. That is what nurse Renee is. You know - she loves her job. She mentioned that she even cries sometimes when she goes home - but she knows that what they are doing is a GREAT thing. She shared a story about a very young gal who was there and on her death bed.......today - that girl is married and has two kids. A miracle, no doubt - the result of many people diving in to cut the wires. And it is nice to meet people who live and breathe it all day long. Renee - well - she not only gives to all of us, but she gives to all she knows. She is in the process of cutting those wires for a dear friend - who needs a place to live. I am very much abbreviating this story - but I want you to get the jist. These nurses are special. So special that I don't even know her title - I just know her name....which is WAY more important to me!!!

SO - thank you, Renee, for being one of the many people who have jumped in to cut my wires and save my life - I hope that I can swim around you in joyous circles and leave you with many blessings.........God Bless You.

And the comment box? Well, Jill decided that since there were no Bloody Mary Bars for the "supporters and friends" she would simply make a few suggestions....we just couldn't find the comment box!!!! (Jill - I heard you loud and clear - thank you for making my day a bit brighter....I will find that comment box, dear!)

I'm Tired

2008-12-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to complain or anything.......but I am REALLY ready for this whole cancer thing to be....over. I think someone forgot to tell me that when the chemo started....it would actually be a REAL thing - and it would last for....well, about 5 months. I don't care about the hair loss, or the weight gain (ok - maybe I am lying about that one), or the nausea, or the stares - I'm just ready for normalcy.

That is SOOOOOOOOOO funny. Actually, maybe cancer and chemo is preparing me for three girls to be teenagers simultaneously. I can't confirm this - but I am guessing that anyone with three teenage daughters might take...at least a double take...when given the option. Ok, that is not funny - but maybe an indication of the hormones we have in our house.....and Christmas - all I can say is Thank God for Christmas.

Honestly, I ask myself....how in the world can I complain about anything - when compared to Mary? She road on a smelley donkey while at the very last stages of pregnancy (and was, I am quite sure, thankful for the ride). She went into labor and instead of having a nice, warm bed to lie in (drugs for the pain) - she was given a stable....to share with animals. I am getting a bit queezy just thinking of the smell she would have had to endure - and I thought chemo was bad. Seriously - I have drugs to help me through this. And I bet Mary would say - she had Joseph, and God........I guess that is something I have in common with her - God. Thank God....because in case you haven't guessed....I am going a bit stir-crazy.

I am so thankful that Mary rode on that donkey and gave birth in a stable so that I could have eternal life - and not walk alone....ever. My next chemo treatment is Tuesday. I really just want it to come and go - and for my life to be normal through this. You know - no more nausea....or steroid tummy. What do I mean by that?

Well, Austin made a keen observation the other day - he informed me that my stomach was sticking out. The horns popped out of my head and I informed him that it was the steroids....and that telling his mother her stomach was big....in any manner....was so uncool. Truly, for a moment I thought about taking him down - then I remembered the last time I tried that. It didn't work - I cried "mercy" and he let me go....oh well....I did inform him, however, that I had other means of torture (removal of phone, etc).

Enough of that - I am rambling. Just sitting here, a bit humbled by the Grace of God and thinking of you. And praying.

2008-12-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

Clearly - having lost my hair has also caused me to take temporary leave of my senses....all of them....but I am speaking, in particular, regarding the sense of reason. The doctor said these drugs could cause "loopiness" and "temporary memory loss." Folks - I am here to tell ya'.....I think Doc knew what he was talking about.

SO it is December 23rd (Gracie and David and Mary's birthdays!!) and I have tried THREE times to go shopping with Jill to finish up a few "last minute" details. The last two times we were side-swiped by illness (me) and weather. Today was to be the day.....and I was bound and determined to go. And it wasn't about needing anything - I definately did not HAVE to have anything else.....I just wanted to see Jill - give her a gift....and let her see my baldness!!! I knew she would give me the "real deal."

When I woke up today I had predetermined to go - no matter how I felt. Quite an ignorant act on my part....because I really wanted to lie in bed again - all day. But NNNOOOOOO (temporary loss of reason). I took a shower (which, by the way, lasts 10 minutes less than it used to due to the no hair factor!), got dressed, put on make-up.....and went for the wig. NOT!! I thought - if I am going shopping this morning, I am going to be comfortable - so I grabbed a new hat that came in the mail yesterday - it is so......chic!! I guess you would say it is so NOT me!!! But I love it and I put it on with a scarf and away I went.

Jill and I started at Best Buy. She dropped me off at the door and parked the utility vehicle. For the common shopper viewing us from afar, we were clearly the brabie doll with her sick sister. (David told me that is why he hates the turbans.....they SCREAM - 'I HAVE CANCER') I entered Best Buy and in addition to my hat, gloves, and all of my gear, I put on the mask - and I could not believe the stares. They didn't bother me at all - I actually got a real laugh when I noticed the manager was following me. After about 5 minutes he approached and asked if there was something he could do for me. I said....nope....I am just standing here - admiring your merchandise while my girlfriend is looking. He said okay and walked away...later I thought to myself - did that guy think I was strying to steal? OMG!!! Who else thinks I am a thief in disguise? While the stares didn't bother me - that thought did.....here I was - stuck - I had to wear the mask.....every person I ran into was coughing, hacking, and blowing their nose - I had no choice. I had no choice but to look like what some might refer to as a "freak" or a "sick person." Seriously - people stare....and then walk as far away from me as they can. I think they thought it might be contagious. I should have told them - it is just chemo. I am cancer free - but I can show you how to vomit.........(sorry...)

So the day ended early due to inclement weather and I headed back to Pittsfield. (had to call the oncologic Nurse and get an antibiotic - chemo in the winter is so NOT cool) I needed to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things - like everyone else. And all I could think of was - I need to get in here and get out because I don't really want to have to wear the mask....so I didn't (shame in me). As I was entering the building a very nice older and attractive gentleman commented on the weather - and I commented back...and I wished him a Merry Christmas.....and then I ran in to him at the oranges, the bakery, the bacon, the cream of chicken soup.....and finally - ran smack dab into him at the milk....and he stopped and said, "Mam, if you don't mind my saying- I just wanted to let you know you have the most beautiful eyes I have ever seen." I was speechless - but said to him, "Thank you, sir -you just made my day. Merry Christmas again." And away he went - and I didn't see him again.

So I was left thinking to myself....that all day people could see my eyes....what did I say to them? And I had the nicest thought....those people didn't think I was doing something wrong - they knew something was different and they just wanted to help......and they wanted to see the look in my eyes when they offered assistance. A lesson 7B could take to heart...

Maybe it is the spirit of the Christmas season. I say - it is the spirit we have all the time, we just sometimes put it in a box and wrap it with a bow and don't use it - until someone unwraps it for us. My prayer is that you unwrap the gift in your heart this Christmas season....and allow God t oshare with you what is really going on behind those eyes.

God Bless you - and may you feel His presence as we celebrate the greatest gift any of us could ever have hoped for.

December 17th - Hair today, gone tomorrow

2008-12-17T16:01:00.000-08:00

One of the things my doctor recommended was daily bathing - In order to keep germs and bacteria at a minimum, and reduce the chance of infection, etc. SO, I have a ritual - get up, take a shower, get ready....blah....blah....blah

Today, I got up - washed my hair, and as I was pulling my hand away and looked down - I feared I had enteres a twilight zone of another place.....I looked like an APE!!! There was hair everywhere. Needless to say, I had pulled out half of my head. I have said in the past that as soon as my hair started to show signs of falling out, I would shave my head. My motivation for that comment was the memories I have of my mommy's hair falling out - i remember it....and I do not like that memory. But today I thought....naaawwww....I will see how much I have and maybe I can fix it another day. (It must have been the loopy drugs talking)

So I got out of the shower, let my hair dry naturally for a few mintes while I talked to Jill, and then returned to the bathroom. I was thinking - short hair, short "do" - this is no problem. As I rounded the door and peaked at myself in the mirror, I nearly gagged at the site. Seriously - it was HYSTERICAL!!! Do you know those men (sorry men - you again) who have half a head of hair and instead of cutting it to look right, they let one side grow REALLY long and flip it over to the other side? Do you know what I am talking about - THAT IS WHO I WAS LOOKING AT IN THE MIRROR!!!! I nearly took a photo. No - that is not true. I actually went to get the camera - I couldn't let this one pass.....but I couldn't find that silly little fella and I was a bit ticked.

At any rate, I feared that if I left my hair looking like that it would scare my kids to death if they saw it. Not to mention I was shedding everywhere - I could not get out of the bathroom - every time I touched my head, a bundle of hair came out. So, I decided - this is it.....and I shaved it. Well - not really - I used David's clippers. I didn't feel the need to shave because in the next day or two the rest of the stubble will fall out. And you know what - this is GREAT!! Or, it would be if it were summertime - I don't know how bald poeple do it. Even with my wig on, my head is cold when I go outside....

So David, Gracie and I were in the office this evening waiting on them to go to the Christmas program at the Crossroads (I can not attend...way too close of quarters with too many people - my doctor said....no...and I can not believe I am listening to that...but daddy has the video camera!!!) Back to the office........Gracie laid her cookie on my desk that Ms. Stacy gave her for Christmas and then went to sit on her dad's lap. I yelled in to her - "Gracie, is this cookie for me?" And she said, "yes." Her dad then told her that he thought it was for him....and she told him, "Mom is BALD so she gets the cookie!!!"

It is like I said - this cancer thing is really paying off!!!! Have a great day - and God Bless!!!

Don't rain on my parade

2008-12-17T05:30:00.001-08:00

Okay - I know this has happened in your house.....especially if you, the wife, have EVER tried to lose weight.......Last April David and I set out on an a mission to get healthy - for real - exercise, eat right, and drop the ridiculous weight we had gathered over the early part of 2008. (I really wish I had not wished this year away...but when it started with me getting mono, diagonosed on January 15th and put on those beloved steroids)....I knew it was going to be a long year.....wow, little did I know that God had something much greater in store for me - a year full of blessings that would/will take me the rest of my life to take in.

Okay - so back to the weight loss thing. It has always been a tradition in my house.....I get up, go pee, take off ALL my clothes (you know - every ounce counts) and I weigh myself. This was particularly difficult for a few months this summer because David and I were going to the hospital to be weighed by nurses - I thought it would be entirely inappropriate for HIM to get undressed!!! SO, we changed that routine to fit the current tide.

Finally.....in the mornings I would declare "HONEY......I lost three pounds this week!!!!" And I would be so excited - knowing it was real weight loss...not just water. And, each and every time I could count on David responding, "Great, Honey, now let me go take a $#!* (beep was required here) and I will lose FIVE pounds." NICE, David - real nice....thanks for the encouragement- I hope you go to the bathroom and it never comes out!!!! And when it does....DO NOT yell at me to come look at it - I do not care if it is the mother of all loads!!!

Seriously - if this doesn't happen at your house, then I guess - well, maybe you aren't normal.....because my brother was the same wway....can't say, however, that I EVER heard my daddy say that to my mommy - although I am quite certain he did!!! (and I have several cousins I could name by NAME....but I won't...they might come hurt me!!!)

Thus began our trek to Siteman yesterday for Chemo #2. I started the day with the blood draw. David decided to watch - he had not seen them access the port and I thought he might find it cool. So, they got it prepared and she came in for the STICK......and david says,, "WHOA....honey, did that hurt?" And my response was - it freakin hurt...yes, it hurts. TO which he replied, "Damn, that looked like it hurt." You know - he loves me - he really loves me - he has a way with words, yeah.......I think he has become numb to part of this, which is expectable......but I laughed....no, kidding.......

And on to see 7B - she was there today. Do you know what I did? I gave her my name - with a smile.....and I said to her - Merry Christmas. I hope you can make the difference in the life of someone else today. And do you know what she said???? Nothing - but she smiled. I considered that a triumph. Maybe she never gets any encouragement anywhere else. Believe me - this was God talking. All I really wanted to do was reach across the desk and wring her neck...but what would that have accomplished? (okay - some short term gratification for me that would have turned into ridiculous guilt which would have made me end up blaming MYSELF for her problems.....yeah - being nice was definately the only alternative and a lot less work!!)

I was taken by a nurse coordinator for the blood pressure and the "weigh-in" (finally - the point of this blog)....AND........I lost 2.5 pounds since my last visit, Well - NO KIDDING!!! If you have to cut out the sugar.....believe me, it would come off - I would have lost 7 pounds, but decided to do Chinese and Mexican over the past week - the Mexican was actually OK....But mama will have no-no Chinese for a very long time!!!! And, I am sure part of it is still the muscle I am losing....but it gets better. David - like every man - hovers over the weight reading.....you know - he wants to see how I am doing (sure!) Do you know what he said? I commented, "Honey - I lost 2.5 pounds since the last visit?" "What?", he replied. "I thought you weighed XXX" YES, David - I weigh XXX at home - but they weigh me HERE on a $10,000 scale every two weeks - so this is a more accurate reading of where I really freakin am." And then...the moment came, "Well, honey - I cold go to the bathroom..." STOP STOP STOP.......yes - I made him zip it and we were off to see Dr. Michel!!! How DARE he try to rain on what might be my only parade of the day!!

The best part of the day - talking to the doctor with my consistent list of questions. As I described my first chemo, he jumped up and brought two nurses in. His comment was ," We do this all the time - hundreds of times each week and your reaction is not normal - there is something else going on here." Of course, I was not alarmed because I KNEW there was something wrong - and it was called....not enough drugs when they gave the first chemo. SOOOOOOOOOOO we changed the scrip and were off to Dr. Brandt.

Now - the "boob filling" is an appt that last all of 5-6 minutes. I walk in the room, take off my clothes and the dr comes in to see how I did the past two weeks - and I told him to "continue to fill the girls up - they still look flat to me." So...he did. And I am happy to report I have a bump - it is probably like a bra size AA or AAA. I am hoping to move up to a solid A by the next visit. And, girls -- the best part is these suckers are HARD!! No jiggling here - no hitting me in the chin when I run, or getting in the way of shaving....or other things - this . Well....I will admit that as time goes on - this is SOOOO going to be worth it!!!!! (p.s To Mr. Danny - you know who you are!!!! There will definately NOT be 44 DD's!!!)

And now - back up to the chemo room (so sorry for the long email - it was just such an eventful day)...We checked in, got our parking ticket stamped (remember - it is FREE when you are getting chemo...$15 saved this week....yee-haaa!) David and I walked around the corner and there she was - Renee - a familiar face. She is my chemo nurse - and WOW...do I really like her. I gotto pick my seat and we got started. Oh - I did find out that I will always be in pod #3 because I am part of a "study".

Renee disccussed with me the new drugs they would be giving me pre and post chemo - a little "boost" if you will to make sure I made it home without getting sick!!! She decided the best way would be to give it to me quickly - she said...it will be like getting a six-pack in your veins in a matter of 10 seconds. You won't be sick - but you will be loopy, dear. I am NOT KIDDING when I tell you while she was STILL filling my veins.....I felt like I had just had about......25 beers - the best part was there was no vomitting involved (bad memories there...you all have them). the next thing I know I am waking up and David is sitting there - I TOTALLY passed out!!!! That was a great nap!!

What a gift. In anticipation of my trip, God gave me such a special gift yesterday - the appointments went wonderfully - the people were so kind "note to self: remember to ALWAYS say Merry Christmas to the people you see - especially considering the beautiful impact it had when you said it 100 times at a jewish hospital) The gift I am referring to is NOT the flawless day (we had the great weather to contend with and absolutely HORRIBLE STL drivers....Thank God He carried us through that traffic - I thought David would go into road rage at any moment.)......now....what were those gifts???

Angela Gambino - a nurse with hardly any family - her mother, a niece and a nephew. So, she gives me a beautful pink scarf and in our conversation I learn that this wonderful nurse adopts a family during the holidays - it was everything I could do to not cry....I am so proud of her.

Renee - My chemo nurse.....This woman works countless hours every day - at least 12 - doing something she obviously loves and she is SO GOOD at it!!!! In the midst of her own life, she shares that she has a friend she is moving into her basement - because this friend is dying and comes from the worst past home life you could imagine....but Renee has opened her heart and her home - and given this woman a ray of hope for the rest of her life.....wow. When I asked for the friend's name so I could put it on a prayer list - she was touched (not by me....but by the Word of God). Her friend's name is Audrey.

The wig woman - she was sitting next to me....and I am ashamed that I never got her name (okay - not true.....I got her name. But remember - this was during the SEVERE loopyiness and I have not a clue what she said her name was) - I never even told her about me because I wanted to know about her...so glad I did. She told me she had ovarian/cervical cancer that had moved to her lungs - they got it out of her cervix...and she had been fighting this for SEVEN YEARS!!! And so you know what she said.....she thinks they won't get it this time. Well, you know me - WHOA - YES THEY WILL.(you know...when you are filled with the love of Jesus and the power only the holy spirit can provide....there are times they could MUTE you and the words will still come - it is not about you - it is about being willing to be a messenger for God) ......This is NOT the end for you - this is a tougher battle because it is in the middle.....but that is where it lies -not at the end of your life -in the middle...and you will win - all it takes is you...And I don't you know you very well - but I believe in you - you have fought this for 7 years - you are a fighter and I expect to see great things from you.....for a long, long time. I am so sorry for your pain - but I am so thankful that I could to meet you today.....

Then I fell asleep -go figure.....those freakin drugs REALLY made me loopy!!

Once again - God was faithful - I prayed in antcipation of another horrible experience and HE made it SO perfect - gave ME opportunities to say MERRY CHRISTMAS....and folks - NO ONE got mad at me for it!! Many said thank you - several repeated...all heard and acknowledged it....and I wasn't evicted from the Jewish hospital for speaking of a Christan faith!!!

God Bless - I am now off to take a cocktail and crawl back into bed....just wanted to let you know....GOd is so Good...........

Thank you God for doing what you do best - keeping your promises. thank you for bringing to me in the last few days friends who I have not been in touch with - and friends who I needed to be in touch with. Thank you for using me.....I pray for the wig lady, Audrey, Renee, and Angela and for the hearts of everyone to be touched by the spirit that comes every year - of hope, forgiveness, and love.

Anticipation

2008-12-14T20:21:00.000-08:00

It seems like forever since I updated my blog. I have decided to come at least twice each week....enough so you will know I am just...super fine....and not too much to bore you with!!

That being said....given the time of year, I have done a lot of reflecting - who doesn't? Okay...scrooges don't, I suppose, or - you know - those people I like to call the "rally-killers." They hate everything in life, so most likely do not reflect on the good things from their past (note to self: pray for those people - they really do exist)....and what have I been reflecting on??????? Christmases past, of course.

I can remember the year I got a ton of Barbie crap. First of all, I could not figure out how Santa knew to get me Barbie stuff - I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I wanted Barbie stuff - so how did he?? Oh well...it was awesome just the same. And the agony of having to go to sleep so he would finally come. The anticipation of seeing just WHAT Santa would leave for us...or rather, invade our home with. At our house, you literally could not see the floor on Christmas morning - photos you would have to see to believe.(thanks to the generosity of grandma and grandpa Smith, my dad's parents).

Anyway.....so I awoke...and since both of my parents were alive, the FIRST thing I would do is FLY up the stairs to jump on their bed and let them know that Santa had been there. Well...this particular year (so I am told) Dad had a really hard time with some of our gifts....and literally had just crawled into bed when I declared...time to get up because Santa was here!! Given what I know David would say today - I can only imagine what my daddy said to my mommy on that particular morning!! I love that story now...because I think nearly every person I know has experienced it....helping Santa only to go to bed and be awakened by the kids......my heart skips a beat just thinking of it - you see, my anticipation has changed. Now....I anticipate the look on THEIR faces Christmas morn when my children awake to see what Santa brought....and I must admit - I like this anticipation a whole lot more. It is true - there is so much more joy in giving than receiving.

Which brings me to the purpose for this blog. Tuesday is the next "C" day. (I really need to come up with a different acronym than the "c" day because I do not like that letter....it's a girl thing.) 10 days ago I can tell you without a doubt that the anticipation of this next visit made me want to hurl - literally. So, God being God....and never ever letting me down.....has brought me to a different place within the scheme of this chemo. I am actually looking forward to it - not like going to the DQ for a blizzard, mind you....more like going to the dentist for a check-up. At least when you are scheduled to go to the dentist you know the possibility exists that there won't be any cavities - thus, no pain!!!! That is how I feel about this chemo trip...the possibility exists I won't think I am dying from the nausea and sickness....so I am claiming that (and probably gonna kick some medical oncologist butt if I get sick Tuesday Night)....and so now, many of you are asking yourselves..."just what does this butt look like?" And to that I say to you - shame, shame......Dr. Michel would be blushing, I am quite certain.....(sorry...I digress...we'll have to take up the butt conversation some other day)

So, I wanted to share with you what God did for me......I prayed two weeks ago about the anticipation of this next visit.....and God did not spare me a bit of anticipation - He has granted me loads of it in other forms. I was anticipating Austin's ball games (still am), and his concert, and the girls' Christmas programs, singing, going shopping with Jill, making a DJ request to Troy on the way to the hospital (yes....David and I both live in anticipation of that - we just love him!!!) seeing Charlie over the holidays (because Charlie is the one person in my life who I can tell you - has NEVER failed to come up to me and kiss me and tell me I am gorgeous...seriously - I have been fat, ugly, and obnoxious and Charlie STILL tells me I am gorgeous....they say love is blind so I think Charlie must truly love me!!!), seeing family and friends......and Santa. God even gave me Santa.....I am so blessed and so thankful that all I can do is get on my knees.

I used to ask myself years ago.....what did I do to deserve such a good boy ?(Austin - in the days especially after his dad and I first separated)......and now I am asking God again....what did I do to deserve your grace and the peace that only You offer? And I cry...as I am now....when I am faced with the harsh reality that I have done absolutely nothing.....Jesus did it.....all I have done is believe.....I got the easy part.

Thank you, again, for loving me, and walking this journey with me. So many of you have sent cards, prayers, and words of encouragement - and I wish there was a way I could stand on top of the world and shout to everyone about the many blessings you have given me.......since I can't - I am going to stand on top of the world and shout to God and ask Him to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE bless you as you have me......and I will continue to do that!!!! Because I truly do love you.

God Bless You and May you anticipate a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

This week in kids

2008-12-10T19:29:00.000-08:00

Just thought I would post a couple of photos. This has been a busy week - the Freshmen have 5 games!!! no complaining here - I love it. Bella danced at the Varsity game last Saturday. Gracie did Gingerbread Houses....and Austin - well...he is playing ball.....

Late Night Antics

2008-12-09T13:09:00.001-08:00

Okay - so, I need to sit back for a minute and say THANK YOU, GOD, for showing me the benefits of chemo. Because, seriously, those "bennies" were lacking at best over the past week...until last night,.

Ladies - you will love this. Men - the cat is out of the bag. No longer can you ever tell your wife that...you just can't handle the smell....pppeeeeeeuuwwwww.

I was home all day with Sophie yesterday - she had a virus of some sort going through her tummy. Every time she would dry-heave in the bucket, David would follow-up by making me douse myelf with the germ-x....he has become the master at it - and, by the way, if you need any don't bother going to Wal-Mart. He bought out the entire store the day after the doctor told me to stay away from germs!!!

Then there was last night.....Sophie was better....Gracie mentioned not feeling well....and we all went to bed with visions of sugarplums in our heads.....clean bodies, brushed teeth, clean jammers, and a peaceful evening............and then RALPH showed up!!!!

At 10:44 I could hear Gracie losing what appeared to be chunks of enormous size - and I have no idea where she was storing them. David looked at me and proclaimed, "You CAN NOT be around this - get out of here." For the first time - literally - in my life - I did not argue....I turned and ran as fast as I could and flew back in bed. I lie there feeling extreme guilt about the turbo-charged dad in the other room (picture this...before David could clean up the puke he put on orange dishwashing gloves, kleenexes in both nostrils and ears, and a roll of paper towles) This guy was going in for the kill!!! Did I mention I was feling some guilt? It is the holiday season...I suppose my blogs should not contain any falsehoods....

And, folks...it didn't stop there - poor guy......Gracie vomitted FOUR times throughout the night - and David graciously arose each time. And the best part (can't believe he would agree there were any bst parts) was when I heard him say, "Gracie, please, I am begging you - the next time you are going to puke, please puke in this bucket. Don't try to run to the bathroom. Please. Please listen to your daddy." Yes - he was desperate....and how can you possibly talk angrily to a 5 year-old vomitter at 3am!!!!

So - that's it. Thanks to chemo, I am puke free. The way I see it, by the time this is all over I will most likely be the ONLY person in the family who is NOT sick!!! Now, how is THAT for ironic!!

God - thank you for the Grace you give us each and every day to deal with the big...and small..things. Please send your grace right now to those who are hurting - much more than I could imagine.. Take away the pain in their hearts - and give them the peace that only You Can offer. I thank you in advance......and praise You forever.

The Next Chapter

2008-12-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

Well, I have come to the conclusion that chemo is the next chapter...yep....I want to get it into a chapter ALL BY ITSELF!!! I figure - I have the power to determine where it falls in the grand scheme of things...and I don't want it falling anywhere near the good stuff....so it is.

Chemo has been a lesson for me - albeit a funny one, believe it or not. (not TOTALLY funny) Picture this if you can. David and I enter the "pod" for our first chemo and there are 6 other patients there receiving some kind of chemotherapy. Now enters muah "foreign for 'me'" - and this is my first rodeo........so I decided to take it all in....and I did. This is what I witnessed...

A very nice, quiet lady in the bed next to mine - had already waited 3 hours for a 30 minute drip. All I could think was that I needed to take a dose of her "patience" pill. I think I would have wanted to wring someone's neck after an hour.....and she was there more than three. The lady directly across from me - 4 hour drip; the gentleman to the left of me - 4 years of cancer...92 rounds of chemo and still going....pretty good sense of humor, I might add....and then there was the classy lady who was in and out - looked like she might be late for an appt at the hairdresser (seriously - her wig was fantastic....and I am certain that in the midst of her chemo there wasn't ANYTHING stopping her regular routine...didn't know her yet - but I really liked her spunk). And so it went.

An observation I made was that NO ONE was eating - well, the occassional patient asked for pretzels or peanut butter crackers...but there wasn't ANYONE in that pod with Red Vine Licorice, peanuts, and a wrap from Applebee's...no, NO ONE but ME!!!!! I am absolutely certain they all left the pod that day and said to themselves, "New girl in pod #3...someone please send the barf bag home with her 'cause this darlin' ain't got a clue." And....uuuhhh....they would have been right.

And so it went..the meds weren't right...I am still battling the nausea, but this is SO MINOR in my opinion. I try to put this in perspective and this is the way I see it. Thirty years ago there was no such thing as a medicine for my mom to take to battle the nausea - she just did it.....and that woman NEVER complained. If you think for a second I am exaggeratting, just ask one of the more than two thousand people who attended her funeral....she was not a complainer. She was simply the most beautiful woman I have ever known......

Over the past few days I have asked myself several times - WHY in the world did I agree to a clinical trial? WHY did I get to be blessed with chemo over Christmas? Why do I have to be so darn tired? Okay - I see a terrible theme here and it is called SELF-INDULGENCE. It never worked for me before - and it isn't going to work for me now. For the clinical trial - this is my rationalization. My mom gave her life and very valuable research for cancer development......surely I can give 5 months - so that maybe a new standard can be created and even more lives saved in the future.

Christmas - I can think of NO better time than to endure this. I am humbled every morning at the beautiful reminder that many many years ago Mary gave birth to a tiny baby boy who lived - and died - for me. The pain or nausea is just a part of me right now - a small reminder that God loves me and had not forgotten me.....that......that is beautiful.

I have said it before and I will say it again - I feel guilty ever complaining (maybe that is why I reserve it for private moments with David....when he just understands I need to be a little tyrant - you know....for just a minute. Don't tell him - but I don't really feel the need to complain...just the need to hit on him for awhile!!!hehehehe). I believe it - I have learned very early that nearly every person I run into at the center for advanced medicine is worse off than me....and I pray their lives are as enriched as mine.......

I will continue to blog - and share...and thank you for taking this journey with me. All I know for sure is that the Grace of God comes to me daily through you - little graces you give me....(ie. Jill's dinner on the first day of my chemo when I could not move.....you are right, sister, I probably would not have called!!! Thanks for loving me) I have many many stories and look forward to sharing!!!!

Love, Becky

Grandma's don't mess around

2008-12-05T05:05:00.000-08:00

Go Saukee Freshmen!!!! 58-28 vs. West Central Co-Op last night!! (not these photos!)

I have already shared that when I was in the 6th grade, my mom lost her earthly battle with cancer, but won the war of many hearts....and went home to be with Jesus on September 11, 1979. For many moons after that there were discussions about whether or not mommy could "see me." And the conclusion at that time was that no - she could not. Because I would have painful times in my life and that might make my mommy sad......so that is how it went for me - my mommy, daddy, and Rusty were in Heaven...and they haven't been able to see the sorrow of our lives.

Now this next revelation may come as a shock to some of you - but I am going to go out on a limb and say I think ....that is hogwash. You can disagree - but I have proof. Last night, I named my grandma as my inspiration......the matriarch who held our family together after many had passed. This phenomenal woman predicted the exact timing of the birth of my first daugher - proudly proclaiming at that Thanskgiving dinner that we were going to have a baby that night. (Side note - I had asked her how in the world she knew that...she said it had everything to do with my trips to the bathroom!!!! Wow - that's insight, to say the least.)

Okay - enough of that. So....as I was praying last night I talked to my grandma, too. YES I DID.......and this morning is the BEST day I have had in a very long time - I am not nauseous, nor tired, nor do my breasts (or the area F/K/A my breasts) hurt. I got on my knees and thanked God for allowing grandma to look over me. She is my angel....and, I suspect, there are many others up there - they are not sad...they are looking over me and making sure I never, ever walk this alone. How else can God be everywhere at once? He is the master of design.....and I so love the way He has designed my life. And now, there is no greater feeling than to know I not only have family and friends here looking over me (thank you thank you thank you for your prayers).....but I have the best of all - grandma's brood!!!

Thank you, God, for the gift of your grace, for not forgetting me, and for letting me have this perfect morning. I am forever humbled by you.

Grandma - my inspiration

2008-12-04T18:59:00.000-08:00

This is Grandma Crews - the matriarch of our family. Wow do I miss her!!! Grandma went home to be with the Lord - and Grandpa and mom, dad, and Rusty, in August, 2006....but not before she left us with some very valuable lessons!!! Unfortunately, there is not enough space in the internet universe for me to put it all down - but I decided to focus on something that would bring me a great peace - and it is grandma...so I thought I would share a bit of her with you.

Here she is with Bella and Sophie. In October, 2005, grandma came to our house and spent the night and we went on the fall color drive. EVERY where we went grandma would say, "my, oh my, there are a lot of people out there...." Which was my clue to keep driving - and we drove all over Pike County. That was truly awesome!!!

Grandma was sick then, but we didn't know it - she had cancer. She lived the last months of her life with more grace than most of us could ever hope to have in a lifetime.....thank you, grandma, for teaching us about loving others and giving of yourself.....and especially how to tell our man to keep his fingers out of the food!!! You were and are the best!!

Chemo- Day 2

2008-12-04T06:49:00.000-08:00

Just a little update. I feel compelled to say that after 8 hours in a fetal position due to the nausea caused by the lack of meds - or incorrect meds - or whatever the freakin problem is - ......I would not wish cancer or chemo on my worst enemy. Not that I have any enemies.....but if I did - I would not send them here.

I have good news. I found out that the last name of my medical oncologist's nurse is Gambino - seriously - her name is Gambino. Angela Gambino. She actually told David that she was sure the doctor would see me 2 hours late for my appt on Tuesday because she called down and told them if they didn't.....well, she had ties to the mafia and would be sure to take care of them. Never thought I would be so happy to have ties to the mafia!!! Yikes - I will forget this later - you know, a side effect of the chemo. They said it would cause memory loss....and I am losing something.

Thanks for your prayers. I KNOW everyone has told me that now-a-days......no one gets sick from chemo. I am sure that day is coming for me.....please pray that it is TODAY!!!!!!

Thanks a million - how is that for a specific request? Listen - I just know how fast God works....and He hears your calls with mine. So - let's band together for this one.....because I can honestly tell you it is the lowest feeling I have had throughout this ordeal. Maybe an overstatement, but you get my point.

I love you alll........and even at my lowest point.....it is a good day.

First Day of Chemo

2008-12-03T04:10:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure what is going to come out of my mouth in this blog.....but I wanted to share with you my "First".

First of all, the day started out well for us - the kids got to school....and I need to say...that I thank God daily for friends and family. Today it was Frank and JoGari. Which - our girls loved that.....they love both of them. Apparently today they loved Frank more - something about JoGari picking up Sophie and Sophie told her that she didn't like her....kids can be so cruel. Let me add - last week, JoGari was the second coming for Sophie - I think the youngest one (she is 3) just likes to be.....confrontational. Anything to get the party started with that kid.

So - David and I were off to Siteman. We were in town when I realized I forgot the parking pass that would only cost us $1 to park. This distressed me greatly since I knew the last time we were there it cose $17.50 for the day to park. Since I had the pass - it cost us $1!!!!! Oh well....we decided that since we have only 5 of those passes left and a minimum of 16 more trips......we would not go back.

The schedule for this glorious day was to get blood drawn at 9:45, meet with my medical oncologist at 10:20 and chemo to begin at 11:30. I was also looking forward to spending the day with Beth and her dad. I was looking for her - starting at 9:10 when David and I were in the waiting room.....when I came out of the blood draw and David indicated she had not arrived, I had a moment of silence. And not five minutes later I received a txt message from Beth that her dad had passed earlier that morning, Tuesday, December 2nd. Please know that your continued prayers for the family of Jim Beard are so appreciated......I didn't really know "Beardie's dad" that well.....but I know he was a fighter. This man survived a brutal cancer for 19 months. And in the midst of the battle, he taught others around him to love, to believe, and to hope. What a beautiful legacy he has left for his family.....in his family....Jim is now in Heaven rejoicing with his friends and family - and I have no doubt that my mom was in the front of the line to tell him THANK YOU, Jim.....for giving people hope - for showing my daughter how to fight......I am sure she followed that with, "I love you, Jim - welcome to Heaven." AND....in the background my daddy echoed, "Okay, Jim....time to party!! Somebody put on the Elvis."

I very much appreciate that each of my chemo appointments will start with the blood draw and then I will have the opportunity to meet with my doctor for an hour......isn't that incredible??? (Should be.....the rate for a consult is $370....regardless if I am in there 5 minutes or 50...so I take full advantage.) I had a million questions.....you know - the obvious. My list included the following, very important...gotta know this...questions

Since I know my hair will be falling out.....I was wondering if ALL of my hair will fall out. Dr. replied, "well, you may not lose all of your eyebrows." What about my eyelashes?.....he replied, "I don't know the answer to that one....I have never asked any of my patients." (yikes...note to self - tell Dr. Michel if I lose my eyebrows). Finally.....I asked him about hair in the lower extremities. He indicated I might not have to shave my legs....YIPPEEE...some good news, I thought!!! I could tell he was not used to the hair question venturiing beyond the head.....so I decided not to probe further.

Exercise - can not lift anything more than 10 pounds. I wanted more info on this - since I enjoy lifting as a part of my "former" exercise routine. So I asked for how long....and his repsonse was a word I was always told to NEVER use. He indicated, "Forever." Okay - not the response I was wanting....and he did tell me I should talk to Dr. Margenthaler....and he was specifically talking about the arm which they took the sentinel node from (so only the left arm)
Sick and fatigue - what can I expect? Fatigue....inevitable, probably. Sick - if I am....just let them know and they will adjust the meds. Great - all doable.
FYI - we discussed the meds I will be on and the effect of the White Blood cell counts, red blood cell counts, platelets, etc. I just don't want to bore you with those details right now - I am quite certain over the next 5 months there will be time for that...

So we were on to chemo. I signed in and lo and behold the first thing David and I got was a "tour." The gal showed us where to sign in - and to be SURE to get the parking ticket stamped because when you get chemo...parking is FREE (they find a way to get us benefits for everything.) She also pointed out the 3 bathrooms, the 4 pods of patients, and the fact that they provide snacks (chocolate chip cookies, pretzels, and peanut butter crackers.)

After the fabulous 30 second walking tour, they showed me to my "chair" (that has a somewhat frightening ring to it)....but the chair had such an inviting look. As you can see from the photo I had my own TV, armrests, and could even recline a little - although the gal across the way had a REAL recliner (she was also there for a 4 hour-drip......oh my I know now what that means...more later.) The gals had me all hooked up and the nurse walked over to me to inform me that they had absolutely everything on the order they needed EXCEPT (the dreaded word) the first page with the doctors signature. She indicated that they had faxed it over for the doctor to sign and he should be faxing it back. I looked at her in utter DISBELIEF and exclaimed, "You ARE aware, nurse, that the doctor you are referrng to is located exactly 20 seconds away from this very office.....would it not be easier to walk it over?" WWWell - that is just not the way they do things. So, I informed her that if the order was not back in 15 minutes I would walk it over myself.......sometimes they are just WAY TOO organized for their own good. I was a bit freaked out because the lady next to me had been lying there for more than 3 HOURS waiting for a 30-minute drip.....

Chemo started at 12:15 and ended at 3:30....not too bad for the first day. I actually felt great. We went downstairs to see Dr. Brant and he put 2 ounces of fluid in each of my tissue expanders (all of 60 seconds to complete) and David and I were off....to the first floor for some freebies.

Yeah - this place is fantastic. I recieved a turban and a fantastic hat, a nutrition book and met a great lady...Eileen was her name - a nurse and breast cancer survivor herself.....maybe more later on her, too.

We were FINALLY pulling out at 4:50pm. I was feeling really good - it had been a great day and I thought I should recap what I had learned....because it was a LOT!!! I would summarize it as follows:

Drink 100 ounces of water each day
Do not each candies or drinks with sugar
eat 6 small meals each day
Bathe daily - stay clean and free from bacteria
Avoid large crowds (I mentioned basketballl.....I can go - just don't sit by anyone....can you imagine - people will think I have the plague...no, actually, they will probably think I am stuck-up!!)
Do not come in close contact with anyone who has had a cold, fever, or the flu within the last two weeks (I have 4 kids - are they kidding??)
Do not lift arms above head - AT ALL - until after implant surgery (which is in June)
DO NOT RUN EVER.........until after implant surgery - I can walk as long as I do not move my arms (I am really struggling with this one)
Do not life anything over 5 pounds (different doctor
Possible memory loss (I will have to use this one!!!)

And we were off...as I said earlier...and it had been a long day....and David did not make it to Interstate 70 before I thought I was going to hurl. And I got a severe case of dry-mouth. And I couldn't keep my eyes open. I thought something foreign had invaded my body and taken over - and then I realized it had....it is called chemo.....Adriamycin, Cyclophosphamide, and Anastin to be exact.....along with what was SUPPOSED TO BE a medicine to keep me from getting mauteous for the first 24-72 hours. That freakin nateau stuff didn't last me 5 hours, let alone 24 (note to self....tell them I weigh 150 pounds....not 15.0 pounds!!!!)

When we got to Mary's I was so happy to see the girls - I knew Austin was at basketball and I would not get to see him. We loaded up the car - after Bella indicated she did not feel well......let me describe to you the 7 minute car ride to our house. For the first few minutes Bella just kept saying she did not feel well and she wanted her mommy.....keep in mind the LAST thing I was told was to stay away from sick people - the first thing I see when I get home is a sick child and all I wanted to do was hold her.........about 3 minutes into the ride, Bella vomitted (into the bag grandma had sent, thank god!!!!!) and she started screaming the following, "I WANT MY MOMMY. MOMMY. MOMMY. MOMMY." Simultaneously Sophie screamed, "Bella pooked. Bella is pooking. Bella is pooking." And Gracie, "Daddy - I am going to puke. Bella is going to make me sick. For Heavens Sake, Bella stop puking and stop screaming."

David was speechless and I was trying to calm Bella from the front of the vehicle - David was telling me to get out of the car and to not go near her....and I started to bawl. I wasn't doing it loudly as I did not want the kids to see or hear....but as a mother I can tell you my sickness was - and is- secondary to the needs of my kids....and then David is grabbing me and saying - "do NOT go near her Becky....I do not want you to get sick. PLEASE listen to me."

So we all went into the house - and David took care of everything. Then Austin came home....By this time, I am so sick I can't stand up. I was in the fetal position in the bathroom and heard him coming. So, I got up and went to the bed to lay. He stayed there and talked for 15 minutes - and I just kept praying God would allow me to not get sick in front of him.....and God did real good!!!!! I can not begin to tell you how thankful I was for that - I CHERISH those moments at the end of the day when my kids share with me....particularly Austin at this age - he has a girlfriend, and is very active. And I love that he shares - I will NOT miss this part of his life. Not even for one day.

The next few hours will remain nameless. There are certain things I can do and say - that I will only do and say around David. I can tell you, however, without a doubt, God came down from Heaven and touched me - literally - through my husband last night as I lay on the bathroom floor and he rubbed my back. Thank you, God, for that moment......all of them

I want to back-up......thank you for the calls last night. Unfortunately, given all that was happening - my cell phone, David's cell phone and the home phone weren't answered for quite some time....but I know you called and I just want to say thank you.....I love you very, very much.

On a lighter note, David is on the way to the pharmacy this morning to pick up four more medications that should make me stop feeling like I could hurl at any moment...and another to increase my white blood cell count. YIPPPEE!!!! All is well in the end. I just thank God that HE is forever faithful. How could anyone do this alone??????????????????

p.s. Good news. At the end of my talk with Austin I asked him if he was happy about basketball....and he replied, "Oh, yeah....well, maybe with the exception of 6am practices." YES!!!!

Bitter....not sweet

2008-11-30T16:15:00.000-08:00

About once a week David and I like to frequent the new Mexican establishment in town. We are quite familiar with directions on how to arrive there - as this new restaurant resides where our old one used to ( key word - USED to....Hallelujah!!!!) Anyway, it has become quite commonplace for David to order tea - unsweetened tea - but the silly little guy seems to always get it wrong, and he brings David the stuff that tastes like syrup....and since I prefer my tea to be bitter, not sweet....I don't offer to change - and David is so nice that he doesn't ask them to bring a new glass. He doesn't want to be wasteful.

And so it is - I prefer bitter....not sweet. But ONLY when talking about my tea. If we were discussing, say, a relationship - well, of course I would want it sweet.....who would want a bitter relationship?

I digress for one moment. I am (searching for the right words at the moment)....perplexed....yes - let's say that I am perplexed. So I am blogging - and I promise that by the end of this it will all come together. If not - then blame Mrs. Hayes for not doing a better job of teaching me how to get my explanatory paragraphs in the right place.......or was it Mrs. Carriger (nope...she was algebra).....Mrs. Clinton( not her, either....unless I am writing this blog in Spanish) Mrs. Charlesworth - no way was it her......even if it was I would never admit it!!! Okay - then we will blame KB.....he is like Mikey - he'll do anything....although he was drama. Oh well, forget it. Blame ME!!!! (do I need disclaimers to name people in my blog????)

I know that there are many family members and friends who read this daily and they pray for me - and they call me - and they lift my spirits............take Angela, for example. This is the cousin who took precious time out of her day recently to send me an email and let me know that I did NOT look chunky in the wedding photos - flat chested, prehaps, but NOT chunky. (I haven't heard that one before....bitter?) She is also the cousin I called from the parking lot of the bank on the day I was preparing to give my notice. As I sat there, I called Angela - my cousin who I knew would make me feel better about leaving the bank after 7 years at the age of 40 to stay at home with my children. I mean - who better for me to ask than a woman with four children who gave up full time work to stay at home with her kids - right? She listened to me speak for several minutes and then answered, "Are you kidding? I am definately NOT the person you want to talk to about leaving your job to stay home with your kids." (bitter....) After I picked my stomach up off the floorboard, she laughed, we cried - and she held me through the phone... (sweeet........) THAT is what family and friends do for each other.

THAT is what Christians do for people they don't even know - via the wonderful world of prayer chains, and simply listening to the voice of God. I am screaming right now - THANK YOU for heeding the call of God. Regardless of your station in life or where you are praying from.....

I grew up in the Chapin Christian Church. This is a tiny church in a town of 500 people where we had special music - nearly every week....potlucks after the service that EVERYONE attended.....Jr. CHi-Rho (5th and 6th grade), Sr. CHi-RHo (7th and 8th grade), and CYF (high school) that kids could not wait to be old enough to belong to.... women's groups, men's groups......Christmas bazaars, fish fries, church picnics, church programs, bible school.....I could go on and on - but in our little town of Chapin - this church was a family. It was a part of my family until I left after high school.....and whenever anyone was in need, the family came together. As with any "family" there are those who are memorable.....and one of my most memorable was Pastor Bob. Pastor Bob was a military chaplain many years ago. While in the military an American soldier raped, beat, and murdered his 16 year old daughter......and Pastor Bob counseled that soldier......now what does THAT tell you about him? Believe me - I am quite certain several of you just fell off your chair. This is the same man that was leading our church family when my father died and when my brother died 7 months later. I can tell you one thing for sure - Pastor Bob was one of the first people at my side.....and I will never forget his words of loving encouragement that only could have come from the mouth of a man of God. A man who loved me because I was a child of God. I am so thankful for that memory. He became - and still is - my benchmark for a pastor.

And now.....well, now I am going to say what to me seems unthinkable.....but I have struggled to figure out how it is that my church family has opened their arms and embraced me in a loving way - and I have never heard one word from the mouth of my pastor. I was diagnosed on September 26th. Today is November 30th. Two months have passed and I have yet to hear one word from my pastor. I KNOW THIS IS NOT NORMAL..............THIS IS WHAT PASTOR'S DO. Seriously - I mean, aren't they supposed to reach out to us.....ask to pray with us.....or, am I as the one in need supposed to reach out to him? If these words strike a bad chord with you - I don't know what to say. But let me tell you this - what I have learned over the course of the last two months......is that the best "pastor" is not the one wearing the robe.....but the one (or, in this case, the hundreds) that are praying and listening. You know what's funny???? Okay - maybe not funny, but peculiar? Okay - that's not right, either. You know what is telling? YES - that's the word - telling..........guess who I called the day after I was diagnosed? I called the pastor of my heart. A friend who is a man of God and loves all of God's children. A friend who I knew would pray for me. He knows who he is - he used to drive to Champaign, Illinois, to have communion with me when I was a struggling student, a wife in distress, and a wary Christian. Thank God I called him - it's the only pastoring I've had.

Let me clarify....the only talk with a pastor I have had. I have had a TON of pastoring!!! Whether you know it or not, if you love God and you open your heart - He will use you. I know this - because He used you to help me.......Thank you.....I love you!!!!

Listen......I am not bitter - I am thankful. I refuse to lay down and let the absence of the earthly man wearing the cloth keep me from the Man Who died on the Cross.

A moment of reflection

2008-11-26T14:53:00.000-08:00

Dear friends, family, and loved ones....

I am asking for a very specific prayer. On Tuesday, my first day of chemo, I just learned that I will be having my blood drawn and taking chemo at nearly the IDENTICAL time as the father of a dear friend from high school. (both of us at the Siteman Cancer Center) His name is Jim Beard - his daughter Beth has become a very close friend of mine....a "circle of four" I will say. Four of us who email nearly every day - about life, family, and other issues. (I love you Beth, Kim, and Diana!!)

Jim has been a cancer survivor for 19 months (because he became a survivor from the first day he was diagnosed.) His battle and Beth's experience has taught me countless lessons about hope, loyalty, humor, and never giving up. While his diagnosis may not be what we want to hear, his spirits are high and we all know that God is in control. All I ask - is that I be who God needs me to be for Beth and Jim on Tuesday. If there are words I can speak....let me speak them. Let me let go and let God for them.......And pray for Jim and his family.

Family Heirlooms

2008-11-26T14:36:00.000-08:00

I am a very fortunate person (to say the least). I was raised in a Christian home...with loving parents who taught me the value of family. I wouldn't trade my station in life for anything....well, except maybe more precious time with those who are no longer here.....

I have probably shared with you - individually - about some of the struggles I have had emotionally dealing with cancer. As always, the cancer is the easy part....the hard part is realizing how it is effecting others......and, most humbly, how it must have effected those in my life who had cancer before...

David and I were travelling back to Pittsfield one day after a trip to Siteman, and thus the conversation began. I am not really sure what started it all....but I began to talk about my dad. Now, my dad never had cancer, but he had to watch his beautiful bride be eaten away by it - and while I often think of my mom having cancer, I hadn't really thought about what my dad must have gone through....until I had the opportunity to watch David. On this particular day, I was telling David how thankful I was to have him in my life to share this...well....cancer. Not something you want to "share" with someone.....but man how thankful I am he is in it with me. As we were talking, I lost it.....I told him I was thankful that he and I would NEVER feel what my parents felt - knowing mom would die.....and to have to live through that. I can't desribe it, but to say I am so humbled....it brings me back to earth. I was going on and on about my thanksgiving - and David was silently standing by and listening. He gently grabbed my hand and blurted, "aren't you ready for lunch?" Yikes - I started laughing!!! It was a good breaker....

But what does all this have to do with family? Back to my dad......this past weekend I had the great surprise of having two of my cousins and a friend come to our house for The first shotgun weekend.....I knew Brent was coming...and then there popped up Jeremy!!! I was thrilled. I can not describe in words for you how exciting it was to see them. Later that night David commented that I seemed very happy about them coming....and he couldn't put his finger on it. I thought it interesting that he noticed.....men just don't notice that stuff. I mean - I can come home with orange hair and a nose piercing....and David wouldn't notice (a guy thing??)

Anyway......every time I am around someone from our Tennessee family....they talk about my dad - they say something about my daddy....and it always makes my heart skip a beat....and later, it will make me cry. And I knew that Brent would bring me that joy. And, folks, let me share what I didn't share earlier about that AWFUL Friday with 7B..... later that night, when the guys came in from hunting....Brent started talking about my daddy......and all I can say is - for every woman out there who knows the feeling of having your daddy hold you and comfort you....I had that feeling at that moment...and for an evening, cancer was no longer there.

Family - I am so thankful. That word is so much bigger than blood...it is a community of friends, christians, loved ones and kin.....and they are all gifts from God. Just like you. Have a Happy Thanksgiving. My prayer tonight is that God shows you the blessings He has given in your family and you are able to embrace them. I pray I will do the same.

Chemo to begin

2008-11-24T09:27:00.000-08:00

I just received a call from Dr. Michel's nurse (Dr. Michel is my medical oncologist - he is responsible for my chemo treatments...but is NOT the attending physician on the clinical trial). I start next Tuesday, December 2nd.

9:45 Draw Blood
10:20 Meet with Dr. Michel
11:30 Chemo starts
2:15 Meet with Dr. Brandt

Okay - I know what you are all thinking. I said I was not going to do multiple things in one visit any more....welllllllllll I just couldn't help myself - Dr. Brandt is actually on the main campus that day and I can meet him right there....so I decided to go ahead and do it. PLEASE pray that they do not get behind and I miss this appointment - I think I would bury my head in a pile of cow manure if that happens....Lord knows it would feel better than missing his appt again.

And in case you are wondering - the nurse said my hair would start to fall out 3-6 weeks after the first treatment....I was hoping for 3-6 days. I am ready to start saving money on toiletries (shampoo, conditioner, root lifter, biosilk, shine and sheen, chi, and hair spray) and electricity (blow dryer, curling iron, flat iron), haircuts, hair colors, and all that other stuff that goes with hair. I think 6 months of chemo and I will be able to save enough money for our summer vacation with what I will save on my "hair treatments."

December 2nd - I can't wait!!!! This is so nice - they decided to give me Thanksgiving week "off."

A lesson learned.......about reaching out

2008-11-24T09:03:00.000-08:00

So I went to bed last night and woke up this morning feeling very guilty about the unkind words I spoke about the girl in 7B. I should not have made those comments about her enlarged bottom. Having cancer is NO excuse for being condescending - and I apologize.......however.....

That girl - who I will refer to as "7B" deals with many patients every day - and every single cotton pickin one of them has cancer. She doesn't know who is terminal and who isn't - she had NO IDEA that I am not dying....but she did see the tears in my eyes and the utter frustration I was feeling. And all she could do was heave a sigh of relief (my assumption) when I walked away - because I represented additional work...and she had no desire to do any work which would require her moving off that chair. And that, my friends, is more painful than the cancer could ever be. I was a number to her....nothing more, although perhaps less.

She taught me a lesson......and I will never forget the helplessness I felt - all I wanted was for someone - ANYONE to reach out to me and make me feel better about what I was experiencing at that moment - and I am not talking about the cancer....I am talking about the "out of control" feeling that comes when you have no idea where you are supposed to be - and the only thing that can make you feel better....is finding out where that is. My situation is not life or death - but on Friday, I felt like it was.

I have said before that God did not give me cancer, but He has taken this affliction and is making me a better person. I will never again - and I mean NEVER again.....knowingly walk away from someone who is hurting and in need. I may only be able to offer a prayer, or a hug, or a smile....but I won't walk away - and I want to say thank you for not walking away from me.....for not judging me as I became......unkind....this will take some serious reflection for me - a lesson God is teaching me about truly giving yourself to others. I am ready.

I'm Watching You

2008-11-23T18:11:00.001-08:00

David and I have a new game that we play (seriously - I know what you are thinking and you need to get your head out of the gutter....this is cancer we're talking about). We do - and ladies, I want to apologize in advance. I can tell you, without a doubt, I do not know of ONE woman in my life - married or otherwise, who would play this game with her husband. All I ask for is one "get out of jail free" card.....it is just the cancer thing....I promise.

We look at boobs. We look at all boobs. It is completely innocent, you see - we are simply trying to figure out what would be best for me. It all started after a little confrontation the other evening. I was sitting on the chair and I was having an "out of body experience" regarding my breasts. I told David that my boobs hurt....He responded, "that's because you don't have any." HAHAHA I totally did not think that was funny - but we laughed and so the conversation began.

We needed boob research, and in an effort to get some good boob research in while we were visiting the doctor, I decided to watch boobs for ONE HOUR. David and I agreed - this would be interesting. Actually, he rolled his eyes ( I think it was his attempt to try and convince me that he is only agreeing to this game because I am in need.....what kind of fool does he think I am?) Let me just say that I think boob watching is vastly overrated. Ladies, I watched for one hour as agreed.......and I was completely exhausted. I don't understand - men watch boobs all day long EVERY day. We know they do. And I have a question for men - I want to know how they ever get anything else accomplished. I think we have a serious problem here. Can you imagine how much more productive our society would be if it was ILLEGAL for a man to be caught looking at a woman's boobs. You are all thinking the same thing I am right now...."if you want to get something done right, you put a woman in charge." Am I right? Yeah - you know I am - we all say it.....and now I know why. Because men are too busy lookinig at something else.....please, tell me if I am wrong.

Ladies - I challenge you. Do it for ten minutes and you will see what I mean - there are many different types of boobs out there and I have an entire page in my calendar describing each type as well as the pros and cons. Boobs are a good thing. I do not mean to belittle them in any way - but looking at them every day? Let me just say - you are safe. I am no longer looking at boobs....way too exhausting for me. But I really did do that.....I hope you don't think less of me - it was just an experiment.

No way is this endorsed by God - since He is a woman. I think I am on to something here.

Confessions of a blogger

2008-11-23T16:45:00.000-08:00

Cancer Sucks. Okay - I'm sorry....I know I'm not supposed to say that.....but there are days (albeit very few) that I think this cancer thing really sucks.....and Friday was one of those days. My cousins from Tennessee had shown up Thursday Night to hunt - and I was so excited to have their company...then Friday came and it wiped me out so I didn't get to visit as much as I wanted to that night - that REALLY made me mad...... I just want to talk right now......and release some of this.......pent-up frustration.

As I reported earlier, Friday was a "doctor appointment day". In my attempt to be frugal and save money, I had asked the coordinating nurse to try and get all of my pre-chemo stuff in on the same day as my reconstructive visit...and she did. She actually called me at 1:00 last Wednesday to say she was putting the itenerary in the mail......Okay, I am not a rocket scientist (and if you are, no slam intended) but I could figure out pretty quickly that her letter in St Louis was not going to reach the sticks of Pittsfield before I left at 6am Friday....all I wanted to do was say, "DUH."...but I didn't. I ALWAYS remind myself that this is definately no situation in which I want to be a hard-nosed customer. Some of these people stick needles into my body - I never want to upset them......

Moving On....I told her it would never arrive and I gave her a fax number. Once again, I am a moron - the number I gave her (unbeknownst to me at the time) was the wrong number...so I never received the itenerary. NO PROBLEM.....I told David that according to my fantastic skills at mapping out drive and arrival times, we would have 30 minutes to figure out where we were supposed to be. What I did know for sure (thanks to Paula who called at 5:30pm on Thursday to confirm) was that I needed to be at the Radiology room at 9:30 to have a port-cath inserted at 10:00...great - I could definately manage that.

We left Friday morning at 6am......and, I am happy to report that we were able to listen to our buddy Troy on WEAI until we were about 5 miles (or so) from I70....I was so stoked about that!!! he is the best DJ......and to hear the comfort of a familiar voice is very soothing.

We arrived at 8:49 on my clock in the vehicle......so I knew we had about 10 minutes to find where I was supposed to be (okay - maybe my mapping skills were a few minutes off this day) - I knew I was supposed to be somewhere at 9am......let me see if I can adequately describe for you how the next 15 minutes of my Friday went....let me just say - they were the most eventful minutes in David's life thus far. I can say, without a doubt, he spoke not a word......

8:49 - Arrive in the parking lot, drive up the "out" and park...(every trip we learn more ways to cut corners....legal and otherwise)

8:50 - walk the "bridge" and round the corner to the reception area.

8:51 - take elevator to 7th floor - I am absolutely certain Angela will be there (my medical oncologist's nurse)

8:52 - Talk to very large lady at 7B (yes - where all cancer patients must check-in...or suffer a horrible consequence) who has obviously never burned more than 10 calories in a day - because she never gets her big butt off that chair. SORRY...I know that isn't nice. I have to admit - I wasn't thinking that about her BEFORE I talked to her......it was AFTER she actually had the energy to look at her schedule and say " your name is not on the list. Your doctor is not in today." I KNOW THAT.....I want to see his nurse, I told her. "I don't know where she is" was her response - and it was quite obvious that if finding Angela for me would require getting her big butt off that chair, I was NEVER going to find her.

8:53 - take elevator to 3rd floor and talk to ladies in reception area. They don't know where I am supposed to be. One lady asked for a copy of my clinical trial - she saw some random doctors name on the list and called his office...they were clueless. I told her he was NOT my doctor....

8:54 - go to pre-registration area for my 10:00 port cath - I am thinking maybe these people can help me out

8:55 - I tell receptionist my dilemma...I am getting a bit irritated (and a little voice says to me....tread lightly - this is the receptionist for the people who will stick a needle in my blood vessel that will remain there for 6 months) That calms me down - for about 10 seconds. Long enough to have her tell me "I don't know who Angela is." FORGET IT....I said - and exited out of that joint like a firecracker.

8:56 - David, as he has been for the last 7 minutes, is carrying my jacket, my bag, my purse, my calendar, his coat, and some magazines - and he is following me like a faithful servant would...."good boy, daddy". That is exactly what Sophie would say to him at this point.

8:57- Back to receptionist - new lady - older with glasses, obviously more compassionate.....she takes my name. Given my 8:53 experience, I am not sticking around....and I order David to follow me again to the elevators to ascend to the 7th floor....I am going to break all the rules and go directly to 7A....I'll show them.

8:58 - Ask the nice lady with blonde hair....if Angela was there. She replied yes....and at that very moment Angela was walking out behind me....I swung around threw my arms up and yelled, "ANGELA!!!!!!" Seriously - everyone on the 7th floor heard me. This is a waiting area for patients receiving chemo and I have just caused at least three of them to wet themselves. No one says a word - confirmation, I am sure, that they have all had a similar experience. Or, maybe it was the horns that had slowly begun to grow out of my head......folks, I am a woman who likes to be in control - and I have just experienced the worst 9 minutes of my life. Would you believe that I was literally standing about 5 feet from where I was supposed to be at 9am? Of course you would - you guys know who I have put in control of this.

So the day began. I had blood drawn at 9am - best blood-draw of my life, thus far. NO KIDDING. This girl was good - I watched the whole thing and didn't even feel the prick. (I could totally say more on that.....but, uh, this is a PG site....and I was SO not in the mood for funny at that time.) After the blood draw I had to leave the 7th floor and go back to the 3rd floor (all in the Center for Advanced Medicine) to have an EKG and a chest x-ray. It was about 9:25.....and I know they want me at the port place at 9:30. I got there at 10:30 (Took them 65 minutes to do a 30 second chect x-ray and 10 second EKG). The Port department got me in at 11:30.....made me lay on a gurnee and wait until 12:30 and they finally started to do the port thing at about 12:45......So, while they are standing there inserting a tube into my neck to go down by my heart for administering the chemo, I indicate that I am supposed to be in nuclear medicine having my heart looked at - at NOON.....and then I am supposed to be at West County (30 minutes away by car) to see Dr. Brant at 2:00. One of the nurses kindly leaves the operating room to call both areas - they cancel my appt with Dr Brant and tell nuclear med I will be there when I get there.

I should have been relieved...I was - knowing we would be home before midnight....and I was also very, very upset. Dr. Brant was the doctor who was to release me from my driving restrictions and start me on some arm stretches......and I was told that all restrictions remained until I spoke with him....let me just say - I am driving, and I will call his office first thing tomorrow morning - I can handle the "no lifting" for another two weeks - but "no driving?"....that is plum ridiculous....

I end up leaving the hospital at 4pm.....and it ended up being a 13 hour day for David and I.....and I felt so bad for him - 13 hours sitting on those freakin hospital chairs......David looked at me on the way home and said, "That damn cancer gave me a back ache today." We looked at each other and cracked up.....he is a trooper - but no way he is going to let cancer keep him from giving me a hard time. He knows when I can take it and when I can't - if he had said that at 8:58 in the morning, I would have had the biggest meltdown he had ever experienced...Good call, daddy.....good call.

Back to the port-cath. I had PA Taylor, or Mike, Robin, and Maggie. Great team - but I want to talk about Mike. This is the guy that was putting the port in. For this particular procedure, which took about 1 hour and 15 minutes, I was awake. They used some local anesthesia to numb me up real good.....and covered my face - but I was awake.....and thought maybe I should take this opportunity to be really nice....remember - these people are INSIDE my blood vessels....I really don't want to tick them off. I asked him how many of these procedures he did....and last year alone he did 350 - YIPPEE!!! I was totally stoked to hear that.....and I complimented him, followed up with a comment about how I wasn't worried anyway because his hands were in God's hands - and I had put my life In God's control. (it was quiet for a second - but not at all in an uncomfortable way.)

I was so relieved when he responded.....we had a laugh about baldies which I will share in another post - and he simply told me to never be ashamed of this cancer. It was given to me and I had to deal with it - but I didn't have to be ashamed or try to please anyone....just be strong. Okay - I decided to listen to him. THANKS, PA Mike. I really like you!!

Needless to say, there will be no more attempts to consolidate doctor's appointments - we will simply make multiple trips. I figure it is a small price to pay....and who am I to complain? I have put God in control - so let Him be in control, and be greatful for all that He does for me......and know that whatever circumstance or issue I am dealing with , with respect to the cancer - or anything else in my life.....well......He is in control - what else is there to say?

Friday was a good day - and Monday? Monday is going to be even better. I am feeling great, looking forward to losing my hair.....and realizing that the best medicine is to surround yourself with things you love (because God knows that even I could not find humor on Friday......but I could find Him) - so, I have a photo of Nelsie and Gracie at Austin's game, mommy and Austin at Homecoming, Gracie doing her cheer, and Patti at the wedding....just a few of the things I love!!!! I love you, too!!!!!

FKA "Breasts"

2008-11-18T10:24:00.001-08:00

Thought I would give a little update....not sure I even remember everything I have written lately...so here goes.

I go back to the doctor this Friday to prepare for chemo. I will actually meet with 3 different doctors - this is by design. In order to save time and money I want to meet with my reconstructive surgeon when I have other appointments.....thus the reason for 3 doctors in one day. This Friday I will have the heart test, labs, port placement, and the first injection into my tissue expanders....what does all this mean? The heart test is to be sure my heart is healthy. Of course we know it is - but they need "medical" confirmation for it. The port is for them to draw blood and administer the chemo over the next 6 months....no needles in the arm!! I must admit that thrills me. One of my most vivid memories of my mom's experience was the bruised arm. Hers was horrible - I am sure that wouldn't happen today.....and there is no chance of it happening with a port. Finally - the injection will start to fill the expanders and give me more cleavage. Yeehaw!!

Not so sure about the cleavage thing and have been rethinking my options....although, I am happy to report I had several offers to assist in the process this past weekend. One fellow actually even gave his request for what size he would like to see - 44DD. That will never happen (I had a hard time even laughing at that - all I could think of was the extra 10 pounds that was sure to add)......AND...........I have become accustomed to taking a shower and shaving my legs without any interference.....a REAL NICE benefit of no cleavage in the area! However, at the end of the day this is a joint decision and David has indicated he would like there to be something occupying the area formerly known as "the breasts."

So with some reluctance I will drag myself to the doctor on Friday and start filling the bags...I truly can't wait to tell you all about it.......

p.s. thank you for your cards, emails, calls, thoughts, prayers, food, gifts..........they are a highlight of my days

A few more wedding photos

2008-11-17T12:14:00.001-08:00

Blessings

2008-11-17T11:35:00.000-08:00

The Wedding Party - they were a bunch of "hotties!"

Isabella below with her future father-in-law (according to her...and she will kill me for this!)

Uncle Donnie with Sophie

Buddy Holly sang "Peggy Sue" to everyone in the church right before the ceremony began...wow - what a great surprise!!

Daddy and two of his girls

Austin dancing with grandma - "stunning" was what she was - an absolute beauty.

Special appearance by Chip-'n Dale, Austin McCartney

Your next American Idol

I just loved this photo - Austin with Aunt Teresa and Uncle Ed.

While 2008 has been a challenge for us in many ways, I can guarantee you that the blessings outweigh the challenges.....and this weekend was evidence of that.

Frank and JoGari both showed up on Saturday, November 15th and were married in front of many family and friends. I am posting some of the photos. There are many more that can not be shown on my blog - but for a fee can definately be shown somewhere!!

Let me just say that this weekend was special....from singing to Chip 'n Dale's - Frank and JoGari had it all. And on a personal note - David and I would not have been able to do it without our dear friends, Patti and Joe. I don't mean to single them out - the reason I mention them is because I know we have many friends who would have done the same, and it is a humbling feeling. They literally took charge of the 3 girls for the entire weekend - dressing, getting their hair, and helping us transport. All of which would have fallen to David alone without assistance - I couldn't get myself ready, let alone 3 girls!!!

Two Steps Forward, and a kitchen sink

2008-11-12T06:50:00.000-08:00

Sunday was a killer.....and my internet was down (still is). By Monday evening I thought I was going to hurl. I had a great blog - all about constipation. Yes - it was a good one...I even referred to scripture - I needed some spiritual guidance. I opened the bible...and the first thing I read was, "This too, shall pass." (Thanks, God - what a sense of humor HE has!!)

I know that if I ever write a book about my experience, I will devote an entire chapter to constipation. If you know my family, you are really getting a kick out of that one. However, yesterday was a follow-up visit to my surgical oncologist and the first visit to my medical oncologist - and I want to share what we found out....

I think I have admitted several times that I have been a bit "cocky" about this cancer. Well, yesterday was no different - and I don't mean cocky in a bad way... I would characterize it more as being confident. We had an appointment with the medical oncologist at 11:00am and a follow-up appt with the surgical oncologist at 11:15am. Since they make the appointments, I inferred that at the first appt the doctor was going to look at me and tell me that I didn't need any treatment. So, David and I walked into Dr. Michel's office - and I mentioned to him that I was supposed to meet with Dr. Margenthaler in 15 minutes....so he walked out of his office and I heard him say to his nurse, "please call Dr. Margenthaler's office and let her know that Mrs. McCartney will be an hour late for that appt." YIKES - what does he mean I will be an hour late? How long could it possibly take him to tell me I don't need any chemo.....

I LOVE DR. MICHEL!!!!!! I think I could pass the entrance exam to get into medical school after talking to him - and I don't say this to lighten the importance of what someone must know to get into med school, but to compliment Dr. Michel on his delivery and compassion. He is the benchmark. He met with David and I for 1.5 hours...and I think if we had wanted to stay longer and ask more questions - he would have stayed......I will try to relay to you as eloquently as Dr. Michel did for David and I what we have to consider.

First of all, when deciding whether or not a patient can benefit from chemotherapy, doctor's look at three criteria. They are as follows:

1. Size of the tumor = if the tumor >1.0cm, then the patient WILL benefit from chemo
2. Lymph Nodes = if the lymph nodes are + for cancer cells, then the patient will benefit
3. Triple negative = if the patient tested negative for progestorone, estrogen and Her2, then the patient will benefit from chemo

Unfortunately for me, I got 2 out of the 3. However, the 1 that I did get - is reallllllyyyyy good!!! My lymph nodes were negative. But since I have what they refer to as "triple negative disease", hormone therapy is not an option for me - only chemotherapy.

Now, my first question was - they got all of the cancer. Dr. Margenthaler even referred to me as "cancer free." I was blessed - I had STAGE I cancer. It is curable - we found it at the best time possible....the area around the tumor was clean. No sign in the lymph nodes - all of this is good. But you know how those doctors are - always doing research and this guy really knew his stuff. I felt so at ease and comfortable with him. He indicated that without any follow-up treatment, there is a 30% chance my cancer would recur within the next two years - and it would most likely be metastatic and not curable at that point (while that sounds a little like doom and gloom....it is JUST a statistic. Listen - there is no doubt where I would fall, but I am thinking maybe I should listen to this guy). With treatment, the chances of recurrence are reduced by 1/3.

We know that since I was triple negative - which means my cancer would NOT respond to any type of hormone therapy (you may have heard of Tamoxifen - it is a very common cancer drug used for hormone therapy, or Herceptin, another hormone drug.. I could take these drugs all day long and they simply would not do anything for my cancer) the only option for me is chemotherapy. The doctor explained the standard treatment which he would recommend for me. It is pretty aggressive since I am considered high risk (the triple-negative thing again). Also - I qualify for a clinical trial. A drug was just approved last month by the FDA. There are 5000 people who will take part in the study - 30 of which come from Washington University.....one of which is ME!!!!

So, Dr. Margenthaler approved me to start chemo anytime. Her only request is that it does not start until 3 weeks after surgery - which would be next Wednesday. I plan to call Dr. Michel this morning and tell him I have chosen to do the clinical trial. My chemo treatment plan will last a minimum of 4 months - 6 months if the shots are 3 weeks apart, 4 months if they are 2 weeks apart. Dr. Michel thought I could handle every 2 weeks.

Now the questions really started coming. I heard the word "Steroid" come out of his mouth - and I have to admit, for a split second I thought to myself - I said, "self, steroids means you gain weight and get fat - okay let's just take our chances with the cancer." Then I came out of that fog and realized....hey - all this means is that I will be fat AND bald.....Now I will know how fat, bald men feel all the time. (yikes - I didn't just say that......I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So, if you are fat and bald, I apologize.)

Folks - I could write a book just on yesterday's visits alone. It was a very long day - and my head was so full I didn't sleep well last night. I am actually a little anxious to get this whole thing started. The doctor referred to the trial as "throwing the kitchen sink" at the cancer. I am all for that!!! And why is this even necessary in the first place? Well, we know the lymph nodes tested negative - which is fantastic!!! However, that is only one way cancer cells escape. The other way is via the blood system - and there is simply no way to test if any got out that way. That is why there is need for follow-up treatment.

Speaking of information - I recently found out that my niece is a carrier of the BRCA gene - which means that Robin (my sister and her mom) is, as well (Robin hasn't been tested yet - but since her daughter is a carrier, she is, as well.) What does all this mean? Well, for Nelsie - she must get annual breast exams beginning immediately!!! She is aware and thank GOD there are screening tools for breast cancer. For Robin - she will need to take a few steps, as well. First of all, she should have her ovaries removed - it will virtually eliminate her chance of getting ovarian cancer and it will actually reduce her chances of getting breast cancer. If you are reading this and you have breast cancer in your family - it is something for you to consider. Talk to your doctor to see if they think you should do the testing - and then, of course, you would need to know what you would do with the information.

As you can imagine, the breast reconstruction is secondary to the chemotherapy. The dr. will be able to fill the tissue expanders during chemo, but there will be no surgery to put the implants in until after the chemop is complete. We will also have my ovaries removed at that time. Since I have breast cancer AND test positive for the BRCA gene, there is a 40-80% chance I will get ovarian cancer - and it is not curable. There are no screens available to detect ovarian cancer and Dr. Michel indicated that women who get ovarian cancer typically do not walk away from it. SO, being the frugal one I am, I decided we will get the ovaries and the implants done at the same time - you know, to take advantage of the anesthesia. That stuff is EXPENSIVE...and I can save some money by combining the two surgeries! Anything to save a buck, right?!

Sorry for the long blog.....but thank you for your prayers. Hey - maybe the next time you see me I won't have any hair......just think of the time I will save getting ready in the morning - yeah!

God Bless you!!

Humor and the Healing process

2008-11-09T06:54:00.001-08:00

When I first read the documents from my reconstructive surgeon with the directions for "care" post-surgery, I didn't really pay THAT close attention. Why? Well, probably because I am a mother of 4, wife to 1, and someone who likes to be needed. Therefore, like every other mother out there, I knew that as soon as surgery was over I would get right back into the swing of things as soon as I (and I emphasize the word I) felt like it. (There I go again, trying to always be in control).

As you can well imagine, each visit to whatever doctor I am seeing is an opportunity for me to learn - and I ask questions. I assumed on Friday that once the tubes were out I would miraculously be able to lift my arms above my shoulders, resume my exercise routine (okay - maybe I knew I still would not be able to lift weights) and do whatever I needed to do. That thought was crushed when Carmen said, "Remember - no vaccuuming, no nothing for you." You know, I have always encouraged my children to not take everything at face value (aaaahhhh....for those of you who know Austin, it now becomes crystal clear....). It's true - don't just believe what someone says - check it out for yourself...whether it be a preacher, a politician, or a teacher. Be respectful, but don't be afraid to question. ( However, I feel as if I should explain - that rule is waived a bit at home.....MOM ALWAYS WINS is my motto. But I DO listen!) That is why I had to ask Carmen why I couldn't move my arms....

She explained the healing process to me. The tubes are out, and the tissue expanders are in. Each time I move my arm and engage any of the muscles in my chest area, it creates excess fluid. As long as there are fluids, it can not heal properly, and hence, my new ta-ta's (as Nelsie calls them) will not look as nice - and it could be painful, as well. YIKES - the word "pain" was all I needed to hear. I am already in pain, I certainly do not want to create more. Therefore, for at least 30 days I am not to engage these muscles. I challenge you - just try it for 5 minutes. Now, I feel like every tme I move I am engaging them....and my kids love it.

Last night Sophie was defying her mother and I knew she needed a swat on the butt - David was gone.....and I was really at a loss. I couldn't swat her. I thought about asking Austin to do it - but he is the big brother and I rather feared he might enjoy it a tad too much....not to mention that would be totally irresponsible of me. (and we all know I am not irresponsible.....) So I said, "Sophia Marie McCartney. Tell your sister you're sorry - or sit in time out...and I will have to spank you in 30 days. Believe me, child, I am keeping track and when the thirty days is up - I WILL deliver." The best part was the look on her face. NOTHING stops Sophie - if you tell her to go, she stops. If you say yes - she says no; if you say blue she says red. She decided to say she was sorry. I suppose the steam coming out of my ears had something to do with her response.

A few days after I was diagnosed with cancer I was talking to David about the yard sale I had planned with JoGari. I wanted to start getting the stuff out of the attic and priced - I knew it would take at least a week. He looked at me, and with as much emotion as I have ever seen he emphatically stated, "Becky, you need to get your priorities straight. I do believe there is something else you need to be focused on right now." Okay, I have to admit, even though he is the husband, he is bound to be right at least once in a while....and this was one of those times (mark it down, honey!!) - so, I became focused, but I did not and DO not want it to consume my life. I guess that is where the humor comes from.

The humor is how I know people were praying for me BEFORE any of this ever started. Why? Consider this passage - Proverbs 17:22 "A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones." I couldn't explain why I felt like I did...and do....except to say it was God - and it is. I am humbled and without words.

It seems that with each new day on this journey I learn something new - and today, of course, is no different. God Bless You......with a Merry Heart in all things.

p.s. Happy Birthday to sissy (Robin) and Teresa!!

How does anyone do it?

2008-11-08T08:54:00.000-08:00

Many people have asked how I am doing....and then followed with "How are you doing it?"

First of all - being a member of a caring community helps. I don't think anyone could ever deny the best place to be when you are in trouble - is living in a small community. No matter what may ale you, if you are in need, people come. (our government could really learn a valuable lesson if they would follow our lead) David, myself, and the kids have had the pleasure of experiencing this over the past few weeks.

In addition to the love and compassion of family and friends, I have had the great fortune to rely on something else....or rather someone else...and I have had several questions, or inquiries, regarding my "faith." So I wanted to share with you.....how I am doing it.

There is one quote in particular that I say to myself every day......every single day...Phillipians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me." Actually, I say "I can do all things through Christ Jesus Who strengthens me." Folks, it is no secret that I am a WIMP...I can not take pain and heaven knows I am not a patient person...although God has taught me a lot about both those items in the past few weeks...not physical pain, actually - but the emotional pain my family has had to endure. To me, that pain is far worse than anything I have had to go through. I have had to remind myself many times that the bible didn't say I could do "some" things.....or "the things I choose". It says I can do ALL things.....and that is how I am dealing with the cancer.

So I guess that is my answer. A small, caring, loving community of friends and family, and the Word of God.

Phillipians 4:13

Our Weird Tubular Moment

2008-11-07T15:24:00.000-08:00

Okay, I guess all it takes to stop having those "I miss my kids" moments....is 15 minutes of three girls releasing their hormones all at once. They got home last night and you would have thought that asking them to take a shower was like asking them to stop eating french fries for the rest of their lives....so glad that job falls to David right now!!

So, we got up this morning in preparation for my first follow-up appointment with the reconstructive surgeon. We arrived about 50 minutes early (I have always been habitually early....something about a husband and 4 kids has turned me into someone who isn't always ....on time...). We were called in at 12:45 for a 1:00 appointment - yippee!! What is even better is that we were back in our vehicle by 1:05 - but I gotta tell you about this experience...it was well, it was weird.

Carmen, Dr. Brant's nurse, called us back to the room. The first thing she asked for was the drainage records. Maybe I should explain. The day of my surgery, after Dr. Margenthaler was finished removing the breasts, Dr. Brant started the reconstructive process. Part of that process involved putting tissue expanders in behind the muscle of each breast. He also inserted tubes in the breasts via a hole under each armpit so the fluids would drain into small cups attached to the constrictive bra they put on me. David had to empty those cups for me and keep a record of how much fluid came out each time.....

So, after asking for the records, the next thing she says is (in a heavy mexican accent...or, well, I know it wasn't a pike county accent, that is for sure), "Vell, just so you know, de last two patients I did this to today, dare husbands passed out. So, if you-a-goinna pass out, please-a don't-a look. I can't-a be pullin her tubes and-a helping you, too."

Now, I wasn't freakin out or anything - because I don't really have any feeling in my breast. But I feared for David. So, when I asked him to close his eyes he was like, "NO WAY!! I am going to watch every minute of this". So....okay.... Carmen told me that it would not hurt, but it would feel...weird. Then she began to pull on the tube under my right arm. And it really felt weird - as if a snake was crawling out of my body. I could feel it, but it didn't hurt. She pulled that sucker out and it was more than 12 inches of tube. Of course, David says, "whoa, that is funky. How does that feel, honey? You have got to be feeling weird." NO KIDDING was what I was thinking....then she went to the left boob.....and started pulling. I never thought she would stop - that silly tube was about 18 inches long. I wanted to jump on the scales immediately and weigh myself - I was certain I had lost at least 2 pounds (isn't that soooo the kind of reaction a woman would have? Okay - maybe not all women. But you just HAD to see those tubes!!!)

So, the tubes are out and my next appt with Dr Brant is in 2 weeks when we will start putting fluid into the tissue expanders. The great part about this is that I get to choose the size of my new boobs (I can no longer call them hooters - Austin has put the old ix-nay on that phrase. He said something about that being 'just not right, mom'). David has asked that I gather women who have had this operation and he can look at samples to see what he thinks mine should look like.....yeah - he is SOOOOOOO funny.

Thanks for the prayers!!! I just don't see how anything about this process could have been any better...period. AND - the best part is that I know why.

What am I missing?

2008-11-06T11:11:00.000-08:00

I really miss my kids. I can tell you, without a doubt, the hardest part of dealing with cancer, is not getting to be with my babies. I knew the first several weeks after surgery would be a little rough around the edges.....honestly, I can take the physical pain, but I am learning that the emotional strain is a bit tougher to manage.

However, each day the pain is less and I feel better than the day before. Rest does a body wonders....tomorrow I go see Dr. Brant and he will hopefully remove the tubes and the reconstructive process will be in full gear.

And....I look forward to the time of day when the kids come home. Bella comes in every night and rubs my arm and asks me if I am okay. Sophie, quite eloquently adds, "Are she's boobies feel better?". And then there is Gracie, she runs to the bedroom to get Goomer. Goomer is the stuffed bear that David gave me when I woke up from surgery. (He was going to name it "Tumor" but thought that was totally not cool....yes, I tend to agree with that.) Anyway, Gracie gets Goomer out of her bed, and puts him in bed with me - until it is time for her to go to bed again.....and an argument begins.....Bella vs. Gracie - who gets to put their arm around the bear? Yes, I love this time of day the most. I can't wait to get back to our regular routine....where mommy rubs everybody's tummy, and sings "Jesus Loves Me" with Sophie.

And then there is Austin. He is SOOOOO like I was at that age - wanting to be involved in everything, and exploring all of his options. I am so proud of him...but as a result of his desire to get out and explore, I really do not see much of him, anyway - but he has never missed a day of kissing his mommy good-nite. I hope that never changes.

Until all is normal again, I will simply wake up each day thanking God for the advances made in breast cancer research, praising Him for the pain that is making me better, and asking Him to bless your day.

The Doctor Called

2008-11-04T17:00:00.001-08:00

Honestly, you won't be surprised by what I learned this evening....I know I wasn't. The phone rang and David had just walked in (the phone rings a lot....but when I am in bed I don't get it) and he answered it. I heard him walking towards the bedroom and telling whomever was on the line that he thought it was a telemarketer and he wouldn't wake his wife up for that. And then he laughed - so I knew he wanted me to talk to this person.

It was Dr. Margenthaler. She is the one who removed both of my breasts. She indicated that she had the pathology report and wanted to go over it with me. In a nutshell, there was no cancer in the right breast, which we had assumed. The right breast was removed because of the history in my family and the fact that I tested positive for the BRCA gene. Then she went on to say that the cancerous tumor was 1.5cm in size and was contained in the left breast - there was no sign of cancer in the lymph nodes. What was of particular interest to me was when she said the following, "Becky, this is the best possible news you could have hoped for. Based on this information we know you will not need radiation therapy. You will need to meet with the medical oncologist to determine the need for chemotherapy."

Listen - I know WHY it was the best possible report I could receive......if there was ever a doubt that prayer works, I would hope this puts it to rest!!

So, this particular news makes this day......better than others!!!!!!

A Good Day

2008-11-03T18:22:00.000-08:00

A very wise man and dear friend once told me that every day is a good day - it's just that some are better than others. Today is a good day. And I am praying that tomorrow is one of those that is better than the others.

I am NOT complaining. I consider it a good sign if I can feel the pain - it means something in there is working, right?? I find myself wishing my life away....can't wait until the next appointment, can't wait to not feel the pain....well, I really can wait. I figure this is minimal compared to what other men and women have had to endure, I know it is minimal compared to what my mom had to endure...so who am I to complain?

Thank you so much for the cards, food, prayers, assistance with our kids, and everything else. For those of you who know David, you understand that he is somewhat reserved. He is a very kind man with a generous and loving heart.....but for the most part would not be outwardly emotional. Wow has he changed!!! And I love it!!! The best part.....prayers. David and I were talking with a friend this evening and he told her that he is humbled by all of the people who have called or stopped by just to let him know they are praying. We both are, but to see how this has effected him is beautiful to me.

I recently read an article which talked about women with breast cancer. Specifically, the article stated that 80% of the women polled indicated that their life was better AFTER the cancer than before. I understand that now. I haven't been declared cancer-free yet...but I know that I am.

Today is a good day. I hope you had one, too.

A Day in the Life

2008-11-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

First of all....THANK you for your prayers. I feel them, and it is such a great feeling!!! I was released from the hospital Friday, late morning and have comfortably settled into my bed. I thought I would share with you a little of what went on since last Wednesday morning.....

David and I started the day by taking the kids to school. Let me back-up a second. Before we took the kids to school I found Austin's IPOD under the chaise in our bedroom. (We thought that was a great sign.) We took the Illinois side and had minimal traffic. picked up Robin and Nelsie at the airport and proceeded to the hospital. From the moment we arrived I felt very much at peace - I was so thankful that David would have someone there to wait with him.
I was called back at 11:30 to be prepped for surgery. After they prepped me for surgery, David, Robin, and Nelsie each got to come back and wait with me for awhile. Even though we knew I would be just fine, David became emotional. It was difficult for him to deal with something like this (btw....thanks for your prayers). But he put on a big smile and said, "see ya later. I love you."
Keep in mind, surgery was supposed to start at 1:00 and last 4 hours. Unfortunately it did not start until 2:30....so everyone had to wait on me...and I really felt bad about that....but the last thing I remember prior to the surgery...is David smiling at me when he left the prep area....

And the next thing I knew I was waking up. Let me just say it now - this cancer thing is not all it was cracked up to be. WOW is it painful, or what? I asked the nurse if they gave me any drugs. I don't remember what she said, but I kept thinking that this is a small price to pay to be cancer-free. And I wanted David...I asked them to please hurry so I could see him.....and then there he was......and I cried. I think I cried most of the night Wednesday. They were good tears, the refreshing kind that you actually want to share. David stayed in the room with me until midnight and then went to the Parkway Hotel that is connected to get a good night's rest. He couldn't hold me, but he touched my arm and hand all night....I needed that calming touch.
Because at 6am the cavalry began to appear. The first doctor I will call "McDreamy" I don't even watch Grey's anatomy....but this guy puts all others to shame. And do you know what the first thing he said to me was? "Hello, I'm dr. so-n-so, could I look at your incisions?" What am I gonna say to that? I said sure. However, I was thinking to myself - what in the world????He must know that the breasts are gone.. Oh well, I didn't think much of it until 8 more filed in (not all at the same time) and subsequently asked if they could look at the incisions. I know they were looking for signs of infection or the breast tissue dying, but it certainly took me down a notch or two.
I am doing great, I think. In my opinion the pain I am feeling is normal. I have terrible pains in the chest area - the nurse actually told me that if I was bigger it wouldn't hurt as bad, but since I work out and have some defined muscles, it is more painful. GREAT - why didn't I know this 5 months ago????? And the other great thing I am learning about is gas. Every one of those doctors asked me if I was able to get up and walk AND if I had gas. I wanted to say NO - don't they know that women don't do that.....geez, what a thing to ask a lady. I responded appropriately. Dr. Ross proceeded to tell me that during surgery your intestines "shut down". The longer you are under, the longer it takes for the intestines to kick back into gear. Needless to say, constipation is a word which has been added to my vocabulary. I am eating a bit - apples and oatmeal. I am thinking if this can't do the breakthrough, what can!!

Next Friday I have to go back to see Dr. Brandt (the reconstructive surgeon). I hope he will remove the tubes at that time. Then I will be going to see him weekly until we think the breasts are the size I want them to be. I can explain more about that later.....

In the meantime, I won't be doing much of anything - I can't read a book because my eyes cannot focus. Typing this blog has been a challenge today - but I thought I would share a little..... and say thank you....

Recovery

2008-11-01T19:15:00.000-07:00

I (Nelsie) am heading back to Baltimore tomorrow so I thought I would post one more time before I depart.

Becky came home yesterday afternoon and is getting used to her medicines and routine. The kids have been amazing with her and very respectful of her need to rest and get better. They do miss their mommy though. The good thing is that they can just go into her bedroom and give her lovins whenever they feel the urge.

Beck looks alot better after sleeping all day today and I hope within the next few days she will be up to logging into her blog and updating it herself.

Thanks again for all your prayers.

Day 2-Post Surgery

2008-10-30T12:09:00.000-07:00

This is still Nelsie typing an update for my aunt. My mom Robin and I are here today at the hospital visiting with her before we head back to Pittsfield and have fun with the kids. David will be staying with Beck again today/tonight.

Beck is doing really well. She looks a lot better than this morning and they finally gave her some good drugs that is helping to ease her pain. She has read her blog and checked some emails but then she got very tired and is now passed out.

Becky will be heading home tomorrow morning/afternoon and will be resting for several days. Thanks again for all your thoughts and prayers.

Not sure when we will update the blog again but hopefully Beck will feel up to it by early next week.

Update

2008-10-29T15:04:00.001-07:00

Go to "Becky's Surgery Update" found on the right hand pane of the blog for her surgery update. We are new to this blogging thing and just followed Beck's directions and here we are...

Tag!!

2008-10-28T10:44:00.001-07:00

I am new at this......so I picked the 6th photo in the 6th folder...or something like that...and this is what you got.

Sophie and daddy at Bella and Gracie's dance recital in May.

You Shot what?

2008-10-28T09:18:00.001-07:00

I had to show you - I had to share.....the woman who has been my best friend since Kindergarten when we were the "3 Blind Mice" with Lisa Lakamp (Musch). Karen - this is the woman who shot the last photo of me with my originals. And, she will shoot the back-ups, as well. Just thought I would share a little piece of her!!! All the way from Sacramento, California.

What is love?

2008-10-28T08:24:00.000-07:00

As a child, I was blessed to be raised in a Christian home. We went to Sunday School and church each week...and I learned, early on, that Jesus is love. He died on the cross so I could live forever - how does it get any better than that?

For the past 6 weeks I have had the opportunity to see Jesus in action. Yes, He is love.....and He has shown it to me over and over again in ways I would have never imagined - love is a woman who has 4 kids of her own, but has the time to bring me dinner on the night before my surgery, love is the countless men and women who have volunteered to take my children to/from school, dance, daycare, and all of the other places they need to be (way more volunteers than I could ever need.....), love is someone I barely know praying for me, love is someone I have NEVER met praying for me, love is family flying in from Chicago, Baltimore, and Florida to sit with my husband during the surgery, love is a life long friend (who happens to be a professional photographer) flying out for a short weekend to do a photo shoot of "before", love is quiet moments God has orchestrated just for me.....love is so many other things I have failed to mention....but I am keenly aware of all of the love Jesus has bestowed upon me. I feel as if He has been washing my feet over and over again....and I want to repay Him.....I keep thinking to myself - how can I ever repay these people for all of their kindness? And then, I am brought to my knees with the realization that YOU are Jesus to me. Jesus didn't STOP working for me and doing for me and loving me when He died on the cross - that is when He started.....

Thank you....I know you are praying for me - I just want you to know that I am praying for you, as well. There is no amount of money that could repay you for your acts of kindness, your prayers, and your love......but I will pray that God will bless you as you have blessed me.

I love you.........

Breast Cancer walk in Quincy

2008-10-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, October 25th, I had the opportunity to help raise money to fight breast cancer locally. My friend Hillary....errr I mean Jill, wanted to do this and actually gathered several other friends to participate. If they were giving prizes for the team member that travelled the farthest, we would have won for sure. Karen was here...all the way from Sacramento, California.

The 5K walk started in Washington Park in Quincy. It was very touching to see so many people come out - on a pretty chilly morning - to walk for this cause. I know there were 39 survivors or people currently fighting, and the rest were people who have been touched...I am so proud that my entire family was there....even Austin who has a social calendar I can not begin to compete with. ( he did have to miss practice.....I guess I should admit he wasn't given the option!! But he came willingly)

In my opinion, the real heroes of breast cancer are the people who care...anyone who cares. Thank you for being my hero.

Reality Check

2008-10-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

I think I can call Friday, October 24th, a turning point for me. I am absolutely BRAIN dead when it comes to reading about cancer. I read one article and I feel like I just won the "cancer" lottery....then I go on to the next web-site and wonder what in the world is going on in my body. I am frustrated, maybe a bit angry.....but I am not afraid.

Because I believe in God, I must also acknowledge that satan exists. I hate even giving him credit for existence, but I must - because Heaven knows he has been playing with me as of late. I really feel the need to share this, because I am VERY AWARE he is coming after me - what better time to try and crush my faith than now. (seriously, he has no idea who he is dealing with....I say he - because if satan was a woman, she would be WAY TOO SMART than to try and take me on...) And I believe he is trying really hard right now....because there is so much power in prayer - and he really doesn't like that.

Today....it started when I thought we had lost our helper for Frank's wedding.......for about 3 minutes I thought I was going to bawl - I walked away from David, went into Bella's room, asked God what to do, and He said......."Call Patti." I did, her family is coming, and I was beaming....but let me back up a minute.

I will admit that I have been a bit , well, let's say "cocky" when it comes to this cancer, surgery, recovery (I wish I had not just said that....I will have 15 emails from friends saying, "oh, honey, you have been cocky about a lot more than that lately!!").....but I figure, don't I have a right to be cocky? I mean, I have God on my side - and, quite frankly, I'll take that to the bank ANY DAY of the week.....then I met myself - remember? I had lunch with myself on Wednesday - and got a check of reality. First, it was so great to see that I am totally in charge (Annie just made me feel so good about the way I am handling this...) After listening and sharing and talking about experiences.......she asked me if I had been prepped for the surgery. I said, "sure." And then she gave me the low-down. The cool thing was that Annie had the EXACT same thing that I will be having on Wednesday....so she is extremely intimate with what I can expect.....and I guess I wasn't real thrilled with her description. I won't bore you with the details.....(although if I were to be graphic, the details are anything but boring)...

Back to the wedding.....I now know...after Wednesday...that I can not take care of the girls - I may not be able to take care of me, let alone them.....and THAT is what could make me cry. I won't cry about the cancer that has been a disruption and inconvenience.....but I will cry about the things it will temporarily take away from me - like my independence. (yes, once again, I can see the words flying about that little comment). My babies will want their mommy!!! Satan will find a way to break me (so he thinks). I can give you countless examples of him trying - and each time, your prayers prevailed. I know from where the power comes.....and I just needed to sit down and say "thank you" once again. I was sitting here in the office blogging and I just told God that I really didn't want to cry; I don't want to be weak....so it started to pour down rain (isn't He good - He cried for me.....so I didn't have to) and then, peaking from behind the cloud (or rather, the Rural Health Clinic) - came the beautiful sun. I prefer to spell it "Son". And He showed me that my tears would not - and will not - be a sign of weakness, but rather of my ability to allow Him to carry me. A simple reminder that for every challenge I face (even the little ones) I am not alone. That , my friends, in addition to making me feel quite humble, makes me very very happy.
Loving you........Becky

Here's Hoping for a "Speedy" Recovery!

2008-10-23T11:30:00.002-07:00

I have been trying to figure out how I could tell you about my day Tuesday. I just don't know if it is possible....but I am going to try. Tuesday morning I had pre-op testing...and WOW - thank you for your prayers. My appt was at 8am - I got there at 7:45 and there were only 2 or 3 other people in the waiting room - I thought that was a GREAT sign!

So, they whisked me away to the reception desk, signed me in, and then took me to the "back room" where I was weighed, measured, interrogated, had blood drawn, interrogated again, and released.....all before 8:45am. The good news is - I had two of the drill sergeants tell me they had a very busy day ahead and I was sure smart to come in at 8am (I didn't tell them of my hidden agenda.....retail therapy)....the only negative was I was unable to visit Jim Beard. He was on the 6th floor and the receptionist explained that I would not be able to visit until 11am.....I will see him Wednesday unless he has been released to go home (which, of course, we all hope he has gone home!!!)

So, Jill and I left to go to West County. We were there until 6:30 or 7:00 - after 9 hours of shopping I would have expected to have so much stuff in my car I couldn't see....but we didn't. It turns out that the best therapy of the day was simply being with a friend and talking!!! Oh, don't get me wrong, we had therapy - the best kind!!

So after trying on 63 pairs of shoes (this is seriously not an exaggeration), we decided to head home. Without even thinking I started west on I-70 towards 79....which really ticked me off. I wanted to go home through Jerseyville so I could stop at the DQ. We decided to take the Mid Rivers Mall exit and see if there was a DQ on the road....no DQ, but there was a DSW Shoe Warehouse - so we stopped, didn't find any shoes.....but did find out that at the mall there was a DQ (God takes care of cancer, and he takes care of a woman's frantic need for DQ....now how is that for a faithful God!!!!)

Finally, we could head home......and we did. And we were talkiing non-stop!! Jill literally planned a spring party in about 5 minutes - I have never met anyone more creative when it comes to planning a party, or planning what to wear....she takes the cake!!! We were outside of Elsberry when I noticed the car in the oncoming lane stopped and turned around....I glanced at the plates and saw it was a polic car......the rest of the conversation went something like this:

Becky: You have got to be freakin' kidding me. I am going 67 in a 60 and that fruitcake is going to pull me over. What the heck! This is ridiculous.

Jill: Don't worry, Becky, maybe he will just give you a warning.

Becky: Jill, this is Missouri - you NEVER get pulled over in Missouri and NOT get a ticket. I have been pulled over 4 times in this area and ALWAYS got a ticket

Jill: Well, do you think Frank could help you?

Becky: Are you kidding me? I will just pay for the freakin ticket. Telling Frank would be like going through a freakin act of Congress and I would have to listen to him for the rest of my life (I say this with a loving heart. Frank just cares and has asked me repeatedly to slow down. It is my mission in life to go slow for three consecutive years without having to tell him I got a ticket.......and I am two years into that process!!!!!)...I will just pay the freakin ticket. I can NOT BELIEVE THIS. Let me tell you something - i am going to let him have it. I am going to tell him just what is going on and he better let me off. (blah blah blah blah, Becky)

Officer: (of course, by the time he gets to my window I am putty and can not say a word) Mamm, I clocked you going a little fast. Can I have your drivers license, please? Where you headed from in such a hurry?

Becky: The SITEMAN CANCER CENTER. (YES!!! I got it out.....that wasn't so bad....it was the truth.....maybe about 9 hours off, but still the truth)

Officer: (Silence...I was hoping at this moment he wouldn't look in the back seat and see all of the packages from Nordstrom's. He walked back to his car with my license without saying a word.)

Jill: He didn't tell you how fast you were going. Aren't they supposed to tell you how fast you were going?

Becky: I don't know. CRAP.

Jill: (after a long silence......maybe even an uncomfortable silence) Well, You got a really awesome dress for the wedding today!

Becky: (LAUGHTER!!!!! I definately needed her humor right now. Remember Hillary from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? That is Jill....only Jill is a lot smarter than Hillary!! Jill is ALWAYS funny!!)

(we could see the officer approaching the car, so we become, once again, stoic)

Officer: Mamm, I clocked you going 68 in a 60 (WHATEVER.......I KNEW it was close to 67. Seriously, a ticket for 68 in a 60. I wanted to crush his little head between my fingers at that very moment) I would apprecaite it if you could slow down a bit when you are driving through here. I am just giving you a warning this time. Have a great day.

Becky: (feeling absolutely sick as I envisioned his crushed skull within my grasp) Umh...can I go now?

Jill: Heck yeah, pull out - get out of here before he changes his mind, girlfriend!

So, we drove in absolute hysteria for 30 miles. I couldn't get over it - I have NEVER been with ANYONE on Route 79 who got pulled over and didn't get a ticket. I immediately called David to "brag" about not getting a ticket in Elsberry. I told him that, once again, this cancer thing was really paying off. Of course, leave it to the reasonable one to bring me back to earth. He said, calmly, "The cancer thing is the reason you are on the road in the first place." Well, okay, downer....thanks for the reminder.......poor guy - I really do give him a hard time.....thank God he loves me.

Becky's Surgery Update

2008-10-23T11:30:00.001-07:00

Hello everyone. This is update #1 from the Siteman Cancer Center. This is Nelsie typing and we are here at the hospital with my mom, Teresa (David's sister), Frank (David's brother) and his fiance JoGari, Don (David's brother), and David's parents. I am not going to say that nerves have not been high today; it has been quite a stressful day. But we are starting to get some reprieve.

This is what we found out today: Becky tested positive for the BRCA gene and I think she is planning to have her ovaries out next (is that too much info?!). What this means is that her kids have a 50% chance of carrying the gene and her risk is rather high for ovarian cancer--hence the ovary extraction. The doctor also gave some advice to my mom, Robin, that she needs to be tested as my grandma Patsy (Becky and Robin's mom) had the gene.

The next piece of information that we have is that the first part of the surgery is over, which was the removal of the breast tissue. The surgeon indicated that everything went very well and that the removal appeared to be very clean. They took two lymph nodes from each side to test but the doctor does not think that the cancer spread to those given what she saw. However, she did not want to say that definitively until the test results come back from the lab within the next week (so again, more waiting!).

The plastic surgeon is in with her now and we anticipate him ending around 6:30 central time. We will update you again once we hear more and see her tonight.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers during this time. As you can tell from Beck's blogs, your prayers have helped make her stronger than she already is.

Love to all,

Becky's Family

Update #2:

Beck is out of surgery and we hope to see her within the hour. All seems to be going well.

Update #3:

We just came back from visiting Beck. She looks great but is in major pain. I feel so bad for her. Keep praying for her!

Much Love to all from St. Louis!

Test Results

2008-10-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

We finally received the final pathology report. We have been waiting on the results of the hormone receptor and Her-2 tests. The results were as follows:

Estrogen receptors: Negative

Progesterone receptors: Negative

Her-2: 0+/Negative

What does this mean? Hormone receptors are like ears on breast cells that listen to signals from hormones (God knows I have enough of these - they are called Bella, Gracie, and Sophie). These signals "turn on" growth in breast cells that have receptors. Breast cells that do not have receptors are "negative" for these hormones. Breat cancers that are either ER or PR positive, or both, tend to respond well to hormone therapy. My cancer does not have hormone receptors.

In my opinion this is neither good or bad for me - I am having a bilateral simple mastectomy so there will be no need for radiation (assuming no cancer in the lymph nodes) and there is a slight possibility there will be no need for chemo (this is what I am banking on). Hormone therapy is just one of the options a woman has IN ADDITION to chemo ro radiation, or both. All I can say is - I believe when the breasts are removed the cancer will be gone, and they will not find any cancer in the rest of my body.....therefore, mama won't be needing any drugs, anyway!

I have a great visual for you (courtesy of Annie) regarding a mastectomy. Imagine a hard-boiled egg. You cut the top off of it and suck out all of the insides.....then, you fill it back up with the other stuff. Now, how is that for understanding??

Have a superfantastic day!!!

I met myself today

2008-10-22T15:18:00.001-07:00

Have you ever ran into someone and thought...wow, that is me? I had that experience today. A dear friend of David and I, Christine, had made arrangements for me to have lunch with a dear friend of hers - a friend who is a breast cancer survivor and went through the exact same thing I am going through.....now, listen to these similarities:

She is 43 and got cancer 3 years ago (although she wasn't certain of the dates....as she put it, it is a lot like childbirth - there are certain things you block out of your memory. I reallllly like her way of thinking!!!)
She is blonde (I want to be)
She is YOUNG.....as a matter of fact, when I walked in the restaurant, my first thought was - oh, no....this gal is too young to have had breast cancer....and then I found out she is older than me (believe me, she may be older, but she certainly does not look it)
Her mother has stage IV cancer right now - and has been a survivor for 6 years....that is AWESOME!!! I know where she gets her fighting attitude - it HAS to be from her mommy!
Fighter - I felt as if I met the woman God put on earth to show me myself when it comes to fighting cancer....we both look at this as a minor disruption and major inconvenience (but an opportunity for new booties...oops, I mean boobies!!!!)

Now, there were a few other qualities about her that I thought were striking.....her humor, loyalty, and spirit of giving....all qualities I was able to assess in a 90 minute lunch. If you ever have the chance to meet Annie, don't pass it up. I know that meeting her today will be a chapter in my life - a positive influence, a woman who has survived breast cancer and told me....it is okay to not dwell on this silly thing. just deal with it and move on!!! Thanks, Annie.....God Bless you.....

p.s. There are LOTS of Annie's and Christine's in my life....thank you for helping me keep my eyes open.....

I am a survivor

2008-10-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

Next year I will be walking in the Susan G. Komen 3-day walk in San Diego. I am honored that my sister and niece will be joining me (and hopefully others!) This was taken at Adam and Kimie's wedding.

My little man

2008-10-20T15:09:00.000-07:00

I sit here, listening to the three girls make a LOT of noise. I like that...it keeps me sane. Well, that is what I am telling myself. ( Cancer is working out for the girls, too.) There have been many times I wanted to spank someone's butt, or put them in a closet for the rest of the night, and then I would think to myself....enjoy these moments, they truly are gifts. (and NO...I would NEVER put any of my kids in a closet...I just think about it.) (side note...I always said I wanted 3 boys and a girl....God blessed me with three girls and a boy...what was He thinking?? I am not worthy of this honor......can't wait to talk to Him about THIS particular decision!!)

The girls are doing great. They are pretty matter-of-fact about everything. And right now - they are much more interested in every toy that comes on the TV than they are their mom's cancer. Gracie told me just this morning that she wanted some item on the TV....I don't remember what it was. I told her she would need to tell Santa and she firmly stated that he already knew...of course he does...Santa knows everything. (what was I thinking??) I know their interest in other things is not a matter of caring, but rather a matter of understanding. I am thankful that their tender hearts can not comprehend all of this.

Then there is my little man. I am pretty sure he is doing okay....at least he seems to be doing okay. The only problem with that whole statement is that I know how Austin is.....He is all about making sure everyone else is okay - and he would not want me to think that he wasn't okay....ok?? Let me embellish for just a moment. Austin and I have a relationship that my girls and I will never have - it won't be possible because David is stuck with me for life.....Anyway, I have often shared that there was a time when Austin saved my life. (okay, maybe not literally, but he was a little piece of heaven here on earth) When his dad and I were divorcing, there were many nights I would put Austin to bed and then I would go in the living room and cry......many, many times he would come out and say, "what is the matter, mommy?" I would tell him that mommy had something in her eye. He would crawl into my lap (wearing his mickey mouse onesie jammers) and he would pat me on the back and rock back and forth telling me that everything was going to be okay. While that may be a bit difficult for you to understand or comprehend, he helped to shape my life. I hate that he was so aware of my pain but his love and understanding even them got me through that ordeal. And to this day Austin is not someone we can hide things from......and then there was that morning a few weeks ago......

I have been as open and honest with Austin as I can be about the cancer and what is happening.(although I must admit I have REALLY downplayed this whole cancer thing with him....I hope that was the right choice. I just want him to have no worries concerning me....that is no different than any other mom would do....of that, I am certain). I went to his room one morning and asked him if he would like for mommy to take him to school. Of course he would!!!! He was still a little asleep......I sat on the bed and told him that I loved him...and I was so proud of him. He reached up, grabbed me with his very strong arms, held me and told me that he loved me and I was going to be okay. (whoa, this was feeling strangely familiar to me.......) Needless to say, I became emotional.....once again, folks...tears of joy - a direct result of the words that were flowing forth from the mouth of my babe....from the mouth of my little man....my little piece of heaven on earth.

I ask, very specifically that you please continue to pray for Austin. He is such a strong young man who has a keen desire to make everyone around him happy. He is a peace maker and a fighter.....and my saving grace.

Thank you for your prayers........I love you.........

Mom, Austin, Dad, and Family

2008-10-20T14:11:00.000-07:00

Mom before her haircut, Austin and Megan at homecoming (they did not go as dates!!), mom and Austin at Adam and Kimie's wedding, dad and Austin, the "gang"

Seriously - I am SO SORRY>......I am a little clueless on this blogger thing with photos. I will get better. For now, you will have to endure my ridiculous-looking conglomerate of photos.........Isn't my little guy.....a very handsome young man?? (I had several ask to see a photo....I will try for maybe....1/day!!)

Some Miscellaneous Photos

2008-10-20T13:50:00.000-07:00

I have spent the last two hours trying to figure out how to post photos to a blog.....well, there was a bit more to it than that, but needless to say, I had to take a 30 minute break so I wouldn't blow my brains out. PLEASE, GOD...let this process become simpler!!!

Alrighty, now.....I have some photos....let's see if I can post them to this blog. Enjoy!!!

Bella and Gracie at their dance recital...Austin receiving the chorus award, Austin dancing with his then-friend, Megan. She is now his girlfriend!!. Austin and daddy at the Camp point jamboree - we were so proud of the Saukees!! The went 3-1 that day....Finally, Bella and gracie at the ball game. I still can not believe Bella went to cheer-camp......

Pre-Op Testing

2008-10-19T06:37:00.000-07:00

I know this may be hard to believe.....but sometimes I get to have a blog that actually talks about something happening with respect to this cancer....as opposed to always talking about how it is making me feel!

This Tuesday at 8am I have to be at Siteman's for my pre-op testing. Someone asked me what that means. I wish I had more "meat" with respect to this process. In essence, they take care of a lot of the stuff that normally takes place right before surgery. I have to show up, fill out a questionnaire so they can know how healthy I am (I thought that was hilarious....last time I checked....I have cancer, for heaven's sakes.....BUT...I wish they would test me again....I would not be a bit surprised to find out my body is cancer free) But seriously...do I exercise, eat right, smoke, drink, do drugs.....etc. They will take any necessary chest x-rays (before and after photos of the chest area), draw blood (must admit.....this part of cancer is already getting old.....but I am not complaining. I am just concerned that eventually there will no more blood to take. HAHA).

They told me that if I got in before 9:30 my appointment would last 1.5 - 2 hours. If I were to get in after 10 am, I should plan on the appt lasting 4 hours (WHHHHOOOOAAAAA!!!). So, I made the appointment for 8am, will spend the night before with my gal-pal Jill (GREAT NEWS. If you are sick, or using the hospital, you can get a seriously reduced rate at the Parkway Hotel which is adjacent....)....and as soon as the pre-op is over.....we are going for some serious retail therapy. Do I dare even say it??? Yes, this cancer thing is really working out for me!!!! David gave me some cash....and I already have his credit card!

For those of you who are still wondering how I will answer the questionnaire with respect to smoking, drinking, and drugs - SHAME ON YOU!!!! (hehehehehe)

And the envelope says.....

2008-10-18T14:31:00.001-07:00

When the mail arrives at the McCartney household, it is a little like waiting for the letter from Ed McMahon notifying you that you have just won $10,000,000. The kids fight to get to the mailbox....and everyone wants to bring mommy and daddy.....the mail. Bella asks, "Is there any mail for me?" And then, "me, too" and "me, too" ask the same question. (I now understand what Kathy meant when she said someday I would refer to the younger girls as 'me,too').

So the mail arrived on Friday - and I had ANOTHER letter from Siteman's. It was so exciting.....Circe (the secretary) had indicated to me that I would be receiving a special letter (her words)in the mail regarding my surgery date, etc. I was certain this letter would be filled with fabulous words and insight - about me. Since they are so good at making you feel good, I was certain this letter would be no different.......(hold your breath). I opened the letter and much to my dismay, there were no special words. As a matter of fact, it had items HIGHLIGHTED......why? My guess is that they send out thousands of these letters and I am simply no different than the thousands of others....at first, well, I was a bit miffed. I wanted to ask - what is so special about this letter? Since it is obviously a form letter that is printed and sent to ALL the patients. Nothing special about it.

That is what I thought. Then I decided, once again, it was time to reflect on what all this meant. And it dawned on me.......I should be REJOICING that I received this form letter regarding my cancer surgery. Obviously they do hundreds if not thousands of these surgeries each year......thus, they send out a form letter. All I could do in that moment of recognition is look up and thank God again for reminding me that I put Him in control....and He provided for me a top-rated cancer center, a doctor that not only specializes in breast cancer, but whose area of interest is high risk cancer patients and breast cancer in young women. NO WISE CRACKS from those of you who know I technically do not fit into her category of young women....I think her credentials read 'women less than 40'.

I know some call it coincidence, some call it luck, some call it positive energy.....each time I open the envelope to see what it says - I call it answered prayer!!!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU and May God Bless you with a form letter today!!!

A Massage...to cry for

2008-10-17T10:55:00.000-07:00

One of my most favorite, longed-for and anticipated indulgences (after monster cookies, shopping, red vines licorice, dove chocolates, cardinal spring training, Aunt Patti's potato soup, and Barb DeGroot's butter cake) is getting a MASSAGE. Every year for Christmas David always purchases for me a gift certificate for a massage (the other 51 I buy for myself...hehehehehe). But seriously, it is an indulgence that I love.

After being diagnosed on September 26th, I decided that I would treat myself to a massage every week until surgery.....(once again, another fine example of how this cancer thing is really paying off) .....my appointments have been each Friday, and today was no different.

I was lying in the massage room (after a 10 minute phone "talk" with Frank on politics which made me a few minutes late ) and decided to tell my therapist that I would like to skip next Friday and have a 90 minute massage the day before my surgery. I told her that I had been diagnosed with breast cancer......HALT.....yes - the massage came to a screeching halt. My therapist indicated that in all of her training she had always been told they were never to do massages on cancer patients. Something about making the fluids move, etc. I am not sure what all she said - I was in shock and could hardly speak. Speechless, I was speechless...well - for about 30 seconds I was speechless.

But how could I be mad at her? She was just doing what she knew was right.....She mentioned that she had the rest of the morning open - and I mentioned that I would be getting on the phone immediately to talk to my doctor. For the next two minutes I was frantic - and for the first time, I was REALLY ticked off at this cancer. Finally, satan had found a way to break me....or so he thought.....how DARE he try to take away my massage....

It took me 15 minutes....but I was able to talk to David ( to get the number to Siteman's) the secretary to my dr., the breast health center, the nurse......and Dr. Margenthaler. And, the Dr. said, "enjoy!!!" Literally, I had tears in my eyes......they may have been fabricated, but they spoke volumes about how I felt about missing my cherished massage.....So my therapist came back to the room, the massage went on as planned, and I was a very happy camper. You are probably wondering if there is a moral to this story.....I think there may be.....

Never underestimate the power of a woman feeding one of her indulgences. (ESPECIALLY when there are a lot of people praying!)

I figure it this way - it could have been worse....the check-out lady at Wal-Mart could have just told me cancer patients can't eat licorice. Heaven help her if THAT ever happens......(I'm kidding....seriously...I wouldn't hurt her....mame her, perhaps, but not for life.)

please pray for Jim Beard. He is the father of a high school friend and he is currently at Siteman's battling cancer......thank you, and God Bless your day!!!

From the mouths of babes

2008-10-16T05:15:00.000-07:00

I told you this would happen. Aren't moms always right?!! I guess on the way to town yesterday Sophie and Gracie were whispering and laughing in the back seat.......and it was about - you guessed it!!!! Poor David - he always said that his girls would be his hardest job ever....and he is certainly living it now!

I am reminded of the night I had to tell Austin I was having a biopsy. It was Saturday....and I called him into the bedroom....I spoke about my mom and how there was a history of cancer in our family and so there has always been a concern with me and Robin with regards to breast cancer....and then I shared about the mammagram and the sonogram and the spot compression...I shared it all, albeit in a VERY low tone. I wanted this to be....well.....a non-event. I say that a lot - it is what I mean!! So, after all was said I asked the question........

Me: Austin, do you have any questions?
Austin: (after a loooonnnggg, pregnant pause) Yeah - what are we doing tonight?

At that moment I knew it - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!!! He feels as if this is nothing....which is exactly the way I want him to feel!!!

Okay - back to last night. Back to ...Bella.....I wish,that for those of you who do not know her, I wish I could paint a clear picture - that you could see and feel what I do every day with her. I call her dramatic - she is - but it is what makes her...well, our Bella. At the same time, she is a loving little girl - who feels very deeply (yeah - Sophie feels deeply, too, but while Bella wants to give you a hug and say hello.....Sophie would rather kick your butt!!!!)

So last night at bedtime Bella says to me, "Mom, a teacher asked me how you were doing. I told her that you were sick." I asked her who it was and she replied, "I don't know her name." Okay - I was wondering....so I asked, "Bella, how do you know that I know her." And, her response was again classic Bella. She boasted, quite firmly, "MOM.....if she knows me, then she knows you." I wanted to say, "WHATEVER, Bella".....but knew at that moment....oops, maybe this is where Bella gets a little bit of her drama......

....and the story continues. I guess it is never over where Bella is concerned. As she was rolling over I heard the following:

Bella: I said, "My mom is fine, but she is having breast cancer." (Whoa, sort of like....she is having a tooth extraction!)

Gracie: (In her matter-of-fact tone) Oh, mom, we are praying that you don't die. (THANK YOU, GRACIE!!!!)

I share this with you to let you know....it is simply another case of humor. My kids are speaking of this so matter of factly that I have living PROOF God has softened their hearts and this is an almost non-event in their lives!!!! I have shared with you that I haven't shed any tears or had any meltdowns....Maybe I should have clarified that I have not shed any tears of sorrow.....I HAVE shed tears....and they have mostly been a result of what has poured forth from the mouths of my babes........

Have a great day - God Bless You!!!!!!!

Love, Becky

The Sweetest thing......

2008-10-15T06:17:00.000-07:00

When I was first diagnosed, David and I decided that we shouldn't tell the kids too much. As a matter of fact, my wish was that in 20 years my kids would say, "yeah - my mom had cancer...but I don't really remember anything about it." Well, several weeks ago I thought maybe I should tell Gracie and Bella SOMETHING.....so we sat down at the kitchen table and the conversation went something like this:

Me: Girls, mommy has something I would like to talk to you about

Girls: (no response - just the dear in the headlight look)

Me: Remember when I told you guys last week that I had hurt a muscle in my boob?

Gracie: yes

Bella: NO, NO....MOM, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT (please keep in mind - our Bella has a flare for the dramatic.....I have no idea where she may have inherited that from.....maybe Teresa????)

Me: Well, I am sorry, Bella....I thought I told you that. Mommy has an owie in my boob.

Girls: (no response)

Me: Ummmmm....do you guys have any questions (I just felt at the time that maybe this was not the right timing......)

Gracie: Can I have a bowl of cereal?

Then I knew it - TMI....too much information for their precious little brains, so I kept my mouth shut......until last night.

While we may have decided to liken this experience to a tooth extraction (as far as our children were concerned) we NEVER lied to them or whispered around them - and we have used the "c" word.....oh, wait a minute.....can't call it that...sorry, we used the...the....well, the forbidden word. We said cancer, and we have tried to always remain neutral when we talked about it. By that, I mean positive. I don't want it to be a forbidden or nasty word to my children like it has been for our generation. I need to add, that my husband, who has found his feminine side throughout all this, has not always remained neutral....but he has kept it within and sheltered from the kids. He gets teary-eyed, but I think that is a normal and natural reaction ( and the feminine thing....well, I just call that a great side effect!!)....okay, once again, I digress.

So, it is a ritual in our house....every night - and I mean EVERY FLIPPIN NIGHT to have the same communication with our kids (the 3 girls - I never have these issues with Austin!!!!) ........we say it is time for bed (at least 3 times) - the girls brush their teeth (after several requests) - they run around the house, get their jammies on, and come in and hide in our bed - and David says.....GIRLS....NOW!!!! Yeah - not much unlike your house, I am sure....

And....drum roll, please....I am finally to my point. Last night I got to get a glimpse of what is going on in Bella's mind.....and it had the potential of stopping me cold.....but I put it all in God's hands, because this is the part of the walk I could never do alone (okay - I could never do any of it alone.......but this one was tough for me) Bella is only 6....7 in November...but her mind is working overtime and, much like her older brother, I fear we will never be able to "talk around" her. Our conversation went something like this:

...she is cuddling to her mommy...you know, the part of the night when she jumps in the bed to hide from her dad....and out of the blue she says

Bella: Mom, do you have cancer?

Me: Yes, honey, I do.

Bella: Where is it?

Me: It is in my boob

Bella: How did it get there?

Me: I don't know, sweetie

Bella: How are you going to get it out of there:

Me: Well, mommy is going to go to the hospital and a doctor is going to take it out.

Bella: How is she going to take it out?

Me: She is going to take mommy's boobs off

Bella: WHAT....OH, MOMMY.....I am so sorry they are going to take your boobs off. (she gave me the biggest hug....and all I wanted to do was cradle HER! and all the questions flowing forth - sort of like that scene from Uncle Buck....you know the one,and right now you are chuckling...who can't chuckle at Uncle Buck?...)

Me: Bella, you just say a prayer for mommy every night and Jesus will take care of the rest, Okay?

Bella: I will say a prayer tomorrow (okay...literally, God gave me humor at that moment - because I needed it so desperately. I just laughed. That is classic Bella - "sure, mom, I will pray...but, you know, I am tired tonight...so how about if I start that praying thing tomorrow".....I still laugh when I think about it)

Bella: Mom, do you know anyone who has ever died from cancer?

Me: (WHOA....I can tell you that after that question, I had to take a very deep breath and hear "yah weh" come from my mouth....(thank you, Jill).....I needed God at this moment more than at nearly any other moment throughout this ordeal) Yes, Bella, my mommy died from cancer. (I really, really wanted to lie to her......isn't it natural for a parent to want to protect their child? Don't you think I would have been justified if I had lied?........but I couldn't)

Bella: Where did her cancer start?

Me: In her breast

Bella: Where is that?

Me: Well, in her boob

Bella: Oh, mommy, I don't want you to die from cancer (WHY is she able to reason that??? God - PLEASE help me!!!)

Me: Bella - you have nothing to worry about. Cancer is so much nicer now than it was when my mom got it (okay - so I felt like I was talking to her about a THING.... video cameras are nicer, cars are nicer, roads are nicer, bridges are nicer, garbage trucks are nicer....yikes....) The doctor is going to get it all out of me - I promise you (I know....right now you are thinking I should have NEVER promised her that....but it is what I believe - and she needs to believe it, too)

....in walks Gracie....

Bella: Mom, you need to tell Gracie

Me: uuuummmmm Gracie, mommy is going to have the cancer taken out of me

Bella: GRACIE - THEY ARE GOING TO TAKE MOM's BOOBS OFF!!!

Gracie: What - mom, they are going to take your boobs off?...Dad???DAAAADDDD??? Did you know they are going to take mom's boobs off? How are they going to take her boobs off?

for those of you who know David - you know that at that moment he was mortified.....and he said, "Gracie, please don't be repeating it....at least exactly like that." to which Gracie responded, "What? dad....I am not going to tell Mrs. Springer...I won't tell Mrs. Springer....why would I tell Mrs. Springer?" How much do you want to bet me that the first words out of her mouth are......"hey, Mrs. Springer....did you know?"

At any rate- we made it through that conversation...and not another word was said. This morning before Bella got on the bus she asked, "mom, how long are you going to have this cancer?" To which I replied - " It will be gone in two weeks, Bella....it might even be gone already - a lot of people are praying for your, mommy." And the best repsonse I have heard came forth from her mouth....she said quite simply, " SWEET!"

When is Surgery??

2008-10-14T08:52:00.000-07:00

Dear friends, family, and prayer warriors:

I just received a call from Circe....GREAT LADY, by the way - she is the secretary to the breast surgeon....and I can not wait to meet her in person and tell her how wonderful it was to hear her voice!

My surgery will be on Wednesday, October 29th at 1:00pm. I have to be there at 11:30 and the surgery will start between 1:00pm and 1:15pm. Of course, my first question was about the eating requirements.... No food or drink after midnight. Of this I can assure you - when I wake up from the anesthesia, I will want to eat a horse, or maybe a DQ snicker blizzard with peanut butter sauce......of that, there is no doubt.

Thank......ful

2008-10-13T09:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had an epiphany? Ok, if you are like me - do you even know what that word means??? I knew part of it - and since I thought I had an epiphany last night.....I looked up the definition to see what it means (confessions can be so cruel to oneself. Too many educators reading my blog...I did NOT want to appear a total goof) So - an epiphany is " an appearance or manifestation, esp of a deity" and...there are several other definitions, but that one worked for me so I will go with it.

David and I were having one of those "marital moments" last night, as I said before. Now, typically speaking I am not a mooshy-gooshy type of person...I am, however emotional. (and, a hopeless romantic) For heavens sake, I cry at Hallmark commercials (please, Frank, don't laugh - you know you do, too). And, given the current set of circumstances I have been a little more emotional - albeit very good emotions!!! (I digress...I am so sorry - do you wonder sometimes if I will ever get to the point????) So, what happened in this moment? In this moment I was made EXTREMELY aware of my cancer. (I feel as if I should preface my next statement by saying - there is NO DOUBT in my mind that at the end of the day I will be fine.......) Most of you are probably thinking....of my breasts right now....but that is NOT the cancer I am referring to. I am referring to the cancer that can invade anyone's life - the one that keeps us from getting things right. Right with our spouse, our family, our friends.....or with God. Most likely, we all have some type of cancer.

So, last night I told David - that I want to get this right. I don't want him to live even one day of his life not knowing that I think he is perfect.....he is my perfect. He is my perfect because he was a gift to me - from God......and I will never, ever see him as anything different. So, I want to get this right - I don't want there to be a cancer "poisoning" my mind about him - or anyone else, for that matter......but it happens.

So - I committed to get it right. And, just so you know - if you have a cancer that has invaded your life (keep in mind - that is what cancer is. It is cells that split and they keep splitting until they take over....sort of like a computer virus, for those of you unable to relate any other way)...and if there is one invading your life - I know of a drug that you can take. It is free, comes unconditionally, and is guaranteed to get rid of your cancer!!! If you want to know more, give me a call!!!!

I love you - I honestly do. It is a love that God has placed in my heart.....and it feels so good. For those of you who are wondering....I do NOT believe God gave me breast cancer, but I do believe that He can take this one event in my life and make me better.....and, after some long (and hard) reflection, I needed to be better.....I need to be better every day.

Hey, it's like I say every day now...in some fashion, "This cancer thing is really working out for me!!!!!"

Take care......and thanks for listening

p.s. Wednesday, October 29th at 1:00pm. My surgery is scheduled for this time. Please pray for the hands of the surgeons...we already know I am okay!!!!

p.p.s. What am I thank.....ful for? There simply is not enough time in the day for me to even begin. But I will try. I am thankful, that one of the side effects of this cancer......is that God sent me you.

Wait and See

2008-10-10T13:47:00.001-07:00

I think that one of my greatest assets is NOT my ability to "Wait and See." As a matter of fact, I think I will make it an unwritten rule in my house to never say those words again....

I......am......frustrated. Everything seems to have moved so fast the last 4 weeks - mammagrams, sonograms, spot compressions, biopsies.....breast exams....breast exams.....yeah - and doctors visits. Okay - so we went to the doctor on Tuesday and she assured me I would know in the next "2 to 3 days" when my surgery would be....and, furthermore, it would be in the next 2 to 3 weeks....more likely 3 weeks because that is the average wait time trying to coordinate her schedule with the reconstructive surgeon's (Dr Brant).

Being the patient patient that I am...I called yesterday - got a voice mail. Called today - got a voice mail. And I was so sickening sweet in my message I literally wanted to hurl all over myself - but, I figure - do you really want to be a boob (no pun intended) to the woman who is going to remove your cancer? Not today - I think I will be nice to these people.

But....being the human (woman) I am, I am using this as an excuse to eat anything I want this weekend. I am going to have monster cookies, popcorn loaded with butter at the movies tomorrow, popcorn at the game tonight, and maybe even a snicker blizzard loaded with peanut butter syrup from the DQ. Why? Because that is what women do when we are......out of our element - we fight back - the old fashioned way......oh, and perhaps a little bit of retail therapy will make me feel better as well. Yeah - that will definately help.....

Sorry - I have no new news about the surgery. Thank you so much for asking. Now - go eat a cookie......I am!!!

God Bless You!!!!

I am not strong alone

2008-10-09T08:44:00.000-07:00

I really am not a "tough gal"....at least, not on my own. Today, I left to take the kids to town...school, etc, and all I could think of was how beautiful the day is. It is October 9th and it is the most beautiful day.......I really enjoyed that drive with the girls....and as I watched Gracie and Sophie singing in the back seat (oh, yeah - they are their mother's daughters!!!), a tear fell...okay, a couple of tears fell......

We all are strong when we need to be - some of us get our strength from being with others - our children, spouse, partner, friends. I know I do. But, for me, there is a strength I need now, that can only come from one source - my Heavenly Father. And how is He reaching me? Well, through friends like you....every day - I will continue to share with you the fruits of your labors...so you will personally witness prayer at work - and working.

Please know - each time you talk to God, He hears you.......and all I can say is THANK YOU........AND.....if you don't believe in God, then pray to my God - even though you may be out of your comfort zone - I promise you He will hear you.....and I will never make fun of you!!!

My prayer is that each of you would know this feeling....of knowing you are not alone - and will NEVER be alone. No matter the want or need. I keep thinking to myself - Jesus died on a cross and ascended into Heaven.....if God can do that, then healing a little cancer doesn't even touch His radar!! Furthermore, it is humbling to think....God cares about me.....just as much as He did His own son. Whoa - now THAT is news.

I sing this song - every day. It feels like I sing it 100 times or more, but it is most likely more like...5 or 6 times. I want to share it with you......and if you want to hear it, I listen to the version by Selah. It is called "Part the Waters/I Need Thee Every Hour"...and it is so AWESOME!!!

When I feel I'm going under, part the waters, Lord
When I feel the waves around me, calm the sea
When I cry for help, oh hear me Lord, and hold out your hand
Touch my life, still the raging storm in me

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine, can peace afford
I need Thee, oh I need Thee
Every Hour I need Thee
Oh, bless me now, My Saviour,
I come to Thee..................

He brought me to you...............and I thank Him for that today. God Bless you!!!!!

What are they looking at?

2008-10-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

I guess I should have thought about this blog thing a little more carefully. I write - not only to inform my family and friends, but also....for therapy. Sometimes it just makes me feel better. I am thinking - maybe a TALL glass of wine could have provided the same great feeling....so why am I writing now?

It suddenly occurred to me today....that everyone I know - literally - everyone I know and a LOT of people I do not know.....will know about my.....(in a hushed tone) "transformation." First of all - ladies.. PLEASE DO NOT HATE ME. It is not my fault that very soon I will never have to wear a bra again. CAll it one of the "bennies" of breast cancer. Or, one of the bennies of having a bilateral mastectomy.

Yes - I know, I told everyone.....because I wrote it here last night. And EVERY person I have run into today...I SWEAR looked at my boobs. It was almost like they were thinking "I better get a last look at the real thing." And then I thought to myself - these people have NO IDEA about your blog.....but, of course, I feel like I am walking around with a lighted neon sign on top of my head that says, " LOOK AT ME. I WILL SOON NO LONGER BE.....SANDRA DEE."

So, what are they looking at? Probably nothing. Most people look at the chest first, anyway - right? I mean - how many people do you look in the eye? I look everyone in the eye....but I always do the perverbial....look up and down the body to see if there are any changes (okay - I really do not do that....but I know people that do that.....you know - the ones who notice if you wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row......and probably know if you wear the same pair of undies two days in a row!!!!)

I just want you to know, after careful thought and consideration - I am going to be VERY PROUD of my ..... breast replacements. (Is that politically correct?) When my mom had her breast removed - they gave her a freakin balloon to put in her bra. For the rest of her life she walked around with crooked boobs. I know she and my dad didn't care - but holy cow, crooked boobs???????

Hey - thanks for your prayers, cookies (which Melissa is making for me), peanut clusters (oops - don't have those yet), soup, retail therapy experiences....and well - thanks for thinking of me and my family. I truly love you - and pray EVERY DAY that God blesses you as you have blessed me...

P.S. I wrote this, David read it - and I had to edit it.....It was so much funnier before I took out all of the stuff he advised!!!! I think that I forget......while I am trying to make light of a tough situation...he is living it, too. While I may think it is funny, to him it represents fear. I need to apologize if I have made anyone feel that way. I just prefer to laugh about it....instead of cry about it. I mean - I have put it in my Father's Hands.....and I trust He will get me - and you - through this......because that is what He does........

Okay - til next time!!!

The Next Step - finally

2008-10-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

What a GREAT doctor's visit!! Thank you so much for your prayers. Let me try to summarize today's doctor's visit.....without, of course, the commentary from David regarding breasts.....

I went to Siteman Cancer Center today believeing that Dr. Margenthaler would have all of my records from Hannibal and I would be receiving a second opinion.....well.....you know how that goes. When I arrived, I learned that Hannibal had NOT forwarded the slides - in fact, they had forwarded NOTHING...I was a bit furious. Because I had told the nurse Thursday that I would drive over and pick everything up to hand deliver....she assured me that was not necessary. With the price of gas, they would have it overnighted. My first instinct was to be angry....and then, I realized that mistakes are made. No need to pass blame or get angry - I just wanted to get the slides to Siteman....so, I spoke to "molly" and she assured me they would be overnighted tomorrow. (I can assure you that if those slides are not sent tomorrow, my commentary on what I say/do to Molly and their team will be R-rated....David said that is a bit dramatic)

SOOOOOOOO...Dr. Margenthaler met with me anyway and I LOVE HER!!!!! What a blessing - I can only call it answered prayer - because there were 6 doctors in that office to choose from - and I got Julie!!! First of all, she was SO OPTIMISTIC. These were her exact words, " I do not expect to find the cancer in your lymph nodes or close to the surface skin" YIPPEE...........THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU - that is answered prayer....I will say that again and again...........Did I mention she is a breast surgery specialist?????

I learned a lot about cancer today. First of all, most breast cancer diagnoses are for women in their 50's and 60's....and, given the history with my mom and great-aunt, and my current age, I am considered high-risk. (yes - I know many of you are saying....'did she say high MAINTENANCE or high risk?') I am NOT high maintenance...that is Nelsie (oops...sorry, sweetie - I love you!!)

BRCA...the breast cancer gene. Since I am high risk, testing for this was a must....so they took some blood and in a couple of weeks we will know if I have this gene. If I do, then that means Robin has a 50/50 chance of having it.....and my children all have a 50/50 chance of having it. Of course, breast cancer is an adult cancer - there are no documented cases of it in children....ever.....therefore, if I am positive, then it will become an issue for my kids when they turn 18......

What do we do? There are three ways to treat this cancer - surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation therapy, the latter two only if you need it. Surgery - a lumpectomy or mastectomy...... The recurrence rate for women who have a lumpectomy is 5-7% (that is a great percentage when I am looking for a rate for a CD.....but that STINKS for recurrence, in my opinion). THerefore, David and I had already decided that my best option was a mastectomy. It was apparent to us after today, that although the doctor can not tell us what to do....she was in agreement with our decision. I call this "our" decision - because while it is my body, I became one with David in the eyes of God.....and I would never make a decision like this on my own - but with my whole.

So, in the end, we have to decide - do we do a bilateral simple mastectomy, or a single? Does it matter what the BRCA test shows? In the end, for us, it does not....I will be having a bilateral simple mastectomy and WOW - not looking forward to that!! I wish you could have seen Dr. Brant's assessment of what would happen....seriously, removing the cancer....a PIECE OF CAKE compared to reconstructive surgery......David says to the doctor, "so, I guess you have had some schooling on this stuff......" you had to be there, I nearly fell over dead from laughter.
Side Note: David has ALWAYS been able to make me laugh.....but for some, reason, that has increased 10-fold over the past two weeks......he makes me laugh all the time - I am so blessed!!!! Not to mention, he has some GREAT one-liners.....I promise to share.

So, Dr Brant's people are going to get with Dr. Margenthaler's people and then they will call my people to let me know when the surgery is - sometime in the next 2-3 weeks.....SPECIAL PRAYER REQUEST......PLEASE pray that the surgery date is in the next two weeks......for selfish reasons. Frank and Jo Gari are getting married on the 15th of November, and I really do NOT Want tubes sticking out of my boobs....er....whatever they are called.... at their wedding - yikes, that is so not cool......

A lot happened today - not the least of which was confirmation for me that this is the best path for me to take. If I can say one thing - it is that I know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, prevention is key. Thank God for mammagrams.

I have a lot more to say - it was a FUNNY day.....filled with a ton of humor (Ed and Teresa are sworn to secrecy) , but I am thinking I should save that for another day. As I said to the doctor, "I am so excited....well, as excited as one can be about having cancer......thank you, doctor, for seeing me."

Thank you for your prayers.....May God bless your day.....I love you!